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  1. #1
    Senior Member pv255's Avatar
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    Default How can I share my thoughts nicer?

    I am an INTP. Apparently I come-off as a big arrogant, know-it-all, ass-hole. Those who really know me know that I am truly only a little arrogant, know-it-all, ass-hole. I think.
    How to I speak my mind without offending my audience? At the same time I want to get my point across and not sound passive. This is something seriously inhibiting many parts of my life.

  2. #2
    Happy Dancer uumlau's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by pv255 View Post
    I am an INTP. Apparently I come-off as a big arrogant, know-it-all, ass-hole. Those who really know me know that I am truly only a little arrogant, know-it-all, ass-hole. I think.
    How to I speak my mind without offending my audience? At the same time I want to get my point across and not sound passive. This is something seriously inhibiting many parts of my life.
    1. Listen to people say incorrect things (or correct things incorrectly) without telling them that they're incorrect.
    2. Clarify to them that you understand what they're saying, in their own terms. (Use this step to correct any misunderstandings of what they said.)
    3. Then say, essentially, "Here is what I see and how I see it. It differs from your version because ..."


    Another tactic is to feed people good ideas, but don't insist that they accept every single one. Let them pick and choose which good ideas work for them. They might even come up with a better combination than you had thought of.
    An argument is two people sharing their ignorance.

    A discussion is two people sharing their understanding, even when they disagree.

  3. #3
    Habitual Fi LineStepper JocktheMotie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by uumlau View Post
    1. Listen to people say incorrect things (or correct things incorrectly) without telling them that they're incorrect.
    2. Clarify to them that you understand what they're saying, in their own terms. (Use this step to correct any misunderstandings of what they said.)
    3. Then say, essentially, "Here is what I see and how I see it. It differs from your version because ..."



    Another tactic is to feed people good ideas, but don't insist that they accept every single one. Let them pick and choose which good ideas work for them. They might even come up with a better combination than you had thought of.
    Bolded is the big one. Pay more attention to the general point and idea when someone is trying to tell you something, if people are using improper/imprecise terms simply translate them in your head as they go along, and use the "right" ones in your response.



  4. #4
    Senior Member pv255's Avatar
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    Ic, thanks.
    Any suggestions to bigot or/and combative responses?

  5. #5
    Happy Dancer uumlau's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by pv255 View Post
    Ic, thanks.
    Any suggestions to bigot or/and combative responses?
    My rule of thumb is to never ascribe to evil that which can be attributed to normal ignorance/stupidity.

    If your instinct to those kinds of statements is to attack them because they offend you, then it's guaranteed to start a fight which will go nowhere. If you instead desire to correct others' incorrect ideas (be they simply wrong or completely bigoted), then your only power to persuade is to suggest alternative ideas and see if any stick; directly asserting your point will instead start a fight which will go nowhere. If there is no way to address the bigotry, simply shun them from communication with you.
    An argument is two people sharing their ignorance.

    A discussion is two people sharing their understanding, even when they disagree.

  6. #6
    Happy Dancer uumlau's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by pv255 View Post
    Ic, thanks.
    Any suggestions to bigot or/and combative responses?
    My rule of thumb is to never ascribe to evil that which can be attributed to normal ignorance/stupidity.

    If your instinct to those kinds of statements is to attack them because they offend you, then it's guaranteed to start a fight which will go nowhere. If you instead desire to correct others' incorrect ideas (be they simply wrong or completely bigoted), then your only power to persuade is to suggest alternative ideas and see if any stick; directly asserting your point will instead start a fight which will go nowhere. If there is no way to address the bigotry, simply shun them from communication with you.
    An argument is two people sharing their ignorance.

    A discussion is two people sharing their understanding, even when they disagree.

  7. #7
    Senior Member pv255's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by uumlau View Post
    My rule of thumb is to never ascribe to evil that which can be attributed to normal ignorance/stupidity.

    If your instinct to those kinds of statements is to attack them because they offend you, then it's guaranteed to start a fight which will go nowhere. If you instead desire to correct others' incorrect ideas (be they simply wrong or completely bigoted), then your only power to persuade is to suggest alternative ideas and see if any stick; directly asserting your point will instead start a fight which will go nowhere. If there is no way to address the bigotry, simply shun them from communication with you.
    Shrug, I don't normally react to people's offensive comments or aggressive tone, but then I also never get my point across. The absolute most annoying thing to me is whenever they completely ignore or change the subject (90% of the time). Again, I never get my point across. Do any of you guys feel this way sometimes?

    You're comments are appreciated, but they are pretty general, which is my fault. I'll explain a specific situation later.

  8. #8
    Controlled Mischief StephMC's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by pv255 View Post
    I am an INTP. Apparently I come-off as a big arrogant, know-it-all, ass-hole. Those who really know me know that I am truly only a little arrogant, know-it-all, ass-hole. I think.
    How to I speak my mind without offending my audience? At the same time I want to get my point across and not sound passive. This is something seriously inhibiting many parts of my life.
    This is true <3

    Other than that I have no input right now. :P
    I have an inner monologue that sounds strikingly similar to something off Animal Planet.

  9. #9
    Senior Member INTP's Avatar
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    i dont think you need to stop telling people if they are wrong, just need to learn to acknowledge when it doesent help and just annoys people. i mean after all, you most likely are doing it to help other people and for some weird reason most people tend not to like it when they get corrected all the time(i guess it hurts their ego or something). so you need to learn to stop when you get the urge to correct and think whether the other person will just get butthurt(in this case the correction you make will be most likely useless, since they dont want to assimilate the information you give cuz emo) or if this will actually help the other person.
    if making this sort of decisions on the fly, i suggest raising the threshold in you correcting others a bit and look if you get different results.

    dont try to be someone that you are not or you will just get unhappy and even if some people start to like you more, they dont like the real you, but this new role that you play and people who would like the real you, might end up not liking you as much since they dont see the real you. just learn to prioritize when to show different aspects of you, and do so according to emotional needs of others more. and i know that when you correct people, you do it because they need to be corrected, but its not their emotional need, its just what you think is important, while most people see their emotional needs as more important
    "Where wisdom reigns, there is no conflict between thinking and feeling."
    — C.G. Jung

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  10. #10
    Senior Member pv255's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by INTP View Post
    i dont think you need to stop telling people if they are wrong, just need to learn to acknowledge when it doesent help and just annoys people. i mean after all, you most likely are doing it to help other people and for some weird reason most people tend not to like it when they get corrected all the time(i guess it hurts their ego or something). so you need to learn to stop when you get the urge to correct and think whether the other person will just get butthurt(in this case the correction you make will be most likely useless, since they dont want to assimilate the information you give cuz emo) or if this will actually help the other person.
    if making this sort of decisions on the fly, i suggest raising the threshold in you correcting others a bit and look if you get different results.

    dont try to be someone that you are not or you will just get unhappy and even if some people start to like you more, they dont like the real you, but this new role that you play and people who would like the real you, might end up not liking you as much since they dont see the real you. just learn to prioritize when to show different aspects of you, and do so according to emotional needs of others more. and i know that when you correct people, you do it because they need to be corrected, but its not their emotional need, its just what you think is important, while most people see their emotional needs as more important
    It is situational. During leisure discussions, I sort of do what uumlau said. It take some energy, but I've learn to be nice or shut up. If they dont compute, whatever i really wasnt trying to achieve anything anyway.

    At work, I try the nice thing and nothing gets done. I try the mean thing and nothing gets done (the mean thing really isnt mean, it is just a monopolizing the conversation with an assertive tone, no name calling or anything). I guess I just have to figure people out and play the manipulation game, which takes a lot of energy. But I have to be objective.

    When I hear a bigot statement, no matter where, you get the assertive monologue. It doesnt make friends, but... o well.

    One situation where I want to be objective but dont want to manipulate is with my family. I am the youngest of five (2 parents, 3 children, including me). I've identified my dad, mother, and too sisters as ISTJ, INFJ, INTJ, and ISFJ respectively. I am trying to persuade them to learn about MBTI to add depth to our relationship, but they are very resistant. I would just ignore them, but my mother is very insistent that I participate in every family event. They are a puzzle I dont know how to deal with.

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