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  1. #1
    Junior Member Almari's Avatar
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    Default INTP men, how do you behave when you are no longer attracted to a girl?

    I've been seeing my INTP man for few months. The time we used to spend together was absolutely wonderful. First time in my life I felt that I finally met my perfect man. He seemed to feel likewise. He was always very thoughtful, full of care and tenderness. He showed his affection through very romantic way: holding my hands all the time when we are together, kissing my hands in public and telling me all the time how amazing I am.

    Unfortunately, the fairly tale stopped when I had to leave for a business trip to another continent. It's been a month since we are far away from each other. He's barely in touch with me. Few cold texts during a week, 3 calls during the whole months. I'm confused and my feelings are deeply hurt.

    Knowing that INTPs are very reserved personalities that require lot's of private space, made me try to understand and find justifications for his withdrawals. So, I decided to gently speak with him on this matter. He promised to try to give me more attention only to disappear again. I told him second time, he apologised again and promised to be more thoughtful only...to disappear again...

    I can not possibly believe that a man as serious as him could just get switched off in a moment. On the other hand, his behaviour is obviously signalling me that he's no longer interested. I don't know what is going on... and I don't know how to respond...

    Is it me doing (or not doing) something wrong? Or it's just a time for both of us to move on...?

  2. #2
    royal member Rasofy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Almari View Post
    Unfortunately, the fairly tale stopped when I had to leave for a business trip to another continent. It's been a month since we are far away from each other. He's barely in touch with me. Few cold texts during a week, 3 calls during the whole months. I'm confused and my feelings are deeply hurt.
    Personally, I think 1 call a week is a reasonable amount of communication. He seems to think the same way. If you wanna talk more, call him yourself, but don't expect him to call you out of obligation.
    -----------------

    A man builds. A parasite asks 'Where is my share?'
    A man creates. A parasite says, 'What will the neighbors think?'
    A man invents. A parasite says, 'Watch out, or you might tread on the toes of God... '


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  3. #3
    Habitual Fi LineStepper JocktheMotie's Avatar
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    You're not necessarily doing anything wrong. In my experience this is just how INTPs can get when they no longer SEE the person they're interested in; they sort of just concern themselves with other things. I did nearly the exact same thing when I went to college to the girl I left at home and it took me a couple months to really figure how to manage the long distance thing without the other person feeling unconnected and resentful. It really can be that easy to "switch it off" as you say.

    His feelings for you aren't necessarily gone, just latent in the midst of this change. That doesn't mean he gets to be distant emotionally and get a free pass. Couple questions I'd have for you are, how old are you two, how long is the business trip for, how serious where you two before you left, etc.

    Or, he could just be leading you on to avoid a negative confrontation and/or keep his options open but you'd probably have a better feeling of that than I would. In any case, you need to make it clear that as it is, his behavior isn't acceptable and if he wants to continue the good times and hand holding he needs to make an effort to make feel a little more connected.



  4. #4
    resonance entropie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JocktheMotie View Post
    You're not necessarily doing anything wrong. In my experience this is just how INTPs can get when they no longer SEE the person they're interested in; they sort of just concern themselves with other things. I did nearly the exact same thing when I went to college to the girl I left at home and it took me a couple months to really figure how to manage the long distance thing without the other person feeling unconnected and resentful. It really can be that easy to "switch it off" as you say.
    "Girl I love you. But you have to see it that way: if your boobs aint physically around, you just wont make it move !"
    [URL]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tEBvftJUwDw&t=0s[/URL]

  5. #5
    Feline Member kelric's Avatar
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    Jock's advice is good -- listen to him .

    The only other thing I have to add is that there are a lot of INTP's (particularly men?) who really don't care for phone and even text conversations. Especially if the geographical separation is temporary (and the month of your business trip is definitely temporary), he may just figure "yes, I miss her, but she'll be home in a few weeks", and just leave it at that.

    Having said that, I'll reiterate what Jock said. This probably isn't as bad as you may fear, in terms of his mindset towards your relationship. But you absolutely have the right to expect some closer contact on his part -- you just may need to make that clear.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  6. #6
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    I agree with the thoughts in this thread. I'm even the same way with my best friends who are not local, and it's an effort even for me to initiate things with my kids when we're not in proximity even though i love them. I think you should worry much more if he maintains a lack of communication after you get home.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  7. #7
    Junior Member Almari's Avatar
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    Thank you all for your suggestions and recommendations. I really appreciate.

    Quote Originally Posted by JocktheMotie View Post
    In any case, you need to make it clear that as it is, his behavior isn't acceptable and if he wants to continue the good times and hand holding he needs to make an effort to make feel a little more connected.
    I absolute agree with you. The question is 'how?'. I've already spoken to him twice...in a very gentle manner though.

    Quote Originally Posted by JocktheMotie View Post
    Couple questions I'd have for you are, how old are you two, how long is the business trip for, how serious where you two before you left, etc.
    I'm nearly 30, he's in his mid 30s. The business trip was planned for 4 weeks and been extended for 2 additional weeks. He doesn't even know when exactly I'm coming back. I was pretty sure that it was serious. We talked about 'us' and about being exclusive and committed. He looked absolutely fine and affectionate.

    Quote Originally Posted by kelric View Post
    But you absolutely have the right to expect some closer contact on his part -- you just may need to make that clear.
    I have same question here - 'how?'.

  8. #8
    ReflecTcelfeR
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    If you've been gentle and haven't gotten results, don't be.

  9. #9
    meinmeinmein! mmhmm's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Almari View Post
    It's been a month since we are far away from each other. He's barely in touch with me. Few cold texts during a week, 3 calls during the whole months. I'm confused and my feelings are deeply hurt.
    my INTP and i are in a long distance relationship with a 12hour time
    difference. so we schedule ahead of time. this helps me not go crazy
    and he knows what to expect. i don't think i can repeatedly put myself
    into a situation to wait around for my INTP call just out of the blue.
    i mean if it happens, it'll delight me, but i can't just bet on that solely
    to make the long distance work for me.

    we have very clear days and times of when we'll talk and catch up. we
    pretty much know the hard landscape of eachother's schedules, like
    upcoming freetime/weekends and we try to let each other know about
    our plans. also my intp has one day off a week from talking to me. his
    time to recharge. he's a champ. he talks to me everyday besides that.
    we schedule times at different time lengths, in the mornings it's usually
    under 20min, because we're commuting to work, if evenings we can
    linger longer. also my INTP hates the telephone, so i always try to
    have something for us to do/discuss -- i'm very comfortable doing the
    majority of talking, and i actually like that he listens, especially when
    i'm complaining. and i complain and bitch and whine a lot.

    we've gone through different scenarios, where i'd tried just calling out
    of the blue, and see if i can catch him or not. that one didn't work out
    well for me, because i hate not being able to reach him when i want
    to and ended up ranting on voicemail about how much i hate it.

    in the beginning i felt i had to be a bit apologetic for always wanting to
    be around him, even though i knew how important his space and time
    alone is, but i just can't help myself. i /always/ want to be able to
    contact him. we do whatsapp on our fones, so yet another outlet
    for me to leave him messages.

    i think i just need a space where i'm not restricted to contact him.
    i don't expect a reply all the time, but i do like it when he replies,
    i love the interaction, and he knows that.

    i think there are moments when i'm feeling down about other things,
    and he'll notice that i'm not as chirpy, and he'll pick up the interaction.
    he'll initiate, which is really nice. and something i love that he can do.
    every normal man must be tempted, at times,
    to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag,
    and begin slitting throats.
    h.l. mencken

  10. #10
    figsfiggyfigs
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    I swear there was another thread like this about an ENFP whining about her INTP boyfriend who forgets that she exists all the time.

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