The biggest issues I have, is the proverbial bar. It's a common thing with INTJ's from what I have noticed. However, with me also being a 1w2 this is amped way the fuck up.
It's set, I get close to it, and it is moved higher. So I get closer yet again, and it gets pushed up higher. Rinse, wash, repeat. Day in day out with pretty much everything. I am never good enough, friends are never good enough, food is never good enough, nothing is ever good enough. Everything could always be better in some manner. I have learned to deal with this over the years and I get less hung up on things because of it. It has been bad enough in the past that my desire for perfection or fretting that something is not good enough had flat out paralyzed me from being able to move forward at all for long periods of time. No option is good enough, everything has an issue? Fine, I choose NOTHING. The desire for pristine progress stopped any sort of progress at all. Such irony. What's of most particular interest to me, partly because I doubt I will ever be able to fix it, is how I respond to actually meeting the bar. Seeing what perfect or the best actually truly is, is terrifying.
The best example in recent memory was the conclusion of my first year of graduate school. I got the award for being the top first year graduate student. When my name got called, my eyes literally went wide and thought "WHAT?". I went up onto the front, took it, and just sort of looked at it and felt "...why? I don't deserve this.". I truly didn't feel that I did. I was told it was based on an objective record of first year coursework overall, as well as progress in research. Apparently put together I did the best. But man, I wholely did not agree with that. I knew for a fact I did not try my hardest (I never do) in my classes, and even got the lowest grade in one of my first term courses (NMR spectroscopy is difficult for me). My advisor was SO proud, was very contradulatory, etc. I felt horrible. It was an icky sick feeling. I did not believe that I deserved the award. I didn't do my best, and there had to be someone else that did better or was trying harder than I was. There was just absolutely no way. I questioned it, asked people, and eventually felt guilty for appearing unappreciative or undeserving of it. Winning this upset me enough that I actually began to do poorly. Partly because, I know had to set the bar for myself SUPER high. Much much higher than I knew I could even slightly reach, because others would expect me to preform at top notch all the time, and I know I can't do that. Thus I was garunteed to fail, and I could see it coming at me in the distance like a bullet train made of lead.
It's a catch 22. I must be perfect, I must always do well, but if I actually make the grade and AM the best? I feel terrible. Much, much more so if it is unexpected. It's as if I am not supposed to be perfect but must strive for it. I have enountered this sort of issue in relationships as well. I have blocked myself from seeing romantic partners many times because I felt I was not in a pristine enough state to be worthy of dating. Or, that I was in a bad enough state that it would be unfair to subject others to myself in those states. It would have to wait until I was better. I have also applied it to others, secretly. I am very choosy with friends, and I shrug off some of them if they are in not a good enough state (also assuming my reserves are low, if they are high I can be fine with it).
Things can ALWAYS be better. What's worse, is I can very easily see how they can be better. I can nitpick things, people (in particular people) and cut them to ribbons on where things can be improved. The problem is, once it's known, how is it dealt with? What's the best way to move forward? It's something that has no good or correct answer. At least for me with where I am at now. Oh well.
. Ask me to write a code? Someone get me a sledge hammer and an asprin...
