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[MBTI General] ENFP's experience with an ENTJ boyfriend.

HotpinkHeatwave

New member
Joined
Nov 30, 2009
Messages
379
MBTI Type
ENFP
Over a year and a half ago, I posted a topic about being weary about getting into an relationship with an ENTJ.

Well, it happened, and it was a serious relationship. We moved in together, and near the end, the subject of having kids even came up.

However, the relationship ended horribly.

Through-out it, we argued a lot. He was always pushing me to "be better". He was your typical ENTJ; hard working, a high achiever, and so on.

Me? Your typical ENFP. Head in the clouds, play before work, you know the rest.

Living together was the worst idea. I procrastinated a lot, and was an "organized-mess". But, I still got things done. Like dishes, doing laundry, etc.

He hated it. He hated how long it took me to do things, thought I was lazy and a slob.

We broke up because one night he got very drunk, and because I wasn't home cleaning, he ran his car into my truck.

Needless to say, that was it. I almost regret dating him - He was an egotistical ass.

My advice? ENFPs: ENTJs probably aren't your best bet.
 

Lady_X

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 27, 2008
Messages
18,235
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
784
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
Yikes that sounds awful!
 

skylights

i love
Joined
Jul 6, 2010
Messages
7,756
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
6w7
Instinctual Variant
so/sx
I have long had a hard time interacting with ENTJs, especially ENTJ 8s. Very ego-assertive people cause very strong emotional defense reactions in me - I know a large part of it is the e6, and of course protective Fi. I find myself unsure of how to act when someone seems to be purposefully trying to intimidate me... do I defer, or assert back? I have since learned that there is a third path of simply continuing on my own course.

I find steady, gentle support to be "better" very helpful but strong pushes backfire.
 

Mia.

New member
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Jan 4, 2012
Messages
821
It's very important for all TJs (probably any J, but TJs become militant about it) to have a clean home. I've had to work hard in this area, and I've matured a lot, for which I'm grateful because I needed to and wanted to. I have a great sense of cleanliness, and our home is very aesthetically pleasing and decorated, and I'm actually great at organizing - it's the day-to-day discipline and more mundane chores that I struggle with. And I'm terrible about leaving things around rather than putting them where they should go (but getting better.) I can't say my ESTJ's methodology for reforming me was the best. The Te way is pretty brutal - downright scarring at times. But having that be important to him at least gave me the impetus and motivation/reason to work on myself in that area.

We broke up because one night he got very drunk, and because I wasn't home cleaning, he ran his car into my truck.

Yeah.... very drunk + Te dom = oh sh**.....

Needless to say, that was it. I almost regret dating him - He was an egotistical ass.

My advice? ENFPs: ENTJs probably aren't your best bet.

Every individual is different. In general I think this is a good type match. Just because he might have been an example of a less mature ENTJ doesn't mean the type itself is a bad bet.
 

uumlau

Happy Dancer
Joined
Feb 9, 2010
Messages
5,517
MBTI Type
INTJ
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953
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sp/so
It's very important for all TJs (probably any J, but TJs become militant about it) to have a clean home.

FYI, this is not true.

It is true for SJs, but NTJs are finicky about different kinds of order. In my case, I tend to care about how one places dishes in the dishwasher to be most efficient, but I don't care about wiping down every single surface in the kitchen, when I don't eat off of the counter and have cutting boards I wash before preparing food. I appreciate having sufficient drawer space to organize my clothes, but lacking such, I'm happy to "organize" them on my floor.

In general, SJs cares about physical order. NTJs care about a more abstract version of order, known as "efficiency." Efficiency for NTJs ends up being paired with an interesting kind of laziness, where the emphasis isn't on working "hard" but on sheer effectiveness. If we're working too hard at maintaining order, we're not doing it right, in our opinion.
 

uumlau

Happy Dancer
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Messages
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<Explication of train wreck ...>

Needless to say, that was it. I almost regret dating him - He was an egotistical ass.

My advice? ENFPs: ENTJs probably aren't your best bet.

He was an egotistical ass. It says nothing about ENTJs as a type. MBTI and Jungian typology are about differences in cognitive understanding, not behavior per se.
 

Mia.

New member
Joined
Jan 4, 2012
Messages
821
FYI, this is not true.

It is true for SJs, but NTJs are finicky about different kinds of order. In my case, I tend to care about how one places dishes in the dishwasher to be most efficient, but I don't care about wiping down every single surface in the kitchen, when I don't eat off of the counter and have cutting boards I wash before preparing food. I appreciate having sufficient drawer space to organize my clothes, but lacking such, I'm happy to "organize" them on my floor.

In general, SJs cares about physical order. NTJs care about a more abstract version of order, known as "efficiency." Efficiency for NTJs ends up being paired with an interesting kind of laziness, where the emphasis isn't on working "hard" but on sheer effectiveness. If we're working too hard at maintaining order, we're not doing it right, in our opinion.

Ah, interesting. Thanks for the clarification. I'm sure you're right that there is a real difference between the two in terms of their conception.

I think in general, though, that any TJ is going to have far less tolerance for disorder, haphazard methodology, and general meh-ness than an FP, especially an NFP...
 

uumlau

Happy Dancer
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Feb 9, 2010
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Ah, interesting. Thanks for the clarification. I'm sure you're right that there is a real difference between the two in terms of their conception.

I think in general, though, that any TJ is going to have far less tolerance for disorder, haphazard methodology, and general meh-ness than an FP, especially an NFP...

Yeah, it's mostly the perceived inefficiencies, as in "WHY would you do it THAT way?" Personally, I get along great with NFPs as long as they don't try to make ME do something inefficiently, or do things that indirectly cause me to do something less than optimal. Fortunately, they're much more careful about imposing their views than we NTJs are ...
 
R

Riva

Guest
God bless the poor soul who has to live with an ENTJ (EXTJ).

Yeah.... very drunk + Te dom = oh sh**.....

Not entirely true. My father is an ESTJ and he is extremely happy and fun when he is drunk. Infat he is happy and fun most of the times. I would even bet that ESTJs are happier and more socially adaptable than ENTJs.
 

Jaguar

Active member
Joined
May 5, 2007
Messages
20,647
We broke up because one night he got very drunk, and because I wasn't home cleaning, he ran his car into my truck.

Then you should have had him arrested for committing a crime.

My advice? ENFPs: ENTJs probably aren't your best bet.

Just because a black man robs a bank, doesn't mean all black men are bank robbers.
 
A

Anew Leaf

Guest
FYI, this is not true.

It is true for SJs, but NTJs are finicky about different kinds of order. In my case, I tend to care about how one places dishes in the dishwasher to be most efficient, but I don't care about wiping down every single surface in the kitchen, when I don't eat off of the counter and have cutting boards I wash before preparing food. I appreciate having sufficient drawer space to organize my clothes, but lacking such, I'm happy to "organize" them on my floor.

In general, SJs cares about physical order. NTJs care about a more abstract version of order, known as "efficiency." Efficiency for NTJs ends up being paired with an interesting kind of laziness, where the emphasis isn't on working "hard" but on sheer effectiveness. If we're working too hard at maintaining order, we're not doing it right, in our opinion.

ah, very nice clarification here! Thank you!

I :heart: INTJs. :)
 

Mia.

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821
Yeah, it's mostly the perceived inefficiencies, as in "WHY would you do it THAT way.

Hehe, if I had a dime for every time… although there have been times where I suffered through the scathing lecture only to have my vindication later when it was realized that maybe I wasn’t actually being a moron by doing it that way and had well-thought-out reasoning. The vindication was in the form of ensuing silence. :D

God bless the poor soul who has to live with an ENTJ (EXTJ).

I’m not supposed to tell you this, but they are in actuality big teddy bears.

Not entirely true. My father is an ESTJ and he is extremely happy and fun when he is drunk. Infat he is happy and fun most of the times. I would even bet that ESTJs are happier and more socially adaptable than ENTJs.

You’re right, it’s individual. I know some ESTJs though that just shouldn’t drink, and that's probably true for some ENTJs as well.

ah, very nice clarification here! Thank you!

I :heart: INTJs. :)

Indeed. :)
 
A

Anew Leaf

Guest
Hehe, if I had a dime for every time… although there have been times where I suffered through the scathing lecture only to have my vindication later when it was realized that maybe I wasn’t actually being a moron by doing it that way and had well-thought-out reasoning.



I’m not supposed to tell you this, but they are in actuality big teddy bears.


You’re right, it’s individual. I know some ESTJs though that just shouldn’t drink, and that's probably true for some ENTJs as well.



Indeed. :)

@bold, :yes: It's very amusing how tough the TJ types come off, and then you get to know them and realize that they are a gooey bundle of sugar deep inside their crispy candy shell.

TPs always seem so fluffy at first and then you dive down and realize the fluff ended all too soon. :cry:
 

Mia.

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TPs always seem so fluffy at first and then you dive down and realize the fluff ended all too soon. :cry:

I've seen plenty of sweetness in the TP camp as well. I know an INTP and an ISTP who are just as soft, they just have a different dynamic and keep it in a different pocket than a TJ does.
 

Mia.

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821
@bold, :yes: It's very amusing how tough the TJ types come off, and then you get to know them and realize that they are a gooey bundle of sugar deep inside their crispy candy shell.

I think often TJs, especially NTJs, almost expect to not be liked. They are in fact tough, but I think sometimes the show of it is out of proportion to what is appropriate or called for, which to an FiNe user, screams "I know you're likely not going to like me anyway so look how scary and intimidating I am.... I scoff at vulnerabilities......I'm in control here.... I control everything..... even the terms of my rejection....CONTROL........muwwwahahahahahaaaaa."

Mmhmm. Riiiight. ;)

Too adorable.
 

Elfboy

Certified Sausage Smoker
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Messages
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sx/sp
God bless the poor soul who has to live with an ENTJ (EXTJ).

ETJs are fine company. they're just like EFJs accept
- when you establish your boundaries, they get it. with EFJs, it seems like you have to mercilessly beat them in order for them to get the concept of personal space
- they don't pry into your emotional life
- they aren't over sensitive whiners
 

HotpinkHeatwave

New member
Joined
Nov 30, 2009
Messages
379
MBTI Type
ENFP
Then you should have had him arrested for committing a crime.



Just because a black man robs a bank, doesn't mean all black men are bank robbers.

He was arrested. Slapped with criminal damage to property, hit and run, and domestic disorderly.
 

HotpinkHeatwave

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Messages
379
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ENFP
And you're all right - Not ALL ENTJs are egotistical/crazy/stupid drunks. But this one definitely was.

PERSONALLY, I may never date an ENTJ again.
 

Jaguar

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May 5, 2007
Messages
20,647
I dated an ENFP who ran through Neiman Marcus, naked, while shooting the display cases with a paintball gun.
I will never date one again.
 

Coriolis

Si vis pacem, para bellum
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Apr 18, 2010
Messages
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INTJ
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sp/sx
I think often TJs, especially NTJs, almost expect to not be liked.
Perhaps because we so often have not been liked. It is fortunate that this doesn't bother most of us. But which came first - the chicken or the egg?

Too adorable.
Of course, being disliked is eminently preferable to being called adorable.
 
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