User Tag List

123 Last

Results 1 to 10 of 36

  1. #1
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Posts
    27

    Default Ness and The ENTP final conclusion advise.

    I was just wondering if there was any closing thought on this situation.

    Eileen (to the left)

    I got a negative response to my email, I was what I was expecting it to be a no thanks wrapped in white lie's and it was.

    In short this what happened

    I thought at first he was just being friendly and ignored it, I’m very wary of Ne flirting, I realised I really liked him. He was without doubt interesting in me for at last 4 months. Iv known him for 7 months now


    Got stuck in my head and thought about it, had double check he really did like me and studied his behaviour until it was perfectly clear what his intentions were.


    Grew to like him more, gave no signals then plucked up the courage one night, before I could say anything his ex burst back on the scene, that very night:horor:

    All my friends told me he was getting back with her, I hung back waiting for it to happen.

    He carried on flirting with me, I ignored it. His ex got her foot in more and more and was just always there (dam Facebook, she added me)

    I got really stifled and uncomfortable with situation and hardly spoke to him

    He drifted back toward the ex, and gave up me. In the last month and a bit, his behaviour toward me changed sharply

    I got concerned for the state of friendship and confessed to him and explained my position. with his ex and every ting that people had told me.

    He said no thanks to my interest in, claimed he never meant to lead me on (obviously you would lie in this situation) said he had come to see me as a friend and surprising that nothing would ever between us

    How would you take this never?

    I don’t want close my options to him. At this time he has unfinished business with his ex. The social situation at the moment is as such that even if he had still reciprocated my interest, I would have said not now, lets wait hang out more and see what happens because things are so tricky socially.

    But there was a definite spark that’s hard to find, and I know the more we get to know each other the more build a good solid friendship is this not the ideal platform for a spark to grow from?

    Right now he either needs to get back with his ex, sort out the un-finished business or make sure she gets the message and leaves him alone.


    Should I take at that I’m forever in the friend zone or just that the situation right now makes us exploring more than being friends socially difficult and fussy. Also I would completely understand that he would be consumed with sorting out his ex situation.

    I need a conclusion on this I’m a J type.

    Do I do a NEVR on him back and draw a line and risk a lost opportunity later down the line?

    Do I save him from the friend zone so that if the situation changes the opportunity isn’t lost, and till linger with my feelings a little getting stung as get to know him more and potentially see get back with awful ex.

    Or is and ENTP friend zoning me likely to be a very rigid forever decision?

    Anyone up for murdering the ex? I’ll give you a cookie for it.
    Anyone want to sweep me off my feet so I forget all about him?
    Thoughts

    Thank you

  2. #2
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    MBTI
    FREE
    Enneagram
    594 sx/sp
    Socionics
    LII Ne
    Posts
    42,333

    Default

    I still don't understand why you need an inflexible decision on this partly ambiguous situation.

    Make it a decision for "no" right now, while he is with his ex, and otherwise move on with your life as if it were a permanent "no."

    If by chance he leaves her and resolves that situation at some point in the future, AND if you have not yet moved on to someone else, then you can resolve to investigate the possibilities between the two of you at a later date.

    I mean, it's still closure and a decision, rather than having to such a simple black and white answer. Live as if you've moved on (i.e. "NO"); and then if things change while you are still free, then go for it, and otherwise (if you're involved elsewhere) say, "tough luck, sugah, you had your chance and I've moved on."

    I just don't recommend putting your life on hold in hopes this guy dumps his ex. That is the "worst case scenario" and one to avoid at all costs.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  3. #3
    resonance entropie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    MBTI
    entp
    Enneagram
    783
    Posts
    16,761

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    I still don't understand why you need an inflexible decision on this partly ambiguous situation.

    Make it a decision for "no" right now, while he is with his ex, and otherwise move on with your life as if it were a permanent "no."

    If by chance he leaves her and resolves that situation at some point in the future, AND if you have not yet moved on to someone else, then you can resolve to investigate the possibilities between the two of you at a later date.

    I mean, it's still closure and a decision, rather than having to such a simple black and white answer. Live as if you've moved on (i.e. "NO"); and then if things change while you are still free, then go for it, and otherwise (if you're involved elsewhere) say, "tough luck, sugah, you had your chance and I've moved on."

    I just don't recommend putting your life on hold in hopes this guy dumps his ex. That is the "worst case scenario" and one to avoid at all costs.
    I'd like to accompany myself here with Jen and like to add:

    I dont think that projecting his behaviour onto a general debate about entps would really help. Cause after all everyone is different, may they all be entp or not. Especially when it comes to love life.
    [URL]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tEBvftJUwDw&t=0s[/URL]

  4. #4
    Society
    Guest

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Ness View Post
    Should I take at that I’m forever in the friend zone or just that the situation right now makes us exploring more than being friends socially difficult and fussy. Also I would completely understand that he would be consumed with sorting out his ex situation.
    i think ENTP loyalty might actually be in play - i know i have a very very difficult time considering anything serious with other women while i still have feelings for someone.... i automatically friendzone everyone, even now when the relationship is most definetly over and i am loosing those feelings, my capacity to think of other women seriously is following it very slowly, and if i was still in touch with my ex like your ENTP this process would be so much slower. i can imagine your ENTP might be having a much more difficult time with that.

    that's being said, move on anyway, he'd find you a lot more apealing as the healthy woman living her own life going on her own dates and having her own relationships then he would as the woman whose waiting for him to notice her.

  5. #5
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Posts
    27

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by entropie View Post
    I'd like to accompany myself here with Jen and like to add:

    I dont think that projecting his behaviour onto a general debate about entps would really help. Cause after all everyone is different, may they all be entp or not. Especially when it comes to love life.
    Your right I've just exhausted all other avenue's even if the infomation I get here is just conjecture, I don't care. I don't care for the MBTi angle much its not the be all and end all,but you are all people with an opinion, you have unique perspective on this bcause you are out siders. I have no one else with this perspective. The inside perspective is making more confused, so here I am.

  6. #6
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Posts
    27

    Default

    @Jennifer you make a whole lot of sense, and your defiantly right. Unfortunately I can only deal in absolutes other wise I will continue to analyse the situation over and over, I need to direct my way of the thinking one way or another and it has to stay that way. Any seed of inflexibility invariably grow until the whole thing come up for analysis again. I can stop the analysis its like breathing to me.

    Normally by now I would have reached a conclusion, I would if I could just drift off and let the friendship dwindle away, but I can't.
    I would never put my life on hold for someone, If I chose to stay open minded the actually reality is not my life on hold but inside my head it is, because I'll be on an analysis loop. If I get rid of the loop I get rid of all possibility of ever changing my mind and could easily miss out here. That’s not to say should another new opportunity arise with someone else I would take it, I defiantly would.

    I can't help but think that his decision to friend zones me is 'for now' and he will change his mind later down the line, but I can't be sure of that. I wonder how much an ENTP would friend zone it seems to go against the grain.
    The relationship with his ex is cooked, if they get back together it won't last long, sounds cheesy but I know this, its something that I have discussed at length with and ENFJ (a close mutual friend of both he and I) thus far with him the situation has panned out exactly as the ENFJ and I had predicted. Unfortunately Ni dom is not magic its just clever pattern forming, I’ve reached the end of what is I can confidently know. I'm the danger zone everything seems like high stakes and risk from here on.

  7. #7
    resonance entropie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    MBTI
    entp
    Enneagram
    783
    Posts
    16,761

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Ness View Post
    Your right I've just exhausted all other avenue's even if the infomation I get here is just conjecture, I don't care. I don't care for the MBTi angle much its not the be all and end all,but you are all people with an opinion, you have unique perspective on this bcause you are out siders. I have no one else with this perspective. The inside perspective is making more confused, so here I am.
    Ok I can feel you. I hope people around here can help you and dont be sad for too long. Lots of nice entps still out there
    [URL]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tEBvftJUwDw&t=0s[/URL]

  8. #8
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    MBTI
    FREE
    Enneagram
    594 sx/sp
    Socionics
    LII Ne
    Posts
    42,333

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Ness View Post
    you make a whole lot of sense, and your defiantly right. Unfortunately I can only deal in absolutes other wise I will continue to analyse the situation over and over, I need to direct my way of the thinking one way or another and it has to stay that way. Any seed of inflexibility invariably grow until the whole thing come up for analysis again. I can stop the analysis its like breathing to me.

    Normally by now I would have reached a conclusion, I would if I could just drift off and let the friendship dwindle away, but I can't.
    I would never put my life on hold for someone, If I chose to stay open minded the actually reality is not my life on hold but inside my head it is, because I'll be on an analysis loop. If I get rid of the loop I get rid of all possibility of ever changing my mind and could easily miss out here. That’s not to say should another new opportunity arise with someone else I would take it, I defiantly would.

    I can't help but think that his decision to friend zones me is 'for now' and he will change his mind later down the line, but I can't be sure of that. I wonder how much an ENTP would friend zone it seems to go against the grain.
    The relationship with his ex is cooked, if they get back together it won't last long, sounds cheesy but I know this, its something that I have discussed at length with and ENFJ (a close mutual friend of both he and I) thus far with him the situation has panned out exactly as the ENFJ and I had predicted. Unfortunately Ni dom is not magic its just clever pattern forming, I’ve reached the end of what is I can confidently know. I'm the danger zone everything seems like high stakes and risk from here on.
    Thanks for clarifying all that. It must be hard living in that gray area, not sure what's going to happen next, since the stability of knowing seems so important to you.

    I'm not sure anyone can give you a definitive answer. It really depends on how much you are willing to risk your heart being broken. It sounds like if you don't lock him out completely, you will be at risk and potentially hurt. Are you willing to pay that price, which could feel like an ongoing wound of indefinite duration?

    If you feel the cost is too high and/or a priority of yours is not getting hurt, then I would just drop him now, definitively. if he is worth the probable pain, then make a commitment to leave it open. But despite what you've said, overall you make it sound like you couldn't really move on while this door is kept open.

    It sounds to me like you really want it to work with him and you believe that if you just hang around long enough, he'll come to his senses, the thing with the ex will resolve itself, and then you'll have a shot -- you're just getting cold feet because you're scared to take the risk and/or am not sure how long he'll stay with her. You kinda of want to have a change with him without the hurt/risk, but it really doesn't work that way. If you can't embrace a more adaptable situation and really are left with (1) closing the door or (2) leaving it open, then it comes down to how much potential hurt you are willing to suffer, based on his choices. Is he worth that or not? You'll have to prioritize and then accept the consequences.

    I guess my question with the ENTP is, how do you know you're just not one more string of interesting exciting women in his life, and he'll eventually do the same thing and move on to the next one once things get a little stable? I'm always a little leery with the ENPs, unless I know them well and have a sense of what is underneath.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  9. #9
    Society
    Guest

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Ness View Post
    @Jennifer you make a whole lot of sense, and your defiantly right. Unfortunately I can only deal in absolutes other wise I will continue to analyse the situation over and over, I need to direct my way of the thinking one way or another and it has to stay that way.
    do you know yourself to have the flexibility to change your mind about it later if it's a no now? can the absolute change? or will deciding to not persue it right now means that if in the future he persues you, you would automatically say no?

    look, social reality can be a bich, and when it comes to situations like this, you are more likely to get what you want by not wanting it - he is more likely to notice you if your not an open option at his feet. its stupid, but its usually true. the sucky part is that you need to be genuine about going on with your life or it is very unlikely to work - and if it still doesn't work - well at least you have an easier time with it because you moved on. its a win win situation if you can pull it off.

    so, can your absolutes change?

    Quote Originally Posted by Ness View Post
    Unfortunately Ni dom is not magic its just clever pattern forming
    you've just gained a lot of respect from a random ENTP on the internet.

  10. #10
    violaine
    Guest

    Default

    You have your answer. Which is a no. Move on. He is not the only guy you'll ever spark with but you'll never meet anyone else waiting for a guy who is still involved with his ex. I don't mean to be harsh but if he wanted to be with you now or in the future, he would chase you down. Even if you can see that you're compatible, his interest is elsewhere. I also think that if he is trying to make it work with his ex, he should be free to do that. You won't do yourself any favors by waiting in the wings or plotting against her.

    And not to throw ENTPs under the bus, but my ENTP ex told me he regularly flirted without intention because it made him feel good. That's only one ENTP, sure. We clashed a lot over the idea of non-serious flirting as I think of it as using people. And he told me a lot of people thought exactly the way he did and so it was ok to do that with like-minded people. (He wasn't doing it while we were in a relationship, supposedly). If anyone he was flirting with called him out on it or wanted more and he didn't have any serious intentions, he would stop flirting with them immediately. And usually cease communicating at all.

Similar Threads

  1. ENFP vs. ENTP and the way that they type words onto the screen
    By The Great One in forum Myers-Briggs and Jungian Cognitive Functions
    Replies: 26
    Last Post: 07-18-2013, 05:21 PM
  2. [ENTP] ENTPs (and the others too), how do you deal with (unexpected) failures?
    By theadoor in forum The NT Rationale (ENTP, INTP, ENTJ, INTJ)
    Replies: 32
    Last Post: 02-06-2011, 12:01 AM
  3. [MBTItm] ENTPs and the Tertiary Fe
    By Cypocalypse in forum The NT Rationale (ENTP, INTP, ENTJ, INTJ)
    Replies: 14
    Last Post: 04-16-2010, 06:15 PM
  4. [ENTP] ENTPs and the novelty value of people
    By EcK in forum The NT Rationale (ENTP, INTP, ENTJ, INTJ)
    Replies: 31
    Last Post: 12-16-2009, 04:28 PM
  5. Replies: 14
    Last Post: 12-15-2009, 05:28 AM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO