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  1. #1
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    Default NT pulling away or just needing space?

    My boyfriend is an NT. We have been dating for 14 months. In the past there have been times when I haven't heard from him for a day or two. But this week, other than seeing him on Monday I haven't really heard from him. I called him Tuesday and texted Wednesday with no reply. Then yesterday I texted him and asked if he wanted to have dinner last night but he declined saying things had been busy with work. I completely understand that his job is stressful sometimes. I also know that sometimes NT's need space. But how am I supposed to know what is going on if he doesn't communicate with me? I didn't try calling him last night and never repeatedly call if I call and he doesn't answer, but when is it okay to call with out seeming pushy? He has always told me that if something is bothering him he will tell me, but hasn't said anything.

    I also think I possibly told him that I love him last weekend when we were drinking. If I bring up anything like saying I miss him or what he thinks of our situation all he says is cool. He has yet to say it to me, but does do alot of things for me. I'm not going to assume that that means he loves me, but I know he cares.

    Sorry for this being all over the place, but I guess I just have alot on my mind. I would appreciate any opinions or advice.

  2. #2
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    Quote Originally Posted by In_Love View Post
    My boyfriend is an NT
    much more relevant IMO: is he introverted or extroverted?

  3. #3
    Senior Member Winds of Thor's Avatar
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    I think you're on a general good directional path...just steer a little more toward him. What I'm saying is...

    Here's one key: Rather than look to communicate because people arguing are communicating. Rather, perceive how he sees things first. Consistently. Understand. With feeling. Go far, to come near.

    If I were in his shoes right now I'd be wondering if there's a difference between things I hear from you and you really understanding me.

    Maybe send him a note saying 'I know you're really busy right now, and thought you might be hungry. I left a sandwich at the front desk for you.'. Then leave him a note written by you alongside it too. With a smiley face.

    That's something that would make me melt. And I would really start to consider us.

    It's what you do for the relationship. Not just him or for you. Focus on doing things for the relationship. That's where the bonding will be created.
    "..And the eight and final rule: If this is your first time at Fight Club, you have to fight."
    'Men are meant to be with women. The rest is perversion and mental illness.'

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mane View Post
    much more relevant IMO: is he introverted or extroverted?
    He is an INTP.

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by In_Love View Post
    He is an INTP.
    and your extraverted?

    i'll just be lazy then:
    Quote Originally Posted by Mane View Post
    regarding the I/E - all it takes is learning that they (I's) need their space or they feel pushed to the corner without the energy to solve the problem... giving up the immediacy of the problems,and that we (E's) need a communication outlet to process and figure things out, giving up some sense of privacy (preferably with people who don't know them - online).
    basically from my exp in this respect, pushing them to communicate with you now is... never a good idea, you'd be pushing them into a corner they aren't comfortable with and your not going to like their way out of it. let them go through the process.

    and you need to talk to gain perspective and process the thing? do... exactly what your doing right now (assuming your boyfriend doesn't come here), talk about what bothers you to others, but make sure its people who don't know you or him personally (introverts can be very private about their info), people he'd never have to face. this way when he got his space, you got some perspective as well, you'd both be on the same level.

  6. #6
    Habitual Fi LineStepper JocktheMotie's Avatar
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    INTPs will sometimes need to unplug from the world for a bit, but that doesn't necessarily mean something is wrong. As you say, could be work stresses or some other factor, and they typically just need some time to work some things out.

    However, this doesn't mean they get a free pass to be non-communicative without letting you know they're going to be somewhat unavailable. You need to make it clear that while he's perfectly entitled to his space or a "lonely week," you're perfectly entitled to some non-involved texts or email updates every now and then.



  7. #7
    Ghost Monkey Soul Vizconde's Avatar
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    Stop calling him (wait for him to contact you instead) and you will find out pretty fast
    I redact everything I have written or will write on this forum prior to, subsequent with and or after the fact of its writing. For entertainment purposes only and not to be taken seriously nor literally.

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  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by spamtar View Post
    Stop calling him (wait for him to contact you instead) and you will find out pretty fast
    I was SO afraid you would say this. I was going to call or text tonight and ask if everything was okay. It bugs me not to know. I am an introvert (INSP).

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by In_Love View Post
    I was SO afraid you would say this. I was going to call or text tonight and ask if everything was okay. It bugs me not to know. I am an introvert (INSP).
    hey lady- i am practicing the dicipline of giving my xwife the space and not contacting her for a period of... probably at least a few months, and i wouldn't be surprised if the needed period its actually more like a year or more, enough for her to have several encounters and possibly relationships in the mean time, and right now after nearly 40 hours without sleep augmented by increasing amounts of beer... my self discipline is really hitting the curb...

    so if your guy needs a week for himself, consider how much worst it can be, and say thank you, say thank you that whatever he's feeling it's probably not scorching loathing hate towards you, and that your waiting time doesn't stretch longer then time itself.

    also i am 90% certain that there's no such thing as an INSP on the MBTI...

  10. #10
    Ghost Monkey Soul Vizconde's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by In_Love View Post
    I was SO afraid you would say this. I was going to call or text tonight and ask if everything was okay. It bugs me not to know. I am an introvert (INSP).
    “Love never dies of starvation, but often of indigestion”. Ninon de Lenclos (French courtesan)
    I redact everything I have written or will write on this forum prior to, subsequent with and or after the fact of its writing. For entertainment purposes only and not to be taken seriously nor literally.

    Quote Originally Posted by Edgar View Post
    Spamtar - a strange combination of boorish drunkeness and erudite discussions, or what I call "an Irish academic"

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