[NT] NT pulling away or just needing space?

[A window to the soul]

Rather than drop a 1+ year relationship because he doesn't reply to 2 messages during a busy week at work? Not sure why that's a bizarre idea...

You're not stating all of the facts. Please read my last post.

 

[Winds of Thor]

Rather than drop a 1+ year relationship because he doesn't reply to 2 messages during a busy week at work? Not sure why that's a bizarre idea...

I'm sorry you're having a hard time.

I'd say but if you're getting all connected and deeper with him then realize, if that is your later decision, it's gonna hurt worse than now.

Hey don't worry..if love comes back then it's love. And meantime it sucks. Haha yea I get it too.

 

[violaine]

Have you ever spoken with him about the way you work in a relationship and what you need? And what he needs? Neither of you could know until you talk about it.

I'm dating an INTP. Not saying there's an INTP hive-mind but I have never had a prob like that with my INTP BF. I know it's because we talk to each other about everything. For instance, I was really open about myself and what I want and need in a relationship from day one. The reason I was open from the beginning is that I've experienced something close to what you've described with an INTJ in the past. Our communication was mostly on the INTJ's terms and I often felt I was intruding. Realized that that is ridiculous. So we sat down and had one of those establishing my/his needs conversations. I told him that when I didn't hear from him, I assumed I was bugging him and that it made me feel bad. And yeah, he did need to be told. He was just a naturally impassive and very self-contained type. He just happened to be the kind of person who was all business at work, hence didn't like texting me back while at work. He also hated the phone with a passion. He was much more attentive after that chat and I was much more relaxed and secure.

I'm not saying you are definitely doing this, but I don't think it's good to tiptoe around a guy or minimize your needs, even if you seem like you can. A good indicator of what you need is how conscious you are of the time that ticks by when you haven't had contact. If every minute weighs heavily, you need to speak up about it and just be straight with him about how you work.

I don't think telling someone you love them after 14 months of dating is at all unreasonable. Quite the opposite. IMO (and this is all just my opinion and anecdotes that I hope you find helpful), it's important to make sure you feel an equal partner in the relationship and that your needs are being met. That requires good, open communication.

 

[ReflecTcelfeR]

Everyone is overreacting here except for [MENTION=206]Randomnity[/MENTION]. Their relationship has lasted fourteen months, four days of silence is hardly adequate cause to dump him.

 

[figsfiggyfigs]

Rather than drop a 1+ year relationship because he doesn't reply to 2 messages during a busy week at work? Not sure why that's a bizarre idea...

Maybe I'm just impatient or expect more from people than they deserve. I'd expect this sort of behaviour from a friend or a partner who travels a lot, not from one who lives near by and is perfectly capable of sending a text of reassurance. "waiting a few weeks" is absurd to me. Especially considering that she doesnt sound all that happy and satisfied to begin with. What's the point on waiting for someone that doesn't even give you a minute of their day to say "hey. Alive. Will call in a week". He must be out in space somewhere. He can make calls even then.

 

[Rasofy]

wait, reality check: this is friday. they saw each other on monday. A call monday and a text Wed had no reply, and a text Thurs got the response that he's busy.

So that's two "flaked replies" in 1 week with one perfectly legit explanation (busy at work). What's with the chorus of DTMFA?? Give it a few weeks to see how it goes when work gets less busy (presumably it will by then). Yes, he could be blowing her off, but he could also likely actually be busy at work.

This, except for the ''few weeks'' part.
If he's really really busy, he probably won't be in the mood to be a good companionship. Otoh, if doesn't bother with a week without contact, I'd suspect something's wrong.

 

[In_Love]

Thanks for all the replies! Everything is fine. Turned out he was in late night meetings from home. By the time I was done with school on those days he was alteady in the meetings. He does work for a Co. Over seas that is on a different time than here. Why he didn't text and say this who knows... that isn't uncommon for him to get calls and texts on weekends and nights. I did tell him that he needs to let me know when something like that is happening so Im not inturrupting. He tells me when he has to travel, so this is no different. You all have given me alot to think about though.

 

[Winds of Thor]

Thanks for all the replies! Everything is fine. Turned out he was in late night meetings from home. By the time I was done with school on those days he was alteady in the meetings. He does work for a Co. Over seas that is on a different time than here. Why he didn't text and say this who knows... that isn't uncommon for him to get calls and texts on weekends and nights. I did tell him that he needs to let me know when something like that is happening so Im not inturrupting. He tells me when he has to travel, so this is no different. You all have given me alot to think about though.

Well send him the bill for our time. What..that's like 10 of us...say $50/hr. (shrinks I think make upwards of $200k). And we're not shrinks but our collective mental skill sets get us up there in skills..so that's about $500 for the sessions.

 

[Society]

Maybe I'm just impatient or expect more from people than they deserve. I'd expect this sort of behaviour from a friend or a partner who travels a lot, not from one who lives near by and is perfectly capable of sending a text of reassurance. "waiting a few weeks" is absurd to me. Especially considering that she doesnt sound all that happy and satisfied to begin with. What's the point on waiting for someone that doesn't even give you a minute of their day to say "hey. Alive. Will call in a week". He must be out in space somewhere. He can make calls even then.

except you know she's not going to listen to that:
the reason she isn't happy isn't because she doesn't like something about him, its because she isn't getting her feelings returned.

and as childish as that reaction is, i've seen the most otherwise mature and developed relationships and decade long marriages pull this off about as much as 2 week teenage relationships - the puller pushes and the pusher pulls. even when your aware of the instinct it's incredibly difficult to fight off.

basically: so just as much as he's not going to respond well to her neediness, her internal response for him taking space or "pushing her away" is wanting him more.

she's not going to dump him, so let's give her something she can work with, and keeping her distance and keeping her cool is probably the best thing she can do right now.

 

[Winds of Thor]

basically: so just as much as he's not going to respond well to her neediness, her internal response for him taking space or "pushing her away" is wanting him more.

she's not going to dump him, so let's give her something she can work with, and keeping her distance and keeping her cool is probably the best thing she can do right now.

+3^10

 

[Randomnity]

btw, don't be this girl: http://imgur.com/a/r5kEb

 

[Salomé]

He is an INTP.

Edit: I knew intps would reply. This is a popular problem with this breed.

Heh. No kidding. Have a look at some of the other "why is my INTP such a shithead?" threads, In_Love.
These things never end well.

Although, you aren't going to listen to anything we say anyway.

btw, don't be this girl: http://imgur.com/a/r5kEb

Wow. Painful.

 

[figsfiggyfigs]

btw, don't be this girl: http://imgur.com/a/r5kEb

Oh dear GOD.

 

[Salomé]

I can't believe that's real.

 

[1487610420]

btw, don't be this girl: http://imgur.com/a/r5kEb

 

[Anew Leaf]

I think we need a new subforum for all threads where a girl is asking for help with an intp guy. And when they enter that forum there is no ability to make a thread. There is simply a statement saying "get over him."

The end.

Edit:

btw, don't be this girl: http://imgur.com/a/r5kEb

 

[Salomé]

Awww! Not all INTP guys are douches. There's Jock, for example. And... and.... and......
Well, there's Jock anyway.

 

[Society]

I think we need a new subforum for all threads where a girl is asking for help with an intp guy. And when they enter that forum there is no ability to make a thread. There is simply a statement saying "get over him."

The end.

Edit:

so just to be clear, from what i've got so far:
they are relationship-inapt, INTJs can't see beyond their own noses, ENTJs never grow up, and we are the world's assholes (glorious bastards in the best of cases)..

you know what the NT club needs? an opt-out option.

 

[figsfiggyfigs]

so just to be clear, from what i've got so far:
they are relationship-inapt, INTJs can't see beyond their own noses, ENTJs ENTPs never grow up, and we are the world's assholes (glorious bastards in the best of cases)..

you know what the NT club needs? an opt-out option.

Fixed!

 

[kyuuei]

btw, don't be this girl: http://imgur.com/a/r5kEb

He posted my texts? :c :c :c

But srsly. No matter what is going on, Han Solo there should text you.

I'm the worst with texting and letting people know what I'm doing and when.. Im just not used to people keeping tabs with me. 14 months later, I'm sure he's still not too used to it. Its hard to break long time habits, but apologies in your direction and attempts to fix it are always on the list of priorities when he does do things like that. It isn't worth breaking up over, but communication issues are what makes great relationships fall to pieces.. He needs to know that just because his needs are fewer than yours, it doesn't invalidate yours. If you're willing to give him the space he needs, he should be willing to tell you when he needs it. It's a simple exchange.

The "cool" bit got me. After 14 months of being together I'd say it's a pretty appropriate time to say the L word. I've said it much sooner in the past, and I meant it then. Whenever you need to say it is when you should say it.. But replying with "cool"? Did he just get done watching Star Wars?