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[NT] NT pulling away or just needing space?

In_Love

New member
Joined
Mar 2, 2012
Messages
6
My boyfriend is an NT. We have been dating for 14 months. In the past there have been times when I haven't heard from him for a day or two. But this week, other than seeing him on Monday I haven't really heard from him. I called him Tuesday and texted Wednesday with no reply. Then yesterday I texted him and asked if he wanted to have dinner last night but he declined saying things had been busy with work. I completely understand that his job is stressful sometimes. I also know that sometimes NT's need space. But how am I supposed to know what is going on if he doesn't communicate with me? I didn't try calling him last night and never repeatedly call if I call and he doesn't answer, but when is it okay to call with out seeming pushy? He has always told me that if something is bothering him he will tell me, but hasn't said anything.

I also think I possibly told him that I love him last weekend when we were drinking. If I bring up anything like saying I miss him or what he thinks of our situation all he says is cool. He has yet to say it to me, but does do alot of things for me. I'm not going to assume that that means he loves me, but I know he cares.

Sorry for this being all over the place, but I guess I just have alot on my mind. I would appreciate any opinions or advice.
 

Winds of Thor

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I think you're on a general good directional path...just steer a little more toward him. What I'm saying is...

Here's one key: Rather than look to communicate because people arguing are communicating. Rather, perceive how he sees things first. Consistently. Understand. With feeling. Go far, to come near.

If I were in his shoes right now I'd be wondering if there's a difference between things I hear from you and you really understanding me.

Maybe send him a note saying 'I know you're really busy right now, and thought you might be hungry. I left a sandwich at the front desk for you.'. Then leave him a note written by you alongside it too. With a smiley face.

That's something that would make me melt. And I would really start to consider us.

It's what you do for the relationship. Not just him or for you. Focus on doing things for the relationship. That's where the bonding will be created.
 
S

Society

Guest
He is an INTP.
and your extraverted?

i'll just be lazy then:
regarding the I/E - all it takes is learning that they (I's) need their space or they feel pushed to the corner without the energy to solve the problem... giving up the immediacy of the problems,and that we (E's) need a communication outlet to process and figure things out, giving up some sense of privacy (preferably with people who don't know them - online).

basically from my exp in this respect, pushing them to communicate with you now is... never a good idea, you'd be pushing them into a corner they aren't comfortable with and your not going to like their way out of it. let them go through the process.

and you need to talk to gain perspective and process the thing? do... exactly what your doing right now (assuming your boyfriend doesn't come here), talk about what bothers you to others, but make sure its people who don't know you or him personally (introverts can be very private about their info), people he'd never have to face. this way when he got his space, you got some perspective as well, you'd both be on the same level.
 

JocktheMotie

Habitual Fi LineStepper
Joined
Nov 20, 2008
Messages
8,491
INTPs will sometimes need to unplug from the world for a bit, but that doesn't necessarily mean something is wrong. As you say, could be work stresses or some other factor, and they typically just need some time to work some things out.

However, this doesn't mean they get a free pass to be non-communicative without letting you know they're going to be somewhat unavailable. You need to make it clear that while he's perfectly entitled to his space or a "lonely week," you're perfectly entitled to some non-involved texts or email updates every now and then.
 

Spamtar

Ghost Monkey Soul
Joined
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5w4
Stop calling him (wait for him to contact you instead) and you will find out pretty fast
 

In_Love

New member
Joined
Mar 2, 2012
Messages
6
Stop calling him (wait for him to contact you instead) and you will find out pretty fast

I was SO afraid you would say this. :( I was going to call or text tonight and ask if everything was okay. It bugs me not to know. I am an introvert (INSP).
 
S

Society

Guest
I was SO afraid you would say this. :( I was going to call or text tonight and ask if everything was okay. It bugs me not to know. I am an introvert (INSP).

hey lady- i am practicing the dicipline of giving my xwife the space and not contacting her for a period of... probably at least a few months, and i wouldn't be surprised if the needed period its actually more like a year or more, enough for her to have several encounters and possibly relationships in the mean time, and right now after nearly 40 hours without sleep augmented by increasing amounts of beer... my self discipline is really hitting the curb...

so if your guy needs a week for himself, consider how much worst it can be, and say thank you, say thank you that whatever he's feeling it's probably not scorching loathing hate towards you, and that your waiting time doesn't stretch longer then time itself.

also i am 90% certain that there's no such thing as an INSP on the MBTI...
 

Spamtar

Ghost Monkey Soul
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I was SO afraid you would say this. :( I was going to call or text tonight and ask if everything was okay. It bugs me not to know. I am an introvert (INSP).

“Love never dies of starvation, but often of indigestion”. Ninon de Lenclos (French courtesan)
 

strawberries

shadow boxer
Joined
Apr 20, 2010
Messages
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MBTI Type
----
“Love never dies of starvation, but often of indigestion”. Ninon de Lenclos (French courtesan)

this. he won't like being nattered.

you don't need to submit to his standards though. if you feel you can't handle his communication style you can factor that into your decision making on whether you wish to be with him. perhaps you need someone who is more open/responsive to you? don't just suffer and submit - use this space to think about what you need and do some analysis on whether he measures up to that.
 
A

A window to the soul

Guest
My boyfriend is an NT. We have been dating for 14 months. In the past there have been times when I haven't heard from him for a day or two. But this week, other than seeing him on Monday I haven't really heard from him. I called him Tuesday and texted Wednesday with no reply. Then yesterday I texted him and asked if he wanted to have dinner last night but he declined saying things had been busy with work. I completely understand that his job is stressful sometimes. I also know that sometimes NT's need space. But how am I supposed to know what is going on if he doesn't communicate with me? I didn't try calling him last night and never repeatedly call if I call and he doesn't answer, but when is it okay to call with out seeming pushy? He has always told me that if something is bothering him he will tell me, but hasn't said anything.

I also think I possibly told him that I love him last weekend when we were drinking. If I bring up anything like saying I miss him or what he thinks of our situation all he says is cool. He has yet to say it to me, but does do alot of things for me. I'm not going to assume that that means he loves me, but I know he cares.

Sorry for this being all over the place, but I guess I just have alot on my mind. I would appreciate any opinions or advice.

  • He's turned off, leave him alone.
  • Lay off the alcohol.
  • Take a step back. Start dating other guys. Do this sooner, than later. You will forget about him.
  • Nobody, male or female, is attracted to neediness or wants to be nagged and forced to respond back a certain way.
 
F

figsfiggyfigs

Guest
Am I the only one annoyed by this? I get needing time alone and separating yourself from you're mate when needed. But is it that difficult to sy " hey I'm busy. I won't be able to talk for a few days, I'll call you when I fell it is okay to do so?"

I can only see one doing all of this if they did not want to communicate with the person anymore.

Jesus. 4 months isnt log. Ditch him.


Edit: I knew intps would reply. This is a popular problem with this breed.
 
A

A window to the soul

Guest
Am I the only one annoyed by this? I get needing time alone and separating yourself from you're mate when needed. But is it that difficult to sy " hey I'm busy. I won't be able to talk for a few days, I'll call you when I fell it is okay to do so?"

No, but we don't know the whole story. He reminds me of how I act when I am about to end it. He might not love her. I've dated someone for a few months and realized that I didn't love them and couldn't love them the way they loved me. He might not want to hurt her by telling her that. He may be a coward.
 
F

figsfiggyfigs

Guest
No, but we don't know the whole story. He reminds me of how I act when I am about to end it. He might not love her. I've dated someone for a few months and realized that I didn't love them and couldn't love them the way they loved me. He might not want to hurt her by telling her that. He may be a coward.
I stated that in my earlier edit. I agree.



It seems she isn't aware that anything happened at all to allow for such a distant reaction. She genuinely seems confused as to why he is behaving this way; I don't understand the point of putting up with someone so passive aggressive. Move on ISFP.
 
A

A window to the soul

Guest
I stated that in my earlier edit. I agree.

It seems she isn't aware that anything happened at all to allow for such a distant reaction. She genuinely seems confused as to why he is behaving this way; I don't understand the point of putting up with someone so passive aggressive. Move on ISFP.

Amen.
 

Randomnity

insert random title here
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wait, reality check: this is friday. they saw each other on monday. A call monday and a text Wed had no reply, and a text Thurs got the response that he's busy.

So that's two "flaked replies" in 1 week with one perfectly legit explanation (busy at work). What's with the chorus of DTMFA?? Give it a few weeks to see how it goes when work gets less busy (presumably it will by then). Yes, he could be blowing her off, but he could also likely actually be busy at work.
 
A

A window to the soul

Guest
wait, reality check: this is friday. they saw each other on monday. A call monday and a text Wed had no reply, and a text Thurs got the response that he's busy.

So that's two "flaked replies" in 1 week with one perfectly legit explanation (busy at work). What's with the chorus of DTMFA?? Give it a few weeks to see how it goes when work gets less busy (presumably it will by then). Yes, he could be blowing her off, but he could also likely actually be busy at work.

That's not how relationships work nor is that love. They've been dating for 14-months. When she told him she loved him he said "cool." She said that's all he ever says to her affections.

She's not happy. Time to throw him back and move on.
 
F

figsfiggyfigs

Guest
wait, reality check: this is friday. they saw each other on monday. A call monday and a text Wed had no reply, and a text Thurs got the response that he's busy.

So that's two "flaked replies" in 1 week with one perfectly legit explanation (busy at work). What's with the chorus of DTMFA?? Give it a few weeks to see how it goes when work gets less busy (presumably it will by then). Yes, he could be blowing her off, but he could also likely actually be busy at work.

Wait a few weeks? :laugh:
 

Randomnity

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Wait a few weeks? :laugh:

Rather than drop a 1+ year relationship because he doesn't reply to 2 messages during a busy week at work? Not sure why that's a bizarre idea...
 
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