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  1. #1
    Senior Member FunnyDigestion's Avatar
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    Question Better relations with INTJ father

    How could I do it?

    My dad's really weird. The estrangement between us is the source of a lot of guilt. Partly because nobody else in the family can relate to him, so it feels like a duty to try to do it.

    I don't think I've ever had a real conversation with him. It's usually a one-sided thing from his direction. He goes off on these diatribes, it's tiresome. The problem is he's so stubborn & close-minded. Whereas my failing is that I don't have the ability or the courage to talk to him directly, knowing it would just cause an argument & I've already had enough arguments with him.

    Maybe comedy is one possibility. He can be pretty hilarious even though his sense of humor doesn't encompass irony, he takes everything seriously, & takes everything literally.

    I know every person is different, you guys don't know him, but there's a general INTJ aroma that I pick up from most of the INTJs here. So what I'm saying is you guys remind me of my dad, & I'm gonna get this straight from the horse's mouth
    RCUAI
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    "Man is free, but his freedom ceases when he has no faith in it."

  2. #2
    Senior Member Nicodemus's Avatar
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    To bring the topic to the table, create a relaxing situation so that he is not mentally occupied with something 'more important'. Give him drinks to connect him to the here-and-now. Then be honest.

    To establish a better relationship in the long run, a shared activity might be useful.

  3. #3
    Senior Member FunnyDigestion's Avatar
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    Maybe drinks wouldn't be the wisest. They tend not to mix too well with either of us..

    Actually, we've had one great conversation before. It was about black holes.
    RCUAI
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    "Man is free, but his freedom ceases when he has no faith in it."

  4. #4
    morose bourgeoisie
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    Shock him. say 'I yeah yeah yeah. You're opinion is so important. To you.'
    Let him know that he lives in his head too much and it's eroding your relationship.
    He might surprise you and so the right thing.

  5. #5
    Senior Member INTP's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nebbykoo View Post
    Shock him. say 'I yeah yeah yeah. You're opinion is so important. To you.'
    Let him know that he lives in his head too much and it's eroding your relationship.
    He might surprise you and so the right thing.
    This would just trigger even more irrational attempt to use Fi and make him defencive because it would be direct attack against his ego and most INTJs seem to place quite alot of value on their ego.
    "Where wisdom reigns, there is no conflict between thinking and feeling."
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  6. #6
    morose bourgeoisie
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    Quote Originally Posted by INTP View Post
    This would just trigger even more irrational attempt to use Fi and make him defencive because it would be direct attack against his ego and most INTJs seem to place quite alot of value on their ego.
    It's not his childrens' responsibility to protect his ego when his ego is the problem. He is not in possession of 'the truth'. they have their own truth which deserves to be heard, whatever the nature of the reaction.

  7. #7
    Senior Member INTP's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nebbykoo View Post
    It's not his childrens' responsibility to protect his ego when his ego is the problem. He is not in possession of 'the truth'. they have their own truth which deserves to be heard, whatever the nature of the reaction.
    Yea, but some other method might be more beneficial. But who knows, maybe he is mature enough already that he can listen to people who go against his ego
    "Where wisdom reigns, there is no conflict between thinking and feeling."
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  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by nebbykoo View Post
    It's not his childrens' responsibility to protect his ego when his ego is the problem. He is not in possession of 'the truth'. they have their own truth which deserves to be heard, whatever the nature of the reaction.
    fortunately or unfortunately, there is no license for parenting, and if their was i bet they'd forget to put humility as a requirement. parents are humans, they act to hurt in various irrational ways (even us NTs), and because they are parents, facing the lost of their child's respect would cause a lot of hurt and a lot of resulting irrational behavior, and being an NT actually means you have less experience dealing with emotions because you mostly ever face them only when they are extreme.

    how about instead...
    Quote Originally Posted by FunnyDigestion View Post
    I don't think I've ever had a real conversation with him.
    you want to make a connection with him i am guessing? and your an INFP? how about mixing your extroverted intuition with his introverted intuition to get some mental bonding? try this: pick a topic your Fi is completely numb about, something where values don't matter, and bring it up as a topic of conversation... ask him questions about it, and focus on your intuition rather then your emotions when you answer.

    no promises it can work, and i am no INTJ, but... it could. Ne-Ni dynamics are very good when they are on the same level, so try to... force it just a little bit to compensate for the fact your Ne is secondary.

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