but the likelihood of her meeting someone better? yes, she might find someone she'd feel safer with who'll be more attuned to her specific insecurities, and she might find someone who is more reaffirming for her, but that's just a healing process and doesn't last, and her emotional processes are too fast for that to become a bond once it's over... and after that - someone who was as impressive to her as a person, as comfortable with himself as i am and made her feel comfortable going out of her shell, someone who was as giving and loyal as i was, someone she had that level of mental and physical chemistry with, someone who was as dedicated and loving and thoughtful father for her son, someone with whom she was able to overcome the trauma that left her with that son and wanted him to father more, someone who took so many risks for her, whose relationships survived as many trials and tests as, someone who has helped her grow and grow with her, someone as... frankly, as awesome as me? the list can go on and on, but the point stays: it's incredibly unlikely to happen for her, there's a hell of a lot that she came to take for granted that she won't be able to anymore.
whether i will want to go back to her, or whether we'll just be friends so i can have a relationship with the boy i've being raising almost all his life... i don't know right now.
but at some point i'm going to hear these words: " why did you have to be such an asshole?!"
in the mean time i am pushing myself to go on with my life as much as i can.