First off, I would like to warn everyone that this is, in fact, my first post. Eeek.
I am an INTJ, but coming from having been an ENTP.
Now, I should probably get to telling you what the provocative title is regarding!
Ladies and Gentlemen, I am in a spot of bother. Fourteen months ago, I met the most amazing (INTJ) girl, but (as always) there was a catch.
Now I'll try not to make this too word heavy, but there is a lot going on.
We're perfect together, same interests, yet diverse also, we can talk for days on end with never a dull moment. We debate all the time, never hurting the other's feelings, both studying medicine, avid readers, spend a huge amount of time together, etc. I'll let you guys fill in the rest of the paragraph with an assortment of other smitten ramblings. We are both rather young, she's 22 and I am 20.
But we're not dating!
Haha, you heard me right. We talk daily, we see each other a bazillion times a week, we visit each other, are in many volunteer organisations together and a myriad of other jazz, and yet we are not dating.
She grew up in a small rural community, started dating this amazing man at the age of 12 and was engaged at 15. However, five years into their engagement and three weeks before their wedding, he was killed in a car accident.
She shut down after that. He was all she had known for so long, and without him... I can't even pretend to understand what it was like. They had been living together, to top off his death, she lost her home because she couldn't afford it alone. Anyway, not to get all touchy feely; I suppose it's suffice to say that afterwards she fell into academics and volunteering even more than she was before his passing.
When I first met her, I was amazed by her, we hit it off right away. She engaged me in debates the likes of which I had only dreamed of beforehand. I'm rather bright, very bright actually, and yet compared to her, my knowledge feels insignificant. She's the first person I've met who's able to challenge me on so many levels, and I her. The second time I saw her, I asked her out and she said yes.
I'm getting a bit bogged down in the story, my apologies. I'll try to be more concise and get to the point, there's just so much to cover.
She told me about her previous partner on our first 'date', and that she was going to promise to love this man in life and in death, and that even though she never actually uttered the words, she had decided (perhaps promised) never to date again.
She's not one for friends, more for acquaintances. Doesn't do much socially aside from volunteering, yet 14 months down the track and we are hanging out left, right and centre. She still wears his ring, but for months she has been wearing a bracelet I got her at Christmas 2 years ago.
We are a couple, but we are not. She stayed with me for a few weeks while her room was renovated. We are so brilliant together, yet there is this history that caps us from being everything we can.
I love her, despite my best efforts. Not trying to toot my own horn, but I am young, smart, attractive, athletic, witty, and yet I cannot act like a normal one of my peers. I can't help but think about this one girl; I pretend I wish I had a choice in this, but I wouldn't choose another given the opportunity.
I was hoping to get the views of some other INTJs. Are we destined to forever be this pseudo-couple? We have to thoroughly go out of our way to assure people, including our families, that we are not dating.
I don't wish to make her have to choose between her past and her future, I refuse to lose her. We've come to depend on one another, and I know she relies on me for a lot. She has no one else she lets so close, yet there is this bit of her past that is holding us back.
I'm not going to force her into anything, and I think that's one of the reasons we are so close, but I'm concerned that she's going to pull back and martyr herself for fear that she's 'using' me, as I've not hidden how I feel about her.
I don't know how you guys can help, I've seen some of the other posts and I've found useful information in quite a few of them. I guess I'm hoping perhaps some of you can advise me how in the world I am meant to proceed here. Thank you, for whatever you give.
Sorry for the thesis!