User Tag List

Results 1 to 10 of 10

  1. #1
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    MBTI
    INTJ
    Posts
    4

    Default An INTJ in Crisis

    First off, I would like to warn everyone that this is, in fact, my first post. Eeek.

    I am an INTJ, but coming from having been an ENTP.

    Now, I should probably get to telling you what the provocative title is regarding!
    Ladies and Gentlemen, I am in a spot of bother. Fourteen months ago, I met the most amazing (INTJ) girl, but (as always) there was a catch.

    Now I'll try not to make this too word heavy, but there is a lot going on.

    We're perfect together, same interests, yet diverse also, we can talk for days on end with never a dull moment. We debate all the time, never hurting the other's feelings, both studying medicine, avid readers, spend a huge amount of time together, etc. I'll let you guys fill in the rest of the paragraph with an assortment of other smitten ramblings. We are both rather young, she's 22 and I am 20.

    But we're not dating!

    Haha, you heard me right. We talk daily, we see each other a bazillion times a week, we visit each other, are in many volunteer organisations together and a myriad of other jazz, and yet we are not dating.

    She grew up in a small rural community, started dating this amazing man at the age of 12 and was engaged at 15. However, five years into their engagement and three weeks before their wedding, he was killed in a car accident.

    She shut down after that. He was all she had known for so long, and without him... I can't even pretend to understand what it was like. They had been living together, to top off his death, she lost her home because she couldn't afford it alone. Anyway, not to get all touchy feely; I suppose it's suffice to say that afterwards she fell into academics and volunteering even more than she was before his passing.

    When I first met her, I was amazed by her, we hit it off right away. She engaged me in debates the likes of which I had only dreamed of beforehand. I'm rather bright, very bright actually, and yet compared to her, my knowledge feels insignificant. She's the first person I've met who's able to challenge me on so many levels, and I her. The second time I saw her, I asked her out and she said yes.

    I'm getting a bit bogged down in the story, my apologies. I'll try to be more concise and get to the point, there's just so much to cover.

    She told me about her previous partner on our first 'date', and that she was going to promise to love this man in life and in death, and that even though she never actually uttered the words, she had decided (perhaps promised) never to date again.

    She's not one for friends, more for acquaintances. Doesn't do much socially aside from volunteering, yet 14 months down the track and we are hanging out left, right and centre. She still wears his ring, but for months she has been wearing a bracelet I got her at Christmas 2 years ago.

    We are a couple, but we are not. She stayed with me for a few weeks while her room was renovated. We are so brilliant together, yet there is this history that caps us from being everything we can.
    I love her, despite my best efforts. Not trying to toot my own horn, but I am young, smart, attractive, athletic, witty, and yet I cannot act like a normal one of my peers. I can't help but think about this one girl; I pretend I wish I had a choice in this, but I wouldn't choose another given the opportunity.

    I was hoping to get the views of some other INTJs. Are we destined to forever be this pseudo-couple? We have to thoroughly go out of our way to assure people, including our families, that we are not dating.

    I don't wish to make her have to choose between her past and her future, I refuse to lose her. We've come to depend on one another, and I know she relies on me for a lot. She has no one else she lets so close, yet there is this bit of her past that is holding us back.
    I'm not going to force her into anything, and I think that's one of the reasons we are so close, but I'm concerned that she's going to pull back and martyr herself for fear that she's 'using' me, as I've not hidden how I feel about her.

    I don't know how you guys can help, I've seen some of the other posts and I've found useful information in quite a few of them. I guess I'm hoping perhaps some of you can advise me how in the world I am meant to proceed here. Thank you, for whatever you give.

    Sorry for the thesis!

  2. #2
    Senior Member ceecee's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    MBTI
    INTJ
    Enneagram
    8w9
    Posts
    9,713

    Default

    Dating? At 12? Engaged at 15? Do you live in Appalachia or something? You'll be a pseudo-couple as long as you both allow it. You refuse to lose her. Yeah yeah but you can't compete with a ghost either. So you have to decide, do you want to be the man in here life who is here and alive and wants here or do you want to be the third wheel in a relationship with the deceased? If you do, you need to make that known in no unspecific terms. Yes she had suffered a loss. So have lots of people. It doesn't define them.
    I like to rock n' roll all night and *part* of every day. I usually have errands... I can only rock from like 1-3.

  3. #3
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    MBTI
    INTJ
    Posts
    4

    Default

    Appalachia, haha, not quite, we're from rural Australia, now living in a minor city for university.

    I would very much like to be her partner, I have tried to consistently demonstrate this subtly. So you believe that approaching her about this is best? I was of the impression that if we ignored the past and just continued to bond, eventually she'd see how close we were and realise that we're both intrinsic to one another's lives.

    Thank you for your quick reply to my first message!

  4. #4
    Senior Member ceecee's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    MBTI
    INTJ
    Enneagram
    8w9
    Posts
    9,713

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Akhilleus View Post
    Appalachia, haha, not quite, we're from rural Australia, now living in a minor city for university.

    I would very much like to be her partner, I have tried to consistently demonstrate this subtly. So you believe that approaching her about this is best? I was of the impression that if we ignored the past and just continued to bond, eventually she'd see how close we were and realise that we're both intrinsic to one another's lives.

    Thank you for your quick reply to my first message!
    People don't just "see" these things and playing this game is a waste of time. I think leaving it to chance is the worst possible course of action. Yes tell her. Yes make your feelings and intentions very clear. Confidence speaks volumes.
    I like to rock n' roll all night and *part* of every day. I usually have errands... I can only rock from like 1-3.

  5. #5
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    MBTI
    INTJ
    Posts
    4

    Default

    Okay, I've been feeling that the time is growing ripe to have a talk. It's not that confidence has been lacking, just that she has already stated her intentions when we met, and I mine. Since then we have grown close, with her knowing that I wish to date her - something I have not hidden. I always thought that given that there's not really another potential suitor who'd invest the time and effort to help her through this, that I could build a rapport with her until it was clear that she could have as long as she needed. You're saying that she could be stuck in the past indefinitely (which I can also potentially see), and that giving her time to come to terms with it is unlikely to help, as such I should act now-ish?

  6. #6
    Senior Member ceecee's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    MBTI
    INTJ
    Enneagram
    8w9
    Posts
    9,713

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Akhilleus View Post
    Okay, I've been feeling that the time is growing ripe to have a talk. It's not that confidence has been lacking, just that she has already stated her intentions when we met, and I mine. Since then we have grown close, with her knowing that I wish to date her - something I have not hidden. I always thought that given that there's not really another potential suitor who'd invest the time and effort to help her through this, that I could build a rapport with her until it was clear that she could have as long as she needed. You're saying that she could be stuck in the past indefinitely (which I can also potentially see), and that giving her time to come to terms with it is unlikely to help, as such I should act now-ish?
    There probably isn't another suitor that would have put in this time and effort either, I agree. If she doesn't want to go to another level with you, that's fine. She is entitled to do and feel whatever she wants. However, so are you and you should not put your life on hold for something that's going nowhere. That doesn't mean you can't be friends with her but if she is firm about not wanting a romantic relationship with you, she should understand when you find someone else who does.
    I like to rock n' roll all night and *part* of every day. I usually have errands... I can only rock from like 1-3.

  7. #7
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    MBTI
    INTJ
    Posts
    4

    Default

    I have to go to uni at the moment, but I'll be back in a few hours, I really appreciate your input.

  8. #8
    Analytical Dreamer Coriolis's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    MBTI
    INTJ
    Enneagram
    5w6 sp/sx
    Posts
    17,556

    Default

    People who have had experiences like your friend's often do get over it and move on, but it can take a long time - sometimes many years. Other people can influence how quickly this process takes, but there is only so far you can encourage or push someone. It might help to have a candid discussion with her about it. Whatever you agreed to when you became friends, there is no deception or dishonesty in admitting that your feelings and desires have changed. All the more reason for you to make this clear if they have.

    There are three main possibilities. (1) You convince her to enter a dating relationship with you; (2) she insists on remaining just friends, and you agree; (3) she insists on remaining just friends, and you leave. If (1) happens, you can embark on the relationship you have been wanting. Otherwise, your readiness to do (3) will determine how willing you are to continue in (2).

    You are both still young. Others may disagree, but if you enjoy this person's company and feel no pull to date other people, staying together as-is might be the best course of action for now. Consider it an investment in a possible future relationship. She may come to realize the desirability of taking the next step. You must be prepared, though, for the possibility that the might take that step with someone else. As long as you are honest with her (and with yourself), and reevaluate things periodically, it should be a reasonable calculated risk.
    I've been called a criminal, a terrorist, and a threat to the known universe. But everything you were told is a lie. The truth is, they've taken our freedom, our home, and our future. The time has come for all humanity to take a stand...

  9. #9
    Administrator highlander's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    MBTI
    INTJ
    Enneagram
    6w5 sx/sp
    Socionics
    ILI Ni
    Posts
    17,899

    Default

    You need to act and stop thinking. Jump her bones. Either she will say no or that it's about time.

    Edit: If you don't, someone else will grab her and you'll be very upset with yourself for not doing something when you had a chance.

    Please provide feedback on my Nohari and Johari Window by clicking here: Nohari/Johari

    Tri-type 639

  10. #10
    Tempbanned
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    MBTI
    INTJ
    Enneagram
    6w5 sx/so
    Posts
    8,162

    Default

    This is one of the oddest, funniest, and most intriguing OPs I've read in awhile.

    The advice given thus far is solid.

    I'm just posting to subscribe.

Similar Threads

  1. [INTJ] Stuttering, Poor Self-Image and Resultant Lack of Confidence in an INTJ?
    By Far7anR in forum The NT Rationale (ENTP, INTP, ENTJ, INTJ)
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 05-01-2014, 03:15 PM
  2. [INTJ] An INTJ I know is in an Ni-Fi loop--can I help?
    By SubtleFighter in forum The NT Rationale (ENTP, INTP, ENTJ, INTJ)
    Replies: 28
    Last Post: 11-25-2013, 01:48 PM
  3. Could you fall in love with an INTJ?
    By maydelle in forum Myers-Briggs and Jungian Cognitive Functions
    Replies: 63
    Last Post: 11-08-2010, 09:02 PM
  4. Greetings from an INTJ in DC
    By Honu26 in forum Welcomes and Introductions
    Replies: 10
    Last Post: 06-14-2009, 01:04 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO