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  1. #21
    Habitual Fi LineStepper JocktheMotie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DeweyCheatem-n-Howe View Post
    A good question, and one I'm hesitant to try to answer as I am struggling to separate the "grass is greener" POV from reality. I was infatuated, so all of her flaws I ignored, and I was in full "adapt to the expectations of whoever you're trying to impress" mode so my flaws were hidden. In hindsight, we got married waaaaaaaay too fast.
    That rings a bell. If both of you are truly non-involved or disinterested in each other, the grass seems greener because it is. Once two people just become cohabitants, and unsuccessful ones at that, it can be hard to reignite anything. Lucky for you, INTJs seem to take commitment seriously so there will most likely be desire to fix it, however in a manner that is mostly favorable to how they operate.

    If you want to use MBTI, and your partner dismisses the concept, just don't the MBTI language but use the principles. But if she's truly closed to compromise there's nothing you can do.

    All this assumes you're not actually at fault though, and for all we know, you could be.



  2. #22
    Junior Member DeweyCheatem-n-Howe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JocktheMotie View Post
    That rings a bell. If both of you are truly non-involved or disinterested in each other, the grass seems greener because it is. Once two people just become cohabitants, and unsuccessful ones at that, it can be hard to reignite anything. Lucky for you, INTJs seem to take commitment seriously so there will most likely be desire to fix it, however in a manner that is mostly favorable to how they operate.

    If you want to use MBTI, and your partner dismisses the concept, just don't the MBTI language but use the principles. But if she's truly closed to compromise there's nothing you can do.

    All this assumes you're not actually at fault though, and for all we know, you could be.
    Hell, for all I know I could be.

  3. #23
    Habitual Fi LineStepper JocktheMotie's Avatar
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    It's something to keep in mind. We, the peanut gallery, can't know for sure so it's important that YOU know for sure. Oddly, this is something INTPs tend to be good at because typically in relationships they always assume it's their fault anyways and they're just "reacting" incorrectly.

    However, provided you think her demands are too unreasonable, it could be that her pestering is merely a symptom of a more holistic dissatisfaction in the relationship and you should get at that, and see if it can be resolved. To be honest, the badgering over organisation or whatever is less concerning than the fact that you two ignore each other. You should expand on why that is.



  4. #24
    Analytical Dreamer Coriolis's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DeweyCheatem-n-Howe View Post
    Hell, for all I know I could be.
    Perhaps, but all the more reason then for you to take the initiative to try to fix things. My SO is INTP, and with us, things are almost the opposite in this regard. I am more likely to bring up problems in the relationship and want to fix them. My INTP often hasn't time, can't be bothered, is doing something else, and generally doesn't see it as a priority. I have had to learn to be more patient, since things eventually do improve, and we have both had to learn to interpret the other person's style of communication.

    You might benefit from doing something structured together rather than trying to wing it. This could be couples counseling, or following a self-help book you agree upon, or even just exploring each others' MBTI, enneagram, or big 5 types together. I know you mentioned your wife expressed disinterest, but most INTJs worth their salt can't resist the lure of a system, even if they initially investigate only to point out its errors!
    I've been called a criminal, a terrorist, and a threat to the known universe. But everything you were told is a lie. The truth is, they've taken our freedom, our home, and our future. The time has come for all humanity to take a stand...

  5. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by Coriolis View Post
    Are you saying this because INTJ tert Fi should be stronger than INTP inferior Fe? I have found INTJs (myself included) to appear more passionate sometimes than INTPs in promoting their own ideas, but otherwise see little difference between the two types.
    Yes, but I've also noticed the INTJ conflict with feeling. I didn't say they were overly emotional, or emotional wrecks (they seem to hold it together better than INTPs), I'm just pointing out that they are more prone to have these inner conflicts, which express themselves as hidden feelings that come out in strange ways.

    Its a funny thing, as when I Ne most people confuse that with being dumb and emotional. Its interesting. This is not what INTJs do; I just happen to see the emotion all over them.

  6. #26
    Analytical Dreamer Coriolis's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Meaning View Post
    Yes, but I've also noticed the INTJ conflict with feeling. I didn't say they were overly emotional, or emotional wrecks (they seem to hold it together better than INTPs), I'm just pointing out that they are more prone to have these inner conflicts, which express themselves as hidden feelings that come out in strange ways.

    Its a funny thing, as when I Ne most people confuse that with being dumb and emotional. Its interesting. This is not what INTJs do; I just happen to see the emotion all over them.
    This all makes sense. What does INTJ emotion look like to you, especially in contrast with that of other types?
    I've been called a criminal, a terrorist, and a threat to the known universe. But everything you were told is a lie. The truth is, they've taken our freedom, our home, and our future. The time has come for all humanity to take a stand...

  7. #27
    Senior Member hilo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DeweyCheatem-n-Howe View Post
    Anecdotes from those who have either successful or failed INTP/INTJ relationships, with speculation as to what elements of life were most challenging and what elements of the two types were most complimentary. If you succeeded, what issues did you have to overcome and how did you do it; if you didn't, what was the biggest issue that sunk the relationship.
    Prologue: I was in a long-term (4 year) relationship with an INTJ that imploded quickly after we got engaged (sometimes INTP have to have a bucket of cold water thrown on them to wake them up). Also it seems our genders are reversed and I think that may make some differences (due to gender role pressures, it's my belief/observation that INTP/INTJ females (like INFP/INFJ males) are more likely to be well-rounded i.e., have developed inferior functions). It may not really matter though so here we go:

    The Good: Didn't tend to have huge values clashes. Neither of us were materialistic or put much stock in "life recipes" that prescribe how and when you do major life things. We spoke the "same language" being NTs = less work trying to explain where you are coming from. Superficially, our interests were similar but in the long run this is of very minor importance to long-term happiness. Of course, we both could nerd out on topics most people don't care about. Conversations were generally interesting/expanding, and I never got tired of his company (we would still be great friends if the relationship part had not happened, I'm pretty sure). Never had to deal with emotional outbursts or jealousy or other irrational behaviors. I could explain to him how he was wrong and he would accept it, and vice versa. Rarely fought.

    The Bad: Major P-J clashes. He was uncompromising and harsh when his J was upset, and I was the one forced to accomodate by "becoming more J" (this just equals terrible stress for INTP, and honestly not a lot of success). I was slowly forced to become a sort of non-INTP (taking over all the procedural life tasks, e.g., cooking and laundry). If our relationship needed balance it felt like I was always the one who had to provide it. Terrible communication when it came to internal things (feelings). Fi's "just feel", which is weird to an INTP, while INTPs childish Fe can rub INTJ the wrong way (I just never brought it out). We both avoided serious relationship discussions. I kept a lot of my personality on "lock down" because I felt he would not like it (particularly, the creative, flighty side). He could not empathize well or show emotional support when I was going through a hard time (medical problems) and this contributed to a lot of distance between us. Both of us liked to make our own plans, neither wanted to let the other be driver. He asked me to marry him out of the blue - we had zero discussions beforehand, yet he had been thinking about it a lot.

    That was kind of a stream-of-consciousness post, hope it is helpful. I don't think this pairing is doomed, but you need to both have developed emotional maturity and willingness/desire to engage in Fi/Fe.
    I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.
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    Ti = Ne (41.3) > Si (31.2) ~ Ni (31.1) ~ Te (30.1) > Se (24.1) >> Fe (21) & Fi (20.1)

  8. #28
    Junior Member DeweyCheatem-n-Howe's Avatar
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    hilo, that sounds distressingly similar. Also, please don't apologize for stream-of-consciousness writing; it's how I "roll", too.

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