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[NT] ENTP (NT) Going back to Ex's

Ness

New member
Joined
Jan 25, 2012
Messages
27
MBTI Type
INFJ
Hay ENTP's

So here's a thing for you about Ex's

A few months back I met an ENTP and we hit it off right away, like never be for! After a couple of month's he started to change and got really flirty with me.
I'm bad at picking up signals but I would say he's interested. He teases me, plays with me,touches me, facebooks me regularly told a mutual fried he 'really likes me' and cheers me up at any hint of a frown, he takes time to spend 1 on 1 time with me (a couple of times has got me sneak off with him) most of his friends have asked me out so I guess he'd find me attractive :newwink:

Ok so Iv done nothing about this other than reciprocate his friendliness and be myself. I take time to get to know someone regardless of if I'm interested in them or not. Also I fear doing the wrong thing and miss reading signals.

THE THING IS.

He's not long out of a long term relationship him and his ex share a lot of close mutual Friends.
After 6-7 months of no sign of her she's now back on the scene out with us (big group of friends) all the time.
She's gorgeous, charming, slightly obsessed and wants him back big time! At first he was very cold toward her but he seems to be warming a little, but is that the start of them rekindling the romance? or is he just being kind and likes to see her?

His interest in me seemed unaffected but it put me right off. More so all our Friends seem to think they are an amazing couple and have broken up be for and got back together a few times. like its written in the stars.
Though I would say the relationship sounds very cooked to me like it has nowhere to go, a futile kind of love.
He himself does not view the relationship through rose tinted spectacles, Iv picked up on a few comments he's made.
since she's turned up I felt really intimated and she's clung onto me which is frightening. I know he's interest in me is not to make her jealous because most of our close friendship has been 1 on 1 behind closed doors.

But also

He is at a very important stage of his life she left him at a very bad time and he must have been very hurt. He's doing amazingly well having beaten an illness.

He's exploring his freedom and health,doing lots with his business and genuinely enjoying life and his many interests. I don't think he's ready for anything big right now but none the less we have met and there is chemistry.

I want something small to start slowly but maybe he thinks I'm like most other girls who just want it all right now.

I don't want him to feel like anything between us would get in the way of what he needs right now. Its so great to see him doing well.
However I feel stilted by the situation I don't want to put pressure on him but I also need to see him more and have more attention from him to allow me to feel comfortable enough to reciprocate more and to get over the presence of his ex. I see him maybe once a month in a group
I need to know for sure wat he thinks of me, if Im wrong I'll just move on and distance myself
I fear i may lose a great guy, as at the moment he's not getting much off me in terms of romantic signals (Im rubbish at this at the best of times).
I guess he still loves her or at least holds a great deal of affection, this is normal and Im fine with that it fades with time. Also I guess he's misses her, i miss my ex he was best friend.:cry:

So if you could help me for the sake answering my questions and for the general ENTP discussion on it that would be really great because Im stuck on this.

So your thoughts please

Great ENTP idea on what to do. So many problems! If there was no Ex and he could drink we would have done it by now!:wubbie:

The draw of an ex long to term lover you miss V's the potential of new one your just getting to know that is very different to the ex.

Do you go back and why? when would you call over?

Does he seem interested to you?

How do I show an interest?

If he loses interest in me due to lack of signals, is it possible to get it back?

thank you your great X

Im new here so I hope to stick around.

P.S I know Im just getting a few ideas off people, Im just so stuck on this one thats all helps the heaps of anlysis going on at the mo.

Thank you, thank you . . Much :hug: sorry its a long post.
 

Kasper

Diabolical
Joined
May 30, 2008
Messages
11,590
MBTI Type
ENTP
Enneagram
9w8
Instinctual Variant
so/sx
The draw of an ex long to term lover you miss V's the potential of new one your just getting to know that is very different to the ex.

How do you know he misses her? You say you guess that's the case because you miss yours but I don't believe that is a fair presumption.

For me the question you've posed in the quote is so not a fair competition on any level whatsoever. Door 1 involves something from the past, something that has a known outcome, at the point that it ended it can be difficult and if the other person is ending things you can not want it to end and do/say what you feel you need in order to keep it going, but once it ends it's done, I move on, fast. Door 2, presuming I am interested is a future of unknowns, possibilities, new adventures, in short; everything that excites an ENTP.

New beats old hands down.

So no, I would never go back, partly because once bitten twice shy, but mostly because if it didn't work the first time I would have no expectations for anything different in the future, if she left me once then clearly I don't matter enough to her to work through difficulties. If someone doesn't want me, I do not want them.

As to his interest, probably, but no one can tell you any more than you already know as you're the one telling us.

As to your expression of interest, I can be oblivious to attention when I don't expect it, and over sensitive to analyse every little thing they do when I am, the best answer is to make it clear that you are interested then step back, if he reciprocates no doubt he will do something about it. There generally isn't a window of [must show interest here or it will never happen] so not having shown anything in the past doesn't mean you can't do so now and have him jump on board. If you want to take things slower than most girls would, tell him. ENTPs appreciate direct communication, a lot.
 

entropie

Permabanned
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Can I has short version of op please ?
 

spirilis

Senior Membrane
Joined
Jul 5, 2007
Messages
2,687
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INTP
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sp/sx
Can I has short version of op please ?

1. ENTP guy got dumped by some chick at a bad time, when he was ill (what a wretch)
2. ENTP totally has the hots for Ness
3. Ness is confused as to whether ENTP guy misses/wants to get back with the wretched ex but there's probably not much love lost anyway with what ENTP's ex did to him.
4. Ness is hesitant to reciprocate fully until she feels the situation's a slam dunk (IMO)
5. Ness might not fully understand *how* to reciprocate to this guy

Ready, set, GO!
 

entropie

Permabanned
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1. ENTP guy got dumped by some chick at a bad time, when he was ill (what a wretch)
2. ENTP totally has the hots for Ness
3. Ness is confused as to whether ENTP guy misses/wants to get back with the wretched ex but there's probably not much love lost anyway with what ENTP's ex did to him.
4. Ness is hesitant to reciprocate fully until she feels the situation's a slam dunk (IMO)
5. Ness might not fully understand *how* to reciprocate to this guy

Ready, set, GO!

Thanks, you are the best ! :D

Hmhmhm, difficult situation. I'ld say Ness hesistant approach is definitly a good thing. Most definitly both things are possible, namely him still thinking of the ex or him not thinking of the ex no more.

What I find startling is that the fiction if someone is dedicated to his girl fully or not could be type dependant. I mean we all have our history and with growing age this becomes more complex and sometimes problematic. I doubt that after the first time you fell in love you will ever be the same again. Still the situation here is a bit more grave and therefore I think being hesistant is in order. Trieing to build something new with the entp would be a good idea, creating a new relationship with him before you commit would be a good thing. If you too then have build something special for you two and he is still there, there is a huge chance. If he grows impatient and leaves you because he doesnt get to slam dunk then he aint over his ex yet / has other problems.
 

CzeCze

RETIRED
Joined
Sep 11, 2007
Messages
8,975
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GONE
I'd proceed with caution and eyes wide open. Stop circling around each other and once you actually have your first date and hit it of, ask him point blank about his ex. It's your right to know what you're getting into.

The red flags for me are that 1) he's broken up and gotten together with her before 2) she's the one who dumped him this time 3) all of his friends are on their 'team'

However, until you get his side of the story, it's all conjecture.

Getting caught up in someone's else's messy on again/off again situation sounds gross. Blech.

If he's a stand up guy and he truly does like you, he'll make sure that situation is totally over and cleaned up before proceeding with you.
 

Istbkleta

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Jun 11, 2011
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so/sx
[MENTION=585]spirilis[/MENTION]

God bless you!

1. I read a study showing INFJs as the MOST risk averse of ALL types (including ISTJs, etc.) investors.

She is over-thinking it as I guess INFJs do with most everything, esp. ppl-related.


Think of the worst-case realistic scenario (not sci-fi pls). Accept it and get over it.
Then close your eyes and go for it.

If you feel you can't get over the worst-case, don't do it. Problem is assessing what's realistic for Ni-Fe-Ti.

It's like getting into the pool on a hot day - you can drag it out or just close your eyes and jump.
 
S

Society

Guest
Hay ENTP's

So here's a thing for you about Ex's

talk about a huge source of confusions....

to answer your question: if i came to believe i learned how to make things play out differently and overcome the problems that where there and that our connection would be able to regrow organically, i would go back to my ex in a heartbeat (fortunately to anyone who'd get involved with me, i am not there yet, and i am pretty sure my exwife hates my guts). but that doesn't mean the same applies to your ENTP - who made the decision to leave, him or her?

now let's get this out of the way: i don't know if this applies to you but i know from my ex and from other forums that it is extremely common for INFJs to doorslam those who have hurt them... your ENTP isn't likely to ever do that to his ex. not know, probably not if you get together, probably not if you two get married and have children. they will probably drift apart if you play your cards right, but he's not going to doorslam her. you might judge her negatively for hurting him, but when his thinking about the pain she caused him its most likely along the lines of "thank you for the lessons and experiences that enriched my life dear", and closing off options is not something that will ever make sense to him. in short: anything you do, you will have to do it while she's in his life.

now... unless your really good at it (and your saying your not), stop with the signals games. learn from another INFJ who got her ENTP right where she wanted him (well, me): my exwife who i was somewhat interested in at the time, obsessively tried to kill me in a roleplaying game, and when i asked her why is she trying to mentally kill me, she told me that if she won't kill me she'll have to glomp me. you'd think that would be enough, but no, it was barely an echo in my head asking "what is she trying to say? so is she flirting with me? am i out of the loop on a joke? and what is glomp?". she ended up admitting to me that she wants and has being thinking about me sexually and has being... the point is she's an INFJ who saw an ENTP she liked and she got what she wanted.

so put your Ni aside, i know that telling you to not think about the future is pointless but for now don't communicate it, instead just communicate what you want now: him.
no romance, nothing that make him consider that having you would be choosing you over his ex, just that you like him and want him, preferably with less clothes.
and after sex, talk about something interesting, an idea, a thought, throw some Ni seeds around until one catches on to an awesome brainstorm.

lock your inferior Si-Se tails and dominant Ni-Ne eyes onto the resulting physical & intellectual chemistry like there's no tomorrow... except, you know its probably going to be about tomorrow, because that's sort of how intuition works, so maybe work it like there's no yesterday. you get what i am saying, now go get him - shake those functions girl! let's have an INFJ/ENTP relationship that makes it damn it!
 

funkadelik

good hair
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Jan 10, 2011
Messages
1,614
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lmao
Ness, come back! Read our advice! Tell us what happened!
 
S

Society

Guest
Ness, come back! Read our advice! Tell us what happened!

argh i didn't even think to look at the dates - join date 25 of jan, last activity 26th of jan...

i think she was a one day poster. we lost her and will never find out what happens.
 

BlackCat

Shaman
Joined
Nov 19, 2008
Messages
7,038
MBTI Type
ESFP
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sx/sp
I guess he still loves her or at least holds a great deal of affection, this is normal and Im fine with that it fades with time. Also I guess he's misses her, i miss my ex he was best friend.:cry:

I want to ask, how do you know any of this? Not just the quote, but in pretty much anything you've inferred. How many times have you seen him interact with said ex? It sounds like there hasn't been much affection between them whatsoever and that he's just doing this to try to get along in the group since his ex is apart of that. Maybe they're still "friends", sure, but if she left him during a very difficult time why do you think he would get back with her? It sounds like you're paranoid because you like him a lot.

If he wanted to get back with her THAT badly I'm sure he would have already done that by now; and it would have nothing to do with how they interact in a group. Everything you've said basically tells me that anyone who is somewhat sane wouldn't get back with her. If she left him during a really hard time then she may do it again. That could be either way... she could have left either because things legitimately weren't working out and the time was inconvenient or she just didn't want to deal with whatever the hard time was and I suppose took the selfish route and it wasn't meant to be. What a bunch of friends think doesn't matter... it's how you feel about him and the potential that matters.
 

Ness

New member
Joined
Jan 25, 2012
Messages
27
MBTI Type
INFJ
Ahh I'm back! Thank you so much for your advise and replies it's all great. I never intended to be a one time poster I just got really consumed by this was all over the place looking answers.

The update is: I let string out for ages, to frightened to make a move. he carried on showing an interest, the ex became more and more present on the social scene. I got completely immobilized by the situation and barley spoke to him.

He just in the last two weeks gave up some of the interest. Some how we have had an email correspondence going for a while.
It started with him apologising for debating me to hard as he thought he had offended me. it had xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx at the end :D

From there and my reply he started to psychoanalyze, and insisted I was insecure! I am not! he insisted "me and you were both have issues" "we are both by nature complicated people" and giving me all this advise and knowledge. So I wrote him a full psyco profile of myself and complete explanation and pointed out several times he was wrong. his reply was "I want to read this but I'm really busy right now I have 5 essays to do, I understand you don't want to be seen as insecure xxxxxxxxxx" Fair enough that's true he is busy.

Then I just felt like I had exposed myself so much why not just tell him how I feel. So I wrote him message told him i really liked him, think his amazing for getting through every thing and that I'm pretty impressed and bowled over. Explained my confusion and why I didn't really show any interest. Told him everybody was telling me he was getting back with his ex and so forth, the lot. I haven't had a reply but then specifically didn't ask for one. I just want to see happens when I see him.


So I guess I'm hoping that I haven't missed my window of opportunity or made my self look to insane

That's it.
 
R

Riva

Guest
You did the right thing I believe. It was the perfect opportunity to confess your feelings :).

Now he has to choose. He can't continue to just flirt around with you and keep such close contact with his EX.

Good luck with everything. And do keep us updated :).
 
S

Society

Guest
rooting for you [MENTION=15107]Ness[/MENTION] !
hope you'll both get what you want out of it.
 

Ness

New member
Joined
Jan 25, 2012
Messages
27
MBTI Type
INFJ
I have a bad feeling, it's all gone wrong. He's insisting that I'm insecure and said he can't read any more of my messages. I don't even know if he's bothered reading the one in about me telling him I really liked him :(
 
S

Society

Guest
I have a bad feeling, it's all gone wrong. He's insisting that I'm insecure and said he can't read any more of my messages. I don't even know if he's bothered reading the one in about me telling him I really liked him :(

..use a different medium.
 
A

A window to the soul

Guest
I have a bad feeling, it's all gone wrong. He's insisting that I'm insecure and said he can't read any more of my messages. I don't even know if he's bothered reading the one in about me telling him I really liked him :(

There are over 3-billion men in the world, why do you want this specific man? He insulted you and he's clearly not feeling a special attraction for you.

Consider this: ENTP males want to pursue. But you've robbed him of that with your neediness. And by needy I mean all of your candid explanations defending yourself (that you're not insecure) and explaining how you feel about him, ugh, don't do that. He doesn't deserve it and he knows it. Your behavior is so common and boring, and that's why he sees you as insecure. It doesn't matter what you say in your messages. Frankly, I wouldn't read them either because your actions prove you *are* insecure. (Surely you have experienced needy men that do that. Try to put yourself in his shoes. How would you feel reading those same messages if he sent them to you?)

Being direct with your ENTP (the way you did in writing) is a good thing when you're on a date and the feelings are mutual. But you're not there yet!

The only appropriate response to an ENTP that calls you "insecure" (when you didn't deserve it) is a short & sweet (non-emo) response:
-laugh- "I don't think you can handle me." -confidently walk away-
Something like that will make an ENTP curious to get to know the *real* you. Let your actions prove how secure you really are; agree with him that you're not a match and walk away from disrespect.
 

Ness

New member
Joined
Jan 25, 2012
Messages
27
MBTI Type
INFJ
Ahh I see what you mean, your but you’ve misunderstood.

He suffers from social anxiety which he interprets as being insecure.
He’s noticed my behaviour is different, I am the only introvert in a the gang bar and ISFP that’s takes a lot of drugs and gets pretty wild

He’s also noticed I’m nervous around him and that I’m often fairly reflective and quiet, he’s put two and two together and got 25. He’s interpreted that as me having social and anxiety, thus I must be insecure. I also ‘get him’ something we have sort of discussed and so he assumes we must be the same.

All I did was send and email, explaining introversion and anaemia (im often on the vrge of fainting without mdication) with web links.

I explained somewhat how my introversion effects me and a few things I prove that I’m not insecure, such as my awesomeness, beyond that he can think what he likes I wont ram a point, I don’t need to.

He’s done all the chasing; I’m a couple of years older than him and FAR from needy in person.

I think Iv blown it because I think I left it to long to confess, and also he may not read the confession email as he has to Finnish off a massive thesis in literature, which requires a lot of reading. That’s why he can’t read any more of my messages, brain fry.
I’m worried he’s missed out the juicy one thinking it was more argumentative psychobabble, which is of course I understand low on his priority list of reading.

The confession and the insecure debate were done separately.

I live with his best friend I told her everything last night, I keep a lot in I never tell anyone anything. She thinks he’s pushing my buttons for a reaction and has no explaination as to why he's taken to me the way that he has other than he mut of had/has the hots for me.

Bottom line is I hope I havn’t left it too late maybe he moved on he got no signals from me what so ever. People I have now told are shocked, they had no idea I was into him.
 
S

Society

Guest
[MENTION=15107]Ness[/MENTION] i'm going to say this one more time: my ex-INFJ pretty much admitted to me she's being masturbating about me - its how we started.

so do that and he's yours!

...also you may want a prenup.
 

Ness

New member
Joined
Jan 25, 2012
Messages
27
MBTI Type
INFJ
[MENTION=15291]Mane[/MENTION] I read the reply the morning, he apolagised for flirting, he's not interested Im friend zoned :) end of story
 
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