[MBTI General] Mindmates: What's the point anyway?

[Neutralpov]

Having read the mindmates thread on INTPcentral and this thread http://http://www.typologycentral.com/forums/nt-private-forum/11053-mindmates-how-far-will-you-go.html in the private forum I am left with questions more than answers

What is the point of meeting a mindmate anyway?
Is there a biological or sociological reason for this phenomenon?
What is the reason many people experience this connection and do not end up marrying the mindmate?
What spiritual implication is there (if any)? Does this show some cosmic design or human need/theory?
Those who married someone who was not a mindmate do you find this frustrating or would you change that if you could go back??? (seemed like the NTs with SJs regretted their choice of partner in the threads)

Anyway in my experience I have come across one (likely INTP) mindmate in the past and it was quite a disappointment to lose. So it has left me more existential than ever and pondering the point of this fleeting connection (as I would want to marry a mindmate after the experience but have no control over it being so)? Also how biologically can this be? Perhaps I should look at psychology instead but I digress... thoughts, opinions, comments and musings welcome.

- NeutralPOV, Formerly HeatherC

 

[Rasofy]

I'm gonna answer with my point of views.

What is the point of meeting a mindmate anyway?

I need a person whom I can intelectually connect with. A person that can understand my jokes without me having to explain them step by step. Also capable of thinking for herself, instead of just blindly following her social programming .That's the kind of person I want to have conversations with. Otherwise I will likely think her opinions aren't as good as mine and I won't be able to take her very seriously.

Is there a biological or sociological reason for this phenomenon?

The desire to connect with other people is common, but my primary focus is the intellectual level. Intelligence has a lot of biological/sociological purposes. To force a biological explanation, I speculate that mating with a super hot girl can generate a offspring with better genes, but if this girl is dumb, the offspring chances to succeed are lowered. Otoh, when you mate with an intelligent girl, the offspring chances improve, since she's likely gonna be a better provider.

What is the reason many people experience this connection and do not end up marrying the mindmate?

Possible explanations:
1- The physical attraction isn't enough.
2- We can be so similar to the point that our flaws don't get balanced out (and just get more evident).

What spiritual implication is there (if any)? Does this show some cosmic design or human need/theory?

The human need to feel understood, I suppose. But I think it is harder for NTs, as we tend to require much more than looks and good will.

Those who married someone who was not a mindmate do you find this frustrating or would you change that if you could go back??? (seemed like the NTs with SJs regretted their choice of partner in the threads)

No. Tried to date an XSTJ girl once, but we were way too different and things stalled.

Anyway in my experience I have come across one (likely INTP) mindmate in the past and it was quite a disappointment to lose.

What happened?

 

[Priori]

Hi Neutral,

I normally prefer not to post in the NT section, because these people are sharks who attack at the slightest smell of blood ( typos, bad grammar, logical fallacies) but will give this a shot.

I have had intense, intimate and profound romantic connections with non NTs but I would not classify them as a mindmate. I am not certain it would be possible for a non NT to be what I internally define as a mindmate.

However, I think the concecpt is a subjective one and my thoughts and feelings on what a mindmate is for me does not mean that you and your INTP are not mindmates.

For me a mindmate isnt necessarily a romantic relationship and infact most of the people who've fallen into that category for me have been other hetero men.

While it certainly is a special relationship I'm am not particularly emotionionally close to the friend who I consider my strongest mindmate. We share very little of our personal lives and our communication is almost exclusively about the projects we share.

Unless a conversation between us is specificly for the benifit of a third party, outsiders are unlikely to follow what we are talking about. NWe don't have to finish full sentences and the topic can change mid sentence as we both make the same intuitive jump at the same time. I can imagine the new topic must seem completely unrelated to the previous vein of conversation to any listeners.

Its like two computers splitting the computing processes on a complicated problem. With a mindmate I know exactly how his or her thought process would go given a specific event, but not really how they might feel about it. With my soulmate i understand exactly how she would feel about a given event and why...but I'd give my left leg to know exactly how her internal dialogue played out.

I've had non-NT friends, family and lovers take a mild interest in one of my projects before, but the motivation for that interest is usually their relationship with me. To me a mindmate is someone who shares many of my academic interests independent of our relationship, and then habitually and independently develops almost identical pet theories etc. This would be somebody I could show my INTP files ( you other INTPs know what I'm talking about) to without having to explain them.

The point of a mindmate, for me at least, would be to have someone to share my theories and research with and validate the work I do.

Could I fall in love with woman who turned out to be a mindmate? Certainly. Is one a requirement for the other? Not at all. I fell in love with an ENFJ who I consider to be as intelligent as myself. If she was inclined to, she could develop the same (or better) expertise in my fields of interest. But she isn't inclined to, and that's ok with me.

Yes, in my experience NTs and SJ relationships are extremely difficult to maintain over the long run. Communication isn't easy.

I'd really like to hear more about your fleeting connection with the likely INTP and why you feel he was a mindmate

 

[Priori]

I have no idea why my phone added all those asterisks but its too much of a PITA to edit them out. I will fix the post when I get home.

 

[funkadelik]

What is the point of meeting a mindmate anyway?
Is there a biological or sociological reason for this phenomenon?
What is the reason many people experience this connection and do not end up marrying the mindmate?
What spiritual implication is there (if any)? Does this show some cosmic design or human need/theory?
Those who married someone who was not a mindmate do you find this frustrating or would you change that if you could go back??? (seemed like the NTs with SJs regretted their choice of partner in the threads)

I guess I'm a little confused on what kind of information you want here. I'd say desiring a mind-mate is as simple as desiring someone who understands you in a very fundamental way (even if you are into totally different things). I feel like that's a very basic human want.

A mind-mate, to me, is someone with whom I could talk with until we're old and gray and not get bored. I mean, [MENTION=13260]Rasofy[/MENTION] said it, many NTs feel that they require more than just good looks and a kind heart to last in the long run. Though it is essential (for me) that there be some kind of physical attraction and that I get a sense of humanitarianism from the guy in question (completely immature assholes are no fun to be with, no matter how much we "connect" in an intellectual way).

Mind mates don't necessarily mean there will be sexual attraction (since, like I just said, other factors are involved), but it drastically ups the chances that romantic attachment will evolve.

And as per the SJ comment, I'm not sure how much I agree. I'm currently very good friends with an ISFJ and we get along great. We are VERY different, which is interesting, but there's a kind of vein of similarity that we share that keeps us from hating how different we are from each other. However, that's just a friendship. A romantic relationship would probably be very different.

 

[Redbone]

What is the point of meeting a mindmate anyway?

For myself, I need the mental connection. I need it and when it's not there, something vital is missing in the relationship. Mental intimacy? *ponders*

Is there a biological or sociological reason for this phenomenon?

I think all humans value some type of intimacy. Physical, emotional, and the rare mental one.

What is the reason many people experience this connection and do not end up marrying the mindmate?

All kinds of reasons. Hard to say since it depends on the individuals involved.

What spiritual implication is there (if any)? Does this show some cosmic design or human need/theory?

See above about intimacy.

Those who married someone who was not a mindmate do you find this frustrating or would you change that if you could go back??? (seemed like the NTs with SJs regretted their choice of partner in the threads)

Ye gods and goddesses YES! But I just took it as a "one of those things" when I was married and made adjustments. LTR with another one? Not for me. Or I should say with an XSFJ. ( Not sure how things would be with an XSTJ. ) The gap is too wide and the communication issues are...I don't have words for it (see? perfect example!). Friendship is a totally different thing.

 

[Neutralpov]

huh

thanks for the replies! I am back after Christmas weekend simmering on them.

I've had non-NT friends, family and lovers take a mild interest in one of my projects before, but the motivation for that interest is usually their relationship with me. To me a mindmate is someone who shares many of my academic interests independent of our relationship, and then habitually and independently develops almost identical pet theories etc. * *This would be somebody I could show my INTP files ( you other INTPs know what I'm talking about) to without having to explain them.*

I think the combined responses are pulling my thoughts all together and showing me the blind spots in my understanding. My one experience with a mindmate was in a romantic setting. I don't classify my connections with other graduate students as mindmates even though they are similar to what you describe on only an academic plane and very rewarding and energizing. They did not have that violent draw, spark, lighting, pull, mystery that I can't put a finger on.

I think I put that together with Rasofry and allegorystory to find what I was missing in my perspective.

when you mate with an intelligent girl, the offspring chances improve, since she's likely gonna be a better provider.

Possible explanations:
1- The physical attraction isn't enough.
2- We can be so similar to the point that our flaws don't get balanced out (and just get more evident).

I guess what I wanted to know is the formula and I can piece it together from the answers and experiences and understand how I can predict or control making the best choice in response to my life circumstances regarding mindmates. Seems like there is information on all the other mysterious things, love, spiritual phenomena, etc etc. but I am now wanting to delve into this topic and drink it dry but can't. From what I see reading myself the reality I need to re-digest is I can't control my life. (grumble) I may marry a non-mindmate and it is the other factors that weigh equal when the chemistry intoxication wears off of a romantic mindmate (like the similarity Rasofry mentioned! What a novel perspective.)

As for my story INTP mindmate met me whilst engaged and is now married. I no longer see him as I got promoted to a new floor of the university. That case is out of the picture but I had never met a mindmate before and I am almost 28. Seems like others met more than one or met one at a younger age.

I now wonder if I was settling for less in past with soulmate romantic relationships and want a mindmate romantically after the experience. Kinda like being in love I guess and after you have it nothing synthetic is appealing anymore. Unfortunately how can I ensure a romantic mindmate...? Here was my posting mindframe I now see. I can't control this but I can create a way to make the best decisions through what knowledge on the subject I can find.

Another factor I see is that woman get the “soulmate sharing” from girl friends so that could be a gender issue. Also personally the sx variant is too much for me emotionally but intellectually I love sx instinct!

I guess what I can’t control I pursue until I fully understand; delve into it but there really is limited information here other than people’s experiences and the books I have read on typology. Perhaps I want more questions and perspectives to think on this topic. Mindmate connections could easily not exist... Perhaps now I should move more to the point of the human connection distinctions and reasons for the wiring of these human connections in a broader context to satisfice things. I have a weird thought of seeing a brain scan of a mindmate experience happening..

/On that note goodnight

Edit: My Christian friends use intelligent design as an explanation also. Saying we are made in God's image or that this is evidence of God. I wanted to explore something spiritual even though I looked toward biological explanation out of habit.

For the record my parents are an SJ/SJ marriage and it worries me intellectually. I have to look to other NT/NF marriages for reassurance even though my parents are happy I just cringe at the SJ marriage.

 

[htb]

I prefer I&Q to T&A. I just do.

 

[Totenkindly]

For the record my parents are an SJ/SJ marriage and it worries me intellectually. I have to look to other NT/NF marriages for reassurance even though my parents are happy I just cringe at the SJ marriage.

Yes, I've known SJ/SJ marriages that were very strong but I wouldn't feel comfortable in them. The roles tend to be very defined.

My ex was also SJ, and for a long long time I never felt loved for me -- I felt like I was just a role in the relationship, and everything was about performing your function. I needed something more raw and organic in the interaction, and feeling loved for who I was rather than what role i performed.

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

My understanding and experience with the idea of mindmate is that it is someone you can communicate with deeply and efficiently. There isn't that added baggage of having to explain everything. I'm especially lucky to live with someone so intelligent to challenge my thinking. I couldn't say I can fulfill every aspect of matching his thinking and we have extremely different areas of expertise, but it feels like a relief when he gets what I'm saying or vice versa immediately with just the concept and not extensive details and definitions.

It's the person with whom you don't quibble over the petty aspects of communication. Getting each others jokes even when vague, knowing easily how the other person thinks, and feeling energized by communicating with the person would all be aspects of a close mind connection. A mindmate is the person you don't have discussions come down to semantics and definitions of words. All of that is taken care of through similar enough thought patterns and a deep enough trust that you can just revel in the ideas and not feel bogged down with nitpicky confusion.

It's kind of fascinating because I have family members who I admire and trust and have certain kinds of close connections to, but who are definitely not mind-mates. The fundamental way our minds work create dissonance which even results in having to avoid discussing certain ideas because it is not possible to get a similar resonance frequency so to speak.

 

[FunnyDigestion]

I've never heard of a mindmate. What would I do if I found one, probably take it to go bowling

 

[Anew Leaf]

I'm not an NT but what [MENTION=13260]Rasofy[/MENTION] said, resonates for me as well. I want someone who, after 60 years of marriage, will still be learning for the sake of learning and where we can still discuss hundreds of topics together.

 

[CrystalViolet]

Really isn't that what every one wants? Some one you can shoot the breeze with, and talk crap for hours on end? Intellectual crap to be sure....NT/NF alliances I've had have had this dynamic. Not always romantic...but intense, and stimulating.

 

[Neutralpov]

I think that mindmates also get mixed up with the concept of anima

 

[ceecee]

Really isn't that what every one wants? Some one you can shoot the breeze with, and talk crap for hours on end? Intellectual crap to be sure....NT/NF alliances I've had have had this dynamic. Not always romantic...but intense, and stimulating.

Yes. Very stimulating.

 

[JAVO]

What is the point of meeting a mindmate anyway?

As an sx who has had a mindmate, I think you already know.

Mindmates are much better sought and experienced.