[INTP] INTP Looking For advice on a new start

[human101]

hello all, Im 19 years old i turn 20 tomorrow and basically the last 10 yrs of my life have left me with no confidence, no friends and nothing to really look foward to in life. Im not depressed or anything but I can't carry on like this. I was bullied throughout high school although never physically, even girls used to participate. Im in first year of university studying philosophy, just finished the first semester and I haven't made one friend and again i seem to be a target for verbal jibes.

I know there is no overnight solution and I have no anger or contempt towards the outside world or the people who bullied me, if the same patterns keep repeating in my life the problem must largely be down to me, but I don't know where to start exactly.

So essentially im asking how does one let go of the past and look to build self-esteem and confidence if those things have been an non-entity in your life. Does confidence start internally or do you need some sort of external validation first?
If any NTs or anyone felt like this at my age how did you move on?

Thanks

 

[amthcaictm]

okay excuse the poor typing I'm talking on this magic talk box via my phone. I think you have to begin by understanding that it's okay to feel annoyed and angry. we live in a world rather unfair to us. we are constantly asked to adapt to complex social environments that make no sense are unrewarding. and highly intolerant. it is unfair that this world is one where your uniqueness often goes unappreciated.

you need to identify people that think like you or who have the tolerance or curiosity to enjoy people that think like you and then to try to befriend them. it's really hard for us because. a that pop is smalland b. because we suck at soc interaction. but those people exist and are waiting for you in their shy or frustrated corner. it my experience that things get better as you have the time and freedom to create your own community of like minded indiv. your circle will be small but made up of ppeople that you enjoy. myers briggs is great for identifying the population that's waiting for you. good luck from from an old lady

 

[amthcaictm]

PS. I wish I had you grace and level headedness at 19--- I was just royally pissed. wishing you fabulous things....

 

[luismas]

Human 101,

Before I suggest anything, may I ask you this?

- Where does your desire for friendship come from? It may seem like a pointless question, but one should be honest here. What do crave for? Emotional assurance? Conversation on common interests? Sidekicks, admiration, external validation? Simple company to ease loneliness?

- Why do you think others (as a whole) reject you? Do they find your appearance or behaviours odd? Are you at a loss on how to fit into their 'culture' ?

- Have you managed to connect with someone in university? Fellow students, teachers, anyone else? Do you like your schoolwork? Having second guesses?

- Are you content with your occupations, part-time job, hobbies? Do you feel you indulge in those, instead of going ahead with your decisions and plans?

- Is there something or someone around you that keeps bringing up bad memories? Places? A family member?

 

[think2much]

hello all, Im 19 years old i turn 20 tomorrow and basically the last 10 yrs of my life have left me with no confidence, no friends and nothing to really look foward to in life. Im not depressed or anything but I can't carry on like this. I was bullied throughout high school although never physically, even girls used to participate. Im in first year of university studying philosophy, just finished the first semester and I haven't made one friend and again i seem to be a target for verbal jibes.

I know there is no overnight solution and I have no anger or contempt towards the outside world or the people who bullied me, if the same patterns keep repeating in my life the problem must largely be down to me, but I don't know where to start exactly.

So essentially im asking how does one let go of the past and look to build self-esteem and confidence if those things have been an non-entity in your life. Does confidence start internally or do you need some sort of external validation first?
If any NTs or anyone felt like this at my age how did you move on?

Thanks

I can't speak for anyone eles but life doesn't get any better. 20 is still young. I'm almost in my mid 20s and how I feel about people and the world gotten worse.

If you ever had friends, you already know not to trust people. That never change, I used to think people would grow up or mature but they don't.

You can do what I did which was talking to random girls/people and trying to make friends but at the end of the day you'll feel more isolated. Spending time with people made me feel more lonely cause I never had that mental connection. Even if I did enjoy someone's company that person never felt the same way about me.

I never really moved on from my past experiences, in fact I still dream about it. I tend to worry about things that don't matter in life.

To work on self-esteem/confidence write down the things that makes you feel insecure and work on that.

just like everyone eles I know my insecurties but I'm having hard time taking action. I don't think I can fix my problems though.

You should work on appearance, people are extremely shallow. Even those who say they aren't superficial.

 

[Beargryllz]

I know there is no overnight solution and I have no anger or contempt towards the outside world or the people who bullied me, if the same patterns keep repeating in my life the problem must largely be down to me, but I don't know where to start exactly.

Start getting PISSED

People have transgressed against you and this should anger you a lot. Apathy is the key to stagnation and the surest way to lead any life to ruin and misery

 

[human101]

Human 101,

Before I suggest anything, may I ask you this?

- Where does your desire for friendship come from? It may seem like a pointless question, but one should be honest here. What do crave for? Emotional assurance? Conversation on common interests? Sidekicks, admiration, external validation? Simple company to ease loneliness?
I think everyone craves for a bit of all these things don't they ?, but even simple company doesn't seem to be within my grasp. I think i've been so starved of external validation that when a stranger innocently smiles at me in public I replay it in my head repeatedly because it feels like some sort of validation.

- Why do you think others (as a whole) reject you? Do they find your appearance or behaviours odd? Are you at a loss on how to fit into their 'culture' ?
I don't know, I struggle to find common ground with people, I feel like I have to play a role to get along with people. Im tall, skinny and wear glasses but my appearance doesn't seem to be the problem. In terms of behaviour maybe people find my natural quietness to be a sign of arrogance ?

- Have you managed to connect with someone in university? Fellow students, teachers, anyone else? Do you like your schoolwork? Having second guesses?
I haven't it's only the first semester but I do like the course?

- Are you content with your occupations, part-time job, hobbies? Do you feel you indulge in those, instead of going ahead with your decisions and plans?

- Is there something or someone around you that keeps bringing up bad memories? Places? A family member?

Just being around people everyday and coming from an inner city area reminds me of how isolated I am.

 

[human101]

I think being a loner at uni already gives me the creep vibe. So walking up to random people and girls seems unrealistic.

 

[human101]

Start getting PISSED

People have transgressed against you and this should anger you a lot. Apathy is the key to stagnation and the surest way to lead any life to ruin and misery

Im apathetic socially after years of rejection but im able to motivate myself for uni and other solitary hobbies.

 

[Usehername]

I think you need to find a niche and concentrate on getting some wins in some area of your life. Do you have any interests or skills? Rubik's cube? music? religion? board games? etc. Look for both formal clubs and more spontaneous hangouts. Smiling and a compliment on people's shoes/backpack/shirt go a long way to making the other person comfortable in your presence. Just ask to hang out. Uni is not like high school, people are more mature and will treat you with respect.

If you're at university and you make an effort you'll be able to find some place where you fit in to a degree. Then you should concentrate on using your shared interest as a way of figuring out how to relax, chat and joke around with people. Find a network of people who are reliable and who you respect, because everyone needs this support system to feel confident. You don't have to be friend-soulmates. Just find a network of people you respect and have a shared interest with.

If you spend next semester doing that, you should feel some momentum of confidence. You can always level up your friends later (not in the sense that you're superior to them, but in the sense of finding the people who most mesh with your idea of your ideal friend.)

 

[luismas]

human 101,

How do you fare with your family? Or used to? What are your hobbies, by the way?

 

[human101]

human 101,

How do you fare with your family? Or used to? What are your hobbies, by the way?

My relationship with my mum used to be volatile, but it's now one of respectful indifference. I've never lived with my dad or much older siblings so don't really have a relationship with them. I make electronic music as a hobby and write.

 

[ygolo]

human101, making friends can be difficult at times. I found that at university, study groups were one way to make new friends. Intramural sports are another good way. Also, any clubs and activities will help.

Just sharing an activity with someone creates a common reference point with that person. You can use that to then talk about a lot of different things.

Philosophy is an interesting major, and almost everyone is an armchair philosopher. Just be confident that there will be people who find the subject matter interesting.

Ask people next term if you could study or do homework with them. If you stick with a particular major, you are likely to see the same people over and over again. Everyone has to do homework and study, and many people are better doing that in a group. It is almost no extra effort, and I find that it is rare for people to refuse getting together for a study group (especially if you have a handful of people).

 

[luismas]

My relationship with my mum used to be volatile, but it's now one of respectful indifference. I've never lived with my dad or much older siblings so don't really have a relationship with them. I make electronic music as a hobby and write.

In line with what ygolo pointed out, you should by all means pursue joint activities. Do you have any group research or presentations in your classes? Then take the opportunity to get to know your colleagues. Is classroom teaching interactive? Then participate, and let your teachers and classmates know that you have a deep and lively interest, that helps with becoming a reference to others. Any clubs, fraternities around campus? Choose the most interesting one and try it out; people there should not be keen on driving you away, far from it. I urge you to do this, being in university without any kind of social life will not help your future, neither socially nor professionally. Don't be afraid, we're here for ya