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[INTP] never putting my guard down again

think2much

New member
Joined
Sep 30, 2009
Messages
239
MBTI Type
intp
I know I told you guys I won't make any more depressing threads but I'm emotionally wrecked at this moment. I can't even keep my own words, a simple task to not post shitty threads online. I have no self-respect of myself.

I have major trust issues so I always had my guard up cause everytime I let someone in my life they destroy it. I decided to open up to someone again but got crushed.

If you have read my previous posts I have other issues going in my life. My self-destruction behavior doesn't work well with socializing. I'm giving up trying to open with people. I know most of you will say "you might miss a chance of meeting someone great". I don't believe that anymore, I dont believe in love. The only reason they would deal with me is because they want something from me. There's no decent being in this world. fuck I care about anyone

I don't think people really change, I will always be lazy, uncaring, apathetic, depressed, cynical but most importantly how I view this world and my outlook in life will never change no matter how much I try.

This was what I was dealt in life, life isn't fair. Some are born without a leg an arm. Some are born with a disease. Not everyone is blessed with good balanced brain. Since I couldn't change, in last couple months I try to figure out a way how to deal with these pain. I finally came to term that I can't deal with this pain.

Why do I even stay alive? do I contribute anything to the society? do I even want to? no.... I'm just a leech in the system.

The forum is very buggy and I wanted to throw my laptop out of the window. I read my thread and it's fucking sad how shitty my grammer is but I'm too fucking lazy to learn or change it.
 

Tiger Owl

Active member
Joined
Sep 10, 2011
Messages
1,194
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
584
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
Your grammar doesn't look too bad from here.
 

Coriolis

Si vis pacem, para bellum
Staff member
Joined
Apr 18, 2010
Messages
27,230
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
5w6
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
@ OP: so, if you have decided that being social is not for you, what DO you want to do?
 

Tyrinth

...
Joined
Nov 17, 2011
Messages
1,154
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
649
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
@ OP
I actually know how you feel, I have gone through similar times in my life unfortunately.

The fortunate thing, if you can manage to see it that way (I know it can be difficult), is that after a while you will start to notice things in your interaction with people which kind of hint at their intentions so you are less likely to be hurt in the same way again.

I used to think I couldn't change either, but it is possible, and even if you aren't ready to change, the traits you listed don't have to dominate who you are.

Life has it's ups and downs, there is no doubt about that, just keep going and things will get better.

I don't know if any of this will be helpful for you, but this knowledge helps me from time to time...
 

think2much

New member
Joined
Sep 30, 2009
Messages
239
MBTI Type
intp
@ OP: so, if you have decided that being social is not for you, what DO you want to do?
nothing, I have no ambitions.
@ OP
I actually know how you feel, I have gone through similar times in my life unfortunately.

The fortunate thing, if you can manage to see it that way (I know it can be difficult), is that after a while you will start to notice things in your interaction with people which kind of hint at their intentions so you are less likely to be hurt in the same way again.

I used to think I couldn't change either, but it is possible, and even if you aren't ready to change, the traits you listed don't have to dominate who you are.

Life has it's ups and downs, there is no doubt about that, just keep going and things will get better.

I don't know if any of this will be helpful for you, but this knowledge helps me from time to time...

I think everyone is laughing at me cause I'm so socially retarded. That's one of the reasons why I don't want to talk to anyone.

If they're laughing cause I'm "funny", I'm more like a monkey who entertains them. I'm annoying to most people too

Yes, why?

If there is no way for you to be happy in life, the reasonable choice is to end it.

love: I can't wreck my family's lives. Although I'm a terrible son and destroy any good relationship I have with family.
 

AphroditeGoneAwry

failure to thrive
Joined
Feb 20, 2009
Messages
5,585
MBTI Type
INfj
Enneagram
451
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
I'm sorry you are feeling bad. You don't sound socially retarded on here. Why do you say that?

Do people say you are funny? Making people laugh is a gift not many possess...
 

think2much

New member
Joined
Sep 30, 2009
Messages
239
MBTI Type
intp
I'm sorry you are feeling bad. You don't sound socially retarded on here. Why do you say that?

Do people say you are funny? Making people laugh is a gift not many possess...

people are laughing cause I"m socially retared. I'm a joke to them.

I'm in skype talking to couple guys I met online... they're private messageing each other about me and talking on mic saying "can you imagine, being that way" like I wouldn't know they were talking about me.

edit: right after I said something. I hate it when people do this in person. I remember at work they were talking about one of the "female co-worker" in front of me. Assuming I wouldn't notice that they were talking about me. people make it seem so obvious or they're stupid cause I'm aware of what they're doing.

edit: oh jeez, they left me out of the group lol. douchebags
 

21%

You have a choice!
Joined
May 15, 2009
Messages
3,224
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
4w5
I don't think you should be trying to change how you view the world. I think you should be looking deeper into yourself to find what the real issues are. Sorry I can't offer any advice, but only you know how to help you :hug:
 

Saslou

New member
Joined
Feb 1, 2009
Messages
4,910
MBTI Type
ESFJ
Hi.

I don't even know where to start and i'm not usually lost for words so have a :hug:

OK ..
I don't think people really change, I will always be lazy, uncaring, apathetic, depressed, cynical but most importantly how I view this world and my outlook in life will never change no matter how much I try.

If you consider yourself the above then how can you be anything else. At no point in your OP did you tell us any of the positive qualities you possess and i am sure there are some.

Things do change and you will notice it when life gives you a kick out the backside. If you don't take heed then the lesson wil continue again and again until you do.

You mind seems very black and white at the moment. If you appreciate the colour around you then hopefully you'll stop being hard on yourself.

Oh, and i've said some of the comments you've mentioned in the OP, and it does change, i promise.

If you ever want to chat then please feel free to PM me (don't want to put too much on here) The offer is there ;)
 

think2much

New member
Joined
Sep 30, 2009
Messages
239
MBTI Type
intp
Be a better son, strengthen your family relations. Where is the problem?

I don't ever keep in contact with some of them. Never help around the house, never listen, never going to stupid family union. It's hard to maintain any type of relationship for me even my own family. I wish I could do more but my laziness and immaturity won't let me.
 

Nicodemus

New member
Joined
Aug 2, 2010
Messages
9,756
I don't ever keep in contact with some of them. Never help around the house, never listen, never going to stupid family union. It's hard to maintain any type of relationship for me even my own family. I wish I could do more but my laziness and immaturity won't let me.
What do you do in situations in which you decide that you are too lazy and inept to do something that you initially wished to do? How do you waste your time?
 

KDude

New member
Joined
Jan 26, 2010
Messages
8,243
You care about other people too much. Stop doing that, and you'll probably be better off.

And ironically, more comfortable with problems with people when they come up. And in turn, better relationships.

The first thing to do though is stop crucifying yourself by a bunch of standards that aren't even your own. You even start the thread already defeating yourself, worried about how you come off and how bad it looks. Stop giving a shit about other opinions and be more at peace with whoever you are. It's not a bad thing.
 

think2much

New member
Joined
Sep 30, 2009
Messages
239
MBTI Type
intp
What do you do in situations in which you decide that you are too lazy and inept to do something that you initially wished to do? How do you waste your time?
nothing, I have major depression. I usually waste my time online or listening to sad music.
You care about other people too much. Stop doing that, and you'll probably be better off.

And ironically, more comfortable with problems with people when they come up. And in turn, better relationships.

The first thing to do though is stop crucifying yourself by a bunch of standards that aren't even your own. You even start the thread already defeating yourself, worried about how you come off and how bad it looks. Stop giving a shit about other opinions and be more at peace with whoever you are. It's not a bad thing.

There was a time I didn't care about other people. It was great! It was during my teen years. I was a loner.

I care about what others think cause I need them. Physical and mental connection. Guess I didn't care about this during teen cause I assume everything will work out itself. It never did.
 

KDude

New member
Joined
Jan 26, 2010
Messages
8,243
There was a time I didn't care about other people. It was great! It was during my teen years. I was a loner.

I care about what others think cause I need them. Physical and mental connection. Guess I didn't care about this during teen cause I assume everything will work out itself. It never did.

It was great? Well.. great. :D Go back to it then.

Being a loner is alright. Who told you it wasn't? If it's you telling yourself that, then fine.. figure out a way to improve it. If it's others telling you, fuck em. My only point is to not bring yourself down by anyone else's standards or principals. It will lead to more misery, I assure you.
 

think2much

New member
Joined
Sep 30, 2009
Messages
239
MBTI Type
intp
It was great? Well.. great. :D Go back to it then.

Being a loner is alright. Who told you it wasn't? If it's you telling yourself that, then fine.. figure out a way to improve it. If it's others telling you, fuck em. My only point is to not bring yourself down by anyone else's standards or principals. It will lead to more misery, I assure you.

I was happy being a loner during that time but not anymore. I'm extremely lonely, would like to be in a relationship. It isn't common for a guy to be a virgin at my age, not that I care that it's uncommon but I'm very sexually frustrated as well. I already have low self-esteem and it doesn't help that I'm getting older. Feels like there's something wrong with me or that I'm not good enough. I been self-loathing for long time now.

Then get some antidepressants. They actually work. Yes, your case is serious enough to seek help.

I have talked to many people who were on antidepressant. They all told me to not take them, it makes them like a zombie.
 

KDude

New member
Joined
Jan 26, 2010
Messages
8,243
I was happy being a loner during that time but not anymore. I'm extremely lonely, would like to be in a relationship. It isn't common for a guy to be a virgin at my age, not that I care that it's uncommon but I'm very sexually frustrated as well. I already have low self-esteem and it doesn't help that I'm getting older. Feels like there's something wrong with me or that I'm not good enough. I been self-loathing for long time now.

All I'm saying is take a step back and not be so quick to judge yourself by these various "shoulds" and ideas of what you're apparently supposed to be doing or how something's "wrong" with you. Screw all of that for now. You're just one person out of billions.. trillions even.. there is no "wrong" here. The only thing wrong is that you keep listening to the wrong messages. Step back and think about these issues on your own terms. Then decide what's wrong. Focusing on how it's all FAIL and shit isn't going to help. You're still using some other measuring stick whenever you do that.

You're not alone either, if that helps. There are people of your opposite type (ESFJ) who might feel compelled to marry simply because it's the thing to do. And then find themselves miserable - because they didn't figure out why they wanted it for themselves.

There are also a lot of people who get laid a lot, and yet.. still miserable. However great you think their life is, it's probably inaccurate. They need to step back and do what makes them truly happy as well.
 
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