[NT] how do you get to know someone?

[FunnyDigestion]

Just talk to her a lot about whatever comes to mind, testing it with 2 important criteria: 1) is this something it would be possible to talk about? (i.e., "could this just be me rambling about some esoteric tidbit of my lifestyle?"), & 2) "would she enjoy talking about this rather than continuing doing whatever she was doing before I came over here?"

Meaning, you have to gauge whether you're bothering her.

But in the end... if none of the things you want to talk about are things she wants to talk about, you won't get along.

 

[think2much]

I don't get to know people. Problem solved.

been doing this for awhile and it's exactly what I'm going to do. Socializing is mentally exhausting for me and they stress me out. I don't have any fun at all.

Well I heard someone talk about me behind my back and they assume I have aspergers. I'm sick of people telling me I have some sort of mental disorder cause they don't understand me. Maby I do but I don't believe in those disorder. I don't talk to people cause I have no reason to talk to anyone, I gain NOTHING when I talk to people. Unless I'm asking questings about something. Normal small talk and general socializing have no benefit to me.

And the cycle began....... Don't enjoy being around people yet I want a gf to deal with my sexual frustration.

 

[INTP]

I dont think getting a gf just to get rid of your sexual frustration is a good idea. Maybe get yourself a fleshlight or something?

 

[INTP]

Just talk to her a lot about whatever comes to mind, testing it with 2 important criteria: 1) is this something it would be possible to talk about? (i.e., "could this just be me rambling about some esoteric tidbit of my lifestyle?"), & 2) "would she enjoy talking about this rather than continuing doing whatever she was doing before I came over here?"

At least for me, if i have to think if i can say something or not, it ends up me just thinking and not talking for so long that subject has already changed or me going inside my head like "hmm, damn now i have been quiet for over 10seconds, i really have to say something fast, this is getting weird, but what should i say? Doesent matter, just say something. But i cant just say something, because it would just be some weird noises *grinches after 20seconds of silence*, okay now this is getting weird, what the heck should i say, i cant just say something, because saying just something wouldnt make any sense.. hmm.. i have been quiet for so long now that it would be really weird for me to say something simple like talk about weather. But that could save this awkward silence. I wonder why the other person didnt leave already"
and this sort of stuff continuing until the other person says something..

In other words, if other INTPs are like me, its better not to start thinking if its a thought is worthy of being verbalized or not.. i think its better to make up rules like, dont speak about certain stuff, dont tell jokes that might be offencive to some people etc.

 

[Coriolis]

will this isn't just about girls, I have trouble buildling up friendship. I don't understand what it means to be a good friend. If I'm friends with them they should know I will be there for them if they need my help. I don't think I ever had a female friend..... I don't even know how to maintain guy friends. I don't normally call anyone to hang out. I don't like to hang out anyway. I'm mostly quiet. Very introverted.

Well the thing is I dont' want to ask very personal questions cause I don't want to violate their space. When do you know you can start asking personal stuff? yeah it can be 5minute small talk or more. The longest conversation I ever had with someone was 30minutes I think(in one setting). I sound very robotic, I can understand that she/he might not sense emotions. Not really emotional type

My outlook is very similar to yours, so I am not the person to teach "friends 101". But I do have a couple of friends, so I will share my $0.02. The highlighted shows that you do have a sense of what it means to be a friend. You are there to help each other; you respect each other; you think of the effects of your words and actions on each other. This is more than many people I have met.

well that's exactly what I mean. What do you mean personal? My interest? my dislikes? my past history? my past experience? my opinion? I feel like I"m sharing these things (in my head). I do move pretty slow, I take my time when I open up with people.

People are interested in different things, and have different thresholds for discussing personal info. I have been attracted to people based upon discussions of rather impersonal topics like technology, history, or current events, because the nature of the discussion shows me something about the other person's thought processes and values. There is nothing wrong with moving slowly and taking your time. You just need someone who appreciates this approach rather than faulting you for it or becoming impatient. It is easy to form a superficial relationship fast. If you, like me, want something deeper, that does take time.

been doing this for awhile and it's exactly what I'm going to do. Socializing is mentally exhausting for me and they stress me out. I don't have any fun at all.

I don't talk to people cause I have no reason to talk to anyone, I gain NOTHING when I talk to people. Unless I'm asking questings about something. Normal small talk and general socializing have no benefit to me.

And the cycle began....... Don't enjoy being around people yet I want a gf to deal with my sexual frustration.

If that's all you need, go find a hooker. If socializing is all stress/no fun, then you are spending time with the wrong people. The right people will broaden your horizons, challenge your assumptions, share your interests, and encourage you to be your best self. To me it is like mentally taking flight. Do not expect to find many of these, but they will make up in quality what they lack in quantity. The best way to find them is to go about your business, doing what you are doing, but find occasions to do it with others. Every now and then, someone will pique your curiosity and you theirs; then it will be what you make of it.

 

[think2much]

I dont think getting a gf just to get rid of your sexual frustration is a good idea. Maybe get yourself a fleshlight or something?

It isn't the only reason I want a gf. I want to have a deeper relationship with someone I can trust/love. I just want someone to accpet me for who I am. Most people in my age tend to just have friends with benefit but I don't even know how to get that. I'm getting pretty close to my mid 20s and it's been pretty hard for me.

People are interested in different things, and have different thresholds for discussing personal info. I have been attracted to people based upon discussions of rather impersonal topics like technology, history, or current events, because the nature of the discussion shows me something about the other person's thought processes and values. There is nothing wrong with moving slowly and taking your time. You just need someone who appreciates this approach rather than faulting you for it or becoming impatient. It is easy to form a superficial relationship fast. If you, like me, want something deeper, that does take time.


If that's all you need, go find a hooker. If socializing is all stress/no fun, then you are spending time with the wrong people. The right people will broaden your horizons, challenge your assumptions, share your interests, and encourage you to be your best self. To me it is like mentally taking flight. Do not expect to find many of these, but they will make up in quality what they lack in quantity. The best way to find them is to go about your business, doing what you are doing, but find occasions to do it with others. Every now and then, someone will pique your curiosity and you theirs; then it will be what you make of it.

I can easily figure out how people process information. I think that's part of the problem, I get bored easily and it gets harder to hold a conversation. I always wanted a deeper friendship but I never had one. Sometimes I don't understand the point of discussion, we share our differences but nothing more. People often say I'm like talking to a wall. I don't go out too often but I been trying to put myself out there and It's been very stressful. It brings me down, I even dream about it. That's why I chose to be a loner but now I don't think it's a choice anymore. I feel like I don't belong anywhere and that nobody can understand me.

I did enjoy talking to one ISTP but he straight up told me he didn't care about me. We did talk quite a bit but he thought I was insane. Maby he only spoke to me cause he also didn't have any friends either. I asked him to exchange contact info at the end of the year and he says "what for". That was that.

 

[Glycerine]

They don't want to date you.

The end.

Hah! You are so straight to the point.

 

[Stanton Moore]

[MENTION=8141]think2much[/MENTION] : The best way to get them to like you is to reveal things about yourself. That makes a girl (or friend, anyone really) feel like it's OK to share something about herself with you.

 

[xisnotx]

You could ask them this question..instead of asking us. You are getting to know us by asking this question, when, if you were to pose this question to the person you want to get to know..you would be 1) getting to know that person and 2) getting more, and arguably better, advice on getting to know people.

Just a suggestion.

 

[Turtledove]

I think you should make a poll since you are getting so many types of answers. Let me add one more:
The way you speak on the subject about liking a girl sound more to me that you want to develop friendships and romantic relationships; the best way is to volunteer or work. Sign up for something you feel passionate about. I'm not familiar with what an ideal work environment would be for an INTP but sure as heck I know you can find something in your community/school to do. If ya do take this advice, you get to at least talk to people as you are doing tasks. Possibly you'll work with opposite gender workers. It'll help develop some more confidence.
Final piece: let people be themselves and you be yourself. Nobody is forcing you to change who you are, or at least shouldn't. And don't try to put relationships under a microscope because you must use your heart to develop them. It takes a magnetic connection for deep people to develop deep friendships.

 

[gandalf]

I think you should make a poll since you are getting so many types of answers. Let me add one more:
The way you speak on the subject about liking a girl sound more to me that you want to develop friendships and romantic relationships; the best way is to volunteer or work. Sign up for something you feel passionate about. I'm not familiar with what an ideal work environment would be for an INTP but sure as heck I know you can find something in your community/school to do. If ya do take this advice, you get to at least talk to people as you are doing tasks. Possibly you'll work with opposite gender workers. It'll help develop some more confidence.
Final piece: let people be themselves and you be yourself. Nobody is forcing you to change who you are, or at least shouldn't. And don't try to put relationships under a microscope because you must use your heart to develop them. It takes a magnetic connection for deep people to develop deep friendships.

Exactly.

I can see in your (starter's) description many things that used to be problematic for me too.

My solution was, as Turtledove suggested, voluntary work. That gave me a precious chance to get to interact with people while doing something we had a common interest to. I could anytime talk about something related to the work or remain silent with the excuse of doing something requiring such.

While I am still not very outwards oriented a person, I now know that whenever I want to socialize with any people I come across with, I can do it and if I don't succeed, I can trust that it might as well have been due to him/her and not me.

 

[Undeclared]

At least for me, if i have to think if i can say something or not, it ends up me just thinking and not talking for so long that subject has already changed or me going inside my head like "hmm, damn now i have been quiet for over 10seconds, i really have to say something fast, this is getting weird, but what should i say? Doesent matter, just say something. But i cant just say something, because it would just be some weird noises *grinches after 20seconds of silence*, okay now this is getting weird, what the heck should i say, i cant just say something, because saying just something wouldnt make any sense.. hmm.. i have been quiet for so long now that it would be really weird for me to say something simple like talk about weather. But that could save this awkward silence. I wonder why the other person didnt leave already"
and this sort of stuff continuing until the other person says something..

Get out of my head.
does everyone do this or just us? >_<



@OP: I can kind of relate to you in some way. I've achieved the friends part, but let me say that the results are frustrating. Just because you get friends doesn't mean they can accept you entirely. I have plenty of friends in real life that I hang out with, talk to, and stuff. Sure they're all pretty good friends, but my relationship with them is somewhat transparent. I'd like to think that all of my friends are grouped into genres. Some of the groups don't relate at all so if not ever, they would rarely meet while I am in the same vicinity. I don't have any friends that know more about me than what is relevant to the genre that I place them in. None of my friends have seen the bigger picture, just a little pixel that they are assigned. My problem is actually finding friends that I can talk to about anything..sure I have friends like that online, but I've never met someone in real life like that. If only there was such a person........

I think your looking for a best friend. Someone who you can talk to completely and fully, and they can see the bigger picture. Not just any acquaintance that you have talked to a few times(or more it doesn't matter, the relationship with that 'friend' doesn't even flourish with time, which leads to your problem of transience in friends), if so then your shit outta luck till you find people that vibe with ya. a.k.a There's more fish in the sea.



sidenote 1: I had a big ol thing typed up and accidentally deleted it, but this kind of sums it up I guess since I don't feel like trying to write it again -_-"

 

[Jaq]

Say hi and go from there

jk I say hi, but I usually end up charming or leaving a good impression on just about every girl I meet. Girls tell me I'm funny, cute to some and smart and just generally amusing, yet eccentric.

 

[Istbkleta]

Have sex.

 

[A window to the soul]

Ask questions. :S

 

[copperfish17]

OP: I'm going to echo what a couple of members have already said - "I don't know you" is a very common excuse used by girls to politely decline dates they aren't interested in. I doubt that "mutual knowledge" is the issue (trust, however, may be an issue - girls have good reasons to be wary of dating guys they don't know well). In any case, I think the girls you asked out just weren't interested and didn't want to lead you on. Therefore I would suggest that you don't read into the girls' response ("I don't even know you" etc.), at least not too much.

I'm no expert on relationships, but to offer one advice: don't try to rush relationships. You can't get to really "know" someone in any less than 3 months, IMO. I'm not talking about hard facts (hobbies/interests, favorite color, birthday etc.); I'm talking about character/personality traits, habits, fears, concerns in life, values etc. WRT the dating scene, many experts say you'll need at least a year and a half to properly judge a romantic partner. The process of getting to know someone and developing a sincere liking for someone can and usually do take a very long time. For reference sakes, it took me about 4 years since our first meeting to recognize someone as one of my best friends. Go figure (admittedly, I'm one of the slower ones).

 

[iris.moon]

I'm not good with relationships. But I understand why the girl told you "I don't know you". I usually need time, and INTPs aren't easy to get to know. "Deep conversation" is talking about something personal. Just show who you are, and then she'll decide if she likes you or not.