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Thread: how do you get to know someone?

  1. #31
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    Jul 2011


    Quote Originally Posted by Turtledove View Post
    I think you should make a poll since you are getting so many types of answers. Let me add one more:
    The way you speak on the subject about liking a girl sound more to me that you want to develop friendships and romantic relationships; the best way is to volunteer or work. Sign up for something you feel passionate about. I'm not familiar with what an ideal work environment would be for an INTP but sure as heck I know you can find something in your community/school to do. If ya do take this advice, you get to at least talk to people as you are doing tasks. Possibly you'll work with opposite gender workers. It'll help develop some more confidence.
    Final piece: let people be themselves and you be yourself. Nobody is forcing you to change who you are, or at least shouldn't. And don't try to put relationships under a microscope because you must use your heart to develop them. It takes a magnetic connection for deep people to develop deep friendships.

    I can see in your (starter's) description many things that used to be problematic for me too.

    My solution was, as Turtledove suggested, voluntary work. That gave me a precious chance to get to interact with people while doing something we had a common interest to. I could anytime talk about something related to the work or remain silent with the excuse of doing something requiring such.

    While I am still not very outwards oriented a person, I now know that whenever I want to socialize with any people I come across with, I can do it and if I don't succeed, I can trust that it might as well have been due to him/her and not me.
    INTJ, HSP, 1w9 or tritype 154, sx/sp

  2. #32


    Quote Originally Posted by INTP View Post
    At least for me, if i have to think if i can say something or not, it ends up me just thinking and not talking for so long that subject has already changed or me going inside my head like "hmm, damn now i have been quiet for over 10seconds, i really have to say something fast, this is getting weird, but what should i say? Doesent matter, just say something. But i cant just say something, because it would just be some weird noises *grinches after 20seconds of silence*, okay now this is getting weird, what the heck should i say, i cant just say something, because saying just something wouldnt make any sense.. hmm.. i have been quiet for so long now that it would be really weird for me to say something simple like talk about weather. But that could save this awkward silence. I wonder why the other person didnt leave already"
    and this sort of stuff continuing until the other person says something..

    Get out of my head.
    does everyone do this or just us? >_<

    @OP: I can kind of relate to you in some way. I've achieved the friends part, but let me say that the results are frustrating. Just because you get friends doesn't mean they can accept you entirely. I have plenty of friends in real life that I hang out with, talk to, and stuff. Sure they're all pretty good friends, but my relationship with them is somewhat transparent. I'd like to think that all of my friends are grouped into genres. Some of the groups don't relate at all so if not ever, they would rarely meet while I am in the same vicinity. I don't have any friends that know more about me than what is relevant to the genre that I place them in. None of my friends have seen the bigger picture, just a little pixel that they are assigned. My problem is actually finding friends that I can talk to about anything..sure I have friends like that online, but I've never met someone in real life like that. If only there was such a person........

    I think your looking for a best friend. Someone who you can talk to completely and fully, and they can see the bigger picture. Not just any acquaintance that you have talked to a few times(or more it doesn't matter, the relationship with that 'friend' doesn't even flourish with time, which leads to your problem of transience in friends), if so then your shit outta luck till you find people that vibe with ya. a.k.a There's more fish in the sea.

    sidenote 1: I had a big ol thing typed up and accidentally deleted it, but this kind of sums it up I guess since I don't feel like trying to write it again -_-"

  3. #33
    A Mystery Array Jacques Le Paul's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    LII Ne


    Say hi and go from there

    jk I say hi, but I usually end up charming or leaving a good impression on just about every girl I meet. Girls tell me I'm funny, cute to some and smart and just generally amusing, yet eccentric.
    Let thought and reasoning be your guide, it certainly is mine!

    Always forward, never back!

    I'm an idiot, but I'm willing to learn. So that separates me from the idiot who isn't.

    My blog in regular blogs

  4. #34
    Senior Member Array
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    Jun 2011
    2 so/sx


    Have sex.

  5. #35
    A window to the soul


    Ask questions. :S

  6. #36
    Senior Member Array copperfish17's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    5w4 sp/so


    OP: I'm going to echo what a couple of members have already said - "I don't know you" is a very common excuse used by girls to politely decline dates they aren't interested in. I doubt that "mutual knowledge" is the issue (trust, however, may be an issue - girls have good reasons to be wary of dating guys they don't know well). In any case, I think the girls you asked out just weren't interested and didn't want to lead you on. Therefore I would suggest that you don't read into the girls' response ("I don't even know you" etc.), at least not too much.

    I'm no expert on relationships, but to offer one advice: don't try to rush relationships. You can't get to really "know" someone in any less than 3 months, IMO. I'm not talking about hard facts (hobbies/interests, favorite color, birthday etc.); I'm talking about character/personality traits, habits, fears, concerns in life, values etc. WRT the dating scene, many experts say you'll need at least a year and a half to properly judge a romantic partner. The process of getting to know someone and developing a sincere liking for someone can and usually do take a very long time. For reference sakes, it took me about 4 years since our first meeting to recognize someone as one of my best friends. Go figure (admittedly, I'm one of the slower ones).
    Enneagram: 5w4 5-9-2 (5w4 9w1 2w1) sp/so

    "Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience." - Greg King
    The worst mistake people make in political arguments is assuming that the other side is not trying to do the right thing. This simple oversight makes productive conversation nearly impossible.

  7. #37
    Member Array
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    Jul 2011


    I'm not good with relationships. But I understand why the girl told you "I don't know you". I usually need time, and INTPs aren't easy to get to know. "Deep conversation" is talking about something personal. Just show who you are, and then she'll decide if she likes you or not.
    INFP 9w8 5w4 4w5 sx/sp/so

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