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  1. #1
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    Default INTP's in relationship questions...

    I posted a while back about my INTP guy and not talking every day. (We had broken up in June because I told him my feelings were hurt because I hadn't heard from him in 2 days.) Things are still progressing between us. We are doing alot more things together with the kids. I still only see him mostly on weekends though because of school. I have been good about trying to give him space. I haven't been calling him every day either. We have also gotten to a new level of trust.

    I don't want to say insecurities are sinking in, but more like questions I wish I could get answers to. I'm just not sure how to go about asking or if I even should. What I really want to know is at what level he feels our relationship is at. I want to know if he is happy. The other day my kids and I stayed at his house on a Friday because I had some place to go the next day and he kept the kids. When I got back and the topic of us staying again came up, he said he didn't care if we did. So we did. But I questioned whether we over stayed our welcome. He wrapped up my phone charger (I usually leave it at his house.) when I was getting ready to leave. He never does that. So then I questioned if it bothered him that I left a few things(tooth paste/ tooth brush, charger and a shirt I always forget.) I've never tried to leave clothes or a bunch of stuff knowingly.

    So is it ever okay to ask him about these sorts of things. I don't want to freak him out again. I am learning that I need to pay attention to how I word things with him so that it is as specific as possible. I'm in love with him, but getting any sort of emotion is like pulling teeth as is getting any kind of feed back for what he is thinking. Sorry to ramble here, I'm just trying to figure out the best way to talk to him about these sort of things.

  2. #2
    Senior Member Xyk's Avatar
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    Personally, I like the direct approach when talking about relationships and whatnot.

    Well that's not entirely true, the direct approach is my second favorite, after avoiding the issue.
    MBTI: INTP (PNIT if you wanna put it in order of strength.)
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    Also, credit for my new avatar goes to this person. I found it on the google.

  3. #3
    half mystic, half skeksis jenocyde's Avatar
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    Lol, just imagining two introverts in a room together skirting issues and deflecting questions...

    If it were any other man, I'd say the fact that he watches your kids for you means he likes you. But for an INTP, it probably means that he's too avoidant to say no. Your best bet is to write him a bare bones email, devoid of fluff, and ask that he respond by a certain time/day out of courtesy for your feelings. Be direct, address anything you want to say and then back off and let him answer. That's sort of what I did with mine and we ended up married a few months later.

    I guess the thing is to be clear about what you want in such a way that he can visualize his life changing in that direction. Most INTPs I know have to become familiar with an idea and try it on mentally before they can commit to it. This is why I never ask my hubby if he wants to do something (answer is always NO) - I just tell him what we are going to do, down to the smallest most ridiculous detail, a few days in advance so he has time to get used to the idea. It's not presented as an option, but as an inevitable.

    From me to you, if you are afraid of being honest with a man you are in a relationship with for fear of scaring him off, chances are that he's not for you. Would you really like to go forward in life walking on eggshells and second guessing yourself? Be who you are and let him get used to it. INTPs are extremely adaptable as long as there is some consistency to your behavioral patterns. If you have to deal with his crap, he should deal with yours.

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by Xyk View Post
    Personally, I like the direct approach when talking about relationships and whatnot.

    Well that's not entirely true, the direct approach is my second favorite, after avoiding the issue.
    Lol I can appreciate that reply. Sounds exactly like my INTP. I think a lot of my hesitation comes from when he completely freaked out and we broke up for a few days. I told him my feelings were hurt because I hadn't heard from him in a few days. I know now the way I went about approaching it was the wrong way with him. Are INTP's the type to say one thing but mean another? Or are they really just blunt enough that what they say is what they mean?

  5. #5
    Habitual Fi LineStepper JocktheMotie's Avatar
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    I love these threads.

    Quote Originally Posted by memz View Post
    I posted a while back about my INTP guy and not talking every day. (We had broken up in June because I told him my feelings were hurt because I hadn't heard from him in 2 days.) Things are still progressing between us. We are doing alot more things together with the kids. I still only see him mostly on weekends though because of school. I have been good about trying to give him space. I haven't been calling him every day either. We have also gotten to a new level of trust.

    I don't want to say insecurities are sinking in, but more like questions I wish I could get answers to. I'm just not sure how to go about asking or if I even should. What I really want to know is at what level he feels our relationship is at. I want to know if he is happy. The other day my kids and I stayed at his house on a Friday because I had some place to go the next day and he kept the kids. When I got back and the topic of us staying again came up, he said he didn't care if we did. So we did. But I questioned whether we over stayed our welcome. He wrapped up my phone charger (I usually leave it at his house.) when I was getting ready to leave. He never does that. So then I questioned if it bothered him that I left a few things(tooth paste/ tooth brush, charger and a shirt I always forget.) I've never tried to leave clothes or a bunch of stuff knowingly.

    So is it ever okay to ask him about these sorts of things. I don't want to freak him out again. I am learning that I need to pay attention to how I word things with him so that it is as specific as possible. I'm in love with him, but getting any sort of emotion is like pulling teeth as is getting any kind of feed back for what he is thinking. Sorry to ramble here, I'm just trying to figure out the best way to talk to him about these sort of things.
    The best way is to simply ask. INTPs can be rather forthcoming but this is typically dependent on whether or not they think you'll be able to handle the information in a non psychotic manner, which seems to be your problem. If you're probing for the subliminal message in how he wraps your phone charger, I shudder to think of what you'd look for in any kind of emotional expression.

    INTPs keep their thoughts/feelings close to the vest if they belive they cannot be understood within a similar context that they themselves understand them, because INTPs hate being misinterpreted or misrepresented. If they think what's in their minds won't be understood on a level they can irrationally control to some degree, they won't say anything at all.

    Oddly this aloofness helps contribute to misunderstanding and INTPs have a hard time seeing how their behavior is influencing others around them to dig for more with less, so it's a bit of a vicious cycle that needs to be disrupted by direct communication and understanding.



  6. #6
    half mystic, half skeksis jenocyde's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JocktheMotie View Post
    The best way is to simply ask. INTPs can be rather forthcoming but this is typically dependent on whether or not they think you'll be able to handle the information in a non psychotic manner, which seems to be your problem. If you're probing for the subliminal message in how he wraps your phone charger, I shudder to think of what you'd look for in any kind of emotional expression.

    INTPs keep their thoughts/feelings close to the vest if they belive they cannot be understood within a similar context that they themselves understand them, because INTPs hate being misinterpreted or misrepresented. If they think what's in their minds won't be understood on a level they can irrationally control to some degree, they won't say anything at all.

    Oddly this aloofness helps contribute to misunderstanding and INTPs have a hard time seeing how their behavior is influencing others around them to dig for more with less, so it's a bit of a vicious cycle that needs to be disrupted by direct communication and understanding.
    Hahaha, you guys drive me nuts. This post is extremely accurate, but what I read is: "ask, as long as you ask in a way that is non threatening to them - which is moot, because you never know what will threaten them."

    OP: are you sure you really want one of them? The other thing you have to consider is that most times they are not even being aloof or evasive, they genuinely have NO idea how they feel about a situation in real time. Almost all reflection happens retrospectively - which is why I suggested email and a time delay. Good luck!

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by JocktheMotie View Post
    I love these threads.



    The best way is to simply ask. INTPs can be rather forthcoming but this is typically dependent on whether or not they think you'll be able to handle the information in a non psychotic manner, which seems to be your problem. If you're probing for the subliminal message in how he wraps your phone charger, I shudder to think of what you'd look for in any kind of emotional expression.

    INTPs keep their thoughts/feelings close to the vest if they belive they cannot be understood within a similar context that they themselves understand them, because INTPs hate being misinterpreted or misrepresented. If they think what's in their minds won't be understood on a level they can irrationally control to some degree, they won't say anything at all.

    Oddly this aloofness helps contribute to misunderstanding and INTPs have a hard time seeing how their behavior is influencing others around them to dig for more with less, so it's a bit of a vicious cycle that needs to be disrupted by direct communication and understanding.
    Very good post.

    @memz, your best bet is to just be direct. It is much better to know where you stand with someone (even if it's not what you want to hear) then to sit in limbo wondering.

    You will also get a much more accurate assessment by talking to him directly then asking an internet forum about this. Within a type we all act very similarly to each other, but as individuals there can be a lot of variance. If something or someone is worth my time then I prefer being very direct and to the point with them. Life is too short to sit wondering what someone else is thinking if I can simply ask.

    At the end of the relationship day you need to be free to be who you are with someone, and that person needs the same thing in return. It sounds like you need a lot more open affection from a relationship than what you are currently getting. So either you will have to modify what you need, or you will need to seek out someone more compatible with you from that standpoint. Otherwise you will both needlessly chafe the other with differing levels of needs.

  8. #8
    Habitual Fi LineStepper JocktheMotie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jenocyde View Post
    Hahaha, you guys drive me nuts. This post is extremely accurate, but what I read is: "ask, as long as you ask in a way that is non threatening to them - which is moot, because you never know what will threaten them."
    Pretty much, unfortunately

    To the OP, not so much non-threatening, but the INTP will probably have made up his mind about you in some way even though he has never given you a chance to prove him wrong, via his largely passive observation of you. And that observation is extensive and creepily thorough.* If you want to change his perception, you'd have to give him a reason to. He's going to be sensitive to assumptions about his intentions and feelings so if you can show you take him at face value I don't think he's going to be so withholding, as there's not as much fear there's going to be misinterpretation. Again, how they contribute to this is a huge blind spot for them.

    OP: are you sure you really want one of them? The other thing you have to consider is that most times they are not even being aloof or evasive, they genuinely have NO idea how they feel about a situation in real time. Almost all reflection happens retrospectively - which is why I suggested email and a time delay. Good luck!
    This definitely helps, especially if they're enneagram 5s. Also why they're passive a lot; something may bother them but they do not know why or how to articulate it, so they go with the flow to revisit later. And by then, the issue is gone so they sweep it under the rug. Until it happens again and the cumulative stress erupts at the same time. Have fun with that!

    *As thorough as detached observation can be. They never seem to think they can learn anything via interacting with a system that they can't learn just by observing. Again, a blind spot. But it's still creepy.



  9. #9
    half mystic, half skeksis jenocyde's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JocktheMotie View Post
    something may bother them but they do not know why or how to articulate it, so they go with the flow to revisit later. And by then, the issue is gone so they sweep it under the rug. Until it happens again and the cumulative stress erupts at the same time. Have fun with that!
    Yeah seriously, have fun with that.

  10. #10
    Emerging Tallulah's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jenocyde View Post
    Hahaha, you guys drive me nuts. This post is extremely accurate, but what I read is: "ask, as long as you ask in a way that is non threatening to them - which is moot, because you never know what will threaten them."

    OP: are you sure you really want one of them? The other thing you have to consider is that most times they are not even being aloof or evasive, they genuinely have NO idea how they feel about a situation in real time. Almost all reflection happens retrospectively - which is why I suggested email and a time delay. Good luck!
    This is so true. I hate being asked how I feel about stuff, because I almost never know while it's happening. And if I tried to say I how I was feeling, it would have 15 qualifiers, and then I'd be mad at myself later because there's some angle I forgot to consider. I agree about the email/time delay.
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