• You are currently viewing our forum as a guest, which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community, you will have access to additional post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), view blogs, respond to polls, upload content, and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please join our community today! Just click here to register. You should turn your Ad Blocker off for this site or certain features may not work properly. If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us by clicking here.

[INTP] INTP's in relationship questions...

memz

New member
Joined
Jun 26, 2011
Messages
21
MBTI Type
ISFP
I posted a while back about my INTP guy and not talking every day. (We had broken up in June because I told him my feelings were hurt because I hadn't heard from him in 2 days.) Things are still progressing between us. We are doing alot more things together with the kids. I still only see him mostly on weekends though because of school. I have been good about trying to give him space. I haven't been calling him every day either. We have also gotten to a new level of trust.

I don't want to say insecurities are sinking in, but more like questions I wish I could get answers to. I'm just not sure how to go about asking or if I even should. What I really want to know is at what level he feels our relationship is at. I want to know if he is happy. The other day my kids and I stayed at his house on a Friday because I had some place to go the next day and he kept the kids. When I got back and the topic of us staying again came up, he said he didn't care if we did. So we did. But I questioned whether we over stayed our welcome. He wrapped up my phone charger (I usually leave it at his house.) when I was getting ready to leave. He never does that. So then I questioned if it bothered him that I left a few things(tooth paste/ tooth brush, charger and a shirt I always forget.) I've never tried to leave clothes or a bunch of stuff knowingly.

So is it ever okay to ask him about these sorts of things. I don't want to freak him out again. I am learning that I need to pay attention to how I word things with him so that it is as specific as possible. I'm in love with him, but getting any sort of emotion is like pulling teeth as is getting any kind of feed back for what he is thinking. Sorry to ramble here, I'm just trying to figure out the best way to talk to him about these sort of things.
 

Xyk

New member
Joined
Mar 27, 2011
Messages
284
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
5
Personally, I like the direct approach when talking about relationships and whatnot.

Well that's not entirely true, the direct approach is my second favorite, after avoiding the issue.
 

jenocyde

half mystic, half skeksis
Joined
Jan 2, 2009
Messages
6,387
MBTI Type
ENTP
Enneagram
7w8
Lol, just imagining two introverts in a room together skirting issues and deflecting questions...

If it were any other man, I'd say the fact that he watches your kids for you means he likes you. But for an INTP, it probably means that he's too avoidant to say no. Your best bet is to write him a bare bones email, devoid of fluff, and ask that he respond by a certain time/day out of courtesy for your feelings. Be direct, address anything you want to say and then back off and let him answer. That's sort of what I did with mine and we ended up married a few months later.

I guess the thing is to be clear about what you want in such a way that he can visualize his life changing in that direction. Most INTPs I know have to become familiar with an idea and try it on mentally before they can commit to it. This is why I never ask my hubby if he wants to do something (answer is always NO) - I just tell him what we are going to do, down to the smallest most ridiculous detail, a few days in advance so he has time to get used to the idea. It's not presented as an option, but as an inevitable.

From me to you, if you are afraid of being honest with a man you are in a relationship with for fear of scaring him off, chances are that he's not for you. Would you really like to go forward in life walking on eggshells and second guessing yourself? Be who you are and let him get used to it. INTPs are extremely adaptable as long as there is some consistency to your behavioral patterns. If you have to deal with his crap, he should deal with yours.
 

memz

New member
Joined
Jun 26, 2011
Messages
21
MBTI Type
ISFP
Personally, I like the direct approach when talking about relationships and whatnot.

Well that's not entirely true, the direct approach is my second favorite, after avoiding the issue.

Lol I can appreciate that reply. Sounds exactly like my INTP. I think a lot of my hesitation comes from when he completely freaked out and we broke up for a few days. I told him my feelings were hurt because I hadn't heard from him in a few days. I know now the way I went about approaching it was the wrong way with him. Are INTP's the type to say one thing but mean another? Or are they really just blunt enough that what they say is what they mean?
 

JocktheMotie

Habitual Fi LineStepper
Joined
Nov 20, 2008
Messages
8,491
I love these threads.

I posted a while back about my INTP guy and not talking every day. (We had broken up in June because I told him my feelings were hurt because I hadn't heard from him in 2 days.) Things are still progressing between us. We are doing alot more things together with the kids. I still only see him mostly on weekends though because of school. I have been good about trying to give him space. I haven't been calling him every day either. We have also gotten to a new level of trust.

I don't want to say insecurities are sinking in, but more like questions I wish I could get answers to. I'm just not sure how to go about asking or if I even should. What I really want to know is at what level he feels our relationship is at. I want to know if he is happy. The other day my kids and I stayed at his house on a Friday because I had some place to go the next day and he kept the kids. When I got back and the topic of us staying again came up, he said he didn't care if we did. So we did. But I questioned whether we over stayed our welcome. He wrapped up my phone charger (I usually leave it at his house.) when I was getting ready to leave. He never does that. So then I questioned if it bothered him that I left a few things(tooth paste/ tooth brush, charger and a shirt I always forget.) I've never tried to leave clothes or a bunch of stuff knowingly.

So is it ever okay to ask him about these sorts of things. I don't want to freak him out again. I am learning that I need to pay attention to how I word things with him so that it is as specific as possible. I'm in love with him, but getting any sort of emotion is like pulling teeth as is getting any kind of feed back for what he is thinking. Sorry to ramble here, I'm just trying to figure out the best way to talk to him about these sort of things.

The best way is to simply ask. INTPs can be rather forthcoming but this is typically dependent on whether or not they think you'll be able to handle the information in a non psychotic manner, which seems to be your problem. If you're probing for the subliminal message in how he wraps your phone charger, I shudder to think of what you'd look for in any kind of emotional expression.

INTPs keep their thoughts/feelings close to the vest if they belive they cannot be understood within a similar context that they themselves understand them, because INTPs hate being misinterpreted or misrepresented. If they think what's in their minds won't be understood on a level they can irrationally control to some degree, they won't say anything at all.

Oddly this aloofness helps contribute to misunderstanding and INTPs have a hard time seeing how their behavior is influencing others around them to dig for more with less, so it's a bit of a vicious cycle that needs to be disrupted by direct communication and understanding.
 

jenocyde

half mystic, half skeksis
Joined
Jan 2, 2009
Messages
6,387
MBTI Type
ENTP
Enneagram
7w8
The best way is to simply ask. INTPs can be rather forthcoming but this is typically dependent on whether or not they think you'll be able to handle the information in a non psychotic manner, which seems to be your problem. If you're probing for the subliminal message in how he wraps your phone charger, I shudder to think of what you'd look for in any kind of emotional expression.

INTPs keep their thoughts/feelings close to the vest if they belive they cannot be understood within a similar context that they themselves understand them, because INTPs hate being misinterpreted or misrepresented. If they think what's in their minds won't be understood on a level they can irrationally control to some degree, they won't say anything at all.

Oddly this aloofness helps contribute to misunderstanding and INTPs have a hard time seeing how their behavior is influencing others around them to dig for more with less, so it's a bit of a vicious cycle that needs to be disrupted by direct communication and understanding.

Hahaha, you guys drive me nuts. This post is extremely accurate, but what I read is: "ask, as long as you ask in a way that is non threatening to them - which is moot, because you never know what will threaten them."

OP: are you sure you really want one of them? The other thing you have to consider is that most times they are not even being aloof or evasive, they genuinely have NO idea how they feel about a situation in real time. Almost all reflection happens retrospectively - which is why I suggested email and a time delay. Good luck!
 
A

Anew Leaf

Guest
I love these threads.



The best way is to simply ask. INTPs can be rather forthcoming but this is typically dependent on whether or not they think you'll be able to handle the information in a non psychotic manner, which seems to be your problem. If you're probing for the subliminal message in how he wraps your phone charger, I shudder to think of what you'd look for in any kind of emotional expression.

INTPs keep their thoughts/feelings close to the vest if they belive they cannot be understood within a similar context that they themselves understand them, because INTPs hate being misinterpreted or misrepresented. If they think what's in their minds won't be understood on a level they can irrationally control to some degree, they won't say anything at all.

Oddly this aloofness helps contribute to misunderstanding and INTPs have a hard time seeing how their behavior is influencing others around them to dig for more with less, so it's a bit of a vicious cycle that needs to be disrupted by direct communication and understanding.

Very good post.

[MENTION=13979]memz[/MENTION], your best bet is to just be direct. It is much better to know where you stand with someone (even if it's not what you want to hear) then to sit in limbo wondering.

You will also get a much more accurate assessment by talking to him directly then asking an internet forum about this. Within a type we all act very similarly to each other, but as individuals there can be a lot of variance. If something or someone is worth my time then I prefer being very direct and to the point with them. Life is too short to sit wondering what someone else is thinking if I can simply ask.

At the end of the relationship day you need to be free to be who you are with someone, and that person needs the same thing in return. It sounds like you need a lot more open affection from a relationship than what you are currently getting. So either you will have to modify what you need, or you will need to seek out someone more compatible with you from that standpoint. Otherwise you will both needlessly chafe the other with differing levels of needs.
 

JocktheMotie

Habitual Fi LineStepper
Joined
Nov 20, 2008
Messages
8,491
Hahaha, you guys drive me nuts. This post is extremely accurate, but what I read is: "ask, as long as you ask in a way that is non threatening to them - which is moot, because you never know what will threaten them."

Pretty much, unfortunately :D

To the OP, not so much non-threatening, but the INTP will probably have made up his mind about you in some way even though he has never given you a chance to prove him wrong, via his largely passive observation of you. And that observation is extensive and creepily thorough.* If you want to change his perception, you'd have to give him a reason to. He's going to be sensitive to assumptions about his intentions and feelings so if you can show you take him at face value I don't think he's going to be so withholding, as there's not as much fear there's going to be misinterpretation. Again, how they contribute to this is a huge blind spot for them.

OP: are you sure you really want one of them? The other thing you have to consider is that most times they are not even being aloof or evasive, they genuinely have NO idea how they feel about a situation in real time. Almost all reflection happens retrospectively - which is why I suggested email and a time delay. Good luck!

This definitely helps, especially if they're enneagram 5s. Also why they're passive a lot; something may bother them but they do not know why or how to articulate it, so they go with the flow to revisit later. And by then, the issue is gone so they sweep it under the rug. Until it happens again and the cumulative stress erupts at the same time. Have fun with that!

*As thorough as detached observation can be. They never seem to think they can learn anything via interacting with a system that they can't learn just by observing. Again, a blind spot. But it's still creepy.
 

jenocyde

half mystic, half skeksis
Joined
Jan 2, 2009
Messages
6,387
MBTI Type
ENTP
Enneagram
7w8
something may bother them but they do not know why or how to articulate it, so they go with the flow to revisit later. And by then, the issue is gone so they sweep it under the rug. Until it happens again and the cumulative stress erupts at the same time. Have fun with that!

Yeah seriously, have fun with that.
 

Tallulah

Emerging
Joined
Feb 19, 2008
Messages
6,009
MBTI Type
INTP
Hahaha, you guys drive me nuts. This post is extremely accurate, but what I read is: "ask, as long as you ask in a way that is non threatening to them - which is moot, because you never know what will threaten them."

OP: are you sure you really want one of them? The other thing you have to consider is that most times they are not even being aloof or evasive, they genuinely have NO idea how they feel about a situation in real time. Almost all reflection happens retrospectively - which is why I suggested email and a time delay. Good luck!

This is so true. I hate being asked how I feel about stuff, because I almost never know while it's happening. And if I tried to say I how I was feeling, it would have 15 qualifiers, and then I'd be mad at myself later because there's some angle I forgot to consider. I agree about the email/time delay.
 

jenocyde

half mystic, half skeksis
Joined
Jan 2, 2009
Messages
6,387
MBTI Type
ENTP
Enneagram
7w8
This is so true. I hate being asked how I feel about stuff, because I almost never know while it's happening. And if I tried to say I how I was feeling, it would have 15 qualifiers, and then I'd be mad at myself later because there's some angle I forgot to consider. I agree about the email/time delay.

Oh god, the qualifiers! You guys are bonkers, but I love you so. :wubbie:
 

rav3n

.
Joined
Aug 6, 2010
Messages
11,655
Something bizarre to consider when getting involved with INTPs. Try to avoid sharing too many insecurities. They're the type who can and do think themselves out of relationships.
 

jimrckhnd

New member
Joined
Jul 16, 2011
Messages
447
MBTI Type
INTP
This is so true. I hate being asked how I feel about stuff, because I almost never know while it's happening. And if I tried to say I how I was feeling, it would have 15 qualifiers, and then I'd be mad at myself later because there's some angle I forgot to consider. I agree about the email/time delay.

Oh jeez... yes. Sometimes it takes me weeks to figure out how I feel. This is particularly true when the feelings involved are objectionable in some fashion (not practical, not wanted, etc.). If you force me to give an answer on the spot I have to consider all the angles and possibilities and add in a bunch of caveats.

Of course once I have considered all the angles and taken a position - there is no hedging. I mean exactly what I say.
 

jimrckhnd

New member
Joined
Jul 16, 2011
Messages
447
MBTI Type
INTP
Something bizarre to consider when getting involved with INTPs. Try to avoid sharing too many insecurities. They're the type who can and do think themselves out of relationships.

Uhm... yeah. :blush: :doh: ::cry:

My advice to anybody in the early stages of a relationship with an INTP is to be as unambiguous about things as possible. Give us room for doubt and we'll come up with 17 different reasons why its doomed and why its probably best to bail out now. Say something to us like "I love you" with no qualifiers and you reduce the data points and reduce the chance of over analysis.
 
A

Anew Leaf

Guest
Uhm... yeah. :blush: :doh: ::cry:

My advice to anybody in the early stages of a relationship with an INTP is to be as unambiguous about things as possible. Give us room for doubt and we'll come up with 17 different reasons why its doomed and why its probably best to bail out now. Say something to us like "I love you" with no qualifiers and you reduce the data points and reduce the chance of over analysis.

Dear Jim,

I have been meaning to say this for some time now. I love you AND geology!

~INFP

P.S. Is this how it works?
 

rav3n

.
Joined
Aug 6, 2010
Messages
11,655
[MENTION=13402]Saturned[/MENTION], that's what they think they want but being that direct also isn't what prods them into activity. Not saying anymore beyond that!
 
A

Anew Leaf

Guest
[MENTION=13402]Saturned[/MENTION], that's what they think they want but being that direct also isn't what prods them into activity. Not saying anymore beyond that!

[MENTION=10808]Jenaphor[/MENTION]: Haha! You are wise and full of knowledge. :D
 
A

Anew Leaf

Guest
Neither. INTxs are twisty little mofos.

Lol! I seem to fair better with the INTJ version. I always see through their cute little plots and schemes. Then I bake them cookies. No one can resist cookies!

You, however, definitely have the INTP species pinned down in a neat little scientific box... they just don't know it yet. ;)
 
Top