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  1. #81
    violaine
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    Quote Originally Posted by memz View Post
    I posted a while back about my INTP guy and not talking every day. (We had broken up in June because I told him my feelings were hurt because I hadn't heard from him in 2 days.) Things are still progressing between us. We are doing alot more things together with the kids. I still only see him mostly on weekends though because of school. I have been good about trying to give him space. I haven't been calling him every day either. We have also gotten to a new level of trust.

    I don't want to say insecurities are sinking in, but more like questions I wish I could get answers to. I'm just not sure how to go about asking or if I even should. What I really want to know is at what level he feels our relationship is at. I want to know if he is happy. The other day my kids and I stayed at his house on a Friday because I had some place to go the next day and he kept the kids. When I got back and the topic of us staying again came up, he said he didn't care if we did. So we did. But I questioned whether we over stayed our welcome. He wrapped up my phone charger (I usually leave it at his house.) when I was getting ready to leave. He never does that. So then I questioned if it bothered him that I left a few things(tooth paste/ tooth brush, charger and a shirt I always forget.) I've never tried to leave clothes or a bunch of stuff knowingly.

    So is it ever okay to ask him about these sorts of things. I don't want to freak him out again. I am learning that I need to pay attention to how I word things with him so that it is as specific as possible. I'm in love with him, but getting any sort of emotion is like pulling teeth as is getting any kind of feed back for what he is thinking. Sorry to ramble here, I'm just trying to figure out the best way to talk to him about these sort of things.
    I'm an INFJ dating an INTP and we are very close emotionally. I have always been honest with him about being sensitive and soft. If I could have, I would have hidden my sensitivity, thinking that he preferred someone less emotional. He told me that he loves my emotionality and he needs to see it to feel close. I'm never harsh though, so I suppose he means he likes my softness.

    If I were you... If it was me... I would look at this big-picture-style. Something I would never do is to analyze everything he does wondering if he cares as much as I do. I would almost guarantee you he can feel that if you're doing it. And it feels like pressure. And that kind of pressure can make people freeze up. Because in a way, it's keeping score. No one likes that. And people don't do that when they have a true understanding and acceptance of each other, established via communication over time.

    I would prob write him an honest, non-dramatic, to the point email about how I work. Acknowledging that you work differently from each other and asking him if he minds that you are expressive/relationship focused or whatever your dominant emotional mode is. And then I would proceed to be myself! It's so much better to not tip toe around things and to not let that stuff turn into negative emotions.

    I suspect more emotional people feel that more stoic types have the power in a relationship. But the funny thing is, the stoic types often think the converse! I am very expressive. In the past, I was self-conscious about it because I figured it can be off-putting for less expressive types. My INTP makes me feel so many good things, I can't keep it in. I asked him if he minded how expressive I am once and he said that he LOVED how I am. BUT that it did make him feel guilty and freeze a bit sometimes because he was sure I wanted him to reciprocate and he just isn't like that to the degree I am. I explained that I never expected that, and was just so happy that he liked that part of me. That conversation made us really close because we both then knew we were free to be ourselves, therefore content.

    I don't think anyone can leverage out of another person something that they don't want to give or something they aren't, but there are definitely ways to bridge a communication divide. Provided there is true acceptance and respect for how each other works.

  2. #82
    half mystic, half skeksis jenocyde's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Catbert View Post
    Is this really true, or only true of immature guys/relationships?
    Seems to be true. It's not a sign of immaturity, some people just need more time to think and process than others. And some people (like me) are future focused, while others (like hubby) need to find a basis of comparison to an event or situation in the past.

  3. #83
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    Thanks for all the replies! You all crack me up. Let me say that when I wrote this I was in one of my obvious over analytical modes. When I ask questions such as these I'm looking to learn more about how different people in the group think or feel about things and not one specific answer. I know not all INTP's are the same. So I don't expect anyone to have a right/wrong answer for me. I just like learning about various aspects of the type itself. That being said... I love how some of you said you have approached things and that gives me a better idea of how to possibly phrase things with him to be a little more direct.

  4. #84
    resonance entropie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Catbert View Post
    Is this really true, or only true of immature guys/relationships?
    Quote Originally Posted by jenocyde View Post
    Seems to be true. It's not a sign of immaturity, some people just need more time to think and process than others. And some people (like me) are future focused, while others (like hubby) need to find a basis of comparison to an event or situation in the past.
    I can sign that and its an idea well put into words. Its a thing I have experienced a dozen of times already. Guess seen from a mbti perspective, having Ti and Fe in 2nd and 3rd position would be the metaphor to reflect that problem.

    Especially regarding thinking its impossible for most people to imagine that I as a very assertive person would need time to think about certain things. Yet its impossible to expect from people as well to see the difference when I do need time to think about a thing and when not; its impossible for me to predict that as well and I havent found a solution to that yet in real life; tho it does create a lot of problems for me and miscommunication
    [URL]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tEBvftJUwDw&t=0s[/URL]

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