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  1. #1
    Dependable Skeleton Engineer's Avatar
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    Default The "Bugzapper" Effect

    Hello all. I am back again, this time with a new question and/or discussion opportunity.

    Having recently come to understand certain signs and behaviors, I have given up my long-term pursuit of the ENFP I've been on about for awhile now. Seeing as I'm an INTJ, and the "glorious plan" had to be entirely scrapped, I'm sort of at square one again and am currently reviewing the leftovers of previous relationships to establish some form of pattern of failure. In all of them, there seems to be a mysterious point where the woman's interest in me ends-- not really slowly, but all of a sudden, a great drop-off: the bugzapper effect. Things will be going fine one week, the next there's nothing going on at all.

    With my INFP ex, this happened after a week, with my ENFP prospect, this happened after a single day, and developed into a downward spiral where I am apparently not allowed to ignore her, but she is allowed to ignore me all she wants. Even recently, girls that seem interested will pull away mysteriously after a couple of days.

    What exactly am I doing wrong here? Is my robotic inside just that uninteresting? Am I too cold, too morbid, too awkward? Asking from a stance of genuine curiosity here, not like I'm being emo. I'd like to fix this, as I have been told that I am in the 7.6 to 8.2 range of looks, so having an equally-attractive method of approach would be nice.

    As for discussion, has any other NT had this happen to them as well? Is it that we seem a bit too calculating to other people or what? I am honestly confused, since this has happened five times in a row now and is seriously (super-super-cereal, guys) getting old.

    Help?
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    Ego Reparate; Ob Me Non Deficiat.
    INTJ - RCOEI - sx/sp/so - Tritype: 683 (6w5-8w9-3w4) - True Neutral
    "Yeah, wisdom always chooses/These black eyes and these bruises"
    "Over the heartache that they say/Never completely goes away..."

  2. #2
    Analytical Dreamer Coriolis's Avatar
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    Default

    Before replying I will ask two questions. (1) Just what do you want out of a romantic relationship at this point in your life? (2) Have you asked any of these ladies why they suddenly lost interest in you? Their replies would be helpful data.

    Everything you suggest is probably true. When they get to know you well enough, what they see inside might not be interesting to them. You may very well be "cold, morbid, awkward and calculating" compared with other guys they have dated, or even casually known. If you knew with certainty that this was the case, though, what would you do? Try to change? It's fine to compromise on matters of taste (which movie to see), or to work on truly annoying behaviors (always being late), but it is counterproductive to try to be someone you are not. Better to find someone who appreciates who you really are, and whom you can appreciate as they are.

    This may not be very satisfying if your goal is to have immediate casual company, since finding such a person may take time and patience. Substitute "intense" for "morbid", and I share your suspect qualities, no doubt the reason I had had even fewer relationships than you by the time I finished university. This didn't bother me because I knew I was far too busy to give a relationship the attention it deserved. Fast forward a few years, though, and I met someone who cared for me despite (because?) of these and other qualities. We have held each other's interest for over a decade now.
    I've been called a criminal, a terrorist, and a threat to the known universe. But everything you were told is a lie. The truth is, they've taken our freedom, our home, and our future. The time has come for all humanity to take a stand...

  3. #3
    Dependable Skeleton Engineer's Avatar
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Coriolis View Post
    Before replying I will ask two questions. (1) Just what do you want out of a romantic relationship at this point in your life? (2) Have you asked any of these ladies why they suddenly lost interest in you? Their replies would be helpful data.
    1) Honestly, the ideal relationship would be a serious one, but I'd even settle for a casual short-term one. I'm frankly just tired of being alone for so long.
    2) I attempted to ask the INFP, but got a bizarre roundabout answer that did not settle anything whatsoever (plus she was emotionally damaged and had cheated on me twice previously). The ENFP barely acknowledges me in public and will not respond to any electronic methods of communication whatsoever, so that particular option is not viable.

    Everything you suggest is probably true. When they get to know you well enough, what they see inside might not be interesting to them. You may very well be "cold, morbid, awkward and calculating" compared with other guys they have dated, or even casually known. If you knew with certainty that this was the case, though, what would you do? Try to change? It's fine to compromise on matters of taste (which movie to see), or to work on truly annoying behaviors (always being late), but it is counterproductive to try to be someone you are not. Better to find someone who appreciates who you really are, and whom you can appreciate as they are.
    Don't worry, I heartily agree. I have (foolishly) tried to change before, and it's definitely not worth the hassle. The funny thing is that this effect has happened in different places inside my knowing them, anywhere from two weeks of one girl being interested in me to three months into a relationship. It is confusing, so most of my attempts to understand it are basically just conjecture at this point.

    This may not be very satisfying if your goal is to have immediate casual company, since finding such a person may take time and patience. Substitute "intense" for "morbid", and I share your suspect qualities, no doubt the reason I had had even fewer relationships than you by the time I finished university. This didn't bother me because I knew I was far too busy to give a relationship the attention it deserved. Fast forward a few years, though, and I met someone who cared for me despite (because?) of these and other qualities. We have held each other's interest for over a decade now.
    I'm glad that you mentioned that. It at least gives me hope that there might be a bit of light at the end of this bizarre tunnel I seem to be in.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    Ego Reparate; Ob Me Non Deficiat.
    INTJ - RCOEI - sx/sp/so - Tritype: 683 (6w5-8w9-3w4) - True Neutral
    "Yeah, wisdom always chooses/These black eyes and these bruises"
    "Over the heartache that they say/Never completely goes away..."

  4. #4
    Analytical Dreamer Coriolis's Avatar
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    Time is the wrong metric for analyzing how and why your past relationships ended. It is more likely event driven, and will be different for each person you dated. Each one probably got to know you at a different rate, possibly in different circumstances, and had a different threshold for compatibility/continued interest. The fact that one lost interest after a few days and another after a few months says more about them than you.

    It sounds like you are more bothered by the lack of companionship than I ever was. I had more concern for the long term, but never really minded being alone. I suspect Enneagram instincts come into play here; I am sp/sx and 5 to boot, which compounds to be rather reclusive.
    I've been called a criminal, a terrorist, and a threat to the known universe. But everything you were told is a lie. The truth is, they've taken our freedom, our home, and our future. The time has come for all humanity to take a stand...

  5. #5
    Senior Member Xyk's Avatar
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    Maybe you smell. Like really really bad and only after random intervals.
    MBTI: INTP (PNIT if you wanna put it in order of strength.)
    Socionics: INTp
    Enneagram: 5w4
    Alignment: Neutral Good
    Political Stance: (usually) Very Liberal
    Religious Stance: (roughly) Secular Humanist
    Class: Wizard
    Stereotype: Geek/Hippie

    Also, credit for my new avatar goes to this person. I found it on the google.

  6. #6
    Senior Member uncommonentity's Avatar
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    From a personal standpoint neither INFP or ENFP are the ideal partners for us at all. I'd try your hand at the following types.

    INTJ - mutual relation a little on the cold side [Identity]
    ENTJ - mutal relation a little on the warm side [Pal]
    ENFJ - partial relation a little on the sexy side [Tribesman]
    INFJ - partial relation a little on the submissive side [Companion]
    ESFJ - balanced relation where you call the shots [Novelty]
    ESTP - decent relation despite you having to make minor adjustments [Cohort]
    ISFP - slightly estranged relation but highly sexual [Supplement]
    ESFP - mentor relation with a traditional value set [Anima]

    I don't know how 'tight' of an INTJ you are. From your OP you don't sound too angry or stubborn so it's more than likely a compatiblity issue.

    INTP - more of a brotherly love [Complement]
    ENTP - more of a contrasted love [Contrast]
    ISTP - more of an office love [Suitemate]
    INFP - more of an advisory love [Advisor]
    ENFP - more of an arranged love [Pedagogue]
    ISFJ - more of a family love [Enigma]
    ISTJ - more of a neighbour love [Neighbour]
    ESTJ - more of a business love [Counterpart]

    I'll jokingly take $1,000,000 paypal to elaborate on the full physical, sexual and mental dynamics we have with either type.

    You can alternatively dismiss this post while I score mad babes.
    Veni, Vidi, Cessi.

  7. #7
    Dependable Skeleton Engineer's Avatar
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Coriolis View Post
    Time is the wrong metric for analyzing how and why your past relationships ended. It is more likely event driven, and will be different for each person you dated. Each one probably got to know you at a different rate, possibly in different circumstances, and had a different threshold for compatibility/continued interest. The fact that one lost interest after a few days and another after a few months says more about them than you.

    It sounds like you are more bothered by the lack of companionship than I ever was. I had more concern for the long term, but never really minded being alone. I suspect Enneagram instincts come into play here; I am sp/sx and 5 to boot, which compounds to be rather reclusive.
    That's... a really interesting way to put it. I think you're actually correct in pointing out that time's not the right idea, because honestly, I feel like there were certain events transpiring in the background of each situation that I was not privy to. At the time I dismissed that since I'm more on the paranoid side, but I think that with enough distance, it's what you've said. What I meant by the timeframe was the decline, however. Each of the relationships continued for either two months (at minimum) to even just a six month pursuit/friendship (in the case of the ENFP).

    I really am. I don't like to be, because I'm really good at being alone, but deep down inside, that little 6-type says I need a partner in crime for security purposes. I'm sp/sx too, but that manifests in being somewhat flippant towards social rules. My INFJ brother tells me that it's not appropriate for me to go around flaunting that fact, especially if I want to seek attractive and interesting women.

    Quote Originally Posted by Xyk View Post
    Maybe you smell. Like really really bad and only after random intervals.
    My personal hygiene is impeccable, I assure you. I shower once in the morning, and usually once at night, provided I have the time. In between I follow the usual social practices of wearing deodorant and clean clothing, so I'm not quite sure that's the problem. Though this did make me laugh.

    Quote Originally Posted by uncommonentity View Post
    From a personal standpoint neither INFP or ENFP are the ideal partners for us at all. I'd try your hand at the following types.

    INTJ - mutual relation a little on the cold side [Identity]
    ENTJ - mutal relation a little on the warm side [Pal]
    ENFJ - partial relation a little on the sexy side [Tribesman]
    INFJ - partial relation a little on the submissive side [Companion]
    ESFJ - balanced relation where you call the shots [Novelty]
    ESTP - decent relation despite you having to make minor adjustments [Cohort]
    ISFP - slightly estranged relation but highly sexual [Supplement]
    ESFP - mentor relation with a traditional value set [Anima]

    I don't know how 'tight' of an INTJ you are. From your OP you don't sound too angry or stubborn so it's more than likely a compatiblity issue.
    I'm kinda relaxed and withdrawn. I'm likely not going to change very much in order to get a relationship, but it would be nice to see what type of lady is interested in what exactly I have to bring to the table in that regard.

    INTP - more of a brotherly love [Complement]
    ENTP - more of a contrasted love [Contrast]
    ISTP - more of an office love [Suitemate]
    INFP - more of an advisory love [Advisor]
    ENFP - more of an arranged love [Pedagogue]
    ISFJ - more of a family love [Enigma]
    ISTJ - more of a neighbour love [Neighbour]
    ESTJ - more of a business love [Counterpart]

    I'll jokingly take $1,000,000 paypal to elaborate on the full physical, sexual and mental dynamics we have with either type.

    You can alternatively dismiss this post while I score mad babes.
    Actually all of this seems really interesting to me! I can seriously see where so many of my relationships (even the non-romantic ones) are here. I felt like I was "managing" the ENFP and "guarding" the INFP. My roommate is an ENTP, my lil' sis is an INTP, and my best friend is an ISFJ.
    The only problem with these pairings is that none of them seem to be "love" love. What's up with that? Provided I give you a $1,000,000 paypal, would you mind elaborating on which "mad babes" have the best or most fun personality types?
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    Ego Reparate; Ob Me Non Deficiat.
    INTJ - RCOEI - sx/sp/so - Tritype: 683 (6w5-8w9-3w4) - True Neutral
    "Yeah, wisdom always chooses/These black eyes and these bruises"
    "Over the heartache that they say/Never completely goes away..."

  8. #8
    Senior Member Survive & Stay Free's Avatar
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    Default

    I've experienced that too, I've always suspected that in those relationships that the women involved were only dating me as an inbetweener and looking to "upgrade" at the first available opportunity, I couldnt blame them though because I felt the same way about them. I was young. What odds.

  9. #9
    failure to thrive AphroditeGoneAwry's Avatar
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    NFPs are 'supposedly' the cat's meow for intjs.

    I think it's just hard for introverts to meet others period, once out of college. Especially those with whom me mesh well. We are lonely, yet we don't really mind being alone enough to get out in the 'real world' and make that change.

    That's why there is the internet. :uni:
    Ni/Ti/Fe/Si
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    ~Torah observant, Christ inspired~
    Life Path 11

    The more one loves God, the more it is that having nothing in the world means everything, and the less one loves God, the more it is that having everything in the world means nothing.

    Do not resist an evil person, but to him who strikes you on the one cheek, offer also the other. ~Matthew 5:39

    songofmary.wordpress.com


  10. #10
    Ginkgo
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    So they just drop off the radar? Sounds like either a) they came and got what they wanted, seeing no more potential in the relationship or b) saw something about the relationship as irreconcilable.

    I can empathize with the need to find trends in what's up, but the burden may rest more upon the people you're interested in and less on you. Then again, if you're interested in the first place, then the burden falls on you a bit more.

    The ENFP sounded pretty unfair in her dealings with you. I'm not sure what the reasons were, and perhaps if you became more of a priority in her eyes, then your exchange would have balanced out a bit. Just because she talked at your ceaselessly doesn't mean she cares about you.

    You should just wear this shirt: . It acts as sort of an artificial mating call.

    I'm a dude but I would give you mad props for that regardless.

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