[NT] How do I become more like an NT?

[Anew Leaf]

INFP here. Longtime NT admirer.

I'd like more control over my emotions, especially feeling insecure, possessive, and jealous in relationships. You guys seem to have it down.

It probably comes naturally to you, but I know how good you are at breaking things down and analyzing how they work, so I trust you'll be able to explain your process.

This question is driven by the fact that I'm currently seeing this guy who is INTP, and has not a jealous bone in his body. Our relationship started as a friendship and we grew closer and it blossomed into love...but it's a different kind of love than I've ever experienced. It's got this purity to it, almost an innocence. It's strong, and true, and free of culturally-driven romantic expectations. Neither of us want to get married or have kids and we're handling it like a friendship without promises of forever. We're openly non-exclusive and we even talk to each other about the other people we date! We can talk about anything together and accept each other. We occasionally have conflicts that we are able to work through. We have a lot of fun together, and an awesome "mindmeld." And I'm just so happy! It's like being a kid again and having a bestie, except there's great sex too.

The only conflicts we've had are because I sometimes get these pangs of insecurity regarding other women he likes. It's completely irrational because

1. I accepted that he didn't want a relationship going in and agreed to his terms because the time we spend together is so great.

2. I know what he and I have is special and he's able to compartmentalize, so it's not like I'm going to be suddenly ignored in favor of someone else.

3. Our relationship is based on friendship and we both hold that to be the highest form of love.

4. I'm seeing other people too! I feel like a hypocrite.

These feelings of jealousy are surely some knee-jerk response in me that I can overcome so I can just enjoy the relationship as it is. What are some suggestions?

Here's the deal:
You have an incredible disconnect between what you want and what you are doing. This is the second or third thread you have started about the same topic in the past couple of months. Clearly something you are doing is not working out.

I'll do the math for you:
The reason this isn't working out is because you want your cake and to eat it too. What you are doing isn't friendship. It isn't honesty. He thinks one ruleset is being used and you want to change that ruleset to something else without telling him. At the same time you are still dating other people. So I can't tell if you are actually serious about this guy or if you want it where he isn't dating other people but you are. Either way your actions need to match what you say and what you want.

These feelings of jealousy are surely some knee-jerk response in me that I can overcome so I can just enjoy the relationship as it is. What are some suggestions?

There isn't some magical fruit you can eat that suddenly whisks your emotions away. You aren't built that way. I think you would be a much healthier and happier person if you concentrated on who and what you are, not what you aren't. If you are an INFP, we usually move to the beat of our own drummer in life. Figure out what music she is playing.

And one last note on NTs and emotions.... they are for the most part better at keeping their emotions in check and concealed. It doesn't mean that they don't have emotions or that they aren't affected by emotions.

And in regards to why your INTP is content, it's pretty simple. He's a guy who gets a no strings attached sex relationship with someone with whom he doesn't have anything official going on so he doesn't have to deal with the messiness of a real relationship. (Ie, "Can you do the dishes tonight?" "Honey, I had a bad day!" "What do you mean your plan for tonight is to sit in your underwear, drinking beer, and watching golf for 8 hours?!" etc)

End of the day:
Be honest with him. Tell him you want something more, something exclusive, and something just with him. Let the ball be in his court for a bit to decide.

 

[ThatGirl]

At the OP, some NTs don't seem to struggle the way you are because they don't see their emotions as a burden or something to get control over. If you are feeling jealous or insecure you have every right to feel that. Dynamics change, relationships change, your feelings change. Either chose to wait through them (so NP like) or, make a rational decision about them.

Ask yourself these questions:

Why am I feeling like this?

Is it his problem or mine?

What does it mean if I continue to feel like this, or the feeling gets worse?

Is this something I can live with?

Under what conditions will I feel okay about my decision?

After the last two questions are answered. Think of the best way not to REACT to the answer, but to respond to the situation from your clearest perspective.

Or something.

 

[mrcockburn]

Unfortunately, you can't really do that. You just have to accept the lifelong pain and suffering that goes with being an NF. However, that doesn't mean you have to prolong it - if the dude wants FWB and you don't, maybe keep him in the wings and just find someone else for a more serious relationship.

 

[rav3n]

Why would ANYONE think NT's could explain relationships and emotions in an easy to grasp language? This is the life category we fail in. Badly and often. I compartmentalize, analyze and logically look at things because we know no other way to look at them. It does not make my love life a manageable and easy thing, I assure you.

This made me laugh in a pained way (I completely understand!).

You have an INTP fuck buddy. You and he decided from the beginning to have a no strings open relationship. You don't want that anymore. You tell him that. His answer dictates your next move.

And yet, ceecee, you gave her an excellent solution by cutting to what's key.

 

[Redbone]

Asking an INTP for emotional life advice is like asking a squirrel about birds flying. They both live in trees but...

: Nutty squirrels...

Compartmentalizing is a coping mechanism than an indicator of a healthy emotional life. I for one am far better at managing my emotions than actually dealing with them and compartmentalization is a key part of that management. However, eventually no matter how much energy I put into managing (suppressing) my emotional life there reaches a point I call “burn through” – when my emotions burn through all the psychological armor I put up to ward them. Depending on the stressor – thing can get really, really ugly fast. Then all the logic and analysis is not only useless in dealing with the fallout, my ability to be logical and analytical in any situation is adversely affected – very often with a pretty nasty coefficient.

Oh yes, this. When it works, it works. When it doesn't and that emotional well is tapped...

Edit: To the OP, like the other posters here, I agree that becoming more rational or compartmentalizing your emotions is not something that you ought to do in order to cope. As ceecee mentioned, if you want the INTP to be with you exclusively, then the burden is on you to tell him that you want the conditions of the relationship to change. But I think the problem is that you already know what his answer will be.

 

[Tallulah]

Listen to the above posters. There are many areas in which one could conceivably desire advice from an NT, but romance isn't one of them. We manage to have good relationships only in spite of ourselves. Being distant and cool is about the last thing you want to be in a romantic situation.

I like being an NT most of the time. But no lie, as far as relationships go, I often wish I was an F.

The FWB thing isn't working out not because you're not tough enough, but because they rarely ever do.

 

[Rhath89]

To be like an NT you would need to get a better sense of going with gut instincts after you've thought things through. I think an average NT, having written out what you wrote, would have read what they wrote, thought about it, and come to a decision, without asking the advice of others. I notice people I think might be Fe asking for others opinions often, where as those who are Ti I see telling people what they plan to do and why.

 

[NegativeZero]

Do people think NTs don't have emotions? We do, we just don't prefer to use them when it comes to our daily affairs. We feel just as much as anyone else, I think. Public displays of emotion make us uncomfortable so we tend to avoid letting ourselves be transparent. If you really think NTs feel less emotions or some other similar bullshit, you're full of it. If anything, NFs have an advantage in emotional dilemmas because they are dominated by their emotions.

NTs are portrayed as less emotional because they are stereotyped as having low emotional intelligence.

 

[CzeCze]

INFP here. Longtime NT admirer.

I'd like more control over my emotions, especially feeling insecure, possessive, and jealous in relationships. You guys seem to have it down.

Are you kidding? I don't mean that in a mean way, but in an incredulous way. As introverts, INTPs may seem calm on the surface (to the unobserving eye) but there is a firestorm going on in their brains. And the INTPs I know (and I have known many, including close friends and "lovers") go NUTS when infatuated. They can turn into gooey mushballs, I blame it on their Fe and the fact they can have this innocent, untouched quality hidden in them that comes out to play in flashes. I can kind of see what you mean by the relationship not being 'conventional'. However, not expressing 'negative emotions' in demonstrative ways doesn't mean they aren't going on and being experienced internally.

Having said that, there's no need to force yourself to turn 'off' parts of yourself or 'not feel' to, hmmm, have sex with somebody? I guess I'm not really sure what your goal is. If you want to make this current situation work - you might sadly already be too late. If your feelings have become involved more to the point he is at, it's love 'em or leave 'em time. Or you can have a very blunt, poignant talk with him. I think two INXPs might be good at that.

It's completely irrational

Women/Love/Relationships are all irrational according to some people.

BTW, I was assuming you are a young lady, my apologies if you aren't.

And you don't need to apologize for your feelings. Embrace your NF side and own your feelings and honor them. Don't try to be something you are not in intimate relationships as alas, you will probably be the one getting burned when you force yourself to pretend you are detached and 'cool with things' when you aren't. That's not a type thing. That's a human thing. Pretending never makes anything more okay.

^^ BTW I would give that advice to anyone, feeler or thinker, all enneagram types, etc. Before you can deal with any feelings or emotions or even properly dismiss them you have to first acknowledge them and understand the 'why' of them. I believe that's the foundation of intrapersonal intelligence and it really helps you in life.

Every type has their own strengths and weaknesses and ways of doing things.

 

[Salomé]

What is it about NFs and asking completely the wrong questions when it comes to relationships? I thought you guys were supposed to excel in that area...

You don't want to be more NT, you just don't want to care about this person as much as you do because it's clear that he doesn't reciprocate your feelings. An NT in love is every bit as dipshit crazy as an NF. Sexual jealousy is a litmus test.

 

[goats]

This thread delivers.

How ironic, ask NTs about feelings and you get a bunch of replies.

 

[Scorquendo]

Take the test again and answer more logically.

 

[goats]

Take the test again and answer more logically.

Hahahah! This.

 

[rav3n]

You don't want to be more NT, you just don't want to care about this person as much as you do because it's clear that he doesn't reciprocate your feelings. An NT in love is every bit as dipshit crazy as an NF. Sexual jealousy is a litmus test.

This is what happened with the ex INTPs!

 

[knight]

Why would ANYONE think NT's could explain relationships and emotions in an easy to grasp language? This is the life category we fail in. Badly and often. I compartmentalize, analyze and logically look at things because we know no other way to look at them. It does not make my love life a manageable and easy thing, I assure you.

You have an INTP fuck buddy. You and he decided from the beginning to have a no strings open relationship. You don't want that anymore. You tell him that. His answer dictates your next move.

cee gave some great straight and to the point advice.

tell him you want more. I think if you been with someone long enough, you should be able to determine quickly if you like someone and see something potentially there. if he is hesitant and reluctant then You need to move on with your own life and find yourself another friend