[NT] How do I become more like an NT?

[I Never Find Peace]

INFP here. Longtime NT admirer.

I'd like more control over my emotions, especially feeling insecure, possessive, and jealous in relationships. You guys seem to have it down.

It probably comes naturally to you, but I know how good you are at breaking things down and analyzing how they work, so I trust you'll be able to explain your process.

This question is driven by the fact that I'm currently seeing this guy who is INTP, and has not a jealous bone in his body. Our relationship started as a friendship and we grew closer and it blossomed into love...but it's a different kind of love than I've ever experienced. It's got this purity to it, almost an innocence. It's strong, and true, and free of culturally-driven romantic expectations. Neither of us want to get married or have kids and we're handling it like a friendship without promises of forever. We're openly non-exclusive and we even talk to each other about the other people we date! We can talk about anything together and accept each other. We occasionally have conflicts that we are able to work through. We have a lot of fun together, and an awesome "mindmeld." And I'm just so happy! It's like being a kid again and having a bestie, except there's great sex too.

The only conflicts we've had are because I sometimes get these pangs of insecurity regarding other women he likes. It's completely irrational because

1. I accepted that he didn't want a relationship going in and agreed to his terms because the time we spend together is so great.

2. I know what he and I have is special and he's able to compartmentalize, so it's not like I'm going to be suddenly ignored in favor of someone else.

3. Our relationship is based on friendship and we both hold that to be the highest form of love.

4. I'm seeing other people too! I feel like a hypocrite.

These feelings of jealousy are surely some knee-jerk response in me that I can overcome so I can just enjoy the relationship as it is. What are some suggestions?

 

[INTPness]

I won't give you NT advice on "how to successfully have a FWB relationship" - because I personally think that these types of relationships end in disaster 100 out of 100 times. By disaster, I mean either (a) someone ends up with a broken heart and a wound to show for it, (b) they end up together but not entirely happy in the long run. That's just my take on it, so I have no NT advice on how to carry out a relationship of this nature.

What I will say about being NT is I'm not sure it can really be learned or taught. It's a mindset and if your mind isn't wired that way, it just may not come easily to you. Compartmentalizing is part of it. For me, compartmentalization is like this: One realm of my life can't always affect all the other realms of my life. If one area of my life is going poorly, I can't let it infect all the other areas of my life. If I'm having family issues, then I can't let it affect my work. If I'm having work issues, then I can't let it affect my life away from work. I have to be able to "tune things out" and still carry on with my outside activities. So, for example, in a past relationship, where I may have been having some relational difficulties, I still had to stay focused at work and I still had to take care of myself physically (exercise, go to the gym, etc), and I still needed my intellectual INTP downtime (reading, learning, etc.). So, I sort of compartmentalize. I would go to work and think solely about my work. Yes, there would be moments where I would think about the relationship problems and it would get me down (I'm human), but I have to focus on the task at hand - work. So, I have to shut it out and get back to work. I can't "lose my job" because of relational problems. So, when you're at work - you focus on work. When you're at home, you focus on your home life. When it's time to go to the gym, you focus on your workout. If I was going to focus on the problems in the relationship 24/7 (at work, at the gym, etc.), then I might as well commit myself to an insane asylum right now - cuz it's going to consume me. I don't want that so I take measures to prevent it = compartmentalize.

So, I think it's healthy to not let certain problems/issues trickle into other areas of your life. I can be having relational issues while also doing really well at work. Or I can be going really good in a relationship but struggling at work. Maybe things are poor financially, but you've recently made some really good friends. Or maybe you don't have any good friends but you're doing really well financially. One area of your life can be thriving while one area isn't. Just because you may be struggling in one area doesn't mean that everything else goes up in flames. You can still be happy "overall" - with just one aspect of your life needing improvement. If only one aspect is going poorly, it shouldn't be allowed to ruin the whole bag of apples.

With all that said, I think FWB situations are the most prone to infect other areas of your life. I think it's nearly impossible to be in a situation like that and to be unaffected by it. So, my conclusion is that in a situation like that, you almost CAN'T be NT - even if you try. Even an NT can try to be NT about it, but if he's human it's going to affect him internally. So, I don't know, you can try to learn how to be all tough-minded, but when it comes to relationships, I'm not sure that's the right approach. Relationships involve the heart and to try to ignore the heart and approach it from a "mind-only" perspective, is probably not going to end well. Do you really even want to be a rockish "nothing can touch me" NT in your relationships? That's not who you are, so it might not be good for you to even attempt that. Anytime people try to be something they aren't, it ends badly. I say leave that mindset to the NT's and focus on being the best xNFP that you can be, which is very different from what an NT is.

 

[Coriolis]

Outstanding reply.

So, my conclusion is that in a situation like that, you almost CAN'T be NT - even if you try. Even an NT can try to be NT about it, but if he's human it's going to affect him internally. So, I don't know, you can try to learn how to be all tough-minded, but when it comes to relationships, I'm not sure that's the right approach. Relationships involve the heart and to try to ignore the heart and approach it from a "mind-only" perspective, is probably not going to end well. Do you really even want to be a rockish "nothing can touch me" NT in your relationships? That's not who you are, so it might not be good for you to even attempt that. Anytime people try to be something they aren't, it ends badly. I say leave that mindset to the NT's and focus on being the best xNFP that you can be, which is very different from what an NT is.

This is who we are, which causes problems of a different sort for us. Perhaps we should learn to be a bit more NF-like, though trying to be something we are not is no better and no easier for NTs than NFs. At least I am in a relationship with another NT, so we don't usually hurt each other just by being ourselves.

 

[MoneyTick]

I won't give you NT advice on "how to successfully have a FWB relationship" - because I personally think that these types of relationships end in disaster 100 out of 100 times. By disaster, I mean either (a) someone ends up with a broken heart and a wound to show for it, (b) they end up together but not entirely happy in the long run. That's just my take on it, so I have no NT advice on how to carry out a relationship of this nature.

As quoted above, these frivolous relationships serve as nothing other than accessories for emotional detriment and personal ruin.

An open relationship is a scrappy entanglement of emotional bliss that will ultimately turn sour. For more information and vital statistics on the act of making and breaking relationships, refer to the latest federal reports and studies conducted on sexuality as published by the CDC.

The statistics, socioeconomic outlook, and academic competence of people who engage in such behavior are all narrow fences crafted by the astute hand of emotions on parade.

 

[Jessica]

INFP here. Longtime NT admirer.

I'd like more control over my emotions, especially feeling insecure, possessive, and jealous in relationships. You guys seem to have it down.

It probably comes naturally to you, but I know how good you are at breaking things down and analyzing how they work, so I trust you'll be able to explain your process.

This question is driven by the fact that I'm currently seeing this guy who is INTP, and has not a jealous bone in his body. Our relationship started as a friendship and we grew closer and it blossomed into love...but it's a different kind of love than I've ever experienced. It's got this purity to it, almost an innocence. It's strong, and true, and free of culturally-driven romantic expectations. Neither of us want to get married or have kids and we're handling it like a friendship without promises of forever. We're openly non-exclusive and we even talk to each other about the other people we date! We can talk about anything together and accept each other. We occasionally have conflicts that we are able to work through. We have a lot of fun together, and an awesome "mindmeld." And I'm just so happy! It's like being a kid again and having a bestie, except there's great sex too.

The only conflicts we've had are because I sometimes get these pangs of insecurity regarding other women he likes. It's completely irrational because

1. I accepted that he didn't want a relationship going in and agreed to his terms because the time we spend together is so great.

2. I know what he and I have is special and he's able to compartmentalize, so it's not like I'm going to be suddenly ignored in favor of someone else.

3. Our relationship is based on friendship and we both hold that to be the highest form of love.

4. I'm seeing other people too! I feel like a hypocrite.

These feelings of jealousy are surely some knee-jerk response in me that I can overcome so I can just enjoy the relationship as it is. What are some suggestions?

Kelly? Is that you?

If not, sorry, you sound like someone I used to know.

Learn big words and use them very often. As for the emotional shit, you can't do that. Doubly so in that women who are NTs still have the whole 'emotional' thing going on, so it would probably be a lot harder. A lot more emotions female NTs feel than male ones, from what I'm aware. It's probably just impossible. Or at least female NTs are more comfortable with showing emotion.

Stoicism is probably bullshit. Just be yourself.

This relationship sounds unhealthy... very. NFs, I suppose, aren't so capable of thinking 'well, maybe I'm wrong about this'. Not when the whole love thing takes over. NF love is very fast and very strong.

 

[Fluffywolf]

I agree with what most people have already said. Being an NT is not a choice for us, it is just who we are. Just like how you are an NF.

I break things down, analyze how they work and rationalize because I absolutely need to. That is my way, our way, of interacting with the world. However, as our 'framework' (the compilation of what we are) becomes more and more mature, polished and well built, it becomes more balanced to the general eye.

It's like breathing.

 

[goats]

OP, it sounds as though you seem to have stronger feelings for your INTP partner than you seem to let yourself believe. If you're jealous of him then you must care about him. If you must care about him then there might be feelings of love perhaps?

To the INTP your relationship just seems to be what you told him it is: FWB. He doesn't need to care. You provide physical satisfaction and have stated that that is all you require.

I would not recommend a FBW relationship, as others above me have also said.

 

[Coriolis]

As for the emotional shit, you can't do that. Doubly so in that women who are NTs still have the whole 'emotional' thing going on, so it would probably be a lot harder. A lot more emotions female NTs feel than male ones, from what I'm aware. It's probably just impossible. Or at least female NTs are more comfortable with showing emotion.

Hogwash. In my experience, type trumps gender, especially for NTs since we are less likely to be influenced by cultural norms and expectations. The NT women I know are not really any more emotional than the NT men. Yes, relationships may be harder for NT women than men, but that is not because the women have some "emotional thing going on", it is actually because they do not.

Stoicism is probably bullshit. Just be yourself.

For some of us, being stoic is being ourselves.

 

[ceecee]

I'd like more control over my emotions, especially feeling insecure, possessive, and jealous in relationships. You guys seem to have it down.

It probably comes naturally to you, but I know how good you are at breaking things down and analyzing how they work, so I trust you'll be able to explain your process.

Why would ANYONE think NT's could explain relationships and emotions in an easy to grasp language? This is the life category we fail in. Badly and often. I compartmentalize, analyze and logically look at things because we know no other way to look at them. It does not make my love life a manageable and easy thing, I assure you.

You have an INTP fuck buddy. You and he decided from the beginning to have a no strings open relationship. You don't want that anymore. You tell him that. His answer dictates your next move.

 

[figsfiggyfigs]

Change your profile type. No one will question it. Take my word for it.

 

[Fluffywolf]

Change your profile type. No one will question it. Take my word for it.

I tried out ENFP once, even used all the emoticons that go with it. Didn't sell though.

 

[ReflecTcelfeR]

You'll want to implant a rechargeable battery into your chest so we can remove your heart. From there... Add some circuitry from said battery to your brain, replacing the neurons. An oil tank, instead of kidney's. Filtering systems... It's gonna cost quite a bit.

 

[violet_crown]

I struggle with the concept of FWB relationships. I mean, I've had ongoing relationships with people that were purely physical, but I was basically indifferent to those people as human beings. Treating a friend like that would be unthinkable. There's clearly something that I'm missing about this whole phenomena. It basically sounds like a cute euphemism for shitting where you eat.

You'll want to implant a rechargeable battery into your chest so we can remove your heart. From there... Add some circuitry from said battery to your brain, replacing the neurons. An oil tank, instead of kidney's. Filtering systems... It's gonna cost quite a bit.

Ooh and dont forget the funny hat. The funny hat is crucial.

 

[ReflecTcelfeR]

Ooh and dont forget the funny hat. The funny hat is crucial.

It'll be SPOTTED! Or stripped? Stripped. It'll signify uniformity of thought. I can't believe I forgot about the funny hat... It's also where the true brain of the being is found. It's an evolutionary thing.

 

[violet_crown]

It'll be SPOTTED! Or stripped? Stripped. It'll signify uniformity of thought. I can't believe I forgot about the funny hat... It's also where the true brain of the being is found. It's an evolutionary thing.

I feel like there are a lot of options out there for the discerning NT:

The Bipolar Sombrero

The [MENTION=5639]JocktheMotie[/MENTION]

The Side Facehugger

 

[ReflecTcelfeR]

I'm likin' the Motie quite a bit.

Those ENTP's and their crazy sombreros.

Which crazy hat do you enjoy?

 

[Thalassa]

My answer is: please don't.

 

[violaine]

With all that said, I think FWB situations are the most prone to infect other areas of your life. I think it's nearly impossible to be in a situation like that and to be unaffected by it. So, my conclusion is that in a situation like that, you almost CAN'T be NT - even if you try. Even an NT can try to be NT about it, but if he's human it's going to affect him internally. So, I don't know, you can try to learn how to be all tough-minded, but when it comes to relationships, I'm not sure that's the right approach. Relationships involve the heart and to try to ignore the heart and approach it from a "mind-only" perspective, is probably not going to end well. Do you really even want to be a rockish "nothing can touch me" NT in your relationships? That's not who you are, so it might not be good for you to even attempt that. Anytime people try to be something they aren't, it ends badly. I say leave that mindset to the NT's and focus on being the best xNFP that you can be, which is very different from what an NT is.

This.

You have an INTP fuck buddy. You and he decided from the beginning to have a no strings open relationship. You don't want that anymore. You tell him that. His answer dictates your next move.

This.

My opinion: I think NFs can be overawed by those who can detach in these kinds of situations. And then want to follow suit. But we're different animals. NFs are invested and attached when healthy.

Iirc, you have written about this relationship before, and it's still an unnatural fit for you. This works for him, not you.

I hope you know that's ok. Can't help but think you cyclically hope for more and then squash those feelings. If so, it's because you're attached. Why else would anyone ignore the "pangs" of their real selves coming to the surface? It's fine to explore different styles of relationships, just got to make sure you don't abandon your real self in the process. I personally wouldn't sacrifice connecting at soul level with someone I'm really into for this. It seems like one half of not very much.

 

[jimrckhnd]

Why would ANYONE think NT's could explain relationships and emotions in an easy to grasp language? This is the life category we fail in. Badly and often. I compartmentalize, analyze and logically look at things because we know no other way to look at them. It does not make my love life a manageable and easy thing, I assure you.

Oh man... you aren't whistling Dixie there ceecee.

Asking an INTP for emotional life advice is like asking a squirrel about birds flying. They both live in trees but...

Compartmentalizing is a coping mechanism than an indicator of a healthy emotional life. I for one am far better at managing my emotions than actually dealing with them and compartmentalization is a key part of that management. However, eventually no matter how much energy I put into managing (suppressing) my emotional life there reaches a point I call “burn through” – when my emotions burn through all the psychological armor I put up to ward them. Depending on the stressor – thing can get really, really ugly fast. Then all the logic and analysis is not only useless in dealing with the fallout, my ability to be logical and analytical in any situation is adversely affected – very often with a pretty nasty coefficient.

 

[onemoretime]

INFP here. Longtime NT admirer.

I'd like more control over my emotions, especially feeling insecure, possessive, and jealous in relationships. You guys seem to have it down.

For the most part, we don't. We are just good at appearing that way. Promise.

It probably comes naturally to you, but I know how good you are at breaking things down and analyzing how they work, so I trust you'll be able to explain your process.

Rationalization, paralyzing fear of vulnerability.

This question is driven by the fact that I'm currently seeing this guy who is INTP, and has not a jealous bone in his body. Our relationship started as a friendship and we grew closer and it blossomed into love...but it's a different kind of love than I've ever experienced. It's got this purity to it, almost an innocence. It's strong, and true, and free of culturally-driven romantic expectations. Neither of us want to get married or have kids and we're handling it like a friendship without promises of forever. We're openly non-exclusive and we even talk to each other about the other people we date! We can talk about anything together and accept each other. We occasionally have conflicts that we are able to work through. We have a lot of fun together, and an awesome "mindmeld." And I'm just so happy! It's like being a kid again and having a bestie, except there's great sex too.

Be careful of relationships where you feel too much like a kid. Certainly, relationships have their childlike and playful facets, but ultimately, it's two adults who are in the relationship with one another. As we'll see below, you've got to be ready and secure in oneself when the more complex and ambiguous adult emotions start manifesting.

The only conflicts we've had are because I sometimes get these pangs of insecurity regarding other women he likes. It's completely irrational because

How are they irrational? They're other women, potential competitors, and it doesn't sound like you've been married for years yet. Of course, you're going to feel uncomfortable in this sort of set-up.

1. I accepted that he didn't want a relationship going in and agreed to his terms because the time we spend together is so great.

You accepted that fact at the time, but have you accepted that things have changed, and that you possibly do want a relationship now? The time you spend together may be great, but is it worth it if you're feeling miserable and jealous on his account whenever you're apart, and he doesn't care enough about your feelings to reassure you?

2. I know what he and I have is special and he's able to compartmentalize, so it's not like I'm going to be suddenly ignored in favor of someone else.

Do you really know that, though? You do not actually know what's truly going on inside of his head. No one knows that about anyone else - the best we can do is trust that others let us in to their deepest thoughts, and trust others enough to tell them ours. The feeling of trust is a feeling of security - so if you feel insecure, are you sure that he's as able to compartmentalize as you think?

3. Our relationship is based on friendship and we both hold that to be the highest form of love.

You know better than that, though. We have many friends, and we love them, but this isn't the sort of love that drives people to write songs and poetry, or to create artistic masterpieces. Furthermore, there's a reason that most married couples consider each other their best friends, but also consider their relationship to go beyond that.

4. I'm seeing other people too! I feel like a hypocrite.

This is an interesting factor. Do you want to see other people? If so, why? If not, why do you continue to see other people?

These feelings of jealousy are surely some knee-jerk response in me that I can overcome so I can just enjoy the relationship as it is. What are some suggestions?

They're much more than that. Give yourself some credit - you're feeling this way for a reason. It might be that you simply can't enjoy the relationship as it is, and what's more - there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. You feel the way that you do, and there's no one who can tell you that you're right or wrong for feeling that way.

You may, though, want to spend some time mulling over exactly what it is that you feel, what evokes those feelings within you, and what you want/need out of the relationship.