• You are currently viewing our forum as a guest, which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community, you will have access to additional post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), view blogs, respond to polls, upload content, and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please join our community today! Just click here to register. You should turn your Ad Blocker off for this site or certain features may not work properly. If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us by clicking here.

[INTJ] is this an intj thing?

Agent Jelly

New member
Joined
Jun 11, 2011
Messages
344
MBTI Type
ESTP
Enneagram
8w7
So I'm married and my husband and his family had a falling out June 15th. Basically his dad went nutzo on him and started saying WHACKY stuff like how he ruined his mothers life by joining the military, marrying me, and knocking me up before marriage. And then wanted him to seek forgiveness from his mother like she was Jesus Christ in the walking flesh. This was all because my husband asked his dad if his mom would slow down on buying second hand baby stuff.

So anyways I basically ended up sending his dad an email saying until he learns to reasonably talk to his son I don't want to be around him or his family. And I especially don't want my kid around someone who FLIPS a shit on people randomly. But I was willing to see them and talk to them again regularly if they made amends with my husband. So my husband sent him an email saying what his expectations were for the relationship between them, and how he thinks they could make it better, etc. AND WE NEVER GOT A REPLY.


So today he checks his mail box (yes like snail mail) for the first time in like two months (I sent him a package on monday). AND HE SEES HIS MOM SENT HIM A LETTER ON THE 22nd of JUNE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She was actually normal and apologized and explained she didn't expect him to understand why his dad went off because she had never explained to my husband why she was mad and that she doesn't need him or expect him to come to her for forgiveness regarding his choice to have sex before marriage etc.


And then hes like "well I will write her a letter after class" and I was like why? shes already waited 2 months for your reply, you wanna make her wait another week to get a letter?! Just make a 10 min phone call and explain to her that you just checked your mail and you're really sorry you didn't get back to her sooner and you're happy that the air has been cleared between ya'll!

It was like pulling teeth from a mule to get him to make that friggen phone call... and I was just wondering is this NORMAL? To be so absent minded and then want to prolong the situation even longer?! I explained to him that making the phone call would appear more genuine and urgent than writing a letter. and it wasn't fair to make her wait longer for the baby shower invite.

So he listened to me and actually did it, and was a lot happier that he talked to his mom.
 

Nicodemus

New member
Joined
Aug 2, 2010
Messages
9,756
shes already waited 2 months for your reply, you wanna make her wait another week to get a letter?!
The alternative perspective: What difference does it make whether it is eight or nine weeks?

It was like pulling teeth from a mule to get him to make that friggen phone call... and I was just wondering is this NORMAL? To be so absent minded and then want to prolong the situation even longer?!
Two things come to mind:

1. The interaction was e-mail-based; so that is how it shall remain.
2. Unpleasant conversations are much easier dealt with via non-personal mediums.

I do not think that his intention was to prolong the situation, but rather that he wanted to end it as comfortably for him as possible.
 

Edgar

Nerd King Usurper
Joined
Oct 25, 2008
Messages
4,266
MBTI Type
INTJ
Instinctual Variant
sx
INTJs are not big on talking in general, and this is especially evident during the times of social discomfort, e.g. a family drama with emotional bullshit. That's why his first reaction was to use a letter to reply.

Also, I realize you were trying to help him and stand up for "what's right", but I advise against getting directly involved when the in-laws are fighting. Chances are, you're going to make things a lot worse.

Edit: I see the fancy gentleman above me already provided an explanation, but I suppose my post expounds on it.
 

Agent Jelly

New member
Joined
Jun 11, 2011
Messages
344
MBTI Type
ESTP
Enneagram
8w7
The alternative perspective: What difference does it make whether it is eight or nine weeks?


Two things come to mind:

1. The interaction was e-mail-based; so that is how it shall remain.
2. Unpleasant conversations are much easier dealt with via non-personal mediums.

I do not think that his intention was to prolong the situation, but rather that he wanted to end it as comfortably for him as possible.

The difference makes that she would have to wait even longer for the details of my babyshower.
 

Agent Jelly

New member
Joined
Jun 11, 2011
Messages
344
MBTI Type
ESTP
Enneagram
8w7
INTJs are not big on talking in general, and this is especially evident during the times of social discomfort, e.g. a family drama with emotional bullshit. That's why his first reaction was to use a letter to reply.

Also, I realize you were trying to help him and stand up for "what's right", but I advise against getting directly involved when the in-laws are fighting. Chances are, you're going to make things a lot worse.

Edit: I see the fancy gentleman above me already provided an explanation, but I suppose my post expounds on it.

No I don't think I could make things worse. They are all very passive aggressive and expect everyone to have ESP about their feelings, wants, expectations. >.< I don't know why him or his family can't pick up a PHONE.
 

Nicodemus

New member
Joined
Aug 2, 2010
Messages
9,756
The difference makes that she would have to wait even longer for the details of my babyshower.
Yeah, that's...

Ugly+Star+nosed+Mole.jpg
 

ceecee

Coolatta® Enjoyer
Joined
Apr 22, 2008
Messages
15,908
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
8w9
No I don't think I could make things worse. They are all very passive aggressive and expect everyone to have ESP about their feelings, wants, expectations. >.< I don't know why him or his family can't pick up a PHONE.

Don't try to figure them out. Don't attempt examining them or trying to anticipate their behavior or direct the way your husband should handle it. This will cause you enormous grief and you will make zero progress. Type makes absolutely no difference here. You will only cause issues with your husband by getting involved with his family. Just. Don't. Do. It.

That said, INTJ's like non-verbal communication and jumping right on a situation like this is way out of our normal behavior. We have to think about it.
 

Agent Jelly

New member
Joined
Jun 11, 2011
Messages
344
MBTI Type
ESTP
Enneagram
8w7
It is not, but that is its significance: it mirrors your point.

I'm pretty sure if you were in my position it wouldn't lack significance. His family likes to know everything in advance. So 3 weeks notice is not very much for them.
 

Agent Jelly

New member
Joined
Jun 11, 2011
Messages
344
MBTI Type
ESTP
Enneagram
8w7
Don't try to figure them out. Don't attempt examining them or trying to anticipate their behavior or direct the way your husband should handle it. This will cause you enormous grief and you will make zero progress. Type makes absolutely no difference here. You will only cause issues with your husband by getting involved with his family. Just. Don't. Do. It.

That said, INTJ's like non-verbal communication and jumping right on a situation like this is way out of our normal behavior. We have to think about it.

I disagree. if you repeat the same shit over and over you aren't going to get a different result right? thats insanity. Him and his parents both have said they appreciate my directness and they think I will be able to help them get closer by sorting things out from a different approach. Refusing to face the music no matter who you are is not going to help you. Holding in feelings and exploding randomly is not healthy but very common.

I really hate the whole "don't get involved" bullshit. Everyone played that card except ONE family when my mom was abusing me. Sometimes getting involved is better than watching people get hurt, or relationships destruct. And its not like I don't consult my husband before I approach his family. Everything I say to them or do is approved by him and vice versa. We have a very open relationship.
 

ceecee

Coolatta® Enjoyer
Joined
Apr 22, 2008
Messages
15,908
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
8w9
I disagree. if you repeat the same shit over and over you aren't going to get a different result right? thats insanity. Him and his parents both have said they appreciate my directness and they think I will be able to help them get closer by sorting things out from a different approach. Refusing to face the music no matter who you are is not going to help you. Holding in feelings and exploding randomly is not healthy but very common.

I really hate the whole "don't get involved" bullshit. Everyone played that card except ONE family when my mom was abusing me. Sometimes getting involved is better than watching people get hurt, or relationships destruct. And its not like I don't consult my husband before I approach his family. Everything I say to them or do is approved by him and vice versa. We have a very open relationship.

Getting involved in an abusive situation and getting involved with your husband's family are two totally different things. Directness is one thing. Domineering is another and even if you continue doing the exact same thing, over time, that is how it could be viewed by them. I'm just saying I have seen this happen almost exactly the way you're describing.
 
T

ThatGirl

Guest
Only read the op.

It isn't very INTJ to write out an email or handle the situation the way you did. So you took the reigns, took an offensive stance, then turned it to your man to make ammends quickly....I smell feeler. Lol.

Seriously it doesn't surprise me he wasn't that quick to respond seeing as how it wasn't really his fight.
 
R

ReflecTcelfeR

Guest
I see forgetfulness. Unless he meant to avoid his e-mail I would say this was a fluke.
 

Kalach

Filthy Apes!
Joined
Dec 3, 2008
Messages
4,310
MBTI Type
INTJ
First instinct: that mother and father got a lifeline back into their son's life because your husband, at your urging, allowed them back into the realm of the immediate.

Should they thank you? If he had written instead of spoken, he would no doubt have thought long and hard about what he said expressed and probably would have made some excellent organisational and maybe even moral points, but he would also have been relegating them to the outer world. Who knows for sure, but one might guess that the message he would have been sending would amount to the ever popular INTJ-meets-world message: back off, I'm not going to impose on you so I'll expect in return that you not impose on me. But instead he called, and they were allowed back in the realm where they can try things again.

If he had been allowed to continue adding distance to his relationship with his parents, it's not guaranteed that eventually there would have been no contact at all. He may have decided later that there would be some utility in having them near again. Baby sitting, perhaps. Or infant tending knowledge. Or even some wider moral fabric thing of connection in families via blood that would be valuable to the child itself.
 

Coriolis

Si vis pacem, para bellum
Staff member
Joined
Apr 18, 2010
Messages
27,230
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
5w6
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
To me, a snail-mail letter on paper takes more effort and has the potential to be either more formal, or more personal, than either a phone call or an email. I would see it as a courtesy to respond in kind to such a communication, UNLESS time was of the essence. Then, I would probably do the expedient thing (call or email), but follow up with the paper response. We would have to know more about the communication patterns of this family to know whether sending a letter was creating more distance, or being respectful of the recipient's comfort level.
 

Not_Me

New member
Joined
Jan 16, 2008
Messages
1,641
MBTI Type
INTj
Your husband seems to be passive and non-self sufficient when it comes to relating to his parents and probably to people in general. I think his behavior is more related to an underdeveloped emotional IQ than to type. This is an area where you can help.

On the other hand, I often prefer written to verbal communication. I think it's an introvert thing. We prefer to think things through before communicating to others.
 
Top