Hi all, first post on this forum so I'm sorry if I post this in the wrong thread or if I f anything up. Actually this my first time posting on ANY forum so bear with me. I really need to talk about my problems with someone. So...
I'm 17 years old and I've tested as an INTP with rather low P but all my other percentages are high.
This past year I went into a depression; I didn't want to go out and see anyone (but still forced myself to because I knew sulking at home wouldn't help), despite my misanthropic opinions, I lost interest in all the fun activities I use to enjoy, I was unable to feel any sort of intense happiness and if I did, it would be short-lived and low-key, my high self-esteem (close to narcissism in the past) was slowly deteriorating. I would mostly stay at home and not see anyone or talk to anyone. I was going through a lot of hateful thoughts about how superficial my relationships were with my friends, and brooded over how my "close" friends were all arrogant and selfish assholes (except one guy, he was chiiiiiiiill). I also hated myself because I hated everyone else and thought that I was weak for sinking into depression and getting down because of other people which in turn made me hate other people more (vicious fucking cycle I really need help getting out of this loophole).
And then I met a girl. She was attractive, fun and had a great personality. We used to be friends before when I wasn't depressed and generally a nice/positive person to be around. So when summer break started her boyfriend left to China to train for Badminton and she asked to hang out with me. I had a bit of a crush on her before but I was aiming for a strictly platonic relationship that would give me something to think about in the day and give me some glimmer of happiness in my dark days.
You can probably see where this is going.
I began to develop feelings for her. I thought about her everyday and looked forward to hearing from her via texts/msn/calls. I visited her at work, and felt overjoyed when she told me that she misses me, or that she enjoys talking to me. We flirted a bit in the past for fun and we continued to do so. She told me about problems with her boyfriend. He was calling her stupid, fat and never really listened to what she had to say. He was a total asshole and didn't deserve a girl like her. So I gave her advice to break up with him. I tried to maintain an objective position when giving advising her and thought it was the best thing for her. Her best friend also agreed with me that they should break it off. So they went on a break for awhile and I decided it would be okay to indulge in my growing feelings for her.
One night we decided to get drunk at a school near her house. She brought ten beers for us (we lightweights) and she got pretty wasted on that. We started getting a bit physical but she stopped me before anything happen. She confessed to me that she cheated on her boyfriend a few weeks ago and felt terrible about it. She explained to me that she was angry and frustrated at her boyfriend at the time and that the guy she cheated on him with was a good friend, and had recently suffered a break up from a long term relationship, and she felt like she could relate to him on that level, and that she wanted to "help" him get over his ex. She regretted it immensely and cried a lot. That night I confessed I had grown feelings for her and she told me that I'm her best friend and she didn't want to lose me.
Over the next week I was debating about cutting her loose. I told her a few times I was but gave in from boredom and strong feelings. I missed her immensely. She told me she wouldn't ever develop feelings for me and I believed her. So I tried to repress my feelings as best I could and tried to be there for her, as a friend.
I hung out with her for another week. She told me that her and her boyfriend had made up, and that she was going to stay with him. She says that she is deeply in love with him, and that she fears that if she breaks up with him that no one else will ever love her as he did, and that even though he isn't perfect, he's worth it.
I thought this was the most fucking retarded thing I had ever heard. Clearly, my views on love were a lot different than hers. She's emotionally needy, and way too dependent on her boyfriend and he treats her like crap, completely undermining her and destroying her self-esteem. He is obsessive and she is too. They get jealous over each other all the time and she even cheated on him! *rage* How could I fall for such a fucked-up girl?
Did I mention she is intensely selfish? I am her "bestfriend" but all she ever does is talk to me about what SHE wants, and we only do what she wants. Perhaps I was okay with this at first because I was trying to attract her and make her happy and stuff or maybe I am intensely selfish too. But I feel like she doesn't care about me at all and only uses as me as an object to vent her problems to and to pass time when her boyfriend isn't here. Also, last night we planned to go to a nightclub with a couple friends and she complained the entire time outside the door that she didnt' want to go because it was too expensive. We ended up leaving because of her and chilling at a beach instead. She wasn't even sorry.
I don't understand it. How, how, how on earth did I fall for this girl? Why do I still care about her? Even though I practically despise her I still care about her deeply and don't want to see her unhappy or fuck up her relationship with her boyfriend. Last night she was trying to get a number of this hot black dude and she was getting hit on hardcore by this other guy and I wasn't enjoying myself beacuse of it.
I want to drop this relationship. I want these stupid feelings to go away. How do I do this? She says I'm her best friend but this relationship is one-sided. I get nothing out of it other than a cool person to hang out with. And, she isn't that cool nowadays. Also, when we hang out in groups I'm generally a wall flower and she doesn't try to talk to me much. I work with her so I'm thinking about just declining her future invitations to hang out and slowly breaking off contact with her. I don't want to hear about her problems because I well feel bad. I think about her way too often too. I kind of just want to go out and party a lot and fuck a few random chicks (I don't live this type of lifestyle actually).