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  1. #1
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    Default Why do I care about this stupid girl?

    Hi all, first post on this forum so I'm sorry if I post this in the wrong thread or if I f anything up. Actually this my first time posting on ANY forum so bear with me. I really need to talk about my problems with someone. So...

    I'm 17 years old and I've tested as an INTP with rather low P but all my other percentages are high.

    This past year I went into a depression; I didn't want to go out and see anyone (but still forced myself to because I knew sulking at home wouldn't help), despite my misanthropic opinions, I lost interest in all the fun activities I use to enjoy, I was unable to feel any sort of intense happiness and if I did, it would be short-lived and low-key, my high self-esteem (close to narcissism in the past) was slowly deteriorating. I would mostly stay at home and not see anyone or talk to anyone. I was going through a lot of hateful thoughts about how superficial my relationships were with my friends, and brooded over how my "close" friends were all arrogant and selfish assholes (except one guy, he was chiiiiiiiill). I also hated myself because I hated everyone else and thought that I was weak for sinking into depression and getting down because of other people which in turn made me hate other people more (vicious fucking cycle I really need help getting out of this loophole).

    And then I met a girl. She was attractive, fun and had a great personality. We used to be friends before when I wasn't depressed and generally a nice/positive person to be around. So when summer break started her boyfriend left to China to train for Badminton and she asked to hang out with me. I had a bit of a crush on her before but I was aiming for a strictly platonic relationship that would give me something to think about in the day and give me some glimmer of happiness in my dark days.

    You can probably see where this is going.

    I began to develop feelings for her. I thought about her everyday and looked forward to hearing from her via texts/msn/calls. I visited her at work, and felt overjoyed when she told me that she misses me, or that she enjoys talking to me. We flirted a bit in the past for fun and we continued to do so. She told me about problems with her boyfriend. He was calling her stupid, fat and never really listened to what she had to say. He was a total asshole and didn't deserve a girl like her. So I gave her advice to break up with him. I tried to maintain an objective position when giving advising her and thought it was the best thing for her. Her best friend also agreed with me that they should break it off. So they went on a break for awhile and I decided it would be okay to indulge in my growing feelings for her.

    One night we decided to get drunk at a school near her house. She brought ten beers for us (we lightweights) and she got pretty wasted on that. We started getting a bit physical but she stopped me before anything happen. She confessed to me that she cheated on her boyfriend a few weeks ago and felt terrible about it. She explained to me that she was angry and frustrated at her boyfriend at the time and that the guy she cheated on him with was a good friend, and had recently suffered a break up from a long term relationship, and she felt like she could relate to him on that level, and that she wanted to "help" him get over his ex. She regretted it immensely and cried a lot. That night I confessed I had grown feelings for her and she told me that I'm her best friend and she didn't want to lose me.

    Over the next week I was debating about cutting her loose. I told her a few times I was but gave in from boredom and strong feelings. I missed her immensely. She told me she wouldn't ever develop feelings for me and I believed her. So I tried to repress my feelings as best I could and tried to be there for her, as a friend.

    I hung out with her for another week. She told me that her and her boyfriend had made up, and that she was going to stay with him. She says that she is deeply in love with him, and that she fears that if she breaks up with him that no one else will ever love her as he did, and that even though he isn't perfect, he's worth it.

    I thought this was the most fucking retarded thing I had ever heard. Clearly, my views on love were a lot different than hers. She's emotionally needy, and way too dependent on her boyfriend and he treats her like crap, completely undermining her and destroying her self-esteem. He is obsessive and she is too. They get jealous over each other all the time and she even cheated on him! *rage* How could I fall for such a fucked-up girl?

    Did I mention she is intensely selfish? I am her "bestfriend" but all she ever does is talk to me about what SHE wants, and we only do what she wants. Perhaps I was okay with this at first because I was trying to attract her and make her happy and stuff or maybe I am intensely selfish too. But I feel like she doesn't care about me at all and only uses as me as an object to vent her problems to and to pass time when her boyfriend isn't here. Also, last night we planned to go to a nightclub with a couple friends and she complained the entire time outside the door that she didnt' want to go because it was too expensive. We ended up leaving because of her and chilling at a beach instead. She wasn't even sorry.

    I don't understand it. How, how, how on earth did I fall for this girl? Why do I still care about her? Even though I practically despise her I still care about her deeply and don't want to see her unhappy or fuck up her relationship with her boyfriend. Last night she was trying to get a number of this hot black dude and she was getting hit on hardcore by this other guy and I wasn't enjoying myself beacuse of it.

    I want to drop this relationship. I want these stupid feelings to go away. How do I do this? She says I'm her best friend but this relationship is one-sided. I get nothing out of it other than a cool person to hang out with. And, she isn't that cool nowadays. Also, when we hang out in groups I'm generally a wall flower and she doesn't try to talk to me much. I work with her so I'm thinking about just declining her future invitations to hang out and slowly breaking off contact with her. I don't want to hear about her problems because I well feel bad. I think about her way too often too. I kind of just want to go out and party a lot and fuck a few random chicks (I don't live this type of lifestyle actually).

    *steam*

  2. #2
    Senior Member King sns's Avatar
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    You both sound pretty normal to me. I know that doesn't help at all, I'm not really sure what to tell you. It's just one of those tricky situations. It sounds like she kind of needs you, and you may need her in some way, too. I'm not sure how to break something like this off, but wanted to pay homage to your thread since I read the whole thing. (Didn't want to ignore it because I wasn't sure what to say.)
    06/13 10:51:03 five sounds: you!!!
    06/13 10:51:08 shortnsweet: no you!!
    06/13 10:51:12 shortnsweet: go do your things and my things too!
    06/13 10:51:23 five sounds: oh hell naw
    06/13 10:51:55 shortnsweet: !!!!
    06/13 10:51:57 shortnsweet: (cries)
    06/13 10:52:19 RiftsWRX: You two are like furbies stuck in a shoe box

    My Nohari
    My Johari
    by sns.

  3. #3
    Dreaming the life onemoretime's Avatar
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    I hear ya, brother. My advice is to start focusing inward - who are you, what do you like about yourself, what are things you want to improve, etc. Seventeen is a tricky age, so don't beat yourself up too much over it. Also, think about why you want to be around this girl - even if you like her as a person, do you like it when the two of you are together, especially including those times she is disrespectful of your emotions? Think about how well you know the girl, truly - these sorts of relationship dynamics don't just arise out of nowhere.

    Above all, have hope - things get better, I promise.

  4. #4
    Nips away your dignity Fluffywolf's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by onemoretime View Post
    Above all, have hope - things get better, I promise.
    Do they really? :P

    Anyway, I'd suggest finding someone or something else to focus your 'feelings' on while keeping in contact with the girl, clearly she's useful to you as a friend (as you have been for many years now) and that's not something that should be discarded just because you're feeling uncomfortable now. Considering that she is however not really your romantic match, I'd say most of your feelings are probably hormone bursts and not deepseated love. You have feelings for her but don't like being around her, because your peepee isn't getting the attention it feels it deserves.

    Because I'll let you know, I once loved someone, and that is not love.
    ~Self-depricating Megalomaniacal Superwolf

  5. #5
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    I don't have any real friends. I have a negative view on most of my friends. Probably because of my previous "best" friends that betrayed me so immaturely. I don't think I NEED a good friend. I mean, I love most of my friends and they are fun to be around and get hammered, play video games and stuff. But I don't think I need a CLOSE FRIEND. I like to be independent and have lots of privacy and I also have really high standards for people around me (not a good thing).

    Like, the stuff that she knows about me and the stuff that I know about her is really intimate and stuff that I have never told anyone and she has never told anyone. I feel like, because we know all this stuff about each other it's difficult to take a step back and just be friends. You're right though, fluffywolf, it does sound silly now that I am discarding this friendship because I feel uncomfortable now. I'll think about concentrating on something else. Although I'm already trying to do that. It's hard for me to get interested in new people though. Being social ain't my specialty.

    You have feelings for her but don't like being around her, because your peepee isn't getting the attention it feels it deserves.
    Hahahaha. Probably some sad truth in that.

    I don't like being around her when she's being selfish and emotionally irrational or needy.


    I just really needed to get that out. I feel much better now. It's strange, after I met her I have found that I'm much more emotional nowadays. I'm still constantly lost in thought but I find that the emptiness that use to pervade through my everyday life, has been replaced by some very confusing and at time unidentifiable emotions. These emotions are really screwing with my decision making and has gotten me even more indecisive than my usual self. But they are a nice change.
    Last edited by Kirby; 08-01-2011 at 03:51 PM. Reason: premature epostculation

  6. #6
    Senior Member King sns's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kirby View Post
    I don't have any real friends. I have a negative view on most of my friends. Probably because of my previous "best" friends that betrayed me so immaturely. I don't think I NEED a good friend. I mean, I love most of my friends and they are fun to be around and get hammered, play video games and stuff. But I don't think I need a CLOSE FRIEND. I like to be independent and have lots of privacy and I also have really high standards for people around me (not a good thing).

    Like, the stuff that she knows about me and the stuff that I know about her is really intimate and stuff that I have never told anyone and she has never told anyone. I feel like, because we know all this stuff about each other it's difficult to take a step back and just be friends. You're right though, fluffywolf, it does sound silly now that I am discarding this friendship because I feel uncomfortable now. I'll think about concentrating on something else. Although I'm already trying to do that. It's hard for me to get interested in new people though. Being social ain't my specialty.



    Hahahaha. Probably some sad truth in that.

    I don't like being around her when she's being selfish and emotionally irrational or needy.


    I just really needed to get that out. I feel much better now. It's strange, after I met her I have found that I'm much more emotional nowadays. I'm still constantly lost in thought but I find that the emptiness that use to pervade through my everyday life, has been replaced by some very confusing and at time unidentifiable emotions. These emotions are really screwing with my decision making and has gotten me even more indecisive than my usual self. But they are a nice change.
    You actually strongly remind me of myself at 17. I found that it was hard to find the right friends in highschool- couldn't really stand my friends, though I had plenty. Communication barriers of just being teens I guess. At this age, I don't associate with most of them. Anyway, I was always depressed, too. For a year or so at the end of hs, ended up in a deep depression. Only truly bonded with one unhealthy male ISTP for a while, who I truly needed. I don't know if it was the lack of freedom or what, but I think I get where you're coming from.
    06/13 10:51:03 five sounds: you!!!
    06/13 10:51:08 shortnsweet: no you!!
    06/13 10:51:12 shortnsweet: go do your things and my things too!
    06/13 10:51:23 five sounds: oh hell naw
    06/13 10:51:55 shortnsweet: !!!!
    06/13 10:51:57 shortnsweet: (cries)
    06/13 10:52:19 RiftsWRX: You two are like furbies stuck in a shoe box

    My Nohari
    My Johari
    by sns.

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by shortnsweet View Post
    You actually strongly remind me of myself at 17. I found that it was hard to find the right friends in highschool- couldn't really stand my friends, though I had plenty. Communication barriers of just being teens I guess. At this age, I don't associate with most of them. Anyway, I was always depressed, too. For a year or so at the end of hs, ended up in a deep depression. Only truly bonded with one unhealthy male ISTP for a while, who I truly needed. I don't know if it was the lack of freedom or what, but I think I get where you're coming from.
    Yes, if communication was an easy thing I think I could relate to people better and probably make more friends.

    If I may ask, how did you get out of your depression? Was it gradual? Did a close one help you through?

  8. #8
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    Oh I just had a random thought:

    How do you accurately type someone you know? Several people on the forum talk about their fellow acquaintances while referring to them by their type. Do you guys get your friends to do a test online? Or are you just making logical guesses?

  9. #9
    Nips away your dignity Fluffywolf's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kirby View Post
    Oh I just had a random thought:

    How do you accurately type someone you know? Several people on the forum talk about their fellow acquaintances while referring to them by their type. Do you guys get your friends to do a test online? Or are you just making logical guesses?
    In most cases it's pretty easy to spot typical traits in people to allow them to type them based on observed behaviour. But the older and more balanced/mature someone gets, the harder it is to type them, in my experience.
    ~Self-depricating Megalomaniacal Superwolf

  10. #10
    Senior Member King sns's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kirby View Post
    Yes, if communication was an easy thing I think I could relate to people better and probably make more friends.

    If I may ask, how did you get out of your depression? Was it gradual? Did a close one help you through?
    Graduated and moved, got a new job. It was a sudden improvement.
    06/13 10:51:03 five sounds: you!!!
    06/13 10:51:08 shortnsweet: no you!!
    06/13 10:51:12 shortnsweet: go do your things and my things too!
    06/13 10:51:23 five sounds: oh hell naw
    06/13 10:51:55 shortnsweet: !!!!
    06/13 10:51:57 shortnsweet: (cries)
    06/13 10:52:19 RiftsWRX: You two are like furbies stuck in a shoe box

    My Nohari
    My Johari
    by sns.

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