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  1. #31
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    I agree with Oaky. You'll save yourself a lot of time and heartache if you decide to stop wallowing in what's bad for you as soon as you can. You haven't made friendship with this girl sound like a particularly rewarding experience apart from some temporary feeling of gratification when you were first flirting, so there's apparently very little reason to cling onto her on that account. From the description, she sounds like an emotional leech, and while I'm sure she has her own story and needs support and help and affection as well, you shouldn't have to provide that at personal expense to yourself.

    I'm sorry you feel crappy and I know you can't switch off emotions just because you want to but gradually phasing out contact with her (or doing it in one fell swoop) does seem to be the wisest course of action.

  2. #32
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Oakysage View Post
    If you will suffer around her and you have no chance to get her to reciprocate similar feelings towards you with your current relationship status with her then kill it. Simply do not be her friend.
    I actually kind of agree with this. I know I wouldn't be able to be a 'friend' with a guy who I truly harbored romantic feelings for and wished for it to go beyond friendship. And it's not something I'd be able to suddenly turn off. Once feelings enter the picture, ability to be a friend without motive/desire for something else goes completely out the window. There's just no way, for me at least. I've sincerely tried it before...I'm not cut out for it or capable of it. There's no getting over the feelings unless I extricate them from my life for quite some time, so that the feelings no longer exist. The feelings don't go away while I'm still interacting with them / attempting to maintain the 'friendship'.
    "...On and on and on and on he strode, far out over the sands, singing wildly to the sea, crying to greet the advent of the life that had cried to him." - James Joyce

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  3. #33
    Nips away your dignity Fluffywolf's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by onemoretime View Post
    It's not worth the cost. The world's too big, with too many people, to waste time pining over someone who's going to take that much effort at best, and probably won't ever happen.
    No one said anything was ever going to happen, this is about friendship, not hanging on to someone ust incase there is a romantic future.



    Quote Originally Posted by onemoretime View Post
    And our friend Kirby here is at the point where what he needs most is to live his own life, without needing to validate it through the opinions of others. His happiness should not depend on the judgment of what appears to be a very confused young woman.
    I completely agree with you there, but I fail to see how this has anything to do with the issue at hand.




    Quote Originally Posted by onemoretime View Post
    Yes, but this is spectacularly hard to do when you're 17.
    I'm not so sure it is that hard for an INTP. It requires time and reflecting. But I think the alternative is harder.
    ~Self-depricating Megalomaniacal Superwolf

  4. #34
    Nips away your dignity Fluffywolf's Avatar
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    Yeah well, Ti says you're all pussies.

    Anyway, you've got a lot of input and something to ponder about @Kirby, do what you think is best.
    ~Self-depricating Megalomaniacal Superwolf

  5. #35
    violaine
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    OP: Have you considered that you might be attached to the habit of thinking about and being with her because it helped you when you were depressed? Thinking about her a lot stopped you from feeling down. It's as though you've conditioned yourself to have a lot of positive associations with regard to her. In any case, it sounds like the friendship has outlived it's usefulness. I'd just find other interesting people to hang out with and stop thinking about her. That will break the mental habit.

  6. #36
    Nips away your dignity Fluffywolf's Avatar
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    It must be so easy to be a type that isn't INTP. :P
    ~Self-depricating Megalomaniacal Superwolf

  7. #37
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    Lol, we all have our foibles.

  8. #38
    Dreaming the life onemoretime's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fluffywolf View Post
    No one said anything was ever going to happen, this is about friendship, not hanging on to someone ust incase there is a romantic future.
    As @cascadeco mentioned, once feelings have developed, they don't exactly just go away. Rejection really stings, and people have a habit of holding out hope for love where reason would have given up much earlier. The pattern shifts quickly from a healthy one based on mutual respect and esteem, to one of dysfunction and codependency.

    I completely agree with you there, but I fail to see how this has anything to do with the issue at hand.
    Certainly, if he's sticking around, he likes the girl and wants her to like him back, and that this would make him feel better about himself. Instead, he should concentrate on improving himself, and if she's attracted to him, she'll let him know somehow. Furthermore, if he wants to be a friend, this is how one goes about being a better friend to others.

    I'm not so sure it is that hard for an INTP. It requires time and reflecting. But I think the alternative is harder.
    Exactly the opposite. It requires not thinking so damn much. It requires being comfortable enough in your own skin to just be.

  9. #39
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fluffywolf View Post
    It must be so easy to be a type that isn't INTP. :P
    Bah you could say this about any type. I've sometimes thought it would be so nice to not feel so deeply and especially not to be so open about my emotions, like I'm embarrassed of it, but then I think no that's not true because feeling deeply is a huge part of who I am and even what I'm good at.

    Sometimes our biggest strength is also our biggest flaw, depending on how it's channeled. Everybody has vulnerable points.

  10. #40
    Nips away your dignity Fluffywolf's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by onemoretime View Post
    As @cascadeco mentioned, once feelings have developed, they don't exactly just go away. Rejection really stings, and people have a habit of holding out hope for love where reason would have given up much earlier. The pattern shifts quickly from a healthy one based on mutual respect and esteem, to one of dysfunction and codependency.



    Certainly, if he's sticking around, he likes the girl and wants her to like him back, and that this would make him feel better about himself. Instead, he should concentrate on improving himself, and if she's attracted to him, she'll let him know somehow. Furthermore, if he wants to be a friend, this is how one goes about being a better friend to others.



    Exactly the opposite. It requires not thinking so damn much. It requires being comfortable enough in your own skin to just be.
    Yeah, but, dude, INTP, thinking is what we do. What we love to do. And I sympathize with cascadeco's example, and I applaud her courage to at least try it, and once she realized there wasn't any salvation for her she decided the other option. But emotion wise, INTP and INFJ are two entirely different creatures.
    ~Self-depricating Megalomaniacal Superwolf

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