[NT] Personal Feedback (not just for NTs)

[Coriolis]

How much feedback do you get about how you come across to others, and the effects of your behavior on them? What kind of feedback is it: direct, as when someone tells you, "you're always so helpful", or "it bothers me when you do X"; or indirect, where you have to read into people's expressions, body language, etc. what they are not saying in words? Do you care about getting this kind of feedback? How, if at all, do you use it?

I put this in the NT forum because I suspect we are the least attuned to whatever feedback may be directed our way, but I encourage replies from and about all types.

 

[apotheosis29]

I don't seek out any feedback. I'm highly introverted so there are few close enough to me that would give me negative feedback like "it bothers me when you do x". When I have gotten negative feedback, I try to adjust my personality accordingly, if I agree with their assessment. As for getting feedback from body language, I'd say I'm pretty much oblivious to it. If I wanted to pay attention to it, I'm sure I could, but I just don't care enough to interpret indirect communication.

Receiving positive feedback is a nice thing but it's not something I crave for or need for every little thing. I remember I had this friend who said that she was always making the wrong decisions and she was impressed that I typically had my life in order. She said that she was going to come to me for every decision from now on, including where to eat for dinner. I took that as a compliment. That lasted about all of 5 minutes until I suggested somewhere she didn't want to eat...ha ha, oh well.

 

[alakazam]

Hm. Well, I'm very introverted, but I'll seek out feedback from anyone about whom I care (which, actually, I'm doing right now).

I've also studied body language so I can pick up on other things too...

Naturally, I don't 'pick up' on anything usually. No subtle hints, etc. If someone gives me positive feedback, I hardly ever respond because I don't want to look arrogant (which might actually have that effect anyway). When I get negative feedback, how seriously I ponder over it depends entirely upon my view of their competence in that area....

 

[Fluffywolf]

In my line of work and customer relations, I get a lot of positive feedback. But I can't say I am my true self around customers. I'm after their monies after all. So I'm not sure they really count.

In my more personal life, I don't seem to get feedback ever. Maybe because I don't chase it. I don't know.

I won't say I don't enjoy getting good feedback, because I do. It makes me feel all gooy inside! But I also do not require it, because ultimately, I will have an opinion of my own that will matter much more to me than anyone elses.

 

[funkadelik]

I feel like I'm pretty sensitive to what people think of me, but more sensitive to the "unspoken" things they're thinking.

If someone came up to me and said "I think you are a big, mean, egotistical JERK" I'd probably be a lot more like "eh, whatever" than if I sensed they felt that, but weren't saying anything directly to my face.

In general, though, I LOVE getting positive feedback. Yum yum. But negative feedback doesn't phase me as much, emotionally. In a way, I tend to prefer negative feedback ("this is what I think you could do better") because it doesn't affect me as much emotionally (I feel like it's more constructive).

I get positive feedback and I feel so good about it that I don't think about what I can improve on ("ohhh yeah, I'm the shit! That guy just reinforced it!"). And I LOVE dynamic growth.

 

[Rasofy]

I've worked on a government facility where I had to attend people with every kind of problems. Some were getting death threats, some were needing expensive medicine they couldn't survive without, some had got their land stolen. My INFP co-worker once told me ''I was imagining you attending those people. They talking about their problems and you *slang for not caring*''. I asked her what could I do besides taking notes and sending it to the prossecutors. Then, she agreed that crying instead of taking notes was definitely a bad idea. I'm really bad at empathizing, but it never occurred that I was giving this image.

 

[ThatGirl]

People don't seem to have a big problem telling or showing what they think/feel about me. Unless they say it directly though, I just pretend not to notice.

 

[Coriolis]

Thanks for all the replies.

I don't seek out any feedback. I'm highly introverted so there are few close enough to me that would give me negative feedback like "it bothers me when you do x". When I have gotten negative feedback, I try to adjust my personality accordingly, if I agree with their assessment. As for getting feedback from body language, I'd say I'm pretty much oblivious to it. If I wanted to pay attention to it, I'm sure I could, but I just don't care enough to interpret indirect communication.

So you do not get much feedback, especially negative, from people who are not close to you? Why do you think this is so? I am not including work-related feedback from your boss/teachers here.

Naturally, I don't 'pick up' on anything usually. No subtle hints, etc. If someone gives me positive feedback, I hardly ever respond because I don't want to look arrogant (which might actually have that effect anyway). When I get negative feedback, how seriously I ponder over it depends entirely upon my view of their competence in that area....

How do you evaluate feedback that is less about competence or skill than about personal qualities - like your honesty, reliability, conversational manner, etc.? Are there areas that you are more willing to entertain feedback on than others?

In my more personal life, I don't seem to get feedback ever. Maybe because I don't chase it. I don't know.

I won't say I don't enjoy getting good feedback, because I do. It makes me feel all gooy inside! But I also do not require it, because ultimately, I will have an opinion of my own that will matter much more to me than anyone elses.

The highlighted has been my experience as well, though I have often wondered why. I agree about positive feedback. It can actually make me rather suspicious, depending on the source and the circumstances.

I feel like I'm pretty sensitive to what people think of me, but more sensitive to the "unspoken" things they're thinking.

If someone came up to me and said "I think you are a big, mean, egotistical JERK" I'd probably be a lot more like "eh, whatever" than if I sensed they felt that, but weren't saying anything directly to my face.

What clues you in to the "unspoken" things people might be thinking? Do you ever get confirmation that your interpretation of their thoughts is correct? This is something I have often wondered about. Do you prefer feedback that is specific, either positive or negative (e.g. rather than just telling you you are a jerk, someone should explain what they are upset at y ou about)?

 

[ThatGirl]

And thank YOU, for not responding to my post!

 

[Rasofy]

And thank YOU, for not responding to my post!

Welcome to the club.

 

[ThatGirl]

Welcome to the club.

Lol!

 

[alakazam]

How do you evaluate feedback that is less about competence or skill than about personal qualities - like your honesty, reliability, conversational manner, etc.? Are there areas that you are more willing to entertain feedback on than others?

Those types of things are awkward because my instinctive response is "I know." I honestly don't know if there's a normal way I respond to any particular person or any particular compliment...

 

[funkadelik]

What clues you in to the "unspoken" things people might be thinking? Do you ever get confirmation that your interpretation of their thoughts is correct? This is something I have often wondered about. Do you prefer feedback that is specific, either positive or negative (e.g. rather than just telling you you are a jerk, someone should explain what they are upset at y ou about)?

Good question. Hm...what are some clues? It depends on the person, really. It depends on their personality. A gentler person with an attitude of conflict-avoidance will act differently than someone gregarious and loud-spoken. It's hard to describe. And as for confirmation that your assumptions are correct, sometimes there are none (usually happens with people I'm not as close to), but generally if I sense someone has something wrong with me and I just ask them, they'll tell me and we can work it out together. I can't stand any of that "you should be able to tell what I'm mad about" business. I can sense if someone is mad or hurt, but I rarely know why. And I rarely know how to fix it without the other person giving me some kind of information.

I guess one big "unspoken" thing I notice is that when people disagree (but aren't a confrontational kind of person) they will become really quiet and uninvolved. That can really simmer under my skin. I guess I just feel like when people withhold information from me that they're secretly judging me with no chance for us to talk about that judgment. I definitely prefer specific feedback. General feedback I tend to ignore because I tend to think people who give general feedback are either just nagging for the sake of nagging (negative) or just buttering me up (positive). It's not always the case, but I just think of general feedback as kind of useless.

That's why if someone came up to me and told me I was a jerk, without giving reasons, I'd be less inclined to be offended (anybody can make a claim, but how are you going to back up that claim?). I guess that's why when people withhold their opinions from me, I'm not sure if their feedback is going to be general or really, really specific and if it's really, really specific then I might be in some deep poo.

 

[Kasper]

I often seek feedback on how others perceive me as I have no way of seeing that side of myself unless I am told.

It doesn't tend to be given to me unless I seek it out, according to those I ask I come across as self confident, and to those who don't know me well I also come across as unapproachable therefore they think telling me how I am perceived will not be welcomed.

I will constantly check where I stand in non-direct ways as well and take feedback from how people say things and body language etc.

I need external feedback. I am extrovert.

 

[Moxiest]

ENTP's: crack me up, I can't take the REALLY long debates, or too much conflict for too long... both make me want to cry... their humor keeps me sane.

INTP's: I am not sure if you could get closer to perfection..... I have a bit of a soft spot for INTP's...

ENTJ's: Don't seem comfortable with initiating physical affection, or even being a part of it... is this just my experience? VERY uncomfortable with their emotions! WOW! Seem to like to follow the rules, are always on time... can be alot of fun- I love having conversations with ENTJ's

INTJ's: I have one INTJ friend. He seems a little passive aggressive. I am guessing that he is not the same as all INTJ's... seems to always be plotting/planning. Very into watches (I'm guessing most have a hobby/collection of sorts?) I definitely enjoy their very rational way of picking people apart. LOVE to analyze people with him... also love how matter of fact he is

 

[Coriolis]

People don't seem to have a big problem telling or showing what they think/feel about me. Unless they say it directly though, I just pretend not to notice.

And thank YOU, for not responding to my post!

You are quite welcome, assuming that is what you prefer. If I had a dollar for each of my posts that have gone unanswered, I could at least take a nice vacation, but then I generally prefer a delayed reply, or even no reply, over a hasty and ill-considered one.

I have been mulling over the variety of experiences reported (thanks, everyone - whether listed here or not): Apotheosis and Fluffywolf seem to get very little feedback; Alakazam and Kasper look for feedback - Kasper at least seems to find it useful; ThatGirl reports getting lots of it - all unsolicited?

My experience has been most like Fluffywolf's in that I get almost no personal feedback, but don't go looking for it either. What little I get sometimes surprises me. I would expect more along the lines of what Rasofy mentioned, but at work at least, I am surrounded by people who think more like me and would thus not make such a criticism.

I wonder if certain types tend to elicit more feedback, and others tend to discourage it, either deliberately or inadventently. Kasper mentions the need for external feedback as an extravert, but also the fact that some people may find him too unapproachable to give feedback. On the flip side, are certain types more likely to let others know what they think about them, either verbally or otherwise?

 

[funkadelik]

And thank YOU, for not responding to my post!

Wait...was this you demonstrating how it is you react to feedback (or lack of it)?

If so: hilarious!

If not: hope I didn't offend you.

 

[ReflecTcelfeR]

None. No one around me gives me anything to work on. I've greatly relied on body language to understand what I should and shouldn't do.

 

[Coriolis]

None. No one around me gives me anything to work on. I've greatly relied on body language to understand what I should and shouldn't do.

How do you know how to interpret people's body language? Are you usually correct?

 

[alakazam]

How do you know how to interpret people's body language? Are you usually correct?

One subtle indicator: if they pull out a bat and they're about to hit you, you might have done something wrong.


On a more serious note: I can usually get an intuitive sense from that person if I'm familiar enough with them (i.e. I have a baseline). This is usually right when I know them, but tormenting when I don't yet know them well enough.

Apart from that, I've studied Paul Ekman's work, which is body language on a sensory level so I can use this too...