[INTP] for socially awkward INTP, how does relationship happen?

[INTPness]

Getting to know people waiting for the bus generally doesn't happen with me either, but last week this Asian woman who'd just moved here and couldn't speak English that well started asking me questions about the the buses around here (fees, schedules) and after we'd talked about that a bit she offered to be friends and teach me how to make a handbag sometime and gave me her address and phone number. It was weird. I thought maybe I'd go just for the hell of it, but I'm not sure now.

Go check it out and let us know how it goes.

 

[Eckhart]

Is there any suggestion you will try?

You have to start somewhere. Except in very rare cases, nobody just jumps straight into good friendships or romantic relationships with another person. You have to start small and build from there. What starts out seeming superficial becomes meaningful once you have gotten the chance to know other people and open up to one another.

Sure, but that requires you that you will see a person for longer than a few minutes. For example when you wait for the bus, you might talk 5 words sometimes because someone has a question, but then you eventually enter the bus (sometimes not even the same bus), and you will not see that person ever again.

I for myself needed usually months, sometimes years before I notice I even am really interested in a person. That means for me you have to find an atmosphere, a specific situation and setting which gives both of you an excuse and reason to spend some time somewhat regularly with each other before it might possibly lead to anything like a friendship. Which is why I think that some kind of hobby club (don't know if that is the correct word) or so is possibly a good idea, because here you have the excuse to spend time with each other because you both come to the place because of that hobby, and in the same time you have also already some interest in common to talk about, which makes conversation easier. I have absolutely no idea how you can at least start such a process while waiting for a bus for example, but maybe that is just me. But when I see the OP's situation, I would imagine it is similar for him.

 

[Fluffywolf]

Just FYI I really enjoy spending time on my own, It's just I get really lonely and I"m still human.

Sorry to hear that, sounds like you are just not INTP enough.

 

[Priori]

I'm not gonna take a class just to meet friends.

take a walk? You would have a better chance eating at diner alone. Honestly what kind of advice is that? How about I drive my car around to make friends.

It's not hard to strike a conversation to random people. I want to make friends not make small talk with everyone. Two different things

Please understand that I’m not trying to come off as hostile in my following comments, just laying things out. Nice people took the time out of their day to try to help you and you were rude to them. Now, as a fellow INTP I understand that this was most likely not intentional malice on your part but it does demonstrate a lack of social graces.

Making friends is what NFs do, disregarding their advice is foolish and demonstrates that you failed to comprehend what they wrote. Social skills are SKILLS and need to be practiced just like any other skill. Ergo, rather than sitting at home reading forums or books; go take a walk and meet random people. Practice your skill in the field.

It was not suggested that you would meet your best friend while strolling down the sidewalk, what was said was said is that if you don’t want to be alone then you have to hone your social skills. DAILY. You were then given examples of how to do that.

 

[jimrckhnd]

"I'm not gonna take a class just to meet friends."

Ummm... why not? It's perfectly acceptable social strategy in my mind. You take a class in something you like - maybe at a university, maybe at a local museum. You don’t have to take something for credit – just audit if necessary. I’ve taken classes and attended lectures at the Smithsonian on food and wine, oriental carpets, Civil War history, Russian Iconography… there has to be something you could take.

Primary objective: Meet people you have something in common with.
Secondary objective: Learn something about a subject that interests you.

You can hardly fail to achieve the later and you never know about the former. And even solitary hobbies have groups that meet and discuss. I have a modest collection of sulfide minerals (an outgrowth of my professional interests) and am something of aficionado of road bike racing. Both activities can enjoyed on their own but… there is no reason they MUST be solitary pursuits. And in fact I have met one of my closer friends through our mutual interest in road cycling.

I think it is the AA people who say “fake it before you make it” or some such thing. The point being if you are naturally solitaire by nature and want to change that you have to put yourself in situations that might not be initially all that comfortable. Force yourself to do something social and force yourself to interact: after awhile it get easier, then it becomes a habit.

 

[Not_Me]

meetup.com

 

[Neutralpov]

meetup.com

+1 found a few friends (and dates) there and got to try places I wanted to see

 

[Glycerine]

Yes join groups or clubs. The thing that is probably going to make you look socially awkward is analysing your self-perceived social awkwardness and making a big deal about it. Basically, if you think about it, then you are probably going to be socially awkward. If you are relaxed about it, then the charm will show through.

 

[Coriolis]

EDIT: I guess my question is for someone similar like me how did you guys meet your friends?

I am INTJ, but share much of your perspective regarding social action. I met almost all of my friends at school or at work. Basically, in each different setting (college, grad school, job 1, job 2) I found maybe 1 person I really got along with and became friends with. We continued those friendships even after one or both of us moved on in career. The only exception is someone I met at a financial planning seminar - again, something I attended with no intention of meeting people, it just happened.

Bottom line: put yourself in a setting where there are other people around, preferably ones who share something with you (job or academic interest, etc.) and just be open to what happens. I have always viewed friendships as a happy by-product, not a goal, of just living my life.

 

[21%]

"I'm not gonna take a class just to meet friends."

Ummm... why not? It's perfectly acceptable social strategy in my mind. You take a class in something you like - maybe at a university, maybe at a local museum. You don’t have to take something for credit – just audit if necessary. I’ve taken classes and attended lectures at the Smithsonian on food and wine, oriental carpets, Civil War history, Russian Iconography… there has to be something you could take.

Primary objective: Meet people you have something in common with.
Secondary objective: Learn something about a subject that interests you.

You can hardly fail to achieve the later and you never know about the former. And even solitary hobbies have groups that meet and discuss. I have a modest collection of sulfide minerals (an outgrowth of my professional interests) and am something of aficionado of road bike racing. Both activities can enjoyed on their own but… there is no reason they MUST be solitary pursuits. And in fact I have met one of my closer friends through our mutual interest in road cycling.

I think it is the AA people who say “fake it before you make it” or some such thing. The point being if you are naturally solitaire by nature and want to change that you have to put yourself in situations that might not be initially all that comfortable. Force yourself to do something social and force yourself to interact: after awhile it get easier, then it becomes a habit.

I'm going to second (third?) taking classes as well. It's in classes that people are most interested in making friends. Somehow it puts you back on the school setting and you're 'free' from having to be all adult and having to keep your 'polite' distance

 

[Xyk]

Well I just asked my bestest friend (girl who knows a bunch of cool people and is likely ENFP) to help me out. Here is the message I sent her, verbatim.

Hey. You know a lot of people. Do you happen to know any cute female superhero enthusiasts that might enjoy my company? Not like a big deal or anything, just something I'm considering.

Peace.

So I'll see how that goes. I have no real expectations, but I figure anything will be better than nothing. The theory is sound, and if you have patience (like INTPs usually do), OP, it should work for you as well.

Disclaimer: theory is totally untested by me as of this writing.

 

[think2much]

Ummm... why not?

1.It cost money
2.time
3.when it comes to school or anything eles I'm focused on, socializing is a huge distraction while I"m working on something.

taking a class just to meet people feels like going to church just to meet people. I want to take class for myself not be the main purpose to socialize.

I am INTJ, but share much of your perspective regarding social action. I met almost all of my friends at school or at work. Basically, in each different setting (college, grad school, job 1, job 2) I found maybe 1 person I really got along with and became friends with. We continued those friendships even after one or both of us moved on in career. The only exception is someone I met at a financial planning seminar - again, something I attended with no intention of meeting people, it just happened.

Bottom line: put yourself in a setting where there are other people around, preferably ones who share something with you (job or academic interest, etc.) and just be open to what happens. I have always viewed friendships as a happy by-product, not a goal, of just living my life.

I cannot joke around or socialize around work settings. It's extremely hard for me to make friends I'm competing with. I like to keep it professional. Not to mention I"m very goofy and I would lose all the respect if I ever did joke around with co-workers.

Well I just asked my bestest friend (girl who knows a bunch of cool people and is likely ENFP) to help me out. Here is the message I sent her, verbatim.



So I'll see how that goes. I have no real expectations, but I figure anything will be better than nothing. The theory is sound, and if you have patience (like INTPs usually do), OP, it should work for you as well.

Disclaimer: theory is totally untested by me as of this writing.

I think it has to do with frustration but I haven't had any patience with people lately. I tend to snap at people now, just full of anger.


It seems with my attuide it's impossible to have any relationship with anyone. I don't need a lot of friends, I would be happy with one best friend

 

[jimrckhnd]

Urm... you have a serious problem then. Time? You have the rest of your life. Money? Well unless you are dirt poor - money happens. In terms of focus - you focus on socializing... the main point of taking the class is not to learn yet more stuff: change the primary objective.

"I want to take class for myself not be the main purpose to socialize."

"I tend to snap at people now, just full of anger. "

"I would be happy with one best friend"

From where I sit you have the opposite of a virtuous circle - a death spiral. The more isolated you get, the more pissed off you are going to get – which in turn leads to more isolation. You need to find a way to change the rules of the game – because you aren’t winning. To me your approach is rigid and, frankly, you seem to have a lot of self pity (never an attractive attribute). If you keep the same approach to life you should have little expectation that the results will change – the definition of insanity all that.

Best of luck.

 

[Anew Leaf]

My Advice:

Red Flags You Need to Correct Before Dating:

1. Your depression. Find a counselor and get help. Get on meds if that is what you need. (In the very least get this book: The Feeling Good Handbook. I know the cover is the most ridiculous thing ever, but the book actually does work.)
2. Get a support network of family. Reach out to parents, siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc. Even if it is just 1-2 people.

Tips In General:

1. Stop taking yourself so seriously at work. It's great that you want to be professional and want to be thought of as professional. But if you're in the lunch area and see a couple of coworkers, go over and chat with them and yes, be a little goofy with them. Work is not just about how professional you are, how competent you are, etc. Work is about relationships between people. My INTP dad has been a manager for two different companies and he talks a lot about why he hires certain people. He has hired people before who weren't the most qualified on paper over those who were simply because they were pleasant and he forsaw that he would have less people issues with them in the future.

2. It seems with my attuide it's impossible to have any relationship with anyone. I don't need a lot of friends, I would be happy with one best friend

   Ding, ding, ding!
3. To be blunt: get your head out of your ass. Then move to point 4.
4. Reread through this thread and seriously consider the points being made by multiple people. Stop immediately pooh-poohing what everyone has suggested. (That is your depression talking for the most part.) Actually listen. If you knew all the answers you wouldn't be on this forum making a thread about this problem.
5. Class: Then take a class that is fluff/fun and perhaps revolves around meeting people. Like, ballroom dancing or cooking or paper mache elves.

To Sum Up:
If what you are currently doing now in your life regarding your attitude, your interests, and your priorities, is not working for you; then it logically follows that you should change your attitude, your interests, and your priorities.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

 

[Sinmara]

...aaand Saturned wins the internet.

 

[slowriot]

To Sum Up:
If what you are currently doing now in your life regarding your attitude, your interests, and your priorities, is not working for you; then it logically follows that you should change your attitude, your interests, and your priorities.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

Exactly

 

[Coriolis]

I cannot joke around or socialize around work settings. It's extremely hard for me to make friends I'm competing with. I like to keep it professional. Not to mention I"m very goofy and I would lose all the respect if I ever did joke around with co-workers.

It seems with my attuide it's impossible to have any relationship with anyone. I don't need a lot of friends, I would be happy with one best friend

I am not sure what you consider to be joking around and socializing. At work/school, I am just myself, and over time (sometimes many months or a year) I realize that I just see eye to eye with another person in a way I don't with most people. We unintentionally get a glimpse of each other's inner reality that causes us to trust a bit more. This is usually when we take our relationship out of the office for true socializing. But then, the places I have worked are much more collaborative than competitive. My colleagues and I are working together toward common goals, so we already share something significant.

Of course, as Saturned pointed out, your second paragraph here is the key.

 

[Glycerine]

Also, the social awkwardness is NOT because you are INTP. Some of the most charming people I know are INTPs who know how to adapt and act like themselves.

 

[jimrckhnd]

Also, the social awkwardness is NOT because you are INTP. Some of the most charming people I know are INTPs who know how to adapt and act like themselves.

Thank you for making that point. If the literature is to be believed many INTPs are well liked by their coworkers, fellow students, etc.. Often being easy going and having even a quirky sense of humor can go along way to breaking the ice with your peers.

 

[Xyk]

Thank you for making that point. If the literature is to be believed many INTPs are well liked by their coworkers, fellow students, etc.. Often being easy going and having even a quirky sense of humor can go along way to breaking the ice with your peers.

Feeling socially awkward is an INTP trait. I spent the last 3ish years believing that pretty strongly, but I've since learned how to talk to strangers. I still feel awkward like 40% of the time, even when other people don't take notice. These feelings are often wrong, but they are a hassle to get over.