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Thread: for socially awkward INTP, how does relationship happen?

  1. #31
    Senior Member Array Xyk's Avatar
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    Well I just asked my bestest friend (girl who knows a bunch of cool people and is likely ENFP) to help me out. Here is the message I sent her, verbatim.

    Hey. You know a lot of people. Do you happen to know any cute female superhero enthusiasts that might enjoy my company? Not like a big deal or anything, just something I'm considering.

    Peace.
    So I'll see how that goes. I have no real expectations, but I figure anything will be better than nothing. The theory is sound, and if you have patience (like INTPs usually do), OP, it should work for you as well.

    Disclaimer: theory is totally untested by me as of this writing.

  2. #32
    Senior Member Array think2much's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jimrckhnd View Post
    Ummm... why not?
    1.It cost money
    2.time
    3.when it comes to school or anything eles I'm focused on, socializing is a huge distraction while I"m working on something.

    taking a class just to meet people feels like going to church just to meet people. I want to take class for myself not be the main purpose to socialize.

    Quote Originally Posted by Coriolis View Post
    I am INTJ, but share much of your perspective regarding social action. I met almost all of my friends at school or at work. Basically, in each different setting (college, grad school, job 1, job 2) I found maybe 1 person I really got along with and became friends with. We continued those friendships even after one or both of us moved on in career. The only exception is someone I met at a financial planning seminar - again, something I attended with no intention of meeting people, it just happened.

    Bottom line: put yourself in a setting where there are other people around, preferably ones who share something with you (job or academic interest, etc.) and just be open to what happens. I have always viewed friendships as a happy by-product, not a goal, of just living my life.
    I cannot joke around or socialize around work settings. It's extremely hard for me to make friends I'm competing with. I like to keep it professional. Not to mention I"m very goofy and I would lose all the respect if I ever did joke around with co-workers.

    Quote Originally Posted by Xyk View Post
    Well I just asked my bestest friend (girl who knows a bunch of cool people and is likely ENFP) to help me out. Here is the message I sent her, verbatim.



    So I'll see how that goes. I have no real expectations, but I figure anything will be better than nothing. The theory is sound, and if you have patience (like INTPs usually do), OP, it should work for you as well.

    Disclaimer: theory is totally untested by me as of this writing.
    I think it has to do with frustration but I haven't had any patience with people lately. I tend to snap at people now, just full of anger.


    It seems with my attuide it's impossible to have any relationship with anyone. I don't need a lot of friends, I would be happy with one best friend

  3. #33
    Senior Member Array jimrckhnd's Avatar
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    Urm... you have a serious problem then. Time? You have the rest of your life. Money? Well unless you are dirt poor - money happens. In terms of focus - you focus on socializing... the main point of taking the class is not to learn yet more stuff: change the primary objective.

    "I want to take class for myself not be the main purpose to socialize."

    "I tend to snap at people now, just full of anger. "

    "I would be happy with one best friend"

    From where I sit you have the opposite of a virtuous circle - a death spiral. The more isolated you get, the more pissed off you are going to get – which in turn leads to more isolation. You need to find a way to change the rules of the game – because you aren’t winning. To me your approach is rigid and, frankly, you seem to have a lot of self pity (never an attractive attribute). If you keep the same approach to life you should have little expectation that the results will change – the definition of insanity all that.

    Best of luck.

  4. #34
    Anew Leaf
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    My Advice:

    Red Flags You Need to Correct Before Dating:
    1. Your depression. Find a counselor and get help. Get on meds if that is what you need. (In the very least get this book: The Feeling Good Handbook. I know the cover is the most ridiculous thing ever, but the book actually does work.)
    2. Get a support network of family. Reach out to parents, siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc. Even if it is just 1-2 people.


    Tips In General:
    1. Stop taking yourself so seriously at work. It's great that you want to be professional and want to be thought of as professional. But if you're in the lunch area and see a couple of coworkers, go over and chat with them and yes, be a little goofy with them. Work is not just about how professional you are, how competent you are, etc. Work is about relationships between people. My INTP dad has been a manager for two different companies and he talks a lot about why he hires certain people. He has hired people before who weren't the most qualified on paper over those who were simply because they were pleasant and he forsaw that he would have less people issues with them in the future.
    2. It seems with my attuide it's impossible to have any relationship with anyone. I don't need a lot of friends, I would be happy with one best friend
      Ding, ding, ding!
    3. To be blunt: get your head out of your ass. Then move to point 4.
    4. Reread through this thread and seriously consider the points being made by multiple people. Stop immediately pooh-poohing what everyone has suggested. (That is your depression talking for the most part.) Actually listen. If you knew all the answers you wouldn't be on this forum making a thread about this problem.
    5. Class: Then take a class that is fluff/fun and perhaps revolves around meeting people. Like, ballroom dancing or cooking or paper mache elves.


    To Sum Up:
    If what you are currently doing now in your life regarding your attitude, your interests, and your priorities, is not working for you; then it logically follows that you should change your attitude, your interests, and your priorities.

    The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

  5. #35
    Not Your Therapist Array Sinmara's Avatar
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    ...aaand Saturned wins the internet.
    Never wrestle with a pig. You will get dirty and the pig will enjoy it.



    6w5 3w4 8w9

  6. #36
    He who laughs Array
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    Quote Originally Posted by Saturned View Post
    To Sum Up:
    If what you are currently doing now in your life regarding your attitude, your interests, and your priorities, is not working for you; then it logically follows that you should change your attitude, your interests, and your priorities.

    The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
    Exactly

  7. #37
    Alchemist of life Array Coriolis's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by think2much View Post
    I cannot joke around or socialize around work settings. It's extremely hard for me to make friends I'm competing with. I like to keep it professional. Not to mention I"m very goofy and I would lose all the respect if I ever did joke around with co-workers.

    It seems with my attuide it's impossible to have any relationship with anyone. I don't need a lot of friends, I would be happy with one best friend
    I am not sure what you consider to be joking around and socializing. At work/school, I am just myself, and over time (sometimes many months or a year) I realize that I just see eye to eye with another person in a way I don't with most people. We unintentionally get a glimpse of each other's inner reality that causes us to trust a bit more. This is usually when we take our relationship out of the office for true socializing. But then, the places I have worked are much more collaborative than competitive. My colleagues and I are working together toward common goals, so we already share something significant.

    Of course, as Saturned pointed out, your second paragraph here is the key.
    Hope is the denial of reality. It is the carrot dangled before the draft horse to keep him plodding along in a vain attempt to reach it. We should remove the carrot and walk forward with our eyes open. -- Raistlin Majere

  8. #38
    Glycerine
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    Also, the social awkwardness is NOT because you are INTP. Some of the most charming people I know are INTPs who know how to adapt and act like themselves.

  9. #39
    Senior Member Array jimrckhnd's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Glycerine View Post
    Also, the social awkwardness is NOT because you are INTP. Some of the most charming people I know are INTPs who know how to adapt and act like themselves.
    Thank you for making that point. If the literature is to be believed many INTPs are well liked by their coworkers, fellow students, etc.. Often being easy going and having even a quirky sense of humor can go along way to breaking the ice with your peers.

  10. #40
    Senior Member Array Xyk's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jimrckhnd View Post
    Thank you for making that point. If the literature is to be believed many INTPs are well liked by their coworkers, fellow students, etc.. Often being easy going and having even a quirky sense of humor can go along way to breaking the ice with your peers.
    Feeling socially awkward is an INTP trait. I spent the last 3ish years believing that pretty strongly, but I've since learned how to talk to strangers. I still feel awkward like 40% of the time, even when other people don't take notice. These feelings are often wrong, but they are a hassle to get over.

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