[NT] Why is it so hard for Me to stop focusing on Myself?

[MacGuffin]

This thread is really...awkward.

I've seen FAR worse.

Mostly though, narcissism is boring. And trite.

 

[rav3n]

I've seen FAR worse.

Mostly though, narcissism is boring. And trite.

Like I said to another member, it would be easier to provide advice on genital itch or athlete's foot fungus!

 

[FunnyDigestion]

The problem is I have trouble being interested in others, but I want to be admired. I apparently can't make Myself seem interesting enough to do this. I've tried just about everything, and I just can't seem to master it.

Lol, recursive problems, how computer-science-y. The reason for your problem is your problem; what's stopping you from being less self-centered is that you're self-centered-- that's basically what you've said. Having trouble being interested in others (which on its own is merely detachment) while also wanting to be admired (which on its own is merely social ambition) is the precise definition of the unique character flaw which is narcissism. What you've said is that the thing stopping you from solving your problem is your problem.

You're in a loop, the only way out is... to break it! (no that doesn't mean killing yourself which would be pretty silly in a narcissist anyway)

 

[The Ü™]

Provided I am a narcissist, as you say, how would I break the loop?

 

[Little_Sticks]

I'm a psychopath now? I'd love to hear your reasoning behind that. What on this thread suggests psychopath?

Well, I don't subscribe to the notion that psychopathy is necessarily genetic, but a result of life circumstances just as narcissism is. So I see a lot of similarities with narcissism. But a narcissist is afraid of feeling shame and looks to project a grandiose image of themselves at the expense of another person's well-being. They act out of insecurity.

You on the other hand said that you don't really think there is anything wrong with your personality and that you really aren't insecure (so I'm going to believe you). But you also say that you don't really have interest in the subjective experience of other people (I hope I paraphrased that accurately), yet you want or feel you need them to cater to yours. This is what I consider the difference between narcissism and psychopathy, where a psychopath is acting much more out of boredom than insecurity. So I wanted to ask.

 

[FunnyDigestion]

Provided I am a narcissist, as you say, how would I break the loop?

Well, as someone said earlier, everyone struggles with selfishness. In fact, the only people who DON'T struggle with it are usually narcissists!

Because they're totally immersed in it.

Some narcissists actually are so used to indulging every selfish impulse that flicks into their brains that they don't even notice it, & would probably be baffled if someone decided to criticize them for being selfish.

In light of that, it was probably unjust for me to call you a narcissist, since by making this thread you're struggling with it somehow.

For breaking out of it-- just like with breaking out of anything (jail, etc)-- nothing beats raw force. At least after all else fails. By which I mean, forcing yourself to concentrate on other things. Preferably stuff with no evident connection to you. Even if everything else you try focusing on only sends you back to thinking of your self, at least you know the attempt is making you better somehow. Or at the very minimum, trying to be less self-centered won't make you more self-centered. Trying & failing is the only way to change at anything-- besides trying & succeeding, which is obviously even better.

Maybe you think that since you know what your ulterior motives are (to fuel your self-worth / ego), trying to be more interested in people wouldn't work. But that's inevitable. Ulterior motives are inevitable. That's why you have to document your progress so others with the same problems can learn from your struggle. Personally what I think would happen is by seeing reflection of your own issues in others, you would become less alienated from them.

 

[wolfy]

Start by stopping capitalising me and myself. That'd be a good start I reckon.

 

[pinkgraffiti]

This guy is playing you all. And it's really boring.

 

[The Ü™]

Start by stopping capitalising me and myself. That'd be a good start I reckon.

Okay, I'll try.

And I've followed some other suggestions, as well, so why is it that I am met with nothing but more insults (or worse, I'm ignored)? Your suggestions don't have any value unless they work.

 

[onemoretime]

Okay, I'll try.

And I've followed some other suggestions, as well, so why is it that I am met with nothing but more insults (or worse, I'm ignored)? Your suggestions don't have any value unless they work.

It's your tone. You're coming off all wrong.

No one here thinks you're so special that you should be admired, so it comes across as extremely arrogant when you ask us how to get people to admire you. Admiration is an incidental bonus to the development of human relationships, and not an end in and of itself. That's just one of those rules you've got to learn.

I'm not saying you should be more empathic. I know that's usually not in the cards for those with Asperger's, which you identified yourself as in the past. Your brain is simply not wired this way. People say you're self-absorbed because that's the nature of a brain on the autistic spectrum. There is nothing you can do to change that. There is also nothing wrong with this.

What's more, if others did admire you, you would probably not even notice. Admiration is the emotion of appreciating in others the qualities you aspire to. Admiration requires empathy.

However, other people have the right to not like you because of this. They should not actively harm you as a result, but if they do not like you, it is their prerogative. Instead of worrying about what they think, instead, focus on what you like about yourself, and what other things you like in life.

 

[chickpea]

self-quoters are the worst.

i can't tell if this is a sad cry for attention or a sad attempt at humor but it's just sad all around.

 

[RDF]

Provided I am a narcissist, as you say, how would I break the loop?

Two ideas that work for me personally:

First:

To stop circular, unproductive thinking: Do a “brain dump.” Instead of going over things endlessly in your mind trying to develop new contingencies, just freeze the thought at the current stage, pour it out on paper, and file it away for future reference. As they say, “Put a pin in it”: It’s unproductive now, so get it on paper, thumbtack it on a bulletin board or file it away in a file cabinet for now, and then refer to it later when you might need it again.

This works for both ideas that you’re trying to develop and for emotional situations that you’re trying to deal with. Once you’ve processed them to the point that they’re not producing anything new, summarize them on paper and move on. This process can actually result in new progress on old ideas. Freed up to take in new input, your mind may develop new leads on old ideas, which can be resurrected as needed and developed further.

Moral of the story: Productive people discipline their thinking. They don’t just let their ideas and emotions run amok or get stuck in ruts. They notice when paths of emotion or thought have become unproductive and they develop ways to put those emotions and thoughts aside until new information arises or circumstances change.

Second:

Develop a list of 10 (or 20 or 30--whatever you can handle) items of biographical data to be learned about every person you know.

Examples: Name, age, birthday, address, what they do for a living, where they work, work-related goals for the future, what kind of residence they live in (rent, own, house, condo), where they grew up, whether they get back there often, how many family members, where they went to college, exercise/fitness habits, favorite entertainment/foods/hobbies/movies/pets, etc.

Develop a blank template of data items and fill it in for each person as you learn about them. And don’t just grill the person for data. Play detective: try to learn that data in casual conversation, one or two items at a time. Try to extract that data without the target realizing what you’re doing.

Even better yet: Before you start deliberately mining data on a person, fill in the blank template yourself for a given person based on what you already know about them, or based on what you guess about them, etc. It’ll be a good test of your powers of observation; checking your early guesses about a person against the data you eventually learn about them will tell you much about yourself and your assumptions about people.

If you don't have a suitable group of people upon which to try this idea at work or in your social group, then join a social group like Toastmasters or Mensa or a church group or whatever and do it there. It's quite a useful exercise with any group of people.

Why learn biographical data about people? Two reasons: 1) Partly for the exercise; to notice the world around you, you have to exercise your powers of observation. As your powers of observation get sharper with exercise, you’ll get quicker at picking up productive information from your environment. 2) As you obtain banks of data, you’ll find that the information is actually quite useful, i.e., for connecting with people, socializing with them, asking them for updates on some ongoing issue in their life, etc. Salespeople do exactly this exercise to make themselves more effective in their job and connect better with customers; marketing firms pay millions of dollars for exactly this information.

Moral of the story: I know you’re not big on connecting with the people around you. But that’s partly because you haven’t made the effort to mine data on them. With a sizable data bank, I have no doubt you’ll find interesting and fun things to do with it. And in the meantime you’ll sharpen your observation skills, which will increase your input from the world around you and exponentially increase your productivity and creativity within your own life.

(By the way, there’s an advanced version of the exercise above: Notice things about people on the fly. Pay attention to what clothing they wear (jewelry, hair style, shoes, carry-along accessories), what words they first say and in what tone, what words they emphasize with additional volume or emotion, what things stand out about their room or office, what postures and body language they use in different situations, what things they repeat when talking, etc. Read advanced books on sales for more ideas along this line and how to use this info.)

*********

I'm not saying that these two suggestions are the answer to everything. But I do them myself on an ongoing basis, and they've yielded the most results (in terms of increased productivity and effectiveness) out of everything that I've tried across the years

 

[Totenkindly]

Okay, I'll try. And I've followed some other suggestions, as well, so why is it that I am met with nothing but more insults (or worse, I'm ignored)? Your suggestions don't have any value unless they work.

Well, in addition to comments such as onemoretime and FineLine have made, you need to give this a LOT more time. You've got a number of years on this forum acting one way and presenting yourself one way, and you expect things to change overnight? The patterns you've established in people's mind aren't going to vanish until they've accumulated more data on you, enough to decide their perception of you no longer is correct. It's a "character" issue -- the consistent ways in which someone behaves over longer periods of time.

If you're serious about this, it's a long-term shift, not an overnight thing. Part of how you show you're serious is persisting in it even when there are not immediate results; it suggests you actually believe in what you're doing rather than just using it as a way to get people to give you something.