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  1. #21
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    Uber,

    It sounds like a form of insecurity to me. You seem to always be looking for the validation of someone's attention. Even negative attention is better than none at all.

    You want to have a relationship to everyone where they give you all of the attention and control over the conversation, wothout you offering any in return. Unequal relationships only work if you are in the role of the kid and you are being provided for, but have to accept the direction of someone else, or if you are in the role of the adult and are providing for someone else, and they have to take your direction if you are going to help them.

    In your case, you are trying to maintain all of the control (the adult position) while taking on the least amount of responsibility (the kid position). In short, you want the best of both worlds, and it just doesn't work that way once you become an adult. Either you get messed up people being attracted to your company who are willing to feed your ego, or else people just vote with their feet and go elsewhere to interact.

    In general, this seems to be an issue of not being able to put yourself into someone else's shoes. My own private theory is that it is impossible to do this unless you have a sense of your own needs have been adequately met. Unfortunately, once you become an adult, you are generally the only person that can fill in this otherwise bottomless pit of neediness. Others may even devote their lives to helping you fill it in by giving you all the attention you ever could ask for, and you'll just move along to someone else or start wishing other things to fill the void. Therefore, if your needs weren't met when you needed it in the past, you will become obsessed with looking out for yourself first. You just don't have any margin left over so that you have something extra to hand out to others.

    Happily, there is a cure for this, although it is not an instant one and it takes some determination to make it happen. You can only quit doing what is not working well for you once you can stand to look at the futility of your circumstances and identify what old need wasn't met that you are now trying to fill in this way. Once you come to a sense of futility about changing or going after what is past and see the person who should have given it to you through realistic lenses (neither villain nor saint), then you can move on and start trying out different ways of looking at the world and interacting with it. You develop resillience to deal with disappointments, and also get out of the old ruts that keep you doing what will make others reject you. When you quit doing things that do not work for you, it not only increases your ability to bounce back and to come up with new solutions, but it reduces feelings of aggression that are the natural product of frustration. This also clears space in your mind to focus on others and their interests or needs and build a sense of empathy and interest in them.

  2. #22
    Senior Member Stigmata's Avatar
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    I can't help but view everything you do, including this, as a giant facade to mask some sort of insecurity. Here's why I'm not convinced you're as secure with yourself as you proclaim. It's not so much that you're self-absorbed as it is you desperately desire some form of validation. Someone genuinely self-absorbed wouldn't weigh the opinion of others so highly in relation to their own opinion of themselves. I don't believe you're truly content as you're constantly trying to have others reaffirm something that you yourself supposedly claim to already know to be true. Eventually, either through introspection or as a result of prolonged isolation, you'll learn you aren't a snowflake.

  3. #23
    Diabolical Kasper's Avatar
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    I always presumed that you have some level of narcissism to account for the self focus as it didn't seem like a result of insecurity of self doubt.

    I truly believe you don't care if others accept you or not, maybe it kicks in as a defence mechanism.

  4. #24
    lab rat extraordinaire CrystalViolet's Avatar
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    Is this serious? I can be pretty self absorbed, but I know to get some attention, I got to give some. Plus I'm just not that fascinating. There's only so much time I can spend listening to my mental monologue.
    I mean attention whoring just isn't satisfying, because eventually every one just ignores you, especially if they don't get some thing back.
    Currently submerged under an avalanche of books and paper work. I may come back up for air from time to time.
    Real life awaits and she is a demanding mistress.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  5. #25
    Striving for balance Little Linguist's Avatar
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    Hmmm....

    Let's look at this situation practically. I cannot tell you why you do the things you do because only you can answer that. But I can tell you how you can practically start by not appearing as self-centered as you may seem.

    12 Steps to Better Interaction:

    1. As other people said, ask about others. What do they think? How do they view things? The reason for this is effective socializing involves a kind of give-and-take.

    2. Never talk about yourself more than 30 seconds. Then find a question relating to what you just said to ask the other person. Then a kind of a ping-pong dialog occurs rather than you just monopolizing the conversation.

    3. Don't polarize. I notice you often say in chat something to the effect of, "Why do white people listen to rap??? Can't they remember who they are and where their roots lie?" Instead, you could ask, "So how many of you like rap?" or "What kind of music do you all like?" which could then branch off to "Why do you think rap is so popular?" See how this is less polarizing? By doing it the first way, you look like you're pleading for attention at best and trying to insult or be a troll and polarize at worst.

    4. Mirror the behavior of others. Look at how other people are behaving. Try to find patterns and then 'mirror' what your counterparts are doing. Not literally of course. You don't have to fold your hands when they do, and cough when they cough. What I mean is, look for general trends, and *adapt* to your fellow conversationalists.

    5. Keep an open mind. There's nothing worse than someone who already has their mind made up, especially if it is a polarizing topic. What's the point in talking to someone if they are going to arrogantly uphold their standpoint with no respect for yours?

    6. Do not capitalize first-person pronouns or adjectives other than "I": Although we capitalize the word "I," we do not capitalize words like "my," "mine," "myself," etc. By doing so, you make it sound like you are the most important person there is when it is not necessary.

    7. Talk about harmless topics until you get to know people better. If you meet people and then start blabbing about how black people shouldn't marry white people, don't be surprised if they run in the other direction or even beat you to a pulp (with words or fists)! Leave the political banter out of the picture until you get to know someone better. Once you see how someone ticks, you can extrapolate that information and make more informed choices about topics that make people interested in you.

    If you're one of those "I-don't-do-small-talk" guys, then focus on topics of immediate relevance OR something that has a positive impact on them. Or potentially could. This makes people interested in what you have to say.

    8. Realize people may like you, but they have lives, too. They can't always reassure you what a wonderful person you are, especially if you are giving off the wrong signals. Instead, realize that just because people are silent, doesn't mean you're bad. ;D It just means they're busy.

    9. Open body language. No one wants to socialize with someone who is constantly on the defensive, even with their body language.

    10. Tailor your topics and vocab to the people you're socializing with. They're like an audience. Mold your ideas to fit the people you're talking to.

    11. Don't say something just to say something. Think about what you have to say. You don't have to get attention at any price. Actually, I really listen to what the "quiet ones" have to say because usually they think things through and have really awesome contributions to make, as opposed to people like me who just rattle off at the mouth.

    12. Be gracious to others in an authentic way. If you think someone has something good to say, praise them. People like getting validation, too, you know, just like you do.

    Trust me, I am not trying to appear condescending here. I have a list because all this crap is on my list as well – these are things I really have to improve, too. ;D So just wanted to share some practical insight based on my experience.

    I hope this helps. And even though this video is cheesy, it actually is pretty cool in terms of its ideas:

    [YOUTUBE="2koQDCxyI6g"]Socializing for dummies ;D[/YOUTUBE]
    If you are interested in language, words, linguistics, or foreign languages, check out my blog and read, post, and/or share.

  6. #26
    royal member Rasofy's Avatar
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    Since no one mentioned, I should add that your avatar and signature are giving off psychopath vibes, which doesn't help your cause.
    Your avatar says ''I'm a bad guy, I'd kill people for a Chokito''
    Your signature says ''I have zero regard for social norms'' + ''I am the only person worth being quoted'' + ''I don't understand the concept of punchline that makes jokes funny''
    Put something more friendly. Or just neutral.
    -----------------

    A man builds. A parasite asks 'Where is my share?'
    A man creates. A parasite says, 'What will the neighbors think?'
    A man invents. A parasite says, 'Watch out, or you might tread on the toes of God... '


    -----------------

  7. #27
    Striving for balance Little Linguist's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rasofy View Post
    Since no one mentioned, I should add that your avatar and signature are giving off psychopath vibes, which doesn't help your cause.
    Your avatar says ''I'm a bad guy, I'd kill people for a Chokito''
    Your signature says ''I have zero regard for social norms'' + ''I am the only person worth being quoted'' + ''I don't understand the concept of punchline that makes jokes funny''
    Put something more friendly. Or just neutral.
    Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, I didn't even notice that. Wow. I'm...stupid. Anyway, yes, good advice. Much more practical than mine. And easier to implement as well.
    If you are interested in language, words, linguistics, or foreign languages, check out my blog and read, post, and/or share.

  8. #28
    FRACTALICIOUS phobik's Avatar
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    Try professional help.
    To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
    ~ Elbert Hubbard

    Music provides one of the clearest examples of a much deeper relation between mathematics and human experience.

  9. #29
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rasofy View Post
    Your signature says ''I have zero regard for social norms'' + ''I am the only person worth being quoted'' + ''I don't understand the concept of punchline that makes jokes funny''
    Well, since you're apparently the expert on humor, perhaps you should explain. I might actually learn something from you. My signature is actually very clever and witty. In fact, I even chuckle every time I read it. And the best part is that it's original and I am the one who conceived it. I don't really understand why people don't quote themselves more often. When they quote others, it indicates a lack of personal creativity.

  10. #30
    Senior Member Viridian's Avatar
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    Shame on you, The Ü! Trying to replicate Elfboy's narcissism thread will get you no points for creativity!

    Seriously, though: if you are looking for a relationship where you are the center of attention all the time, you're better off building a robot maid.

    Ask Johnny Bravo how many ladies he wooed successfully with that approach.

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