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  1. #41
    Junior Member Bloubessie's Avatar
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    Hello again and I thank every single one of you who replied me on this thread. I've read them all and unfortunately, I didn't have much time to say something back in those past two days but I definitely have something to say right now.

    Communication really is the key and fortunately, I'm pretty open. Two days ago we talked on MSN, he had been calling me three times in a row on that day. He asked me out but I was too tired to go. So we talked....about „things“. I told him that I don't want to be fuckbuddies with him anymore because I don't want to fall in love. Well... he basically said that I should continue fucking him and after we are „done“ (when he goes away from my city) I should forget it and there's nothing hard about it, I just should move on.
    I quickly logged off from the instant messenger that night and after doing that he messaged me:“What time does your work start? I'll send you.“. I felt manipulated again and I sent him message back telling him to stop manipulating me. He replied:“It's all in your head. I just wanted to see you and change some words.“. He didn't send me to work though, but he did come to my workplace. He wanted to talk to me but I was busy with customers, so he told me to have a beautiful day and we didn't really talk.

    After work, he called me. I wasn't planning to go out, but I still went out with him. Afterall – he wanted to talk to me and I wanted to listen to what he has to say. So.. we sat in the local graveyard and talked. Of course he started with „What are your plans for tomorrow? I have a free place and...are you sure you don't want to do it?“ and I was like -.- .... no, no, no. You know why.
    For a long time, we didn't talk about much anything really. Just a chit chat about nothing and anything. Suddenly.... he asked me:“You still can't read me?“ and I replied:“No, not all.“, he said:“It's sad.“ and I said:“It is.“. After that he said:“I feel like shedding a tear.“ and silence came after this.

    When it came to going home, there was still a silence between us and for a long time we didn't speak much. Ratherly, he was speaking while I was silent. He asked me once again, if I'm sure about my decision and all I could say:“You know I want it, but I can't go on like this. I wish I could deny my feelings because I really enjoy the sex, but.... I just can't.“
    „If so, I respect that. It was an amazing experience though. I won't forget it.“ he said.
    „You have tons of girlfriends, you would get any girl you want.“ I said.
    And he...well.. he said:“I know, but it would be hard for me after meeting you. You're amazing. I have never met someone like you.“
    Silence....
    „I truly wish you will find someone amazing one day. As for me.....(I didn't hear what he said, but it didn't sound positive and although I wanted to know what he said I didn't ask it again, because.... as improper as it felt.)

    To be honest, when he said „I truly wish you will find someone amazing one day,“ I really felt like crying. I was nearly crying, but I holded myself back.

    So...he sent me home.... asking me if I was okay and hugged me so tight and wished me a good night. I really felt it was like a goodbye because he said:“If you ever feel like talking to someone, I'm there for you. Also...when it comes to this other part (sex of course), I'm also there for you.“ and that's how it ended....

    I woud lie if say I didn't make me sad. It did. I'm still somewhat sad but I know... I did the right thing....

    Again, thank you very much everyone. I really appreciate it.

    By the way, reading your post @spleen you reminded me of him in many ways before his change. Actually, he was like you before. „Not of my business and go for a psychologist, I don't care“ and et cetera, but after he lost his friend to suicide, he has changed a lot. Now, he listens to people, gives them advice and wants to help them. And that's how he said to me:“Although people may think I'm a good manipulator, well perhaps I am – but I'm genuinely interested in helping people and listening to them and why? It makes me feel good. Perhaps I'm a manipulator then afterall.“

    @redcheerio – what a great insight! Thank you very much.

    And thank you, thank you, thank you again! I would like to especially mention redcheerio, Nerd Girl, and mal 12345.

    Bessie.

  2. #42
    Senior Member guesswho's Avatar
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    Sorry things didn't go out so well for you.

  3. #43
    Junior Member Bloubessie's Avatar
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    @guesswho - I just checked out your blog and I really enjoyed your poem "Inside". Beautiful it is..

  4. #44
    Senior Member guesswho's Avatar
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    oh

    thanks



    glad you enjoyed it

  5. #45
    Senior Member INTPness's Avatar
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    I heard this on the radio today (John Tesh, heh) and thought of this thread: If a man tells you that he doesn't want to get serious or that he's not able to get serious (for whatever reason), then he really, really means that he does NOT want to get serious. Men do not want to disappoint women, so they will say this at the very beginning. And if they say this, they most likely will not change their mind at some later date for you. Taking it one step further, if they tell you this and you still stick around, the man then thinks that this means that you are OK with not getting involved - that you are OK with being casual - because he already stated that he doesn't want to get involved or can't get involved.

    I think this applies quite a bit to this situation, but what I don't like on behalf of the ENTP is him throwing all the sweet lines at her. "You're amazing." "I'll never find anyone like you again." He's essentially grasping at straws and doing whatever he can to keep sleeping with her - even though he knows it's at the expense of her heart. He was honest and up-front about not being able to commit long-term to her (which is good), but then he kind of toys with her and goes back and forth. "I can't get involved...............oh, but you're the most amazing woman I've ever met." That's definitely manipulating the situation, IMHO.
    NTJ's are the only types that have ever made me feel emo.
    ENP's are the only types that have ever made me feel like a sensor.


    There are two great days in a person's life - the day we are born and the day we discover why. --William Barclay

  6. #46
    Senior Member redcheerio's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bloubessie View Post
    Communication really is the key and fortunately, I'm pretty open. [...] So we talked....about „things“. I told him that I don't want to be fuckbuddies with him anymore because I don't want to fall in love. Well... he basically said that I should continue fucking him and after we are „done“ (when he goes away from my city) I should forget it and there's nothing hard about it, I just should move on.
    I'm so glad you came out and said it just like that. Good for you! I know it must have been so hard.


    Quote Originally Posted by Bloubessie View Post
    [...] I felt manipulated again and I sent him message back telling him to stop manipulating me. He replied:“It's all in your head. I just wanted to see you and change some words.“. He didn't send me to work though, but he did come to my workplace. He wanted to talk to me but I was busy with customers, so he told me to have a beautiful day and we didn't really talk.

    After work, he called me. I wasn't planning to go out, but I still went out with him. Afterall – he wanted to talk to me and I wanted to listen to what he has to say. So.. we sat in the local graveyard and talked. Of course he started with „What are your plans for tomorrow? I have a free place and...are you sure you don't want to do it?“ and I was like -.- .... no, no, no. You know why.

    For a long time, we didn't talk about much anything really. Just a chit chat about nothing and anything. Suddenly.... he asked me:“You still can't read me?“ and I replied:“No, not all.“, he said:“It's sad.“ and I said:“It is.“. After that he said:“I feel like shedding a tear.“ and silence came after this.

    When it came to going home, there was still a silence between us and for a long time we didn't speak much. Ratherly, he was speaking while I was silent. He asked me once again, if I'm sure about my decision and all I could say:“You know I want it, but I can't go on like this. I wish I could deny my feelings because I really enjoy the sex, but.... I just can't.“
    „If so, I respect that. It was an amazing experience though. I won't forget it.“ he said.
    „You have tons of girlfriends, you would get any girl you want.“ I said.
    And he...well.. he said:“I know, but it would be hard for me after meeting you. You're amazing. I have never met someone like you.“
    Silence....
    „I truly wish you will find someone amazing one day. As for me.....(I didn't hear what he said, but it didn't sound positive and although I wanted to know what he said I didn't ask it again, because.... as improper as it felt.)

    To be honest, when he said „I truly wish you will find someone amazing one day,“ I really felt like crying. I was nearly crying, but I holded myself back.

    So...he sent me home.... asking me if I was okay and hugged me so tight and wished me a good night. I really felt it was like a goodbye because he said:“If you ever feel like talking to someone, I'm there for you. Also...when it comes to this other part (sex of course), I'm also there for you.“ and that's how it ended....

    I woud lie if say I didn't make me sad. It did. I'm still somewhat sad but I know... I did the right thing....

    Again, thank you very much everyone. I really appreciate it.

    [...]
    @redcheerio – what a great insight! Thank you very much.

    And thank you, thank you, thank you again! I would like to especially mention redcheerio, Nerd Girl, and mal 12345.

    Bessie.
    I'm so glad you were honest with yourself and with him about it. I can tell by what he said here that he is torn between respecting your heart, your feelings, and your boundaries, and the urge to try to manipulate you into continuing the relationship.

    Good for you for resisting his charms and staying strong for the sake of your own emotional health.

  7. #47
    You have a choice! 21%'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by INTPness View Post
    I heard this on the radio today (John Tesh, heh) and thought of this thread: If a man tells you that he doesn't want to get serious or that he's not able to get serious (for whatever reason), then he really, really means that he does NOT want to get serious. Men do not want to disappoint women, so they will say this at the very beginning. And if they say this, they most likely will not change their mind at some later date for you. Taking it one step further, if they tell you this and you still stick around, the man then thinks that this means that you are OK with not getting involved - that you are OK with being casual - because he already stated that he doesn't want to get involved or can't get involved.

    I think this applies quite a bit to this situation, but what I don't like on behalf of the ENTP is him throwing all the sweet lines at her. "You're amazing." "I'll never find anyone like you again." He's essentially grasping at straws and doing whatever he can to keep sleeping with her - even though he knows it's at the expense of her heart. He was honest and up-front about not being able to commit long-term to her (which is good), but then he kind of toys with her and goes back and forth. "I can't get involved...............oh, but you're the most amazing woman I've ever met." That's definitely manipulating the situation, IMHO.
    Great post!

    I don't think it's entirely anyone's fault. The problem here is that it started all wrong. There are a lot of things that people usually advise against, because it just complicate matters, like
    a) getting into a 'relationship' right after the old one ends
    b) agreeing to be friends with benefits (I've never heard of one that ends well)
    c) getting involved even when you know you won't get to be together physically in the future

    But since he is moving away, I can totally understand the 'now or never' feel. It's really compelling and neither of you will be making rational decisions. I'd keep in mind, though the major red flag that INTPness pointed out (in bold) -- He likes you a lot, but he is either not taking your feelings into consideration or just simply lacks the strength to do so. Because of this, I'm afraid he is bad news for you (at least for now). When you are both more mature and have healed from this mess, who knows? But right now you both should concentrate on yourselves and move past all this.

    I'm in a long-distance relationship that didn't start long-distance and I strongly DO NOT recommend it, so I don't think there is hope that way. The best thing you can do now is try to move on and heal.

    Good luck
    4w5 sp/sx EII

  8. #48

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    Quote Originally Posted by INTPness View Post
    I think this applies quite a bit to this situation, but what I don't like on behalf of the ENTP is him throwing all the sweet lines at her. "You're amazing." "I'll never find anyone like you again." He's essentially grasping at straws and doing whatever he can to keep sleeping with her - even though he knows it's at the expense of her heart.
    Yeah, out of all of these posts that's the one conclusion I came to. He just really, really liked the sex. And he really, really wanted it to keep going.

    Which is nothing to feel bad about or feel used by! So you two didn't work out "as a couple" - you had a period of time with some awesome sex and you'll find other people you'll have great sex with in the future. You guys were actually pretty successful it seems in what you started out trying to do (being "fuckbuddies").

    My advice (as cut-and-dry as it might be): don't get involved in a friends with benefits relationship if you don't feel you can keep it that way. It's not fair to anyone (least of all yourself).

    Yes, there was manipulation on his part, but there was on yours as well. You knew he was looking for something casual, but pressed for something more. You continued to sleep with him even when you knew you were developing feelings for him. He played with your feelings you presented to him to stop from losing the sex. Many of the may have been genuine, but he certainly didn't need to voice them aloud, knowing how you felt. He was being emotionally selfish and you were being emotionally needy. I've never heard of that ending well.

    There is no "victim" in this scenario. It just happened.

  9. #49
    Senior Member redcheerio's Avatar
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    It also occurred to me that the definition of "fuck buddy" might not be as clear to someone from another culture and language as it is here.

    Native English speakers are well aware that it by definition implies an arrangement with NO emotions attached, purely sex and nothing else. However, in other cultures, a "lover" might be different from a full blown relationship, but there are still feelings on both sides? I dunno, just something that occurred to me. Maybe the translation book equated fuck buddy with lover? Again,

    But yeah, it sounds like an arrangement that Bessie would be best NOT to agree to in the future. That, and not getting involved with someone who just got out of another relationship, or who is planning to leave soon. Sometimes you've gotta try something to realize it doesn't work for you.

  10. #50
    Senior Member Uytuun's Avatar
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    Good on you for ending it. :thumbsup:

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