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[INTP] "Ignoring" Friends

Hera

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Dec 27, 2010
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304
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I don't know what it is, but lately I've been ignoring my friends and sort of moving around different groups of people. I have periods where I like some people a lot and then I need to move away from that friendship for a bit and talk to other people etc. It doesn't mean I'm less of a friends to them, I just need time away. I need to switch it up, if you will. Aside from my consistent few (very few), everyone is part of my friend carousel.

But not everyone understands. I've been called a bad friend by some people for "ignoring" them. I don't know how to explain what's going on in my head so I just actually ignore them when they ask me things. I don't think I've even been this extreme about it, though I've always been this way.

Anyone know what this is like or am I just a horrible person who should feel bad for not being interested in what people ate for lunch last Tuesday? ;)
 

JAVO

.
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Apr 24, 2007
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9,178
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eNTP
I do this too. I've always attributed it to Ne and exploring possibilities and new perspectives. I try to make friends who have a similar perspective, or who at least won't mind my absences. I also try to explain my preference and reasons to new friends so that they don't interpret my lack of communication negatively.

Anyone know what this is like or am I just a horrible person who should feel bad for not being interested in what people ate for lunch last Tuesday? ;)
I'm usually not even interested in what I'm eating for lunch today! :laugh: I point this out if anyone seems offended at my disinterest. My manager, project manager, and I were talking, and the conversation shifted to something I was passionately disinterested in. I interrupted and stated, "This is starting to really bore me, so I'm going back to work. :dry:" Then, I walked away as they laughed at my comment.
 
R

ReflecTcelfeR

Guest
I ignore friends too. It gets worse when they continue to bug me about hanging out after I've made it clear I don't want too. They just text and text.
 

cascadeco

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My manager, project manager, and I were talking, and the conversation shifted to something I was passionately disinterested in. I interrupted and stated, "This is starting to really bore me, so I'm going back to work. :dry:" Then, I walked away as they laughed at my comment.

Oh, if only!!! :laugh: I often get bored with conversation, but I would never say that.. I'd probably just find some excuse to leave / end social engagement, or I just sit there and start zoning out and not paying much attention.
 

InTheFlesh

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Jun 9, 2010
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Oh, if only!!! :laugh: I often get bored with conversation, but I would never say that.. I'd probably just find some excuse to leave / end social engagement, or I just sit there and start zoning out and not paying much attention.

If you bore me, this happens.
People think I'm a bit slow simply because I stop paying attention to them accidentally and miss half of what they say.
 

mujigay

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Hmmm....I've developed a bad habit of kind of "door slamming" people I'm not interested in talking to, who never seem to take the hint.
I can also doorslam former friends, who did something awful, and passed the point of discussion and negotiation.
Basically, if I don't want to talk to someone, I cut all ties. I won't even pick up the phone and tell you I have to go somewhere. I will ignore the phone, ignore the emails, delete the texts.
It's stupid, and passive-aggresive, but I can't help it. It's my default mode of dealing with difficult people.
 

InTheFlesh

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Hmmm....I've developed a bad habit of kind of "door slamming" people I'm not interested in talking to, who never seem to take the hint.
I can also doorslam former friends, who did something awful, and passed the point of discussion and negotiation.
Basically, if I don't want to talk to someone, I cut all ties. I won't even pick up the phone and tell you I have to go somewhere. I will ignore the phone, ignore the emails, delete the texts.
It's stupid, and passive-aggresive, but I can't help it. It's my default mode of dealing with difficult people.

When it was admitted to be stupid and passive-aggressive I stopped being critical of the actions, although that's probably pretty stupid.
 
P

Phantonym

Guest
You shouldn't feel bad about other people's expectations for you. You're not a horrible person. Otherwise you wouldn't be bothered by or worried/care about things like these.

I have periods where I like some people a lot and then I need to move away from that friendship for a bit and talk to other people etc. It doesn't mean I'm less of a friends to them, I just need time away.

Have you tried explaining that (the bolded especially) to your friends as well? Sometimes people just take things too personally and hold grudges even when you try to explain things to them.

I don't know how to explain what's going on in my head so I just actually ignore them when they ask me things.

Well, how about just saying that you don't know how to explain what's going on in your head? You can try to assure them that it doesn't make you less of a friend to them or maybe that you will explain things to them some time in the future once you've figured it out for yourself.
 

Fluffywolf

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If that makes you a horrible person, I don't want to know what I am. :D

Anyway, the truth of it all is that INTP's don't really do well on a consistent basic in a large group of friends, unless they are all similarly introverted and unbothered by occasional lapses of distantiation.. I myself have never had more then 3 or so people in my rl circle, of which 1 is like the main attraction and the others are like sidedishes. It's just how my focus works, plus, I don't feel the need to have many friends unlike some types do.

Anyways, I've never been good at 'keeping' a friend close. Mostly due to the fact I can't go out in weekends anymore for the past few years due to my job. Or at least, before that occupation I regularly went out with a friend or two.. Even though there are some people I still call friends, I don't hang out or even contact them regularly anymore. But! they are at least the type of people that, should I feel the need or have the need for them, I could contact them. So they are like the perfect friends for INTP's. I truely feel blessed. :>

But from outsider perspective, I would probably seem pretty friendless. :p
 

Hera

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You shouldn't feel bad about other people's expectations for you. You're not a horrible person. Otherwise you wouldn't be bothered by or worried/care about things like these.



Have you tried explaining that (the bolded especially) to your friends as well? Sometimes people just take things too personally and hold grudges even when you try to explain things to them.



Well, how about just saying that you don't know how to explain what's going on in your head? You can try to assure them that it doesn't make you less of a friend to them or maybe that you will explain things to them some time in the future once you've figured it out for yourself.

Some people just don't understand. My ENFP friend doesn't back off no matter how many times I tell him to leave me alone and that I need time to think. He'll say "I know you said you're upset, and that you don't want to talk, but..." Just. No. Leave me alone, I will come to you.
 
A

A window to the soul

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I ignore friends too, in spurts. I draw people in close and move on to something or someone else. I like to reach out every now and then. Send a poke and run. Even still, my luv is real. : )
 

Jonny

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Sep 8, 2009
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Not something that I tend to do. Sure, on occasion, when I'm particularly busy or antisocial I will isolate myself and decline invitations, but for the most part I always have time for those who are close to me. Acquaintances, on the other hand, I shun frequently and with gusto.
 

MacGuffin

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I ignore a lot of people lately, it is refreshing.

Things go in cycles, I wouldn't worry too much about it.
 
N

NPcomplete

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I have a small group of close friends (4 maximum) and we talk to each other whenever we feel like, knowing that us not talking to each regularly doesn't mean we lurv each other less. We all have similar habits though so I think that's why we don't feel each others' absences so much.

I tend to "avoid" certain acquaintances sometimes when I'm busy. I used to worry that they would find me rude but I resolved that by telling them that I sometimes forget most people's existence for a while when I'm busy but that I'll come back eventually. Also they contact me when they think that it's been too long.
 

kyuuei

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Some people just don't understand. My ENFP friend doesn't back off no matter how many times I tell him to leave me alone and that I need time to think. He'll say "I know you said you're upset, and that you don't want to talk, but..." Just. No. Leave me alone, I will come to you.

:laugh: .. It's hard for us. I know that for most of my human communication.. if *I* don't maintain the connection, I will lose it. People just don't put forth the effort I put into them. Usually.. when I truly do leave someone alone and wait for them to come to me.. I never hear from them again. When people say "I will come to you".. I just can't believe them. It just doesn't happen.. it's something people usually say, but never do. I feel like I've done something wrong, so I need to fix it.. correct it. But the reality is, there isn't much I can do. So I just sit there, punished by my friend and told to never communicate with someone I love communicating with.. and there's nothing I can do. It's an awful feeling.
 

Stigmata

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I do the same thing if it's someone I'm around on a constant basis, yet not with any sort of mean-spirited intentions in doing so. Basically, once I unravel the layers of mystery surrounding a person, the novelty that sparked my initial interest fades rapidly and I start to realize how predictable they are. At this point I generally distance myself from them, sometimes temporarily and sometimes permanently.
 

manonastick

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Jun 29, 2011
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I had someone who said to me, " ya know, I would rather talk with them on the phone for 45 minutes every few weeks."

We have lots of different friends at lots of different times.

Normal people are always looking for 'something' in friends, humor them yet keep time
 

MiasmaResonance

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I suppose I "ignore" my friends as well. However, they do not become offended by this or pressure me to be involved. I am lucky to have friends who understand how I operate.
 

kissmyasthma

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I don't know if I'd say I ignore any of my friends, but sometimes I'll politely decline an invitation from someone I've spent a lot of time with. Sometimes I feel like spending too much time with one person makes me feel... detached from them, somehow.
 

Crescent Fresh

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This is one of the most difficult issue which I have to deal with in my daily life.

I need to withdraw from people when I have to deal with my own crisis. And I need space. The problem is most of my friends think that it's related to them. And people tend to take it very personally whenever I tried to avoid phone calls, text messages, or emails. Though I think I should've at least give them a hint about this, most of the time I don't do that. And things become complicated after a while. :(

However, since I also do this as an avoidance of emotional conflicts, perhaps that's why people around me get frustrated with receiving mixed signals from me.

It's quite complicated anyhow. :(
 
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