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  1. #41
    Senior Member INTPness's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by memz View Post
    I would never show up unannounced. Even though we have been together 6 months, I still call when he knows I am coming and I still knock on the door. I had his garage door opener for quite some time and could have gone over when ever and snooped but I never did. I wouldn't want it done to me, so I would never do it to someone else. I do however stay over there on my work weekends and sometimes on the other weekend if my kids go to their grandparents. He has left me there by myself if he had to go somewhere the next morning, and I have done the dishes and things like that. I really don't mind helping out since he is letting me stay there and has let me wash my uniforms before work the next day. Here is my question though...The last time I washed my uniform there and he threw in some other clothes with them, I asked him if he wanted me to fold the clothes as I dug for my uniform. He said no. Should I have just not asked and done it anyways? I don't want him thinking I am trying to invade in that way, but I also felt bad for not doing it since I was perfectly able. He said he knew I would have. I also seriously want to clean his bathrooms. If given the opportunity, would it be bad if I just did it instead of offering or asking? I feel silly for asking this, but I don't want to seem like I am invading space.
    Yeah, if you're in his home, don't start cleaning and all that stuff. It's certainly OK to ask, "Would you mind if I fold your laundry?" or "I'm going to spend 20 minutes and clean up your bathroom, is that cool?". But, if he says "no" or seems hesitant, leave it alone. Just drop the subject right there. No means no with us. And I'm 99% sure he's going to say no on those things. If you're married someday, then maybe he'll be OK with you doing those things for "the family" or for "the household", and he'll do other things for you as well. But, at this stage, if he says "no" - don't take it amongst yourself. And definitely don't take his "no" personally. It's nothing to do with not trusting you or anything like that. I know for me, it's just that my home is my haven - that's "my introvert territory" - even though things may be scattered sometimes, it all makes sense to me. And I don't want someone coming in and changing it and making it how "they want it" - cuz, guess what? You don't live there. I do. You probably wouldn't want him coming to your place and just deciding to fold your laundry and clean your house. Maybe you wouldn't care - but I'm guessing you probably would.

    As for what Jenaphor said, I think it's spot on. Instead of saying something like, "I feel really neglected. I feel like we don't spend enough time together. You're always busy." To me, that feels like an ultimatum. Like you're making me choose between you and my work, hobbies, or his kids, etc. You're basically saying, "Spend more time with me now or I'm going to be sad all the time."

    Instead, it's good if you leave it more open ended. Something like, "I really enjoy it when we watch a movie together or go get dinner. It's one of my favorite things to do. Hint, hint - call me this weekend if nothing is going on!!! *wink*" And then, here's the important part: Just leave it at that. Don't bring it up again. You made your request known, you told him you'd like more time together. If he cares about you and if he truly enjoys your company, then he's going to accomodate your request out of love and respect for you. But, it's not forced and it's not whiny and demanding. And don't expect him to respond with, "OK, come on over tomorrow night!" Just let the request sit with him for a while - let him think about it - and he will slowly begin to find ways to include you in more things.

    Basically, don't do this: "Wah, wah, wah, I never get my way. You always do this and you always do that. And you never this and you never that. And I feel bad and I feel down and I feel left out and I feel rejected." That kind of talk closes me off. I shut it down real quick. I'm not very responsive to it. It sounds complainy.

    Instead, be upbeat and suggest things here and there and tell him that those things make you happy. Or flirt. Hug him and say, "What do you say we go to dinner" and then purr like a kitten. Or, wrap your leg around him or whatever. (I'm just thinking of stupid examples here). Be playful and funny about it - it keeps things light and it appeals to Ne. You're essentially requesting the same exact thing, but you're not acting like a Debbie Downer and you're leaving it up to him to accomodate you. And, if he cares for you - he'll do it sometimes. Maybe not always - but he will think it through and try to make you happy.

    Just keep in mind that you may want to spend 3 nights a week with him, and he may only want 1 night/week for now. You can't expect him to come all the way up to your level. If you want 3 nights and he wants 1, then your goal should be to get him to 2 (in the middle) - but not 3. Always look for the middle ground between what he wants and what you want.
    NTJ's are the only types that have ever made me feel emo.
    ENP's are the only types that have ever made me feel like a sensor.


    There are two great days in a person's life - the day we are born and the day we discover why. --William Barclay

  2. #42
    Senior Member INTPness's Avatar
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    I think at some point, with too much advice, it becomes contrived. I don't want your relationship with your INTP to be contrived based on a few internet threads. Really, the answer is that you just have to be who you are and allow him to be who he is - and it will either work out well, or not so much. All of the input in your threads gives you some good guidelines and insight into how an INTP "may" behave, but you still have to play it out in real life.

    It's like when an inferior sports team plays a team that is far superior to them. And everyone just KNOWS that the superior team is going to win. On paper, the inferior team has no chance of winning. And then, when they actually play the game, the inferior team wins the game. And then people say, "That's why they play the game." If they just decided the outcome based on statistics or what's on paper, they wouldn't have to play it out "in real life".

    Be yourself and just play it out. But, you know, try not to be anxious. That stuff ruins relationships. Just enjoy it and try to relax.
    NTJ's are the only types that have ever made me feel emo.
    ENP's are the only types that have ever made me feel like a sensor.


    There are two great days in a person's life - the day we are born and the day we discover why. --William Barclay

  3. #43
    small potatoes NotOfTwo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by memz View Post
    I have never really thought he was being secretive as much as I thought he just didn't trust me yet. I tend to feel people out before I trust them. It usually takes me quite some time to build up trust. Funny thing with him is that I have always felt like I could trust him. I'm at ease telling him stuff. But I think he is alot like you are describing. He tells stuff as it comes up. One time we were talking about his ex wife and he said she used to buy random useless things. I casually asked like what. He just said not to worry about it. So I've learned too that when he tells me stuff just to listen and not ask to many questions. He will shut down just as quick as he started talking. Tonight he called me and as we were talking he asked me what I meant by something I said like 2 weeks ago. I remembered what he was talking about, but what is up with waiting 2 weeks to ask. Do INTP's really sit on stuff that long thinking about it before they ask?
    YES!!! I dated someone who was also an INTP and he used to laugh his head off at me. Me, "Remember when you asked me why I like bats?" Him, "No. Wait. That was like 3 months ago!" Me, "Yes, well I have something I want to add to that..." He did the same thing.

    2 weeks isn't that bad. Just be happy, it means he has you on his mind. Good for you, learning not to pull for info. I know it's a hard road for you Fs.
    "It's never enough." The Cure

  4. #44
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    Quote Originally Posted by INTPness View Post
    I think at some point, with too much advice, it becomes contrived. I don't want your relationship with your INTP to be contrived based on a few internet threads. Really, the answer is that you just have to be who you are and allow him to be who he is - and it will either work out well, or not so much. All of the input in your threads gives you some good guidelines and insight into how an INTP "may" behave, but you still have to play it out in real life.

    It's like when an inferior sports team plays a team that is far superior to them. And everyone just KNOWS that the superior team is going to win. On paper, the inferior team has no chance of winning. And then, when they actually play the game, the inferior team wins the game. And then people say, "That's why they play the game." If they just decided the outcome based on statistics or what's on paper, they wouldn't have to play it out "in real life".

    Be yourself and just play it out. But, you know, try not to be anxious. That stuff ruins relationships. Just enjoy it and try to relax.
    I get what you are saying about things having to play out in real life. I definitely wouldn't take everything that I read on here or that someone tells me to heart. I'm one to take things in and think about it before I react to it or make a decision. But I love hearing everyone's opinions and thoughts because thus far everything has made sense as far as behaviors and things that have happened. I know he is an individual and not the same as all INTP's. But I love being able to have reference to something that helps me communicate and relate to him better. Alot of people have told me that I should just move on because he seems like a jerk. I can see why people might say that, but in my eyes that is just him being himself. He often says he is misunderstood. So I know when he says something to me that might be misunderstood I stop, think about it then ask him to clarify if need be. I often feel misunderstood myself which is why I try to think about something before I react. But you are right I need to relax and just enjoy things as they are. I feel a whole lot less anxious now that we are back together but have talked about things. We may not be a perfect match and who knows where the relationship will go, but for now its definitely where I want to be.

  5. #45
    Senior Member INTPness's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by memz View Post
    I get what you are saying about things having to play out in real life. I definitely wouldn't take everything that I read on here or that someone tells me to heart. I'm one to take things in and think about it before I react to it or make a decision. But I love hearing everyone's opinions and thoughts because thus far everything has made sense as far as behaviors and things that have happened. I know he is an individual and not the same as all INTP's. But I love being able to have reference to something that helps me communicate and relate to him better. Alot of people have told me that I should just move on because he seems like a jerk. I can see why people might say that, but in my eyes that is just him being himself. He often says he is misunderstood. So I know when he says something to me that might be misunderstood I stop, think about it then ask him to clarify if need be. I often feel misunderstood myself which is why I try to think about something before I react. But you are right I need to relax and just enjoy things as they are. I feel a whole lot less anxious now that we are back together but have talked about things. We may not be a perfect match and who knows where the relationship will go, but for now its definitely where I want to be.
    Nice.
    NTJ's are the only types that have ever made me feel emo.
    ENP's are the only types that have ever made me feel like a sensor.


    There are two great days in a person's life - the day we are born and the day we discover why. --William Barclay

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