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  1. #31
    As Long As It Takes.... Redbone's Avatar
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    I hate being put in positions like that (having to be "the bad guy") cuz I really do care. It's just too much sometimes. Be independent and I will love you til the cows come home. Be overbearing and I will scratch and claw and, quite frankly, you're probably not going to like me. It just won't work out in the long run. If you're forcing an INTP to spend time with you, the relationship is in big trouble. I promise you.
    Absolutely. I've had to do this and I always come off as being seen as 'mean' or 'cold'. "You've never acted like this before..." That's because you didn't listen to me. When I said I needed space, I meant just that. Trying to connect or contact at that point is like using an overheated circuit.

    Unwise.
    My INTP used to show up on MY doorstep unnanounced, sometimes late, after getting back from travelling; and then want to spend the weekend together, even if it was just laundry and catching up on chores on the agenda. I guess this indicated serious commitment already, plus we usually had the whole workweek apart.
    Haha...you guys are still together, too, aren't you?

  2. #32
    Analytical Dreamer Coriolis's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Redbone View Post
    Haha...you guys are still together, too, aren't you?
    > 10 years now . . . amazing someone could put up with me that long/at all.
    I've been called a criminal, a terrorist, and a threat to the known universe. But everything you were told is a lie. The truth is, they've taken our freedom, our home, and our future. The time has come for all humanity to take a stand...

  3. #33
    Senior Member Santosha's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by memz View Post
    So my question for all you INTP's is what is the best way to communicate and feel connected with out being overly clingy? I know there is going to have to be some compromise. Are there any books or articles out there about these types of relationships? I welcome any advice or opinions. Thanks for reading.
    Memz, I'm not an INTP but I wanted to touch on a few things here. Take it from a fellow feeler that has a NEED to be close, both physically and emotionally to the people I love. Probably one of the biggest mistakes I think I have made, romantically, is trying to alter myself and my needs too much, because I met someone that was really, really cool. It's understandeable. This guy is probably a great guy, and it is up to you how much of your own needs you want to change to meet his.

    My question is.. how many of his needs is he letting slide to accomodate yours? You'll hear that mature individuals of any time can form a happy relation, and I don't doubt it. The question is.. what things can you bend on, and what things can't you. This autonomy and space does NOT seem to lighten up with INTP's, ime. This is actually one of their requirements.. and they are very unlikely to yield. Even when they do yeild, I see it as only temporary and something that causes resentment in them. So before you press on, invest alot of time and effort into someone, I think you should ask yourself if giving a partner alot of free time ALWAYS is something you want. I would not make the mistake of hoping that INTP dude is one day going to fall madly in love spending large amounts of time. He might fall madly in love, but he will ALWAYS need alone time and struggle with emotional intimacy and other feeler-ish concepts.

    I just don't see the point in dragging yourself through it, when it is hard enough to maintain long-term relations with those that already have similar core needs. Just understand what you can bend on, and what you can't. I don't know all that many feelers that can bend on emotional needs and quality time. The s/n dynamic *could* be a problem in itself. Look at your life goals, consider what a happy relation is to you.. and ask yourself if INTP-dude is capeable of giving these things. If he's not, do yourself a favor and quit now.

    This probably reads much harsher than intended. And NOT trying to down INTP's in anyway.. I've just seen alot of failed relations with INTP's over the exact problems your starting to run into.
    Man suffers only because he takes seriously what the gods made for fun - Watts

  4. #34
    Senior Member INTPness's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Huxley3112 View Post
    Memz, I'm not an INTP but I wanted to touch on a few things here. Take it from a fellow feeler that has a NEED to be close, both physically and emotionally to the people I love. Probably one of the biggest mistakes I think I have made, romantically, is trying to alter myself and my needs too much, because I met someone that was really, really cool. It's understandeable. This guy is probably a great guy, and it is up to you how much of your own needs you want to change to meet his.

    My question is.. how many of his needs is he letting slide to accomodate yours? You'll hear that mature individuals of any time can form a happy relation, and I don't doubt it. The question is.. what things can you bend on, and what things can't you. This autonomy and space does NOT seem to lighten up with INTP's, ime. This is actually one of their requirements.. and they are very unlikely to yield. Even when they do yeild, I see it as only temporary and something that causes resentment in them. So before you press on, invest alot of time and effort into someone, I think you should ask yourself if giving a partner alot of free time ALWAYS is something you want. I would not make the mistake of hoping that INTP dude is one day going to fall madly in love spending large amounts of time. He might fall madly in love, but he will ALWAYS need alone time and struggle with emotional intimacy and other feeler-ish concepts.

    I just don't see the point in dragging yourself through it, when it is hard enough to maintain long-term relations with those that already have similar core needs. Just understand what you can bend on, and what you can't. I don't know all that many feelers that can bend on emotional needs and quality time. The s/n dynamic *could* be a problem in itself. Look at your life goals, consider what a happy relation is to you.. and ask yourself if INTP-dude is capeable of giving these things. If he's not, do yourself a favor and quit now.

    This probably reads much harsher than intended. And NOT trying to down INTP's in anyway.. I've just seen alot of failed relations with INTP's over the exact problems your starting to run into.
    I agree with a lot of this. I think the reason a lot of us have unsuccessful relationships is that if it's not a "really good fit" naturally (from the beginning), then we aren't going to invest the time to make it work. We are very capable of having good, healthy, long-lasting relationships, but it has to be a "good fit" first - and then we will pour our energy into it and become invested. And part of it being a good fit (one part of many factors) is that the other person appreciates our need for space/autonomy. If they don't like that in us/appreciate us for who we are, why invest?
    NTJ's are the only types that have ever made me feel emo.
    ENP's are the only types that have ever made me feel like a sensor.


    There are two great days in a person's life - the day we are born and the day we discover why. --William Barclay

  5. #35
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    Thank you everyone for the replies! I have to say that even though I have only been on the board for a few days I still feel like I have learned quite alot. My last 2 relationships I felt sort of abandoned, hence my sort of clinginess. Sure I am an ISFP, but I have needs to be left alone as well. My ex-husband was overbearing and jealous and I felt smothered. So I can appreciate some alone time and someone not being on my every move.

    When I entered my current relationship, I had the insecuritity of him maybe saying he would call then not. But that never happened, so I have gotten a little more confident in that way. I have always known he is more the loner type. That is fine, but occassionally it is nice to hear that someone is thinking of you, or what ever. One thing that I now realizes helps us is that I am in school and live in a different town. So I don't see him every day. In the 2 weeks that we have been back together I think I have seen him maybe 2-3 times if that. I like that I am able to do my thing and he is able to do his. Over all of this time I have learned that I can rely on him and he gets the logistics of having kids. Those are huge comforts for me.

    After reading alot of the posts and responses on this forum, I feel like I have a slightly better understanding of what he needs and how he thinks. No surprise that he never told me he loves his space or that he gives in depth info a little at a time as he gets to know me better. But now everything is making sense. I want to and willing to see where this relationship goes. I'm not one to give up on something because its not everything I expected. He may or may not always meet my needs, but then again am I always going to meet his? I know he tries to meet mine and I try to meet his, but we both have to learn to compromise. I don't text him all day long or even expect long conversations every night. I'm ok with the quick text saying its been a busy day and we will talk later. It does seem to get a little monotneous if we are only talking daily about what we ate for dinner and have nothing else to say. When we decided to get back together though, I told him that if something isn't working or if one of us are upset about something I would rather talk about it first. Then if we can't solve the issue discuss moving on.

  6. #36
    nee andante bechimo's Avatar
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    Bear in mind that discussing "feeling" topics can be like pulling teeth for an INTP and many NTs in general, particularly when it's a no win situation or they feel cornered. While subjective decision making and feelings in general are your comfort zone, imagine how exhausting it would be for you to act like an INTP. If you can imagine this, you can also figure out how to address conversations about emotions with an INTP. Perhaps objective and logical impersonal non-attacking observations might work better so he doesn't feel cornered.

  7. #37
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    Quote Originally Posted by Coriolis View Post
    My INTP used to show up on MY doorstep unnanounced, sometimes late, after getting back from travelling; and then want to spend the weekend together, even if it was just laundry and catching up on chores on the agenda. I guess this indicated serious commitment already, plus we usually had the whole workweek apart.
    I would never show up unannounced. Even though we have been together 6 months, I still call when he knows I am coming and I still knock on the door. I had his garage door opener for quite some time and could have gone over when ever and snooped but I never did. I wouldn't want it done to me, so I would never do it to someone else. I do however stay over there on my work weekends and sometimes on the other weekend if my kids go to their grandparents. He has left me there by myself if he had to go somewhere the next morning, and I have done the dishes and things like that. I really don't mind helping out since he is letting me stay there and has let me wash my uniforms before work the next day. Here is my question though...The last time I washed my uniform there and he threw in some other clothes with them, I asked him if he wanted me to fold the clothes as I dug for my uniform. He said no. Should I have just not asked and done it anyways? I don't want him thinking I am trying to invade in that way, but I also felt bad for not doing it since I was perfectly able. He said he knew I would have. I also seriously want to clean his bathrooms. If given the opportunity, would it be bad if I just did it instead of offering or asking? I feel silly for asking this, but I don't want to seem like I am invading space.

  8. #38
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jenaphor View Post
    Bear in mind that discussing "feeling" topics can be like pulling teeth for an INTP and many NTs in general, particularly when it's a no win situation or they feel cornered. While subjective decision making and feelings in general are your comfort zone, imagine how exhausting it would be for you to act like an INTP. If you can imagine this, you can also figure out how to address conversations about emotions with an INTP. Perhaps objective and logical impersonal non-attacking observations might work better so he doesn't feel cornered.
    Can you give me an example of what you mean. I try really hard when I am telling him the way I am feeling to say "I feel..." and not use "you did this or that" or "You make me feel..." Well unless it is something good.

  9. #39
    nee andante bechimo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by memz View Post
    Can you give me an example of what you mean. I try really hard when I am telling him the way I am feeling to say "I feel..." and not use "you did this or that" or "You make me feel..." Well unless it is something good.
    Another INTP would be better at explaining what triggers them. But as an observer, consider their need for autonomy. If they feel you're trying to control their actions, they will withdraw further so it's logical to assume (and this might be presumptuous) that instead of trying to make them meet your needs, any requests must be framed as requests that are asking for their buy-in, in a manner that's as objective as feelings can be.

  10. #40
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jenaphor View Post
    Another INTP would be better at explaining what triggers them. But as an observer, consider their need for autonomy. If they feel you're trying to control their actions, they will withdraw further so it's logical to assume (and this might be presumptuous) that instead of trying to make them meet your needs, any requests must be framed as requests that are asking for their buy-in, in a manner that's as objective as feelings can be.
    Thanks!

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