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  1. #21
    Senior Member INTPness's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tallulah View Post
    Something that frustrates some of the feelers in my life is the fact that I tend to share things organically, as they come up and are germain to the conversation at hand. It's always felt strange and unnatural to just volunteer a lot of extraneous information about myself. It can seem to others as if I"m being secretive, but really, it's just that it hasn't come up yet. But the intensely personal stuff? I have to know you and trust you a lot before I spill that. I have to know you're invested and trustworthy, and won't throw it back in my face or blab to others.
    Bingo!

    Quote Originally Posted by memz View Post
    I have never really thought he was being secretive as much as I thought he just didn't trust me yet. I tend to feel people out before I trust them. It usually takes me quite some time to build up trust. Funny thing with him is that I have always felt like I could trust him. I'm at ease telling him stuff. But I think he is alot like you are describing. He tells stuff as it comes up. One time we were talking about his ex wife and he said she used to buy random useless things. I casually asked like what. He just said not to worry about it. So I've learned too that when he tells me stuff just to listen and not ask to many questions. He will shut down just as quick as he started talking. Tonight he called me and as we were talking he asked me what I meant by something I said like 2 weeks ago. I remembered what he was talking about, but what is up with waiting 2 weeks to ask. Do INTP's really sit on stuff that long thinking about it before they ask?
    Time doesn't really matter to me in that way. From the day I meet someone, it's like I have a mental file of that person. And all of our conversations go into that file, whether it was a year ago or 1 hour ago. And everything in that file is accessible at any given moment. Sometimes for good, sometimes not so good. You may hear an INTP say something like, "A long time ago you told me X, but now you're saying something different and contradictory." And sometimes the other person will say to me, "When did I say that?" And I'll say, "I dunno, like 8 months ago - maybe a year." And they're like:
    NTJ's are the only types that have ever made me feel emo.
    ENP's are the only types that have ever made me feel like a sensor.


    There are two great days in a person's life - the day we are born and the day we discover why. --William Barclay

  2. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by INTPness View Post
    Bingo!



    Time doesn't really matter to me in that way. From the day I meet someone, it's like I have a mental file of that person. And all of our conversations go into that file, whether it was a year ago or 1 hour ago. And everything in that file is accessible at any given moment. Sometimes for good, sometimes not so good. You may hear an INTP say something like, "A long time ago you told me X, but now you're saying something different and contradictory." And sometimes the other person will say to me, "When did I say that?" And I'll say, "I dunno, like 8 months ago - maybe a year." And they're like:
    This is exactly what happens. If I say something that he doesn't understand he will wait weeks sometimes months to ask me about it. How am I supposed to remember what I meant months ago when we probably weren't even talking about anything serious? Then if I answer the wrong way, he may think I meant something completely different or it may affect something negatively. I love that he asks me what I meant instead of assuming, as I often feel misunderstood myself. But sheesh that feels like alot of pressure.

  3. #23
    Senior Member INTPness's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by memz View Post
    This is exactly what happens. If I say something that he doesn't understand he will wait weeks sometimes months to ask me about it. How am I supposed to remember what I meant months ago when we probably weren't even talking about anything serious? Then if I answer the wrong way, he may think I meant something completely different or it may affect something negatively. I love that he asks me what I meant instead of assuming, as I often feel misunderstood myself. But sheesh that feels like alot of pressure.
    Doesn't need to be a lot of pressure. When he does this, just simply explain your thoughts. He's just trying to get clarification about how you feel or think about the issue.
    NTJ's are the only types that have ever made me feel emo.
    ENP's are the only types that have ever made me feel like a sensor.


    There are two great days in a person's life - the day we are born and the day we discover why. --William Barclay

  4. #24
    Analytical Dreamer Coriolis's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by INTPness View Post
    Time doesn't really matter to me in that way. From the day I meet someone, it's like I have a mental file of that person. And all of our conversations go into that file, whether it was a year ago or 1 hour ago. And everything in that file is accessible at any given moment. Sometimes for good, sometimes not so good. You may hear an INTP say something like, "A long time ago you told me X, but now you're saying something different and contradictory." And sometimes the other person will say to me, "When did I say that?" And I'll say, "I dunno, like 8 months ago - maybe a year." And they're like:
    If my INTP is anything to go by, however, they do not like it when someone else reminds them of what they said months ago.
    I've been called a criminal, a terrorist, and a threat to the known universe. But everything you were told is a lie. The truth is, they've taken our freedom, our home, and our future. The time has come for all humanity to take a stand...

  5. #25
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    We're contradictory like that.

    (Mostly we just don't like being proven wrong.)

  6. #26
    You have a choice! 21%'s Avatar
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    Wow, this thread just made me remember how feeling my INFP really is

    My dad is INTP, and everything that has been said seems right. He needs a lot of alone time to do his own thing. Sometimes that means 'all day long except at dinner'.

    Regarding the OP's original issue with the 'no communication', I think it's also important for your INTP to realize that people really have different needs, and it doesn't mean that they are clingy and insecure (an undesirable 'flaw') just because they need more communication. In my case, I need to hear from my loved ones every day, because I grew up in a family that teaches you that you always have tell people or at least leave a note if you are going somewhere, always call if you're going to be late, always let people know where you are or what you are doing. If you don't, that means something bad has happened to you and people will start looking for you. So in my relationship, this becomes very important as well. If I were with an INTP I'd probably understand his need for space, but for the relationship to work, I don't think I will ever be able to deal with "I'll only call you whenever I feel like it and you'll have to accept that".

    But then, six months isn't a very long time yet, so there will be time and room for more understanding. ISFPs tend to set NO boundaries in relationships and end up too accommodating -- so while you make adjustments on your side, don't forget that he should be trying to understand you more on his side too!
    4w5 sp/sx EII

  7. #27
    Senior Member INTPness's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Coriolis View Post
    If my INTP is anything to go by, however, they do not like it when someone else reminds them of what they said months ago.
    Probably true.

    Quote Originally Posted by 21% View Post
    Wow, this thread just made me remember how feeling my INFP really is

    My dad is INTP, and everything that has been said seems right. He needs a lot of alone time to do his own thing. Sometimes that means 'all day long except at dinner'.

    Regarding the OP's original issue with the 'no communication', I think it's also important for your INTP to realize that people really have different needs, and it doesn't mean that they are clingy and insecure (an undesirable 'flaw') just because they need more communication. In my case, I need to hear from my loved ones every day, because I grew up in a family that teaches you that you always have tell people or at least leave a note if you are going somewhere, always call if you're going to be late, always let people know where you are or what you are doing. If you don't, that means something bad has happened to you and people will start looking for you. So in my relationship, this becomes very important as well. If I were with an INTP I'd probably understand his need for space, but for the relationship to work, I don't think I will ever be able to deal with "I'll only call you whenever I feel like it and you'll have to accept that".

    But then, six months isn't a very long time yet, so there will be time and room for more understanding. ISFPs tend to set NO boundaries in relationships and end up too accommodating -- so while you make adjustments on your side, don't forget that he should be trying to understand you more on his side too!
    Yeah, once trust has been established and I know that we're both highly invested, then I make that decision that "yes, I'm committing myself fully to this and to her happiness". At that point, I have no problem keeping in close contact, calling/communicating what is going on in each other's lives, etc. It's not realistic to be in a relationship and to say, "I'll just call you whenever it's convenient for me and you'll just have to deal with it." That's pretty selfish. But, this particular relationship (OP) is still forming - boundaries are still being set, personalities are still being discovered, the "battlefield" is still being navigated so to speak. I have no "intentions" of purposely not calling the person I'm dating, but if I feel that they are not giving me adequate space, I will then create some space for myself. I will pull back and make sure that I have adequate time to do the things I need to do and to be me. I've only ever done this once, but I've had to literally turn off my phone for like 3 days and not check e-mail. Just tune things out because there was so much insecurity and she was needing to have like 4 hour discussions every single night to be reassured and she would take days off work to come spend the day with me. So, it was all day, every day sort of thing. And then after explaining that I needed space to myself, she said, "Oh, OK, well I'll just work on the computer and stay quiet." Ummmm, no, you're not getting it - we're together WAY too much and it's really starting to make my skin crawl.

    When someone is so blinded that they can't even recognize or see that you're telling them to stop what they are doing, then you have to find another way to get your space. I remember telling her, "Look, we spent all day together Monday - not by plan, but by surprise because you suddenly took the day off from work, then we talked for 4 hours that night. Then on Tuesday, we spent 4 hours talking AGAIN - about the same thing. Wednesday I was sitting here doing my thing while watching the game on TV and you came over unannounced and took over the TV and kept telling me to watch every 2 minutes. I need some time. Some real time to myself. Maybe a week. Maybe even two. I just need to get back on my schedule, get back to doing the things I do. I'm starting to feel like a fish out of water here." Then she agrees, gets home, and starts sending out e-mails and long texts, etc. It's just too much. Phone is going off. I'm not checking my e-mail. Cuz you just don't get it.

    I hate being put in positions like that (having to be "the bad guy") cuz I really do care. It's just too much sometimes. Be independent and I will love you til the cows come home. Be overbearing and I will scratch and claw and, quite frankly, you're probably not going to like me. It just won't work out in the long run. If you're forcing an INTP to spend time with you, the relationship is in big trouble. I promise you.
    NTJ's are the only types that have ever made me feel emo.
    ENP's are the only types that have ever made me feel like a sensor.


    There are two great days in a person's life - the day we are born and the day we discover why. --William Barclay

  8. #28
    You have a choice! 21%'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by INTPness View Post
    Yeah, once trust has been established and I know that we're both highly invested, then I make that decision that "yes, I'm committing myself fully to this and to her happiness". At that point, I have no problem keeping in close contact, calling/communicating what is going on in each other's lives, etc. It's not realistic to be in a relationship and to say, "I'll just call you whenever it's convenient for me and you'll just have to deal with it." That's pretty selfish.
    Ok, that makes perfect sense. The funny thing I had a discussion long time ago with the Fi folks and they seem to think something along the line of: "If I want to call you, I'll call you. It has to be motivated by my feelings, not by obligation. Otherwise it's just fake and worthless." In the end, however, they do care. They just have a problem with 'should's.

    Thanks for this reply. It confirms something I have been thinking about

    But, this particular relationship (OP) is still forming - boundaries are still being set, personalities are still being discovered, the "battlefield" is still being navigated so to speak. I have no "intentions" of purposely not calling the person I'm dating, but if I feel that they are not giving me adequate space, I will then create some space for myself.
    ...
    It's just too much. Phone is going off. I'm not checking my e-mail. Cuz you just don't get it.
    That's some pretty extreme clinginess...

    I hate being put in positions like that (having to be "the bad guy") cuz I really do care. It's just too much sometimes. Be independent and I will love you til the cows come home. Be overbearing and I will scratch and claw and, quite frankly, you're probably not going to like me. It just won't work out in the long run. If you're forcing an INTP to spend time with you, the relationship is in big trouble. I promise you.
    INTPs -- cuddly on the inside
    4w5 sp/sx EII

  9. #29
    Analytical Dreamer Coriolis's Avatar
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    My INTP used to show up on MY doorstep unnanounced, sometimes late, after getting back from travelling; and then want to spend the weekend together, even if it was just laundry and catching up on chores on the agenda. I guess this indicated serious commitment already, plus we usually had the whole workweek apart.
    I've been called a criminal, a terrorist, and a threat to the known universe. But everything you were told is a lie. The truth is, they've taken our freedom, our home, and our future. The time has come for all humanity to take a stand...

  10. #30
    Senior Member INTPness's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 21% View Post
    That's some pretty extreme clinginess...
    And so goes my ISFP experience. I would never say that all ISFP's are like this, but, sometimes this can happen in relationships - especially in those beginning stages where everything is new and fresh and one of the partner's starts to fall in love (we've probably all been there - where we feel like we're on cloud 9 - I know I have). She really was a sweet girl and lots of fun - she just gave up everything (hobbies, friends, even work sometimes, etc.) and wanted all of that time from me and wouldn't accomodate me when I voiced my frustrations. I just don't do well with that - cuz it means I have to give up everything myself. You can only sustain that for so long before you run out of energy.

    INTPs -- cuddly on the inside
    Always.

    Quote Originally Posted by Coriolis View Post
    My INTP used to show up on MY doorstep unnanounced, sometimes late, after getting back from travelling; and then want to spend the weekend together, even if it was just laundry and catching up on chores on the agenda. I guess this indicated serious commitment already, plus we usually had the whole workweek apart.
    Your INTP liked you - a lot!
    NTJ's are the only types that have ever made me feel emo.
    ENP's are the only types that have ever made me feel like a sensor.


    There are two great days in a person's life - the day we are born and the day we discover why. --William Barclay

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