[NT] NT romance: general inquiry

[funkadelik]

Do you guys ever notice yourselves becoming less internally energized, or unenthusiastic & kind of dry & barren-feeling inside if you go a while without being engaged with someone in a romantic / relationship-type way?

No, I wouldn't say it's like that. I've been single for over a year now and I wouldn't say my emotional state has changed all that much since when I was in a relationship a year ago. Of course there was a little hiccup when we broke up, but those bad feelings didn't last long. I function emotionally very much the same in a relationship as I do out of one.

But I do miss it and I do seek that kind of companionship that a relationship provides. I don't "yearn" for it, but when it works I truly enjoy it. But I'd rather be single than in a relationship with someone who brings a lot of drama and angst to the table (seems to be a common NT need) so that's why I tend to be so picky. Even if I feel very strongly for a person, my feelings of limerance are no indication that a relationship is the right direction to take with them.

I guess "romance" is a remote need in my ideal dating world. A relationship with someone should consist of "real," tangible feelings: everyday feelings. Comfort, the feeling you get while bantering with someone, having a great conversation with someone, being on the same wavelength as someone. It's about the company and the helping each other, being there for one another. What I find with some people is how much they want LOVE and PASSION and a SOULMATE and, honestly, I find those words to be meaningless...I'd even go so far as to say a turn-off.

I guess I'm very down-to-earth in that respect.

 

[FunnyDigestion]

This is very interesting to me. I see romance as an important element (and certainly an enjoyable element), but I'm even more interested in things like loyalty, trust, and a feeling of "we're in this together". Being best friends, partners in crime. If I can, I want to enhance your life and make your life better and happier, support you in the things/endeavors that are important to you (whether it be hobbies, career-wise, or other) and hopefully I can get the same exact thing in return. I want us to be the ultimate support system for one another - to literally enhance each other's lives. But, also, I want us to be complete and happy as individual people.

That's a good thought-- the support-system element seems bound to be part of any good relationship, friendships, love affairs, parent-child interactions, etc. But if you ever find someone who somehow makes you better without you having to really change who you are, you've found someone you could share your life with. In effect you confirm your faith in that person, & grow along with them. Independently as an individual you have your beliefs, convictions, priorities, hobbies & skills & whatever else, but in terms of faith it's too uncertain until you find someone to entwine your world with.

Cool!
heh

 

[INTPness]

But if you ever find someone who somehow makes you better without you having to really change who you are, you've found someone you could share your life with.

Subtle changes, minor adjustments, and certain compromises will always have to made - that's just the nature of human relations, but the more you can *be you*, the happier you will be. If someone ever says, "You have to change A, B, and C before I'll spend my life with you" - run for the hills. Love is about letting the other person fly free and be who they are, it's not about caging the person like a pet alligator and telling them to obey your arbitrary rules (or else!). That's a recipe for pure disaster, cuz the alligator is going to want out of the cage - and badly! We gotta be who we are, be willing to compromise/accomodate those we love within reason, and from there, it either works or it doesn't. And that's what dating is for - to find out if it works or not. If it does, wonderful. If it doesn't, C'est la vie!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CGtf9QfITQw

 

[Coriolis]

This is very interesting to me. I see romance as an important element (and certainly an enjoyable element), but I'm even more interested in things like loyalty, trust, and a feeling of "we're in this together". Being best friends, partners in crime. If I can, I want to enhance your life and make your life better and happier, support you in the things/endeavors that are important to you (whether it be hobbies, career-wise, or other) and hopefully I can get the same exact thing in return. I want us to be the ultimate support system for one another - to literally enhance each other's lives. But, also, I want us to be complete and happy as individual people.

I agree. Many aspects of a relationship are more important to me than romance, and there are far more ways of showing love for a partner. Romance is more like the icing on the cake, the spices on the meat. To me, romance is the little, often symbolic things we do with/for our partner to mark off a space and time as special for ourselves alone, to focus on enjoying each other's presence and being.

 

[FunnyDigestion]

But think of how disgusting cake is without icing. You're basically left with a block of crumbly refined-carbohydrate bread.

 

[FunnyDigestion]

But then again, you WOULDN'T want to eat just a heaping plateful of icing.

Touche, cake inventors.

 

[A window to the soul]

I think I need to cultivate more Thinking-based relationships in my life. But the problem is that romance is very important to me. Truthfully, it's far more important than almost everything else. Intelligence & intuitive understanding & so on are nearly completely subsidiary to it, as far as I'm concerned, & I start feeling like I'm decaying or dwindling away inside if I go for a while without it.

For example, after my girlfriend & I broke up, even though I was heartbroken I was immediately going out & trying to find girls to have romantic times with. & you think I mean sex by that, since that's what it would seem to mean, but actually since I was grieving I didn't even care about sex, all I wanted was romance (whatever that might be....).

Your cauliflower is colorfully cultivated.

 

[FunnyDigestion]

Your cauliflower is colorfully cultivated.

That's the only way I'll eat it, know any good recipes?

 

[Coriolis]

But think of how disgusting cake is without icing. You're basically left with a block of crumbly refined-carbohydrate bread.

But then again, you WOULDN'T want to eat just a heaping plateful of icing.
Touche, cake inventors.

Maybe it's just me, but most of the cakes I make are not iced. If the cake can't stand on its own, it's not worth icing. Tasty (or pretty) icing cannot make up for poor cake, and a little goes a long way.

 

[INTPness]

Maybe it's just me, but most of the cakes I make are not iced. If the cake can't stand on its own, it's not worth icing. Tasty (or pretty) icing cannot make up for poor cake, and a little goes a long way.

Haha, this is all very true and a great analogy. Icing does taste good though, even by itself. Sometimes after the cake has been iced, I spend the next week or two eating the rest of the icing out of the container with a spoon. A spoonful a day may not keep the doctor away, but it keeps a smile on my face. Same can be said for the occasional indulgence in romance. Even so, you are right - a little bit goes a long way. If you ate the whole container, you may get sick.

 

[Totenkindly]

Wow Jen! Refer to the attached pictorial description of how an INTP/ENTJ relationship works.

I never thought of it like that before!

I personally hate being the receiver of romance, so I just usually smile and try to get it over with as soon as possible. Being the the giver of romance can be fun (it's like a puzzle or a game) but ultimately, I think romance should just exist in a relationship. Another way of saying this..romantic gestures with the intent of being perceived as romantic gestures seem to me to be less romantic than those gestures that were not meant to be necessarily romantic, but are anyway.

I consider romance to be organic in nature, not contrived [where contrived has no negative or positive value attached].

Realistically, I've been in LTRs long enough to know that some level of contrivance is necessary in a world where it's too easy to get absorbed elsewhere... but overall, I don't really enjoy relationships where the conscious commitment is all that is driving the relationship. I expect that being with someone I truly love will have SOME degree of positive vibe coming back, where I want to be and enjoy being with them, and when I'm not, I feel a desire to share with them the things I've experienced while apart.

Haha, this is all very true and a great analogy. Icing does taste good though, even by itself. Sometimes after the cake has been iced, I spend the next week or two eating the rest of the icing out of the container with a spoon. A spoonful a day may not keep the doctor away, but it keeps a smile on my face. Same can be said for the occasional indulgence in romance. Even so, you are right - a little bit goes a long way. If you ate the whole container, you may get sick.

I'm one of those bad girls that buys a can of icing for $1.29 at the supermarket, tosses it in the fridge, and dips into it with a spoon whenever I need a quick zing.

 

[FunnyDigestion]

uggh, "can of icing"... why is that phrase so disgusting?

 

[INTPness]

I'm one of those bad girls that buys a can of icing for $1.29 at the supermarket, tosses it in the fridge, and dips into it with a spoon whenever I need a quick zing.

So, you're a romantic at heart!

 

[INTPness]

uggh, "can of icing"... why is that phrase so disgusting?

Hey, you're the one that likes romance (icing) so much!!!

 

[Coriolis]

But the best icing is homemade (probably like the best romance . . . )

 

[rav3n]

I usually scrape icing off cake or any other baked good. Way too sweet, chock full of empty calories and ruins the cake, that is except for a thin layer of cream cheese icing on carrot cake.

 

[INTPness]

I usually scrape icing off cake or any other baked good. Way too sweet, chock full of empty calories and ruins the cake, that is except for a thin layer of cream cheese icing on carrot cake.

Haha. And there you have the NT take on romance.

 

[rav3n]

Haha. And there you have the NT take on romance.

Icing maybe pretty but adds no substance to the relationship!

 

[INTPness]

Icing maybe pretty but adds no substance to the relationship!

I disagree, but I thought your assessment was funny. I personally like a nice layer of icing on my cake. Romance is literally...icing on the cake. The cake is the foundation, the icing just makes it that much better and tastier. And without it, the cake is kind of "blah". Icing - nom nom nom.

 

[rav3n]

I disagree, but I thought your assessment was funny. I personally like a nice layer of icing on my cake. Romance is literally...icing on the cake. The cake is the foundation, the icing just makes it that much better and tastier. And without it, the cake is kind of "blah". Icing - nom nom nom.

A little icing is fine. A lot leads to tooth decay, then abscess, then root canal!