Ez78705 is right. I share your sentiments about smalltalk. I also feel stupid doing it, not so much because the things I am saying actually are stupid, but because I feel as if I am trying to be something I am not. If people think I am too serious and not enough fun, I do not need to spend time with them. My friends do not find this to be a problem. Saturned's assessment is also correct:
Originally Posted by Saturned
Most of my INTJ friends have the same problem that you have here. A couple will "indulge" in small talk for awhile... but it is always as a means to an end in achieving some mysterious goal/project they are working on. Ie, I need to get this person on board with what I want to accomplish... and if that means I have to sit for 5 minutes and talk about the weather then so be it... So long as the actual SRS BSNS project gets started promptly afterwards.
And for the record... most of "small talk" is kinda dumb. I can be pretty good at it since it's just a part of my job working with lots of women... but I am not particularly fond of it.
Reaching a desired goal is the usual motivation when I willingly engage in smalltalk. I still feel almost sleazy inside doing it, but all for a good cause. And yes, groups of women can be the worst for expecting smalltalk, though guys can have their moments as well, sometimes on different topics.
Hope is the denial of reality. It is the carrot dangled before the draft horse to keep him plodding along in a vain attempt to reach it. We should remove the carrot and walk forward with our eyes open. -- Raistlin Majere
My INTP hubby always trips over himself while talking small... for the same reason as the OP - thinking while talking. He gets so anxious that thoughts come flooding in and he's so focused on trying to say what he thinks people want to hear. Like it's some urgent matter of life and death, and he's failing.
The thing is, he just has had to learn to *listen* while the other person is talking instead of being so stunned that someone is engaging him. If he simply drops the hysterics and listens, then he can respond and speak about whatever is the topic. But if he's all wired from the mere fact that he's being forced to interact, then when there's a silence, he knows he's supposed to say something so he panics and blurts out the dumbest shit - because he's trying to think about what the other person wants to hear at the same time that he's talking instead of genuinely saying his thoughts on the subject. What can I tell this person to shut them up kind of thing. Instead of give and take, it's panic and reaction.
It's ok to pause. Listen, reflect (during a brief pause) and then respond accordingly. Not every interaction - big or small - is going to be meaningful or cure cancer. But small talk isn't always just about the weather.
I love small talk (banter). It's like being a butterfly at a buffet of flowers. Just a little bit of this, a little bit of that. My problem comes with "big talk". I make one little comment and my INTP corners me for a half hour, not noticing that I'm gnawing my own foot off just to get away.