[INTJ] Introverts: Sounding stupid during 'small talk'?

[ReflecTcelfeR]

I've started to say things without thinking just recently and I seem to enjoy it more. It takes the panic out of speaking to other people; most of what I say usually ends up being slightly sardonic in nature, but it's all in good fun!

 

[Octarine]

My problem comes with "big talk". I make one little comment and my INTP corners me for a half hour, not noticing that I'm gnawing my own foot off just to get away.

Have you ever tried just saying so?

 

[ReflecTcelfeR]

Also.

I think a big problem is trying to sound smart, or feeling like you are expected to sound smarter than others. It is their delusion not yours that you're crushing by simply saying what you are thinking. It is really up to them to accept it; you can't always be "on" even if you think you are and you will slip and if they can't respect that fact then... Well, I guess it's their loss, huh?

 

[Sizzling Berry]

Struggling with the same problem at the moment.

But I found that I enjoy people's reaction to me starting the conversation (no matter how i sound) - happiness and relief . Especially with freshly met people. It also greases the wheels for me sometimes and gets rid of the feeling of sitting in a box.

Saying all that, small talk can't replace the real connections for me. It can lead to it. But if there is no going deeper after a longer conversation or talking from time to time it's just going to stay there :-/.

On the other hand there are certain environments where you can't go beyond the small talk - other topics may be dangerous.

 

[jenocyde]

Have you ever tried just saying so?

Of course!
But when people live together you can't expect them to be constantly aware 24 hrs a day, and I certainly don't want to nag. Sometimes you just have to grin and bear it, and take one for the team. He certainly puts up with all of *my* bullshit.

I'm not so patient with other people though.

 

[Octarine]

If it comes across as nagging then you're doing it wrong.

 

[jenocyde]

If it comes across as nagging then you're doing it wrong.

If it comes across as unsolicited and useless advice, you're doing it wrong.

 

[Lightyear]

I hate small talk, it makes me want to stab myself with a fork. Especially the kind of small talk that never seems to go anywhere, 6 months later you still don't know anything about the other person apart from that they spent their weekend at their in-laws. What's the long-term point of that kind of interaction?

Also especially in England it's the polite thing to do to small-talk, you can sense that the other person doesn't care what you have to say but is just asking you a question to be polite. I find that in a group with a lot of small-talk I feel alone even if I am surrounded by people, I understand that you have to start a conversation somewhere but it never seems to build up to a proper connection where you feel like you are genuinely communicating with another human being.

So I can't give any advice on how to small-talk, just that I try to stay far away from it.

 

[NegativeZero]

I was just thinking about making a thread about this not too long ago. The problem is that while you may be very intelligent, you are not likely to be talking about any of the subjects you're knowledgeable about in everyday conversation. This applies to a lot of INxx types, I imagine.

 

[CrystalViolet]

^Yes, that's a huge problem of mine. Not that I'm very intelligent. People just aren't interested in the same things as I am. I find it hard to even find a point of common interest at the moment.

 

[wolfy]

Also consider the possibility that you don't sound stupid while attempting small talk, you just feel stupid. If you pay attention, it's amazing how much inane banter is vocalized everyday and noone bats an eyelid. Once you realize the point: not exchanging information, but making connections.. then maybe you'll feel more comfortable with the process.

This is good advice. You can pretty much say whatever the hell you feel like most of the time. Just as long as you aren't rubbing people the wrong way.

 

[Eruca]

Must you engage in small talk? If there are regular times small talk is pushed upon you such as work or school then there is a bare minimum you have to engage in it. Perhaps you could just meet that minimum by treating it as a responsibility, effecting it as an important social function.

If it is that you are expected to talk small talk with friends or in other areas of your life that are more voluntary, then that is a different situation. It could be that those you talk to in such situations are not right for you if they make you talk the small talk too much. Interesting people like to talk of interesting things, likely.

 

[Giggly]

Strange weather today, isn't it?

 

[Ginkgo]

Well, if you cut off your tongue and roll around in a wheelchair, you'll have an excuse! Have you tried that yet?

 

[ReflecTcelfeR]

I actually find sport in shutting down small talk. Someone will say something like Giggly just did about the weather and just reply coldly "No." and move on. Only to my friends though, it'd be rude to anyone else, right?

 

[wildcat]

I actually find sport in shutting down small talk. Someone will say something like Giggly just did about the weather and just reply coldly "No." and move on. Only to my friends though, it'd be rude to anyone else, right?

You do not move on.
Only the weather moves on.
If you move on with the weather you do not move.
The weather moves you.

 

[ReflecTcelfeR]

In truth, I hope someday this makes sense. It seems valuable. I'll think on it. Thank you.

 

[wildcat]

In truth, I hope someday this makes sense. It seems valuable. I'll think on it. Thank you.

It is all right.

Dying is an occupation of the living.

 

[Coriolis]

I was just thinking about making a thread about this not too long ago. The problem is that while you may be very intelligent, you are not likely to be talking about any of the subjects you're knowledgeable about in everyday conversation. This applies to a lot of INxx types, I imagine.

To me, it matters less what someone is discussing than how they are discussing it. Are they stuck in the superficialities, or willing to dig deeper? If someone speaks about something I know little about, I try to use the opportunity to learn about it, or at least to kick around ideas I had never before considered. I usually do this by asking questions, but people expecting a top-level discussion aren't prepared for this.

I actually find sport in shutting down small talk. Someone will say something like Giggly just did about the weather and just reply coldly "No." and move on. Only to my friends though, it'd be rude to anyone else, right?

Really? I am usually willing to shut down smalltalk, not for sport, but just to spare myself the experience. I find it rude, or at least pointless, to speak when I have nothing to say, or to shower someone with words having no real content, just for the sake of it.

 

[ReflecTcelfeR]

I am usually just joking. I mention that after my first reaction. It's actually a pretty good ice breaker really. I usually feel the same way. Talking for the sake of talking feels stupid.