I'm interpreting my friend's behavior as disrespectful to me, and feel taken advantage of. From an INTP perspective, am I simply overreacting? The friend who I'm having the issue with appears to think so. In the interest of being fair-minded, I would like a bit of reality testing before I decide whether my emotions are warranted or not and conclude what boundaries to draw with this person.
So, I'm female, and my INTP friend is male. We both have a pretty open-minded approach to sexual relationships. I tend to be pretty typically NF in that I give people the benefit of the doubt, am a good listener, can see the best in most people, and enjoy having emotionally close relationships. I recently got out of a long-term relationship in which my partner took advantage of these qualities in me, and I am still on the defensive about this, so it's hard for me to tell whether I'm actually being mistreated or simply triggered.
I have attempted to cultivate a calm and rational approach to life, and am much less of a hothead than most of the other NFs I know. I very much enjoy and appreciate the NT thought process and creativity.
My INTP and I met a few months ago when we both moved to the same city not knowing anyone there. We bonded intellectually and began spending lots of time together. He claims to not need attachment, yet he contacts me frequently. He also initiated a physical relationship, all the while insisting I was not his "type." It was with a mutual understanding that it was just casual sex and I was fine with that.
He's moody, and a couple weeks ago was depressed and wanted me to spend the night with him on a work night. I did so quite happily, and when he asked me to tell me what I liked about him, I obliged (not for the first time). I got a couple hours of sleep, but I didn't feel it was that much of a sacrifice. He thanked me profusely for being there for him and for the intimacy and I felt pretty good about it.
At his initiation, we spent nearly every night that week together. He texted me just to say I was awesome, told me I was the best sexual partner he'd had in the past six months, and introduced me to some close friends of his who were visiting. He mentioned that he was bored by women who were just hot and preferred our connection. He also repeatedly texted me on nights that I think he knew I was on a date. Having been a bit of a player when we met, he suddenly stopped mentioning other women and seemed to lose interest in dating them. I began to suspect he was growing attached to me and I started to reciprocate to some degree.
Last night I asked him to go to a nightclub with me, and at the club he reverted to his old behavior with me, like I was his sister, talking about other women that were more his "type" physically than me, and ogling them. I felt disrespected. My value system is that if I'm out somewhere with a guy friend, whether or not we're sleeping together, I'm going to have some class and sensitivity and not do something that might hurt their ego, like point to some hunk on the dance floor and tell my more average-looking friend that the guy is hot. To me, that's just plain rude. It's even more uncalled for when you've just spent the last, oh, I don't know, nine or so nights having hot sex with the person. I don't care how casually I'm involved with them or how many other people I'm sleeping with, I just don't do that.
This incident pretty much killed my desire to have sex with him, but not my general feelings of friendship, but I was particularly put out because I had bolstered him when he was down and given him ego boosts. I decided to use calm, assertive communication with him and tell him, and we talked about it rationally after we left the club.
He said I wasn't being logical and that he wasn't willing to stop ogling, flirting with, or even going home with other women if I was there because we weren't in a relationship. I said that was just not how I roll, and that I had been there for him recently, and that I would appreciate reciprocation in terms of him telling me what he likes about me as I had done for him, and that this was what I needed after my shitty relationship.
He kept trying to change the subject, tell me I had "issues," and say that it was hypocritical of me to ask such a thing of him since I'm dating someone else. He also said he didn't care if I went home with someone else if we were hanging out together. I wouldn't do that to any friend; again, I simply think it's rude unless we're going out with the intent to get laid.
The main reason I was FWB with him was because I was starting to get too attached to the other guy, and he suggested we hook up casually to mitigate that. That was working pretty well for a while. However, the fact that he makes me feel like chopped liver is negating the benefits.
He does not think my feelings about this are valid. I asked him how he would feel if I pointed out some guy I thought was hotter than him and he said he would not mind and doesn't take it personally.
It's murky to me because my last relationship was so traumatizing. My ex undermined me in every possible way. I even have flashbacks to some of the stuff he said.
Also, my INTP certainly has his hot buttons, as I have mine, and I would refrain from pushing them out of consideration. I'd simply appreciate the same from him. I am very sensitive about whether or not I'm still hot after a relationship in which I was rejected for the last two years of it. I'm not willing to bolster him if he's not willing to bolster me. I especially don't need to be undermined again.
Is this really so unreasonable of me? It's not like I asked him for exclusivity or even to formally date.