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  1. #11
    XES 5231311252's Avatar
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    I think you're overreacting and I don't think his actions are disrespectful in the least bit. Me thinks you wanted to have your cake and eat it too, but you've since discovered your cake has a tarty cream filling. You said you're just FWB and not only that, you're in a relationship with someone else (does your main dish know about the extra helpings you've been having on the side?) So he acknowledges the beauty around him, I do it too and I don't care who I'm with. Their insecurities are their insecurities and that's not my problem; perhaps that's how he feels as well?
    “'Fuck', I think. What a beautiful word. If I could say only one thing for the rest of my life, that would be it.”

  2. #12
    & Badger, Ratty and Toad Mole's Avatar
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    Love on the Cheap

    'Friend with benefits' is such an ugly phrase, because it describes an ugly relationship.

    For when we are in love we merge not only our bodies but our psyches as well.

    Cheap Jacks want to merge the body without merging the psyche.

    Cheap Jacks want to make love without being in love.

    Cheap Jacks want love on the cheap.

  3. #13
    Anew Leaf
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    Ok so I am deleting my prior response because I just skimmed the OP and missed the giant "I am dating someone else" part.

    My new thought is: grow up.

  4. #14
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    Thanks to all for the responses. I've decided to end the benefits with him, and at this point the friendship has been weakened; I'm just not feeling as positive about him as before. However, I will probably get over that fairly quickly because as 523131252 says, his point of view is legitimate for him, and it is true that I'm dating someone. Once my emotions subside I'll probably be able to put him back in the bro zone, and next time he suggests we hook up tell him that doesn't work well for us.

    By the way, things are going very well with the other guy I'm seeing. He hasn't done anything to make me insecure, it is all leftover crap from my last relationship. It's probably time to shut down other involvements anyway so I can get to know him better, even though we haven't had the exclusivity talk. He's a really decent fellow and would never treat me the way my ex-FWB did.

  5. #15
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    Default This thread is a behavioural oxymoron.

    I decided to leave this response until the OP was content.

    Here we had the usual case of the unfair ethics of an xNFP who is seeing multiple people but decided it was a problem that their friends with benefits didn't consider them exclusive when they did not consider themselves exclusive themselves. You reap what you sow and if they were committed to actually understanding interactions with others and appreciating others values as well as understanding your own values and been true in action to what your values are then you would never have sown such nonsense it in the first place.

    Alas reading the OP title I could think of only one thing.

    Quote Originally Posted by The OP
    Please help this xNFP sort out reactions
    Not even I can bend the laws of physics. No-one can stop an xNFP from attempting to both have their cake and to eat it.

  6. #16
    Per Ardua Metamorphosis's Avatar
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    Yeah, I clearly didn't read this closely enough the first time. The guy was probably a dick for pointing out hotter women, but if you're dating someone else and started sleeping with this other guy so you wouldn't get too attached (Wtf?) then don't expect him to meet your emotional needs. It sounds more like you just wanted more from him than he wanted from you.
    "You will always be fond of me. I represent to you all the sins you never had the courage to commit."

    Reason is, and ought only to be the slave of the passions, and can never pretend to any other office
    than to serve and obey them. - David Hume

  7. #17
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Metamorphosis View Post
    Yeah, I clearly didn't read this closely enough the first time.
    What can you say. Love me or hate me I'm an honest and shockingly accurate public service provider.

  8. #18
    Anew Leaf
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    Did I miss something in my INFP welcome package? Because I can barely deal with one person at a time, much less multiple people.

    And quite honestly, I don't think the guy is being a dick to point out other hot women. I see it as more of Ti pointing out how ridiculous the situation is. Which borders on the ludicrous. (Man, I really need to start reading posts fully... But long walls of text bore me if they aren't interesting.)

  9. #19
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    I never wanted exclusivity from my FWB. We had a difference of opinion in what constituted proper etiquette in open relationships.

    Regardless of who I might be with the following night, the person I am with AT THE TIME gets all my attention and is not the recipient of negative comparisons with others. Nor would a platonic friend be.

    My FWB felt differently. He is entitled to his opinion and I am entitled to mine.

    As far as meeting emotional needs, my FWB wanted me to meet his and refused to meet mine in return. That was more of a problem than the fact he looked at other women.

    I wouldn't have been offended at all if he had said something like, "that girl is hot...in a different way from you, but just as hot."

  10. #20
    reborn PeaceBaby's Avatar
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    The way I see this is that you felt, by his behaviour, that he was starting to develop some deeper feelings for you. And I think you liked that - liked the attention and new sense of being closer to him. Upon going out though and realizing his feelings for you were unchanged, with him as interested in checking out other women as ever, you felt hurt and somewhat rejected, because a part of you enjoyed that sense of intimacy you thought you were sharing.

    That's the crux. Your feelings were hurt.

    So, now you know he's not as interested in you as you thought. And, you know by extension, he's perhaps not a good match for you. So, what now? I would do what you said you are doing, cut out the "benefits" part (although I personally would not engage in that kind of arrangement.) And perhaps an examination of FWB is appropriate too ..... how detached can you really be when someone focusses intensely on you for a short time then appears to move on? Is it truly something you are comfortable with?
    "Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one."
    Eleanor Roosevelt


    "When people see some things as beautiful,
    other things become ugly.
    When people see some things as good,
    other things become bad."
    Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

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