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  1. #1
    Junior Member SweetieDee's Avatar
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    Default The dynamics of wooing/dating/romancing an INTJ

    Hello everyone!

    I just made my first post in the NF forum, so this is technically my second post, albeit a "copy & paste" from the original.

    I would really appreciate an INTJ's opinion!

    I am an INFP who has been talking to and, well, kissing, an INTJ for almost two months. He is unbelievably intelligent, and above all else, I adore his intelligence. The fact that he is incredibly attractive doesn't hurt. We have the most amazing conversations, and I get the feeling that he is highly amused by me. He considers me intelligent as well, and I know that he appreciates that quality in me.

    He initiated the first conversation, approaching me as soon as I walked into the bar, and asking me if I wanted to throw a chair across the room. His oddness initially intrigued me and somewhat made me retreat into myself a bit until I talked to him more throughout the night and realized he just had an offbeat sense of humor, which I thoroughly enjoy as I'm a bit eccentric as well. Then I warmed up to him, and all kinds of magic happened. We talked all that night and he wouldn't leave my side.

    He began texting me on a daily basis, initiating most of the conversations with a "Good morning beautiful!" He took me out for drinks a week later, and came over to my house and hung out one night. I've been to his house a few times in between, and everytime it is with his initiative. On the weekends though, when I've asked him if he wanted to do something and hang out, he would have a reason not to, which would hurt my feelings because I of course was getting attached and wanted to spend time with him. Something in me was telling me I was being kept at arm's length, and I don't know him well enough to know what the reasons could be for that.

    I did notice though, on the two occasions that we did hang out on the weekend where it was my idea, I didn't come right out and ask him to be with me. I said, "So and so band is going to be at so and so bar. Hope to see you there!" His response would be, "I'm thinking of making an appearance." And he would.

    He seems very aloof at times though, and the texting can go in stages of a daily basis, constantly through the day...or a random text after a few days, asking me how I am.

    For some reason, I get the feeling that he is the one who is supposed to initiate things...and conversation/hanging out needs to be his idea. I also get the feeling that he really likes me, finds me attractive, enjoys my company, etc. But at the same time, he seems distant and like he is analyzing everything to make sure it's a good fit.

    That's where we are right now. He actually is an Engineer, and left for Mexico this Monday to be to be gone for three weeks for a job assignment there. On Sunday, he wanted me to come over and hang out. He also gave me his plant to take care of while he is gone. I know I'm going to miss him, and I'd like to think that he is going to miss me.

    To wrap it up, I just want to ask these three questions:

    1. If you are an INTJ, have you ever been in a relationship with an INFP?
    2. What does it take to woo an INTJ?
    3. Does it take awhile for an INTJ to warm up to the idea of a relationship, or does an INTJ think about it for so long that it ends up in limbo?

    I feel like there is enormous potential here, and I am being very patient with the process, because I like perfection and want to make sure it's a good fit as well. But his process is definitely more distant than my instinctual process is.

    Enlighten me!

  2. #2
    Senior Member ceecee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SweetieDee View Post



    He seems very aloof at times though, and the texting can go in stages of a daily basis, constantly through the day...or a random text after a few days, asking me how I am.
    Yes. This sounds about right.

    For some reason, I get the feeling that he is the one who is supposed to initiate things...and conversation/hanging out needs to be his idea. I also get the feeling that he really likes me, finds me attractive, enjoys my company, etc. But at the same time, he seems distant and like he is analyzing everything to make sure it's a good fit.
    Hmmm....I would try to initiate things too. Anyone would get tired of doing it 100% of the time. He's analyzing, of course. That's what we do. Step back and assess a situation. I can't imagine he's doing much differently than I would. And I'm sure he is thinking....I don't want to fuck this up.

    1. If you are an INTJ, have you ever been in a relationship with an INFP?
    No I don't think so.

    2. What does it take to woo an INTJ?
    Be straightforward. No games. Put effort into the relationship because we are. Understand that we don't always verbalize how we feel as well as others and we need to process at times. We hear just fine. We don't always have a reply at that moment.

    3. Does it take awhile for an INTJ to warm up to the idea of a relationship, or does an INTJ think about it for so long that it ends up in limbo?
    Yes but this guy doesn't seem like he is keeping it in limbo.

    I feel like there is enormous potential here, and I am being very patient with the process, because I like perfection and want to make sure it's a good fit as well. But his process is definitely more distant than my instinctual process is.
    Make sure you tell him that but I agree that being patient. We aren't easy but once we trust you and open up to you, you'll have more than you can imagine. We are very dedicated. I think you are doing the right things with this. My ENFJ had to learn, I had to learn about him. Regardless of type, every relationship has this curve.
    I like to rock n' roll all night and *part* of every day. I usually have errands... I can only rock from like 1-3.

  3. #3
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    These questions are very generic.

    Some things you should know.

    INTJs like to maintain their emotional independence because they feel vulnerable otherwise.
    INTJs like to take their time in relationships and need to have a true reason for undertaking an adventure.
    INTJs get lost in their projects and can be very on/off when dealing with people, we don't understand that this has effects on others.
    Be honest and upfront about what you most want or don't want and be consistent; INTJs have difficulties dealing with many instructions and wavering instructions, but respond well to clear concise and consistent displays of emotion.

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by InvisibleJim View Post
    These questions are very generic.

    Some things you should know.

    INTJs like to maintain their emotional independence because they feel vulnerable otherwise.
    INTJs like to take their time in relationships and need to have a true reason for undertaking an adventure.
    INTJs get lost in their projects and can be very on/off when dealing with people, we don't understand that this has effects on others.
    Be honest and upfront about what you most want or don't want and be consistent; INTJs have difficulties dealing with many instructions and wavering instructions, but respond well to clear concise and consistent displays of emotion.
    That cat is so distracting.


    If you want to know more from your INTJ, then ask him questions and talk to him.

  5. #5
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    I think you've got pretty good answers for your questions here and in the NF forum already. I just want to add that although you might feel that you're being kept at arm's length, I think he's pretty serious about you. Keep in mind that INTJs need a lot of space and certain level of independence. He's probably analyzing you and the future outcome of the potential relationship as much as you do about him but his decision will likely be more utility-based. Let him know what you think about him but don't rush him. If he cares about you and he knows what he has to do to not hurt you, he will make a lot of effort for that. Sometimes you have to let him know because INTJs can be clueless about this kind of stuff.

  6. #6
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    As an INTJ female also dating an INTJ male, I feel I can be of some assistance.

    First of all, it seems that INTJ males are open to dating other personality types, so it's possible that in the beginning you caught his eye because you charmed him in some way. INTJ's are difficult to get close to if they feel others don't have anything to offer them (for example, if you cant offer good conversation or don't have much depth, INTJ's quickly lose interest).

    One thing about INTJ males is they love for the lady to make the first move, but if they feel you cant keep up with them then you will fall by the wayside. Be witty, smart, have a sense of humor and be very open and blunt about your interest in him. Don't hide the way you are feeling about him, because chances are he will assume you aren't that interested. For INTJ males, you really have to spell it our for them (when it comes to matters like emotions, relationships and love, yes they are that oblivious).

    As I initially specified, INTJ's are quite hard to get close to in the beginning, but once you get close to them and are a good fit for each other, INTJ's can be quite loving, even romantic if they get involved with the right person. My boyfriend is an INTJ, and he seems to appear quite cold, aloof and eccentric to most people, but once I got close to him I found that he not only was a genius, but also had the capacity to be very loving and loyal. What INTJ's love is to have a partner who they can constantly share and exchange ideas and knowledge with, we INTJ's thrive on learning new things, and are looking for partners who like to keep up in that pursuit.

    The most important thing for you to remember is that INTJ males aren't very good with emotions and are very oblivious when it comes to matters involving them, so if you like him, make the first move! Show him how you feel! Keep up with him! Chances are you will intrigue him and he we will soon feel the same way about you, too.

    All the best of luck to you, girl!

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