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  1. #1
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    Default INTP men and love

    I have a suspicion my INTP male friend (with "benefits") is growing attached to me, but he doesn't realize what he's feeling because it's an outgrowth of friendship and he has only ever felt "in love" twice. Both times were clearly infatuation and chemistry, but they were not healthy relationships.

    If this is so, what would the signs be? I'm sure that if I tried to talk to him about it at this point, he'd deny it vehemently and say that I was just a close, important friend to him...but that doesn't explain why he wanted to sleep with me EVERY NIGHT this past week. He also wants to communicate with me every day, and often remarks on how well I understand him and what a cool person I am. He is otherwise quite down on humanity.

    My intuition is on high alert here, but with Fi and Ne constantly competing in me, it's hard to tell sometimes, so I thought I'd ask other INTPs for some help in understanding their brother.

    I care a lot for him. I'm not sure what I feel or want otherwise, though. The last thing I want is for either of us to hurt each other.

  2. #2
    Senior Member esidebill's Avatar
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    Hmm. When I was "in love", I'd constantly be messaging my partner in an almost blanketing way. Usually this seen as an abnormal thing by most, but for me it felt quite OK being so "clingy" when I was in love. This was mostly because I had this ambition of making sure the person liked me.
    "Others should not judge what you truly are, instead you should find yourself. You may find yourself in a bowl of cereal or dreaming of the unknown, but make sure it is you who finds you." - Myself


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    Intuitive (N) 64.29% Sensing (S) 35.71%
    Thinking (T) 62.5% Feeling (F) 37.5%
    Perceiving (P) 75% Judging (J) 25%

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  3. #3
    Senior Member Shimmy's Avatar
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    Here are some of my scattered thoughts on the subject:

    - If he is really in love with you feelings will get hurt eventually. But that's just a part of life so don't worry too much about it.

    - On the other hand, your story is full of assumptions. You assume he's in love with you and you assume you won't be able to talk to him about it.

    - If you really don't want to get in the feelings part of it, just tell him straight forward you don't want him to communicate with you all the time, and that you don't want to sleep with him every night.. No emotions, just plain hard demands.
    (removed)

  4. #4
    The Eighth Colour Octarine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by I Never Find Peace View Post
    I'm sure that if I tried to talk to him about it at this point, he'd deny it vehemently and say that I was just a close, important friend to him...
    What he will say is irrelevant, you still need to tell him how you feel before things get out of hand.

  5. #5

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    Do you love him back?, clearly you must have some sorts of feelings for him, if it's a friends with benefits thing, might as well just make it into a relationship. I say tell him how you feel on this, without assumptions and see what he says, even if he does deny it, he might not deny it and profess his love for you, who knows. But I think the whole friends with benefits thing never really works out, one party always develops feelings for the other, it always turns out that way.

  6. #6
    Senior Member INTP's Avatar
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    start talking to him how nice it is to be JUST friends with benefits, how well it works(and say things like how you dont want a relationship, but this way you get to have sex and you get to do it with a friend etc). but dont do it in any obvious way, just start talking about casually it after having sex, because INTPs(or at least me) are good at sensing that there might be a reason why someone says something like this. reasons to talk about this after sex, is that it seems less obvious that way and you can catch him on happy mood. the reason why this happy mood is important with this is because if he has fallen for you, you can see his mood going down like titanic. get an eye contact to him just before ending saying these things and you can see it from his eyes or you can see him starting to avoid eye contact, so that you cant see it from his eyes. even if you couldnt detect it at that moment, you will definitely notice it from his later behavior, as he will start to protect himself from you. or then he might ask you if you are sure that you wouldnt want anything more. i can guarantee that it will work. and as an INFP, you might think that this is cruel or something, but from an INTP point of view its the best way to do it.
    "Where wisdom reigns, there is no conflict between thinking and feeling."
    — C.G. Jung

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  7. #7
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    I saw him again last night and I've been thinking about this all day. Dammit, I do love him. But am I projecting my Fi onto him, and my Idealist wishful thinking, or is my Ne telling me I am loved, and I'm responding by loving back? Or both?

    I'll welcome more of your insights and I'm also heading over to the Idyllic for an NF perspective.

  8. #8
    Senior Member King sns's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by INTP View Post
    start talking to him how nice it is to be JUST friends with benefits, how well it works(and say things like how you dont want a relationship, but this way you get to have sex and you get to do it with a friend etc). but dont do it in any obvious way, just start talking about casually it after having sex, because INTPs(or at least me) are good at sensing that there might be a reason why someone says something like this. reasons to talk about this after sex, is that it seems less obvious that way and you can catch him on happy mood. the reason why this happy mood is important with this is because if he has fallen for you, you can see his mood going down like titanic. get an eye contact to him just before ending saying these things and you can see it from his eyes or you can see him starting to avoid eye contact, so that you cant see it from his eyes. even if you couldnt detect it at that moment, you will definitely notice it from his later behavior, as he will start to protect himself from you. or then he might ask you if you are sure that you wouldnt want anything more. i can guarantee that it will work. and as an INFP, you might think that this is cruel or something, but from an INTP point of view its the best way to do it.
    No wonder I'm an INTP magnet!
    06/13 10:51:03 five sounds: you!!!
    06/13 10:51:08 shortnsweet: no you!!
    06/13 10:51:12 shortnsweet: go do your things and my things too!
    06/13 10:51:23 five sounds: oh hell naw
    06/13 10:51:55 shortnsweet: !!!!
    06/13 10:51:57 shortnsweet: (cries)
    06/13 10:52:19 RiftsWRX: You two are like furbies stuck in a shoe box

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    My Johari
    by sns.

  9. #9
    Senior Member Mal12345's Avatar
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    It's just male menopause.
    "Everyone has a plan till they get punched in the mouth." Mike Tyson
    “Culture?” says Paul McCartney. “This isn't culture. It's just a good laugh.”

  10. #10
    Senior Member Mal12345's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by shortnsweet View Post
    No wonder I'm an INTP magnet!
    I fell hard for an ESFP a few years ago. It didn't work out and a couple years later her best friend told me she's been using meth again. I didn't know she ever used it. Thankfully it didn't work out. But still...
    "Everyone has a plan till they get punched in the mouth." Mike Tyson
    “Culture?” says Paul McCartney. “This isn't culture. It's just a good laugh.”

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