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  1. #1
    Junior Member DocRox27's Avatar
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    Default ESFP and INTJ... Just not compatible?

    It seems to me that attraction between these two types could very well be destructive, yet the polar functions make attraction something difficult to avoid.

    Maybe I'm crazy.
    Here's and example of a potential conflict between the two:

    ESFP desires physical (not necessarily sexual) affection, and a lack there of leads to spontaneous overwhelming anxiety in the blink of an eye. INTJ has trouble relating to such an intense emotion. In response, INTJ runs to hide... he is safer in his own world. This leads to even less physical contact, leading to more anxiety for the ESFP, scaring the INTJ away even more.

    Each type tries to understand why the other is acting the way they do, but they just can't relate.

    I would like to hear what people think about the compatibility of INTJ's and ESFP's.
    Pro's and Con's.

  2. #2
    Senior Member King sns's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DocRox27 View Post
    It seems to me that attraction between these two types could very well be destructive, yet the polar functions make attraction something difficult to avoid.

    Maybe I'm crazy.
    Here's and example of a potential conflict between the two:

    ESFP desires physical (not necessarily sexual) affection, and a lack there of leads to spontaneous overwhelming anxiety in the blink of an eye. INTJ has trouble relating to such an intense emotion. In response, INTJ runs to hide... he is safer in his own world. This leads to even less physical contact, leading to more anxiety for the ESFP, scaring the INTJ away even more.

    Each type tries to understand why the other is acting the way they do, but they just can't relate.

    I would like to hear what people think about the compatibility of INTJ's and ESFP's.
    Pro's and Con's.
    Are you trying to date us?
    In my experience, relations between INTJ's have been interesting.
    I dated one, but he was unhealthy, and had a whole slew of issues. In the same breath, we got along well on a day to day basis. (There were just larger issues always brewing that had little to do with our personality types.) He was narcissistic, overly guarded, self centered, and low intelligence. Seems like his main goal in life was ego related self preservation. I didn't like that. I'm also fairly guarded and untrusting as well, which makes for a somewhat shallow relationship. (It's strange that one of the things that pushed us apart was the quality that we shared the most.)

    I like that INTJ's always seem to either challenge my own POV, or can put it in a new light. I am likely to find a healthy INTJ funny and witty as they always come up with something different than I could have thought of. As an ESFP, humor is a must. I can relate to them on some levels, too. I am a fairly balanced ESFP. I understand men, I understand typology, I understand need for space.(Well, relatively well, anyways. ) If I could find an equally balanced, intelligent, and reasonable INTJ, I would imagine that life could become very interesting and that things could work. I don't necessarily see strong stereotypical underdeveloped INTJ's and ESFP's getting along, though.

    As you said, the ESFP would need too much attention and the INTJ would need too much space.
    06/13 10:51:03 five sounds: you!!!
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    06/13 10:51:23 five sounds: oh hell naw
    06/13 10:51:55 shortnsweet: !!!!
    06/13 10:51:57 shortnsweet: (cries)
    06/13 10:52:19 RiftsWRX: You two are like furbies stuck in a shoe box

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  3. #3
    Junior Member DocRox27's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by shortnsweet View Post
    Are you trying to date us?
    Actually, I am dating on of you guys.

    Quote Originally Posted by shortnsweet View Post
    He was narcissistic, overly guarded, self centered, and low intelligence.
    Yeah, I have a pretty hard shell, and she doesn't like it one bit. I don't want my problems to become hers, so I don't talk much about them. Then it ends up becoming her problem because she's frustrated that I won't open up to her (which I have been doing more of lately.)

  4. #4
    Senior Member King sns's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DocRox27 View Post
    Actually, I am dating on of you guys.



    Yeah, I have a pretty hard shell, and she doesn't like it one bit. I don't want my problems to become hers, so I don't talk much about them. Then it ends up becoming her problem because she's frustrated that I won't open up to her (which I have been doing more of lately.)
    Well, in my case, the problem with guarded people is that I don't try to get them to open up about their problems at all. (Maybe in friendships, not at all in relationships.) I assume they have it all under control. I don't like people pestering me about my problems either. In a way, it makes for a relationship of two individuals who hang out together a lot, rather than a feeling of oneness and vulnerability. Maybe it's a good balance to have someone who wants to learn more and become more involved?
    06/13 10:51:03 five sounds: you!!!
    06/13 10:51:08 shortnsweet: no you!!
    06/13 10:51:12 shortnsweet: go do your things and my things too!
    06/13 10:51:23 five sounds: oh hell naw
    06/13 10:51:55 shortnsweet: !!!!
    06/13 10:51:57 shortnsweet: (cries)
    06/13 10:52:19 RiftsWRX: You two are like furbies stuck in a shoe box

    My Nohari
    My Johari
    by sns.

  5. #5
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    What you just described in the OP can happen with ENFPs and INTJs, too.

    :/

  6. #6
    Striving for balance Little Linguist's Avatar
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    If I could just jump right in here...perhaps the problem lays more in a lack of understanding or respect than more of a lack of compatibility. If each one knew where the other were coming from, each person could break the cycle. They could 'take turns' looking out for each other's needs. I know that sounds really lame, but what I mean is: if the INTJ knows that the ESFP isn't doing it to be an insecure dumb ass, but has certain reasons, maybe he/she could respect it more. Then it wouldn't be seen as encroaching on personal space and trying to be dominant or overwhelming or whatever. And the ESFP could see that actually it's not that the INTJ doesn't feel or care, but they just don't express it the same way....That way, both know it's not them or some weird voo-doo thing, but there's some reason for it, and they can respond/act accordingly?

  7. #7
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    This is not so much a pros-cons list as an observation of Ni-doms & Se-doms. I've known some Ni-doms who surround themselves with SPs. It almost seems like there's some weird compensation thing going on. Then there are Ni-doms who are immediately distrustful of Se-doms & rather indifferent towards ISPs. They attribute bad motive & suspect all kinds of unfounded things concerning the Se-doms. They avoid interacting with them as much as possible. I wonder what the difference is...different emotional motivations (enneagram), maybe?
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

  8. #8
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    Yeah, that makes sense. If you can teach someone "that's just the way that INTJs are" instead of them taking it personally, they might be less inclined to exhibit anxious or clingy behavior, which just pushes INTJ away MOAR, lather, rinse, repeat, nightmares.

    I think it's interesting that EFPs are often hypothetically paired with ITJs exactly because of this dynamic (the EFP being more "emotional" or wanting more attention, initiating too much for the ITJs liking, the ITJ pulling away in a manner that makes the EFP feel rejected...)

  9. #9
    Striving for balance Little Linguist's Avatar
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    You know what I hate? People distrusting me when I'm the most honest, loyal person in the whole joint. HOW is that??? I wonder if it comes from that. And then at the end of the day, they find out I'm the only half-human out there. And they're shocked. DOH!

    Sorry, still getting used to the new layout. That was supposed to be a response to Orange.

  10. #10
    Senior Member King sns's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by OrangeAppled View Post
    This is not so much a pros-cons list as an observation of Ni-doms & Se-doms. I've known some Ni-doms who surround themselves with SPs. It almost seems like there's some weird compensation thing going on. Then there are Ni-doms who are immediately distrustful of Se-doms & rather indifferent towards ISPs. They attribute bad motive & suspect all kinds of unfounded things concerning the Se-doms. They avoid interacting with them as much as possible. I wonder what the difference is...different emotional motivations (enneagram), maybe?

    This is very accurate to my own experience with Ni doms. Sometimes they are very distrustful to start but warm up over time, though.
    06/13 10:51:03 five sounds: you!!!
    06/13 10:51:08 shortnsweet: no you!!
    06/13 10:51:12 shortnsweet: go do your things and my things too!
    06/13 10:51:23 five sounds: oh hell naw
    06/13 10:51:55 shortnsweet: !!!!
    06/13 10:51:57 shortnsweet: (cries)
    06/13 10:52:19 RiftsWRX: You two are like furbies stuck in a shoe box

    My Nohari
    My Johari
    by sns.

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