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[INTP] INTP Women and Being Romantic

Hera

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Dec 27, 2010
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I thankfully don't have this problem anymore, but I used to have a really big problem in the past because people would look down on me for not being "soft" and "mushy" about love. Friends and family alike would comment on how dry I was, and how "irrationally" I approached love because I considered some traditional values of romanticism irritating and unnecessary. I'm not sure what your definition of romantic is but to me being romantic means being cheesy, and being cheesy means buying teddy bears and candies and flowers for people with a Hallmark card attached with a long heart-felt poem not just once in a while, but WEEKLY or MONTHLY. I never could buy into that.

A long time ago (I was about 15), a guy was interested in me and he actually stopped liking me because I wasn't swept off my feet by his romantic gestures. He even said, "girls like you are the reason nice guys finish last!" blah blah nonsense. I love nice guys, I just don't like the stupid romantic gestures people associate to being nice. You can be nice to me and not buy me a candy-gram. I don't know how to react to it nor do I want to know.

As I said this is no longer an issue for me because I am dating a wonderful ENTP man who somewhat feels the same way I do about it. I like that we can connect mentally, emotionally, and physically without overdosing on the emotions or gestures.

Am I the only one who's a stick in the mud?
 

funkadelik

good hair
Joined
Jan 10, 2011
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1,614
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lmao
I've always disliked romantic things. All that cheesy bullshit. I had a boyfriend once who would buy me flowers and cards all the time, paid for everything, always wanted to hold hands or have his arm around my waist. Wouldn't want to say goodbye to me without saying "I love you." Our first kiss was in a park under a sunset. He was so fucking sentimental. :laugh:

Drove me crazy. I guess what got me was how contrived and planned everything seemed. Like if he stopped doing all these things we'd cease to have a relationship. It all seemed kind of ridiculous to me. But anyway...
 

Hera

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I know!

My ex told me he loved me after two weeks of knowing me. We were just friends and he already dropped the L bomb. I felt incredibly uncomfortable, especially because I had no feelings for him at that time and it was just out of nowhere. During the relationship he'd buy me little gifts every once in a while and I never felt right about it. I kept thinking to himself, does he know we'd still be a couple if he stopped? After a while, he'd tell me he loved me just out of habit or to stop me from getting mad (never worked). I don't know, it's all just a bunch of overused conventions that don't add to my relationships.

Though I will say this, I'm a big softie for my boyfriend now, it actually surprises me. It scares me too because I don't know why I'm like this over him. Well, I know why. :blush:
 

Such Irony

Honor Thy Inferior
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I agree with the OP. I can be romantic but not really in the traditional sense. I don't buy into all the stuff that's supposedly romantic like teddy bears and candy and Hallmark Cards. I'd rather buy and receive something that's genuinely useful and something I truly want. Same with dating. The setting doesn't have to be a candlelit dinner or a walk on the beach to be romantic. Romance can take place anywhere. For me its just knowing that I'm doing something to bring out the intimacy between us.
 

Kasper

Diabolical
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May 30, 2008
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One of the reasons INTP-ENTP relationships can be exceptionally tasty!

I enjoy romance but in teeny doses, too much of it stifles me.
 

thisGuy

New member
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Mar 14, 2009
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1,187
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entp
Yeah its pretty uncomfortable but I got used to it after dating this one enfj for a while.

She made me
 

NotOfTwo

small potatoes
Joined
Jan 30, 2010
Messages
509
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INTP
The traditional signs of romance make me uncomfortable because they seem so trite. I never like being put under obligation by premature gifts.

On the other hand, I dated someone who was a fantastic gift giver, just stellar.
He got me a knife sharpener, then a knife, a robot toothbrush holder, a foam roller for stretching, jams and other condiments, a really nice pen, cheese, hiking boots, an oversized cashmere sweater for lounging in, perfume I actually liked, melatonin for my sleep issues, pastries, music cds, he really thought about each thing based on his observations of what I needed. And when he gave them to me it was always in a matter of fact way that didn't make me feel like there were strings attached.
Sorry that was probably not of interest to you. It's late and I feel rambley. So anyway, he made me appreciate that level of thoughtfulness, I guess is the bottom line. Yes, I still have issues with contrived romance. I just want hugging and interesting adventures.
 

Totenkindly

@.~*virinaĉo*~.@
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I thankfully don't have this problem anymore, but I used to have a really big problem in the past because people would look down on me for not being "soft" and "mushy" about love. Friends and family alike would comment on how dry I was, and how "irrationally" I approached love because I considered some traditional values of romanticism irritating and unnecessary. I'm not sure what your definition of romantic is but to me being romantic means being cheesy, and being cheesy means buying teddy bears and candies and flowers for people with a Hallmark card attached with a long heart-felt poem not just once in a while, but WEEKLY or MONTHLY. I never could buy into that.

A long time ago (I was about 15), a guy was interested in me and he actually stopped liking me because I wasn't swept off my feet by his romantic gestures. He even said, "girls like you are the reason nice guys finish last!" blah blah nonsense. I love nice guys, I just don't like the stupid romantic gestures people associate to being nice. You can be nice to me and not buy me a candy-gram. I don't know how to react to it nor do I want to know.

As I said this is no longer an issue for me because I am dating a wonderful ENTP man who somewhat feels the same way I do about it. I like that we can connect mentally, emotionally, and physically without overdosing on the emotions or gestures.

Am I the only one who's a stick in the mud?

I have trouble articulating where I'm at.

I'm looking for deep connection with someone, usually on an intuitive level... so all those trappings that get associated with romance for me do nothing on their own. I can't say a good card or a romantic movie or a stereotypically romantic night out is something I wouldn't appreciate, but it's not the symbol itself that attracts me, it's the context and what lies beneath the symbol.

So yeah, if some guy were doing all the "right things" but we didn't have a connection, I'd feel nothing except disinterest and maybe even discomfort.

I can even be gushy/emotional in the right context, so I can't say I don't emote -- I do at times -- but it's in a particular context, and typically not the context that the women I grew up around would gush in. I think sometimes that fact takes me off the scope for dating, because I don't conform to that expectation.
 

lunalum

Super Senior Member
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Dec 20, 2008
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I thankfully don't have this problem anymore, but I used to have a really big problem in the past because people would look down on me for not being "soft" and "mushy" about love. Friends and family alike would comment on how dry I was, and how "irrationally" I approached love because I considered some traditional values of romanticism irritating and unnecessary. I'm not sure what your definition of romantic is but to me being romantic means being cheesy, and being cheesy means buying teddy bears and candies and flowers for people with a Hallmark card attached with a long heart-felt poem not just once in a while, but WEEKLY or MONTHLY. I never could buy into that.

:yes: I can be seen as a very unromantic girl because of this kind of stuff and more. My view on these relationships is very unidealized (in the traditional sense at least), and gifts are cool and all but I don't seem them as necessary.

Am I the only one who's a stick in the mud?

Stick in the mud? What about leaf in the wind?

As I said this is no longer an issue for me because I am dating a wonderful ENTP man who somewhat feels the same way I do about it. I like that we can connect mentally, emotionally, and physically without overdosing on the emotions or gestures.

This is so awesome that you've been able to find this.

So there is hope for me yet to find someone capable of connection but without the overdependent mushiness.....

One of the reasons INTP-ENTP relationships can be exceptionally tasty!

Indeedy, it seems that they are very similar on this kind of stuff. And I'd like to change the term "relationship" to "epic duo" :D
 

Red Herring

Superwoman
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I consider myself very romantic, but teddies, hearts or valentines cards would send me running away screaming. It all depends on your definition.

1ro·man·tic
adj \rō-ˈman-tik, rə-\
Definition of ROMANTIC
1: consisting of or resembling a romance
2: having no basis in fact : imaginary
3: impractical in conception or plan : visionary
4 a : marked by the imaginative or emotional appeal of what is heroic, adventurous, remote, mysterious, or idealized
b often capitalized : of, relating to, or having the characteristics of romanticism
(etc.)

I know that #2 refers to the the use in "he has romantic notions of life in the wilderness", but the connotation of "no basis in fact" might still be part of the problem. It is too easy to use pre facbricated gestures available at Walmart that are supposed to express very personal and individual feelings. Something just doesn't fit. It is too easy to be dishonest that way (probably without even knowing it, you just buy into a language that way).
The socially established standard gestures feel impersonal and fake exactly because they are socially established rather than personal references. And the earlier on in the relationship they are used, the more ill placed they appear. I could tell you some hair raising stories!

What makes me swoon is a guy who has my back. And I don't mean somebody who fights my battles; I mean somebody who, when he sees that I am having a hard day, makes me sit down on the sofa and lets in some hot water into the bath tub while he makes me some hot cocoa. I find caring (almost motherly) gestures very romantic and endearing. Another thing that works very well are little gifts that show how well he knows me and my taste. Even having my favorite cookies in stock when I come over can be a big thing for me. :wubbie:
 

Redbone

Orisha
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I have a hard time with this, too. I especially get irritated when someone gives me a gift or makes a gesture thinking I will like it simply because I am a woman.

Though I will say this, I'm a big softie for my boyfriend now, it actually surprises me. It scares me too because I don't know why I'm like this over him. Well, I know why.

:yes:


Awesome.
 

Tallulah

Emerging
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I think those "girl gifts" send a signal that the guy doesn't know you, and he thinks "girls like this," and that makes us profoundly uncomfortable, because we don't generally identify with "stuff girls like."

I know personally, I can't be with anyone who I feel isn't with me because he likes ME specifically. If I feel like he likes me because I'm cute, but he could just as happy spending time with the sorority girl down the street or the Suzy Homemaker type, I can't relax. Probably self-preservation, because INTP women aren't typically "feminine," and he has to not just tolerate our quirks, but actively like them, or we'll both end up miserable or hurt.
 

Totenkindly

@.~*virinaĉo*~.@
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I think those "girl gifts" send a signal that the guy doesn't know you, and he thinks "girls like this," and that makes us profoundly uncomfortable, because we don't generally identify with "stuff girls like."

Yeah, that.

And I also feel like, if a guy is approaching me that way consistently, then he really doesn't know me well enough to realize who I am... so why am I going out with him / in a relationship with him again? Neither of us are going to be happy. I can't play the sort of girlfriend/wife he apparently expects; and I need someone who is tapped into me, not in the social stereotype of a woman.
 

rav3n

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Off topic injection from another NT woman. If you have a really good shredder, stuffed animals won't jam it.

*hates knick-knacky gifts*
 

Totenkindly

@.~*virinaĉo*~.@
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Off topic injection from another NT woman. If you have a really good shredder, stuffed animals won't jam it.
*hates knick-knacky gifts*

A la "Black Swan," I prefer the incinerator myself.

(Or various actual experiments in physics, chemistry, and/or pyrotechnics.)
 

rav3n

.
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A la "Black Swan," I prefer the incinerator myself.

(Or various actual experiments in physics, chemistry, and/or pyrotechnics.)
Haven't seen black swan but if there's a stuffed animal shredding scene, I MUST go see it!

Ever detached then reattached in unusual places?
 

Totenkindly

@.~*virinaĉo*~.@
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Haven't seen black swan but if there's a stuffed animal shredding scene, I MUST go see it!

Ever detached then reattached in unusual places?

After stepping back from this conversation momentarily, it's no wonder that guys can't freakin' figure out what we want in a relationship.

"She cut off the head of the teddy bear I gave her and sewed it back on its butt! She has disfigured stuffed animals all over her room! I dunno, doc -- do you think I should keep dating her, or should I just move to Tasmania, to be safe??"
 

Redbone

Orisha
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"She cut off the head of the teddy bear I gave her and sewed it back on its butt! She has disfigured stuffed animals all over her room! I dunno, doc -- do you think I should keep dating her, or should I just move to Tasmania, to be safe??"

*Doc closes chart notes*

"I suggest you get your ass to steppin' now. Good day to you."
 
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