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  1. #1
    Senior Member Hera's Avatar
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    Default INTP Women and Being Romantic

    I thankfully don't have this problem anymore, but I used to have a really big problem in the past because people would look down on me for not being "soft" and "mushy" about love. Friends and family alike would comment on how dry I was, and how "irrationally" I approached love because I considered some traditional values of romanticism irritating and unnecessary. I'm not sure what your definition of romantic is but to me being romantic means being cheesy, and being cheesy means buying teddy bears and candies and flowers for people with a Hallmark card attached with a long heart-felt poem not just once in a while, but WEEKLY or MONTHLY. I never could buy into that.

    A long time ago (I was about 15), a guy was interested in me and he actually stopped liking me because I wasn't swept off my feet by his romantic gestures. He even said, "girls like you are the reason nice guys finish last!" blah blah nonsense. I love nice guys, I just don't like the stupid romantic gestures people associate to being nice. You can be nice to me and not buy me a candy-gram. I don't know how to react to it nor do I want to know.

    As I said this is no longer an issue for me because I am dating a wonderful ENTP man who somewhat feels the same way I do about it. I like that we can connect mentally, emotionally, and physically without overdosing on the emotions or gestures.

    Am I the only one who's a stick in the mud?

  2. #2

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    I've always disliked romantic things. All that cheesy bullshit. I had a boyfriend once who would buy me flowers and cards all the time, paid for everything, always wanted to hold hands or have his arm around my waist. Wouldn't want to say goodbye to me without saying "I love you." Our first kiss was in a park under a sunset. He was so fucking sentimental.

    Drove me crazy. I guess what got me was how contrived and planned everything seemed. Like if he stopped doing all these things we'd cease to have a relationship. It all seemed kind of ridiculous to me. But anyway...

  3. #3
    Senior Member Hera's Avatar
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    I know!

    My ex told me he loved me after two weeks of knowing me. We were just friends and he already dropped the L bomb. I felt incredibly uncomfortable, especially because I had no feelings for him at that time and it was just out of nowhere. During the relationship he'd buy me little gifts every once in a while and I never felt right about it. I kept thinking to himself, does he know we'd still be a couple if he stopped? After a while, he'd tell me he loved me just out of habit or to stop me from getting mad (never worked). I don't know, it's all just a bunch of overused conventions that don't add to my relationships.

    Though I will say this, I'm a big softie for my boyfriend now, it actually surprises me. It scares me too because I don't know why I'm like this over him. Well, I know why.

  4. #4
    Honor Thy Inferior Such Irony's Avatar
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    I agree with the OP. I can be romantic but not really in the traditional sense. I don't buy into all the stuff that's supposedly romantic like teddy bears and candy and Hallmark Cards. I'd rather buy and receive something that's genuinely useful and something I truly want. Same with dating. The setting doesn't have to be a candlelit dinner or a walk on the beach to be romantic. Romance can take place anywhere. For me its just knowing that I'm doing something to bring out the intimacy between us.
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  5. #5
    Diabolical Kasper's Avatar
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    One of the reasons INTP-ENTP relationships can be exceptionally tasty!

    I enjoy romance but in teeny doses, too much of it stifles me.

  6. #6
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    Yeah its pretty uncomfortable but I got used to it after dating this one enfj for a while.

    She made me

  7. #7
    small potatoes NotOfTwo's Avatar
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    The traditional signs of romance make me uncomfortable because they seem so trite. I never like being put under obligation by premature gifts.

    On the other hand, I dated someone who was a fantastic gift giver, just stellar.
    He got me a knife sharpener, then a knife, a robot toothbrush holder, a foam roller for stretching, jams and other condiments, a really nice pen, cheese, hiking boots, an oversized cashmere sweater for lounging in, perfume I actually liked, melatonin for my sleep issues, pastries, music cds, he really thought about each thing based on his observations of what I needed. And when he gave them to me it was always in a matter of fact way that didn't make me feel like there were strings attached.
    Sorry that was probably not of interest to you. It's late and I feel rambley. So anyway, he made me appreciate that level of thoughtfulness, I guess is the bottom line. Yes, I still have issues with contrived romance. I just want hugging and interesting adventures.
    "It's never enough." The Cure

  8. #8
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hera View Post
    I thankfully don't have this problem anymore, but I used to have a really big problem in the past because people would look down on me for not being "soft" and "mushy" about love. Friends and family alike would comment on how dry I was, and how "irrationally" I approached love because I considered some traditional values of romanticism irritating and unnecessary. I'm not sure what your definition of romantic is but to me being romantic means being cheesy, and being cheesy means buying teddy bears and candies and flowers for people with a Hallmark card attached with a long heart-felt poem not just once in a while, but WEEKLY or MONTHLY. I never could buy into that.

    A long time ago (I was about 15), a guy was interested in me and he actually stopped liking me because I wasn't swept off my feet by his romantic gestures. He even said, "girls like you are the reason nice guys finish last!" blah blah nonsense. I love nice guys, I just don't like the stupid romantic gestures people associate to being nice. You can be nice to me and not buy me a candy-gram. I don't know how to react to it nor do I want to know.

    As I said this is no longer an issue for me because I am dating a wonderful ENTP man who somewhat feels the same way I do about it. I like that we can connect mentally, emotionally, and physically without overdosing on the emotions or gestures.

    Am I the only one who's a stick in the mud?
    I have trouble articulating where I'm at.

    I'm looking for deep connection with someone, usually on an intuitive level... so all those trappings that get associated with romance for me do nothing on their own. I can't say a good card or a romantic movie or a stereotypically romantic night out is something I wouldn't appreciate, but it's not the symbol itself that attracts me, it's the context and what lies beneath the symbol.

    So yeah, if some guy were doing all the "right things" but we didn't have a connection, I'd feel nothing except disinterest and maybe even discomfort.

    I can even be gushy/emotional in the right context, so I can't say I don't emote -- I do at times -- but it's in a particular context, and typically not the context that the women I grew up around would gush in. I think sometimes that fact takes me off the scope for dating, because I don't conform to that expectation.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  9. #9
    Tier 1 Member LunaLuminosity's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hera View Post
    I thankfully don't have this problem anymore, but I used to have a really big problem in the past because people would look down on me for not being "soft" and "mushy" about love. Friends and family alike would comment on how dry I was, and how "irrationally" I approached love because I considered some traditional values of romanticism irritating and unnecessary. I'm not sure what your definition of romantic is but to me being romantic means being cheesy, and being cheesy means buying teddy bears and candies and flowers for people with a Hallmark card attached with a long heart-felt poem not just once in a while, but WEEKLY or MONTHLY. I never could buy into that.
    I can be seen as a very unromantic girl because of this kind of stuff and more. My view on these relationships is very unidealized (in the traditional sense at least), and gifts are cool and all but I don't seem them as necessary.

    Quote Originally Posted by Hera View Post
    Am I the only one who's a stick in the mud?
    Stick in the mud? What about leaf in the wind?

    Quote Originally Posted by Hera View Post
    As I said this is no longer an issue for me because I am dating a wonderful ENTP man who somewhat feels the same way I do about it. I like that we can connect mentally, emotionally, and physically without overdosing on the emotions or gestures.
    This is so awesome that you've been able to find this.

    So there is hope for me yet to find someone capable of connection but without the overdependent mushiness.....

    Quote Originally Posted by Kasper View Post
    One of the reasons INTP-ENTP relationships can be exceptionally tasty!
    Indeedy, it seems that they are very similar on this kind of stuff. And I'd like to change the term "relationship" to "epic duo"
    Tune into Ventrilo weeknights between 6pm and 1am PST for continuation of universe dominating shenanigans and occassional type-related propaganda.........

  10. #10
    Senior Member guesswho's Avatar
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    Being romantic can mean a lot of things...

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