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  1. #1
    violaine
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    Default INTJ Men. Does Kindness Win You Over?

    Just exploring one of my half-assed theories. I've noticed that the INTJ men I've known have a strong, positive response to people who are genuinely kind to them or others. Particularly if it's a strong, nurturing sort of kindness. I had this realization one night after an interaction with an INTJ I was dating. (He jokingly asked me to do something ridiculously nice for him, expecting that I would understand he was joking but I didn't and started to fulfill said request. He stopped me with surprise and I got the most affectionate hug from him. And after that, we seemed to descend to a new level of closeness.) Before this incident, he had always said that he liked that I was kind, though it worried him sometimes in case I got taken advantage of. (I always assured him that the way I acted was a deliberate choice and reminded him that there are consequences for all behavior.)

    So, INTJ men, are you particularly affected or impressed by genuine kindness? Is kindness something you value and if so, do you actively look for this quality in a partner? Also, if so, are you conversely turned off by people who are cruel?

  2. #2
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    I do enjoy when someone goes out of their way to be kind to me, or help me out, and often feel inclined to help them out somehow.
    If it's someone I'm interested in, this is definitely a strong sign of affection to me. Definitely a d'awww moment. But if it's just kindness in general, not so much a winning quality as it is an appreciated feature. If someone is just generally nice to everyone or anyone, I'd admire that, but it wouldn't really "win me over".

    I don't necessarily seek it out in partners, but it usually ends up being present. Cruel people... hmm, depends on the definition of cruel.
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  3. #3
    Cheeseburgers freeeekyyy's Avatar
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    Kindness is the absolute most desirable character trait in a mate for me.
    You lose.

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    Quote Originally Posted by violaine View Post
    So, INTJ men, are you particularly affected or impressed by genuine kindness? Is kindness something you value and if so, do you actively look for this quality in a partner? Also, if so, are you conversely turned off by people who are cruel?
    Yes

  5. #5
    Cheeseburgers freeeekyyy's Avatar
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    I definitely don't care for cruelty. I think cruelty though, and kindness to a degree, are free for individual interpretation. I think anybody can be cruel, and obviously NFs aren't immune to that, but of all those I've known (mostly NFPs, I've not known many NFJs) they didn't have cruel "personalities." Things which I would consider cruel, which some of the NFs I've known have been guilty of, are mainly things like trying to "spare" another's feelings. It is much more kind, and respectful, to tell a person exactly what you think of them, or an action they've taken, etc, than it is to try and sugarcoat it or make it out to be a "minor flaw," or not a big deal or anything of the sort. If I know the full truth, I can adjust my behavior, attitudes, or beliefs accordingly. If the truth is hidden from me, you deny me that privilege. I think it's a common NF viewpoint to view "bluntness" as a bad thing. I don't think it is. Aggression is bad. Being a jerk is bad. Being upfront, clear and honest is not bad at all. In my last relationship (the only one that really counted) I remember screwing up pretty bad one time. I don't even remember what it was about, but I felt really bad and apologized to her. Her response was to minimize my wrongdoing and pretend it wasn't a big deal to her when I knew it was. To truly forgive somebody requires first acknowledging the wrongdoing, not sweeping it under the rug. It was tough for me to even hold it against her, because I knew that it was just her way of showing that a mistake wasn't going to make her think less of me, but the way to do that is to forgive, not to ignore. It is cruel to withold the opportunity for self improvement. That's a much more common form of "cruelty" in NFs than the jerky, asinine behavior you might see in other types. When an NF is cruel, they are trying to be nice, kind or any number of other things. But it doesn't always work out that way. As an NT, I appreciate the opportunity to improve myself; don't take it away from me.
    You lose.

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  6. #6
    No Cigar Litvyak's Avatar
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    No.

    Cookies do work sometimes though.

  7. #7
    violaine
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    EDIT: Opening this thread up to INTP men as well. Thank you for the responses so far, will be back later today to respond!

  8. #8
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    yes kindness is a positive trait in all humans. Even though some have a skewed perspective of what kindness means. I do enjoy a balance though, when kindness becomes selfaffacing I will resent you for not showing me your true self. Confidence and kindness in one and the same person, is highly valued as friends and partners. But Im an INTP, so......

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    If I find someone who I find to be generally kind then I feel it is justified for me to grow close to them and to support them in a comfortable way which does not require me to ask for much in return. It is much easier to accept trusting someone who is capable of a showing a depth of kindness than someone who does not show this.

  10. #10
    Senior Member INTPness's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by InvisibleJim View Post
    If I find someone who I find to be generally kind then I feel it is justified for me to grow close to them and to support them in a comfortable way which does not require me to ask for much in return...
    a.k.a., "Hey baby, wanna be my sugar cube?"
    NTJ's are the only types that have ever made me feel emo.
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