Decided to post this in the NT section as I typically find the INFJs in this position to be as confused and helpless as I feel here :p
So. After reading the latest of many ENTP INFJ threads last night, I decided that I should make one entailing my circumstance as an INFJ (guy), with an ENTP (gal), which is driving me crazy from trying to understand it.
I came across this persons myspace page back in 2007 or 2008 ish, and could tell from what was splayed throughout their page that this person was incredible to me. We started talking over AIM and then onto the phone where we had this conversation that was very.. sensational.
Intellectual sex, really. It left me with a hunger for that person that has never gone away. She stimulates me in a way that nobody ever has; and that is saying a lot for me; somebody insatiable and highly experienced in intellectual and emotional intimacy.
This person was, however, always really distant with me outside of those moments of connection. Consistently not responding to me, or not following through on committments to call me etc.
Nevertheless, I had an excuse to travel to an event (hi-fi audio convention) an hour away from her, and made plans with her to visit and stay with her for about a week. She did, at the time, have a boyfriend, but had seemed very confident and comfortable with my staying there while in town so that we could meet and spend some time. So, with her confirmation, I booked the flight and waited for the time to come.
In the last few days before traveling to meet this person, they told me that I couldn't stay with them anymore; that they were extremely busy with their schoolwork and simply didn't have the time for me now. This fucked me over as I had nowhere to stay until my return flight. We did, however, meet up for a day and spent it walking around the city doing our intellectual thing. She shared things about her current relationship and where she was in life and how things felt. I sponged it all up with eyes that I am sure were themselves smiling at her.
Alas the time came for her to take her train home (we spent the day at a midway point between her school and her home) where we hugged and parted ways. She gave me her train ticket stub, which I still have.
I was extremely torn-up by this point. The only reasons I refrained from kissing her that day was that I didn't want to send her life into chaos, nor to thrust myself into a position of potentially having to compete with another guy, but one who actually lived near her, even went to school with her. Nevertheless, I was internally lamenting the possibility of having missed an incredible chance that she may have been giving me by meeting me; it was shakespearian in scope, but genuinely felt. After wandering around the train station, internalized, with my suitcase lazily following me, I called another friend I knew in the area from the internet and got to meet her and stay at her place for the night; the next train home wouldn't arrive until the next day.
On the way home my shakespearian lamentations returned to me as I sat alone and vulnerable in the last car of the train. Daylight leaving, I stared out of the back window and watched that person, that experience, that opportunity as it drifted further and further away.
After being back home and settled, things were back to usual rather than being in any way furthered. And, shortly, we would get into some kind of impasse where I was too perturbed by her distance (which to me felt inhumane and nonsensical with what I knew of the situation) and she actually blocked me on AIM and ceased contact with me. I left her an e-mail where I tried to be understanding and to leave things on a note that I knew she was out there, somewhere, being herself, radiant as that was, and that I would never stop appreciating her.
Then we didn't talk for a few years. I thought of her less and less as time passed, but still I would, here, and there.
But it was to my great surprise that I be approached by them over facebook out of the blue only some months prior to this story telling of today. She had to put in work to track me down, too; delving years back into her inbox to find a link to my name from the messages we had exchanged. She wanted to know if I would be okay with talking to her. She wanted to say that she was sorry for being a coward with me before. That she was afraid to let herself connect with me the way she wanted to, that it would have overtaken her life and interfered w/ith some very serious goals she was working on with school and her future. That a lot has changed about her.
Since then, I've been watching her like a hawk. During our gap, I had a lot go on in my lovelife, including a fiance that left me, and I am in a pretty wary place when it comes to investing myself in another. I don't trust her as far as I can throw her. But, she has opened up to me more than ever, certainly. She has let me in on how crummy she has been feeling lately (she is doing better now) and her self-doubts, as well as things such as that she can be "manipulative", and that she has a boyfriend she is using to deflect her huge pool of emotions that she feels for another man that she is madly in love with, but who is a rock that won't really receive her.
It has also been her idea, to come visit me. And she has booked the flight. And she is supposed to be here in a few weeks. And I have nothing even close to a certainty as to how I fit into either my history with her, nor the present with her. Particularly given her romantic situation. I mean she told me that she wants to have this guys babies, and not in any way as a joke. I don't even trust that she'll actually end up taking her flight and showing up here. But I know that a lot of me wants to be negative and doubtful to protect itself from being able to invest in the possibilities.
This week alone, she has, of her own volition, said that she'll call me, on three seperate instances. She did not follow through on any of them. She said her phone was "incapacitated" on one of the occasions and apologized then, but not a peep for the others.
Because I've been reading so much on ENTPs and the ENTP INFJ dynamics, I've been able to apply a lot more patience here rather than being mister all-or-nothing with this kind of behavior, which is how I have acted in the past with her. I'll feel a lot more comfortable exploring the situation when she gets here and is infront of me, where I can watch her eyes and maybe bring up some things where she isn't likely to escape them.
Additionally, she has told me that she has realized recently that she can really be a coward, and it was in this breath that she told me about the current love obsession of hers, and in the same breath still that she suggested (and did) booking a flight to see me. She has said that there are parts about me she'd like to rub off on herself (which she noted as sounding dirty, lol). She has also told me that I make her feel like shit. And I have never really understood how that is; I think it is to do with my expectations of not being blown-off constantly and being upset by it.
We even had a split off moment where she thought she had to go back to college for another class and so she wouldn't be able to visit me; she was mad and left and was offering her flight to others. I was done with the unreliability and told her goodbye. Surprisingly, she asked me to stay and to please accept her.
I know she has an issue with the idea of a distanced relationship; and I would want nothing more than to bridge that gap, eliminating the circumstance. But it makes it harder for her to allow herself to invest in the idea of me. Where as I don't even begin to feel that limitation, at least, not as an impairment to my pursuit. This issue also inhibits her ability to think that I know who she actually is to any extent large enough that I should feel about her the way that I do, thus invalidating my attraction to her altogether. At times. But I think this is her hiding, and I think that she may have caught onto this by now.
I really want to see her insides so that I know what is going on here, and how to handle it. So I'm keeping quiet and trying to be understanding of some of our differences in personality, while the day draws nearer that I may get to the bottom of things. It has always been established, understood and felt that we have a romantic interest in each other. That we both have a very very serious interest in connecting extremely with another person, and that we both, on record, have expressed that we think we can do that with each other. I can't forget the spark that was there in our eye contact, in our diarrhetically passionate intellectual exchanges with body language and words.
Does this not sound confusing for me? Thanks for actually trucking through this mammoth of an odd story; and doubly so if you have any thoughts or help about what's going on, or what to do. I care very much for the possibilities of even a friendship, let alone more, with this person, and I really want to play my cards right. I'm willing to be aggressive, or passive; whatever I need to be, without crossing my lines of being true to myself.
A friend of mine thinks that I am am a "meal" for this person and she thinks it with quite a lot of conviction that I really have to heed. They think that I should refrain from complimenting them the way I naturally would, as they already think themselves to be awesome. And that I should put up some kind of fight and create a rockier interaction rather than the smooth one they would be expecting to get out of me. As intelligible as the case was made, it feels like game-playing to me, and if that's not cool with me. But I can't help noticing that the one person she does seem to be gaga for so far in life, is a rock that rejects her.
Even within being an INFJ, I am really good about knowing people and what's going on in this kind of relationship; but I feel in the dark here and it's a very uncomfortable place to be :p