Hello, I found this thread because I'm looking to understand my INTP-Partner (I'm an INFJ). He's 27, I'm 31 and we've been together 4 years after building a good friendship, and have had an amazing connection on physical, emotional and intellectual levels. We both say, even know, that we have never felt this strongly about anyone else before. Like all relationships do, we've had our share of obstacles but we've always been able to work through them - or so I felt.
He's been in therapy for the last months because of his depression and has identified some problems he has which show themselves in our relationship, like a tendency to be passive and let the other one "take the reins" but then be upset about lack of self-determination and difficulty being upfront if he has the feeling the other person might not take it well. I've been as supportive as I can and have urged him that of course I want him to be authentic to himself and that I in no way want to override him or his wishes (I'm not a dominating person) also because he can then get resentful towards me. I've asked him to let me know how exactly I could help but there's not much I can do. I can't constantly be double-questioning every interaction we have, we both acknowledge that these are very much his issues and thus, the ball in mainly in his court.
Last week, he told me that he wasn't sure about his feelings for me and that he'd often acted like everything was ok in our relationship when he felt it wasn't. This came very much out of the blue for me, not only am I completely devastated but I also feel tricked because I feel that we were doing so well. Apparently he hasn't been working on the aforementioned issues and they grew more overwhelming, to the point that they overshadowed a lot of the positive things in our relationship. From my perspective, it seems like they're blocking his love for me, and because our connection was so strong I have trouble believing that his feelings are just gone, and it's very inviting for me to believe that, were he to make progress on these problems, they wouldn't be standing between us and he'd feel close to me again. He says he definitely hopes that his feelings for me would return but he doesn't know how to make that happen. Obviously this is very painful for me, especially because to me it's self-evident that if something is important to you, you try to make it work, and he doesn't seem to have tried. He was very upset and emotional, saying he has no idea how this could have happened, and that he would have tried sooner if he knew it would've come to this.
We've spent a lot of hours since then talking and crying and trying to hash it out, in which I asked him to be upfront and explicit and he maintains that he is. He says he can't be in a relationship where he's not sure about his feelings and has said he feels like he has two options, either a break or a break-up, but that he's afraid he would regret it because he feels that we might still make it. There is definitely still a lot of affection and intimacy there, which gives me the impression that not all is lost. He admits that he has not seriously considered how a break-up would affect him and impact his life, and it was incredibly painful for both of us when we discussed how it might be. He says he doesn't know what to do, and I imagine he feels like none of the options look easy or more attractive than the other, stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I'm still under shock, the idea I had about our relationship can't be dismantled after a few days. The idea of not being with him is so horrible it's repellant, I'm numb and can't wrap my head around it. Rationally though, I know he is putting me through a shitty situation, that he was being cowardly by only telling me once he felt it was too late, and that I'm suffering a lot because of his failures to get himself into order. I have to ask myself if this is a relationship I want to be in - and the answer has always been yes because I was convinced it was worth the effort. I know I can't be committed for both of us but I love him so much I can't leave as long as there is still a chance we might make it. I know I can't force his love and perhaps I'm seeing this all wrong, but as an INFJ, I'm used to building on my intuition.
Both of us are confused and hurting and don't know what to do or to think. Any perspective would be appreciated.